Can’t connect with stepchild because of his mother

Hello everyone I am looking for some advice. My husband and I have been married for over a year and a half now and have dated for a year before that. I am now pregnant and expecting my own child however my husband has a child from a previous relationship with a girl he used to date. He has a 4 year old and when we first started dating I loved him like my own and would go places with them and bathe him, change him, play with him, nurture him, rock him to sleep, etc however the longer I stayed with my husband (boyfriend at that time) the mother of his son (well call her Hannah) became upset and didn’t want me around her child she had tried to reconcile their relationship multiple times before we got together and while we were first seeing each other and all times he told her he was not interested in being with her any longer. I think she to this day still has feelings for him but we’ll get to that. So she told my husband she didn’t want me around him and he told her it was none of her business. We continued to date and she continued to try and make things hard for he and I she would constantly accuse him of cheating on me and have people message me on her behalf to tell me so with no proof, she would constantly text him and request changes of custody days for various reasons, she would get on Facebook and make fun of her “exes new girlfriend” and called me horrible names of course making it obvious she was talking about me but wouldn’t say my name, etc I didn’t let any of that bother me and as time went on and we continued to date she somewhat calmed down and I tried to be nice to her and not give her a reason to not like me. After my husband and I finally got married is when things and feelings took a turn for me. I asked my husband if I could start watching his son for Hannah while she worked or was in class if I was off of work I wanted to play a more active role and be a good step mother. He asked her and she completely shut him down and told him that she didn’t feel comfortable with me watching her son because when I go with my husband to drop him back off I don’t acknowledge her, or ever text her updates on him. However those things are not true I may not speak to her every time I see her but why do I need to speak to her when she tries to exclude me anyway? My husband gives him back to her and if she speaks to me or asks me any questions I was always very nice to her I would always give his son hugs and tell him I loved him when he left and I had proof where I had texted her updates on him when I kept him so used that as an excuse for me not to watch him. My husband told her that is not fair because if he trusts my judgement she should also as he would never put his son in harms way and if he trusts her boyfriend to watch him (which she had a boyfriend at the time we gotten married) then she should trust me. She refused to budge and that’s when I began to lose my feelings in being an active participant. As time goes on my husband continues to try and get her to let me spend more time with him when Hannah needed a sitter she always refused and I became very disheartened with the situation after all I had pretty much been his second mom and to be shot down when I had done everything possible right broke my heart. She also began to just try and be rude with my husband and not want to cooperate with custody schedules when we would switch days with her if she needed and cooperate any way she however would not do the same in return, she has always been very hard to get along with. I began to hide in my room when her son was over and let my husband do all the caring for him as I just began to not have a want to do anything anymore I quit going places as a family, I spent the minimal amount of time with him as possible, I switched to nightshift, I’d sleep all day and get up when he went to bed, etc I know none of this is his fault but I just felt there was no need to try and connect with a child that the parent didn’t want me to connect with, I couldn’t pick him up and take him to the park on my days off, I was always under scrutiny, nothing I did was appreciated and I just fell out of heart with it. My husband has never faulted me in any way for this as he understands it has pained me the way I was treated. Now I am expecting my own child with my husband and Hannah is still trying to make things hard and not being cooperative she still texts my husband all throughout the week and asks the same questions repeatedly my husband recently switched jobs and they are very short handed where he works so he’s had to work nights on the days he normally gets his son so his mom keeps him (as I work weekends permanently as a nightshift nurse) however my husband gets up early everyday before work and goes to spend time with his son and picks him up and takes him back and Hannah is threatening to take him back to court for “not keeping his son” even though he has explained to her his schedule varies at times and he cannot help that he has to work. He has asked to get his son during the week for a few hours and she will not answer him but gets mad when he can’t keep him on the weekends. She tries to belittle him in a round about way and constantly questioning him about who’s keeping her son and why he isn’t and if he has to work all week even when he’s already told her she also drags the 4 year old into it by asking him questions about if his dad has kept him or if he spent the night with his grandmother, etc, as soon as he goes home to her. I am 34 weeks and exhausted with the whole situation my husband doesn’t want to say anything to her as fear of her using it against him. I knew he had a son before we were married but I never imagined I would have to put up with a crazy mother like her. It has made me so aggravated over the whole situation and I’m not sure what to do I don’t have a want to see my stepson anymore and I know that’s terrible to say and I know it’s not his fault but I dread knowing he’s coming over. I used to love him like my own and now I just have such a hard time seeing it as anything other than my husband babysitting and I feel awful for it. I don’t know what to do to try and fix how I feel. Of course I love him and think he’s a sweet kid I just don’t want anything to do with the situation anymore. Someone please give me some advice.

Hello @ALC1429

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Originally Posted by ALC1429 Hello everyone I am looking for some advice. My husband and I have been married for over a year and a half now and have dated for a year before that. I am now pregnant and expecting my own child however my husband has a child from a previous relationship with a girl he used to date. He has a 4 year old and when we first started dating I loved him like my own and would go places with them and bathe him, change him, play with him, nurture him, rock him to sleep, etc however the longer I stayed with my husband (boyfriend at that time) the mother of his son (well call her Hannah) became upset and didn’t want me around her child she had tried to reconcile their relationship multiple times before we got together and while we were first seeing each other and all times he told her he was not interested in being with her any longer. I think she to this day still has feelings for him but we’ll get to that. So she told my husband she didn’t want me around him and he told her it was none of her business. We continued to date and she continued to try and make things hard for he and I she would constantly accuse him of cheating on me and have people message me on her behalf to tell me so with no proof, she would constantly text him and request changes of custody days for various reasons, she would get on Facebook and make fun of her “exes new girlfriend” and called me horrible names of course making it obvious she was talking about me but wouldn’t say my name,

Were you friends with her on facebook? Was he? In either case she should have been blocked. No custody relationship needs facebook and it just leads to trouble and drama. If it was just him friends with her on facebook, how did you find out she was talking about you?

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I tried to be nice to her and not give her a reason to not like me.

You didnt and do not need her to like you. Civil is all that is required.

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He asked her and she completely shut him down and told him that she didn’t feel comfortable with me watching her son because when I go with my husband to drop him back off I don’t acknowledge her, or ever text her updates on him.

If she has someone other than her watch him than your husband as that right too. Why in the world would you be expected to text her?

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I was always very nice to her I would always give his son hugs and tell him I loved him when he left and I had proof where I had texted her updates on him when I kept him so used that as an excuse for me not to watch him. My husband told her that is not fair because if he trusts my judgement she should also as he would never put his son in harms way and if he trusts her boyfriend to watch him (which she had a boyfriend at the time we gotten married) then she should trust me.

IMO if she wants updates she should buy her son a phone, ask your husband or speak to you when there is an exchange. You should block her number.

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She refused to budge and that’s when I began to lose my feelings in being an active participant. As time goes on my husband continues to try and get her to let me spend more time with him when Hannah needed a sitter she always refused and I became very disheartened with the situation after all I had pretty much been his second mom and to be shot down when I had done everything possible right broke my heart. She also began to just try and be rude with my husband and not want to cooperate with custody schedules when we would switch days with her if she needed and cooperate any way she however would not do the same in return,

What has your husband done to try and get her to agree to you being in this childs' life? He should be telling her that she has no choice. What kind of legal arrangement is there? Unless she can prove there is neglect she is making empty threats.

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I switched to nightshift, I’d sleep all day and get up when he went to bed, etc I know none of this is his fault but I just felt there was no need to try and connect with a child that the parent didn’t want me to connect with, I couldn’t pick him up and take him to the park on my days off, I was always under scrutiny, nothing I did was appreciated and I just fell out of heart with it.

I totally get it but what happens when the new baby comes? Are you supposed to hide out in your room and keep his sibling from him?

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Hannah is threatening to take him back to court for “not keeping his son” even though he has explained to her his schedule varies at times and he cannot help that he has to work

.If this is a us law thing she has no leg to stand on. No one is neglecting him.

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He has asked to get his son during the week for a few hours and she will not answer him but gets mad when he can’t keep him on the weekends. She tries to belittle him in a round about way and constantly questioning him about who’s keeping her son and why he isn’t and if he has to work all week even when he’s already told her she also drags the 4 year old into it by asking him questions about if his dad has kept him or if he spent the night with his grandmother, etc, as soon as he goes home to her.

In the US this is called parental alienation and it is not allowed. She is being mean, cruel and SHE is the one creating a bad environment for her son. Do not let her threats mean anything to you.

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I am 34 weeks and exhausted with the whole situation my husband doesn’t want to say anything to her as fear of her using it against him.

He is your husband and he HAS to say something to her. He HAS to stand up to her or as the child grows he will resent him. He should investigate what his legal options are and her harassment. Here some people have to do custody exchanges at the police department.

I know this is hard. But your husband needs to handle this. If he loves you and his son he needs to look into what the law says. He should not be facebook friends with her and he should tell her that unless texting is related to picking up or dropping off his son he will not respond.

The WISE AND WONDERFUL SARAHSWEETS has already WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID everything that needed to be said in my opinion BETTER THAN I EVER COULD!! You have EVERY RIGHT to see your child and she has NO RIGHT to not let you see him! That is not fair AT ALL! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're going through ALL OF THIS ands that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY! Please ask your Husband to see a Lawyer and see what you can do about ALL of this. You have a right to spend a good, happy Life with what is effectively one of your own right now. Please talk to your husband about ALL of this. Hopefully he'll decide to do something about it and ask someone else for help. He HAS to stand up for BOTH of you otherwise things will just get worse. Wishing you the best of luck to BOTH you and your Husband and your Stepson as well and I hope that Woman gets out of the way. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need someone to talk to or vent to or even if you need some advice and support. I'll try to get back at you AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN! THAT'S A PROMISE! ICAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, KINDLY, WISELY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @ALC1429, Your Family, Your Husband, Your Stepchild and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Also consider visiting a Therapist or ANY other professionals if you feel like you need some psychological assistance to get through ALL of this! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're struggling and hurting SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS!!