Long post* MY In-laws are going to ruin my marriage

I have a horrible relationship with my in-laws. It started with my MIL when I started dating my husband 7 years ago. His mother has a drinking and pill problem and becomes a very aggressive, abusive person when she drinks and does pills. My father in law is a narcissist that is constantly negative and nothing myself or my husband do is enough.

It started a few months into dating my husband whom has multiple business degrees decided he wanted to pursue his lifetime dream instead and be in law enforcement. He decided maybe he would test to be an officer in the military. I supported him. His parents went off on me grabbing my arm when I went to leave thanking them for dinner. I had never been called a loser before or a retard. I cried the whole drive home. That should have been an eye opener to what I was getting myself into.

Several years passed and the same things kept happening. My husband graduated the police academy and my FIL sat at his graduation saying his son should be in a suit and how embarrassing. I was embarrassed for him that the proud families near had to listen to him.

My husbands first years on the job he hurt his knee and had to get surgery and my MIL said she couldn’t make it because she had to work. I showed up that day and she hated me being there. While he was in surgery she lost it on me about how we are both losers and everything in between. We came home from the hospital and she has stolen her sons pain pills when she picked the prescription up. Mind you- they are the family that is better than everyone and know one knows she has had 2 dui’s, a tether, sent to jail and gets fired from jobs.

A year later with a lot of drama and not speaking in between....(they would throw my Christmas gifts out) my husband decided it was time to move out. So, my family and I lived a half hour south in a nicer neighborhood and since I had all of the money saved and the house would be in my name we found a house we both loved near my family. Well, all hell broke out. We live in the boondocks, it was my decision, I’m hitler, I moved him far away, etc. But, they will travel 45 mins to work. We got engaged and we both decided with myself having a large family we would just have a destination wedding. We were super excited! My MIL complained my mom didn’t call her about the shower yet, so my mom started planning the shower the next week and called her and she was on board (she was sober). The next day after she called my mother telling her how much of a piece of crap I am, how much of losers my family is and that they saved 10k for their sons dream wedding in a church and it was tacky to have a shower for a destination wedding. My mom was hurt and offended. Due to her saying only her and her aunt would be attending and not to invite her family, they were the only 2 on his side at the shower. My mother paid for all of it and when my MIL got there I hugged them and sat them at the front table to see us open gifts. She told my husband to come by after to their house. He stopped by and she gave him his exes bracelet she gave him and a ring she gave him and it was the ex that she always “accidentally” called me then denied calling me and told my FIL that I sat them at the back at a table my themselves at the shower. Victims, always.

The wedding came and my husband told her not to come if she was drinking. The 10k they said they had saved, we got nothing from them. Our rehearsal day, she showed up drunk on the beach yelling “don’t marry her” and nasty things then in front of my face told another girl she wishes she was going to be her daughter instead. The wedding day I paid for her makeup and wanted to start fresh since this was the best day of my life. My Fil made sure she was sober and they sat there.

A month after the wedding I was a month pregnant. She stated she hopes the baby doesn’t turn out retarded and called me his exes name then the next day pretended nothing happened. I texted her back that she really hurt me calling me an exes name from 10 years ago and stating what she said about the baby and if she was sober she wouldn’t say those things and I hope for the baby’s sake she gets sober before he comes because he deserves the best grandma. She lost it on me saying every mean, awful thing I am not. She was so good at lying though, people believed her. Through my pregnancy I was alone my husband ignored it all and my FIL didn’t care about her verbally abusive messages. We realized she was deleting the mean and keeping the nice so he didn’t see. I started screen shooting and my FIL never said a thing to her even though he knew it was awful. I didn’t speak to them my whole rest of my pregnancy, but my husband still went to dinner with his dad.

Two months before the baby was due my FIL wanted to squash it. He came over and was trying to justify her actions stating why they felt I was a loser, why they don’t like me and how sick his wife was because of me and that I press her buttons. Why? Because I tell her when she hurts my feelings and isn’t nice? Wait, she’s sick? She’s not the one who was bullied all pregnancy when I didn’t say a thing in return. For the first time, I stood my ground to my FIL. Instead of just taking it, I stood my ground. Respect my elders didn’t apply here. “I’m not a loser, I make more than you and your wife combined I just don’t brag about it, I’ve had 2 houses in my name and 2 cars, I’ve never been in trouble and I love your son and would never hurt him and she’s sick? I could careless how she feels when she’s made me sick all pregnancy and hurt” He left shortly after and my husband realized his mother’s problem has built his father into thinking it’s ok and being a victim of her abuse. Did I also mention they got divorced when he was 6 and

I went and accepted her apology and told her it was the last apology I’ll ever accept and she swore she would be sober. The next week we went to dinner and she was wasted. Then a week later the baby came early and was put into the NICU in another hospital and I had to stay at the other. When I finally got to the hospital to see him only 2 people allowed in the room at a time and only parents can hold him. Perfect since she isn’t sober still and works in mouths all day. I went in there and she was holding the baby (the staff messed up) and she was in his face over the incubated box. I thought I was going to have a breakdown. My husband told them we wanted time alone with him and took cover for me.

The baby came home 10 days later and for the next few months anytime we saw them my husband would ask if she was sober before she came and my FIL would lose it getting all mad my husband even asked. They insisted one day we went to their house because they didn’t want to drive a half hour so we did. We packed the baby chair, baby bag, food and loaded the baby in his car seat and just then he puked everywhere. We changed him and my FIL called complaining we were late and he needed ice cream and us to pick the aunt up. We were driving 30 mins with a sick newborn with all things loaded up and he was worried about the aunt and the ice cream? We got there minus the ice cream and my god he lost it on us oh and my MIL wasn’t sober. He admitted her knew. This was the 3rd visit he lied for her. When we got there he was cooking with chicken and came running to the car seat and I asked politely “oh did you wash your hands” and he lost his crap again about how rude it was I said that.

The next time they came over she smelled. I didn’t say anything and continued being polite. Then when my husband hugged her goodbye he whispered to me and I shook my head that I smelled it too. Well, my FIL didn’t like it and told my husband we can go to hell and not to come to his funeral. A lot got exchanged over the next few months all nasty. The baby wasn’t his, I’m hitler, control your wife, etc. it pushed us further away. My husband rehashed a lot of his childhood scars to them and they ignored all of them, still blaming me.

9 months went by and a lot of drama in between and then pretending nothing happened and they showed up before Christmas. This was the 2nd time I lost my cool. How could they show up and not say let’s sit down and just pretend all is well. No. They needed to be told they don’t say those things. I went off on them and as things escalated between my husband and his father I told them 3 times to leave and when my FIL kept getting deeper into hurting my husband and the baby was crying and my husband was it was time they left. My husband said leave and they wouldn’t so I told them if they didn’t I would call the police. My MIL mumbled he is the police and they left. The mailed my husband a meat package for Christmas. My husband invited his father to our child’s 1st birthday since they said they wouldn’t pay for the mother to go to rehab and that she doesn’t drink anymore. I wasn’t aware an alcoholic can just stop pills and drinking. He said if his wife wasn’t invited he wasn’t coming and he also wouldn’t be stepping foot in “her house” even though we are married and it’s “our” house. His aunts and uncles all that don’t speak to his parents either al came to the baby’s birthday.

My husband gets a text from her at least once a week about her going to see a psychologist once a week and she misses him and wants to see the baby and can he talk to hitler (myself). It makes me so upset when she texts and I can’t help myself if he responds it annoys me. It’s literally going to ruin our marriage. I’m at my breaking point. He can’t just have a relationship with them because for them that wouldn’t be enough. He can’t just see them ever so often, it wouldn’t be enough. They manipulate and guilt him.

Yesterday my husband told me his misses them which I’m sure he does and he said it bothers him seeing my family with the baby. I asked him what he wanted to do he said he didn’t know. I told him I will never be around them, but he can but the second they want to see the baby and she still hasn’t gone to rehab it will be another fight him and I have. My husband and I never fight unless it comes to them.

I love my husband dearly, but sometimes I feel like the anxiety and pain that comes from his family is a battle I can’t fight. I feel like I could cry any second just thinking of them or our marriage because of their stress and I’m not sure what to do.

This will be harsh but you and your husband have to cut all ties with them. Every single one. Block their numbers, do not accept their mail even go as far as getting a restraining order. This goes beyond them ruining your marriage. Now you have an unfit grandma and an equally blind unfit grandpa. What if your friend acted like this? Would you have them over and let them be around the baby? If you are in the US you can get them tresspassed from your property so that if they come on to it they are immediately arrested. I am sure they will threaten you will legal intervention for grandparents rights but do not pay any attention. Her history is enough to shoot that ***** down.

My brother wasnt too fond of our side of the family either. His wife has a pretty active imagination that i am out to ruin their lives. But somehow they resolved to go to my mothers house once a month for dinner (family birthdays and national holidays, as it worked out), and we all managed to play nice for those few hours and not bring up the past, present or the future as much as possible. My sister in law did a lot of hovering over the baby. Nobody else fed him (well, i didnt; grandma did sometimes). Its doable if you are motivated. I wish you well.

I agree with Sarah 100%

Just stop the madness totally. Your husband is a police officer so he knows how to get a restraining order in place.

You have had the patience of a saint !

Get these toxic pieces of garbage out of your life completely.

Have you thought about relocating in the future and don't let them know, file a restraining order against them?.Have your husband enforce the law by explaining what laws they broke?

This is terrible. It’s terrible for you and your kids. I agree with the others. Cut ties with these people. There’s no other way to get your life back and find some peace of quiet.

This relationship sounds so toxic and I’m sorry you are in it.

What strikes me about this is that you have all this horrific scenes, yet you (or your husband) keep seeing them faithfully and having a relationship.

Personally, I went through one silly struggle over nothing with my family and no one ever spoke to each other again!

You love your husband. He loves his parents. They are causing you too much stress. Your keeping away from them is probably the best thing for you to do for now. Let him see them by himself, even with the kids, as you have been and just don’t go yourself. It sounds like that’ what you’ve been doing and maybe that’s the best thing for now for everyone. It doesn’t sound like your kids are getting physically hurt. Your FIL’s hands with raw chicken on them was dealt with effectively. Hopefully your husband can protect your kids from stuff like that? That would be my biggest concern— Are the children safe when they visit without you there?

If you love your husband, just hang in there and don’t interact with his toxic parents, who really trigger you.

Thank you for your response! Everyone has very valid points. I guess I should have mentioned my husband and I haven’t seen them aside from their awful visit I mentioned before Christmas. That’s the problem my husband has. He has been a victim his whole life as well and while he knows things they do/say is wrong he still loves them. He wants validation from them that they are proud and to see his son grow up. He’s never gotten a pat on the back from his father. Most of our arguments are because they called and texted and said something awful or because they want to be in our lives. They can’t handle once a month they are smothering and boundaries would never be acceptable for them. They guilt trip him every angle possible. I feel like a horrible wife because I know he doesn’t talk to them because of the pain they’ve caused, but if it wasn’t for me he would probably still see them because to him that life is normal.

Maybe you husband would benefit seeing a Therapist ? It could help him process the relationship he had growing up with them and especially if he’s wanting that validation, your husband likely needs to just process the fact he will never get what he is looking for and move forward with his life , you and your children.

You have every right to not go around them...

My first husband had horrible parents and after I had my child I refused to ever see them again. My husband still saw them every month or so.

Does your husband feel like it is his duty to visit his parents? That is how mine puts it. It's a similar situation, although we live much further away from his parents than you do and I think that helps a lot. I try to stay out of their relationship as much as possible. It's so frustrating to see the guilt trips and manipulation from the sidelines but it's his relationship to sort out. When we do visit, the dynamics drive me crazy but since it's what he grew up with, like you said, it's normal to him