The reason for my depression

The reason for my depression. I’ve been married most of my adult life. I’ve never cheated or had an affair. A few months back a lady that was temping at the company I work for started giving me lots of attention. During this time my marriage was more like having a roommate than being married. For whatever reason my wife and I drifted apart and neither of us was putting in the effort to work on our relationship.
So this lady is giving me attention and making me feel good about myself. It starts out as a friendship but quickly develops into more. She was very aggressive in what she wanted which was a sexual relationship. I had it within my power to push her away and not give in to the temptation, but I did not. She was 23 years younger than me and my ego led me down the path of starting an affair. As we got more involved I started developing feelings for her and she claimed to be also. I became totally consumed with what I was doing to the point it became obvious to my wife that something about me had changed. Long story short she found out. I ended up moving out and planning a new life that I was not sure of the outcome.
Things seemed great for a bit in my new relationship. I started noticing this lady started seeming to pull back a little while at the same time proclaiming her love for me. Then out of the blue she ghosts me, no replies to text phone call nothing at all. I realized what was happening that she was ending it and for whatever reason chose not to communicate this to me I sent her a final message telling her I realize it’s over between us that I wish she would have been adult enough to tell me that I would have respected her decision and I left it at that.
Out of the blue my wife messages me telling me that she is still in love with me and is willing to forgive me for the affair and willing to wait however long it takes for me to come to my senses. I did not think at this point she could still be in love with me or that I had any feelings for her anymore. She wanted me to come by the house one evening and talk about it so I did. We ended up agreeing that we wanted our marriage to make it and would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. She tells me she had come to the realization that where we both were at in our marriage either one of us could have fallen into an affair if the right person came along. It was this realization that made it so that she could forgive what I had done.
We are working on it and things are going well. This other person has made no attempt to contact me nor do I expect it. My wife may have forgiven me but I have not been able to. I have been bombarded with guilt and remorse for what I put her, my step children and my biological children through. I’ve found myself in a deep depression almost as soon as I moved back home. Some days aren’t as bad as others but I get no relief from it. Part of me believes I should suffer for what I’ve done, that I don’t deserve a second chance, or to be forgiven for my actions. It’s been three weeks and my depression has increased. I have talked extensively with my wife about it. She has been very understanding and I realize how fortunate I am to have her by my side through it all. So my depression is of my own making and I hope over time it will get better but for now I’m using this forum to reach out because I feel totally lost.

So I know what it's like to have that new exciting relationship go awry. What I will tell is, it will turn out to be good it did, trust me. It will take to put it all good again but you will. You've already jumped the first hurdle by admitting you still want your wife, and in the end that a good thing. Some women want things, but once they get them they don't want them anymore, and guys too. Just hang in there, you'll get over the hurt, and you'll understand what makes a marriage better. Go out on dates, act more like you guys were when dating. Shoot, go parking with your wife sometime might be fun. It appears you need some spice, and your wife appears towant/need it too, so spice it up. Good luck, hugs to you and your wife.

Your wife is one lucky woman that you came back. You have the power to work on this marriage and make it truly successful.

I wasn’t so “lucky” (or so I thought at the time). My ex husband left me for his mistress. That’s a grief I’ve slowly learned to come to come to terms with over the years.

I don't have much to offer here in the way of advice, but I do know that many have gone through what you have and still have great marriages. It is something you guys will grow from and hopefully have a stronger marriage because of it. You guys have a chance to work on your communication and talk about what caused affection to dwindle and then to address that. Perhaps individual therapy is an option for you? And/ Or couple therapy? When peace has been restored your family will appreciate the effort you have put into things. Also, wounds heal over time.. infidelity and separation hurt like hell for a child, but things become easier to understand and come to terms with, with age. This was the case for me.

Hey @tkdan63

Quote:

Originally Posted by tkdan63 Out of the blue my wife messages me telling me that she is still in love with me and is willing to forgive me for the affair and willing to wait however long it takes for me to come to my senses. I did not think at this point she could still be in love with me or that I had any feelings for her anymore.

You are very lucky your wife still loves you and wants to work on things. Are you sure you do and its not because there is an empty place where this other woman left?

Quote:

She wanted me to come by the house one evening and talk about it so I did. We ended up agreeing that we wanted our marriage to make it and would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. She tells me she had come to the realization that where we both were at in our marriage either one of us could have fallen into an affair if the right person came along.

Were there any other reasons discussed about what led to the affair?

Quote:

It was this realization that made it so that she could forgive what I had done. We are working on it and things are going well. This other person has made no attempt to contact me nor do I expect it. My wife may have forgiven me but I have not been able to. I have been bombarded with guilt and remorse for what I put her, my step children and my biological children through. I’ve found myself in a deep depression almost as soon as I moved back home. Some days aren’t as bad as others but I get no relief from it. Part of me believes I should suffer for what I’ve done, that I don’t deserve a second chance, or to be forgiven for my actions. It’s been three weeks and my depression has increased. I have talked extensively with my wife about it. She has been very understanding and I realize how fortunate I am to have her by my side through it all. So my depression is of my own making and I hope over time it will get better but for now I’m using this forum to reach out because I feel totally lost.

I think you need your own therapy and couples counseling. You need to get to the root of why the affair happened. It didnt just happen because you felt like roommates with your wife. Your wife needs a forum where she can get to the root of what she feels. She says she forgives you and wants to make it work but I donot believe its that simple.

I think what you feel is more guilt than depression. You should be very happy that your wife is willing to take you back. Unless your still mourning your loss.
What happened to you happens to many men and woman. Marriage goes stale,
the drifting apart takes place , you meet somebody exciting who full fills your needs at the time , etc...... Both sexes use each other for various reasons and then, well ,you either continue on with it or end it. It could have ended a lot worse for you. Being ghosted does suck though. I was straight out showed the door without any reason whatsoever. Same as being ghosted. Life goes on. Don’t let the guilt get to you . You should probably get some counseling though.
Best of luck to you.........

I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH ALL THE OTHER WISE AND WONDERFUL POSTERS AND EVERYTHING THAT THEY HAVE ALREADY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD!! I AM TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY THAT YOU'RE BOTH STRUGGLING AND HURTING SO BADLY AND THAT YOU'RE BOTH GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS! Definitely seek the help of a Therapist or ANY Professional working in the Mental Health Department! I'd also suggest Couple Counselling if your Wife is up to it and if you feel like it! Please be kind to yourself... Yes, you've made some mistakes, but you're doing your BEST to repair them so that's WONDERFUL! PLEASE ALWAYS BE REALLY REALLY KIND TO YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!Remember that YOU'RE AWESOME, you're beautiful, you're caring, you're kind, you're a dear, you're sweet, you're generous, you're friendly, you're expansive, you're resourceful, you're important, you're worth it, you matter, you're wise and YOU'RE WONDERFUL! THAT'S ALL AND ENTIRELY ABSOLUTELY AND ENTIRELY TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT'S ALL AND ENTIRELY ABSOLUTELY AND ENTIRELY TRUE AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS STRONGER THAN YOU BELIEVE AND THAT YOU WILL MAKE IT NO MATTER WHAT! THAT'S ALL AND ENTIRELY ABSOLUTELY AND ENTIRELY TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT'S ALL ABSOLUTELY AND ENTIRELY TRUE AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT! PLEASE NEVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU OR ALL OF YOUR LOVED ONES! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I am sure that if you work with your Wife and discuss the problems that may have led to your first separation things will work out! Keep us updated, keep working on yourself, keep trying your best along with your Wife and your Children AND KEEP US POSTED! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, KINDLY, WISELY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT! Sending Many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @tkdan63, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Wife, Your Children, Your Stepchildren, Your Therapists If You'Re Seeing Some, Your Pdocs If You'Re Seeing Some, Your Doctors, Your Nurses, Your Medical Staff, Your Medical Team, ALL The People You Love Who ALSO TRULY and DEEPLY Love You And Care About You For Who You Truly Are As Much As You Love Them And Care About Them For Who They TRULY Are Who TRULY Love And Care About You For WHO YOU TRULY ARE And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I AM TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY THAT YOU'RE HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY AND THAT YOU'RE BOTH GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS!!

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It has been rough lately. My wife has been great, very supportive. I'm just filled with guilt and self hate because of my actions. I know I need to forgive myself but I cannot seem to get there.

It sounds like you need some more time to work through the grief you’re experiencing over this. All this happened fairly recently. I think marriage counseling would also be a really good thing for you if that’s a resource available to you. You and your wife have been through a lot and it will take time to heal.