I think my partner [M31] has an issue with porn. How do I know for sure?

I think my boyfriend is addicted to porn but I'm not sure. We've been together about 1.5 years. We do have sex but very often he has trouble getting/maintaining an erection. I'm 32 and he's 31.

He says he has a low sex drive but he watches porn and masturbates. He says he can only get aroused once a day, so on days that he's watched porn there's no hope of us being intimate.

We used to have sex about once a week but we don't anymore. Maybe once every 2/3 weeks.

He says he watches porn to relieve stress when he's working from home (1-2 days per week) and also sometimes before he goes to sleep. He says porn has nothing to do with sex.

He's been watching porn since he was a teenager and all through his adult life, even when he has a partner.

I've tried wearing things he likes, giving him as much oral sex as he wants/needs, being more verbal with him (he wants me to says things like "I really want to f*** you) but half the time it doesn't really work. He loses his erection whenever he's focused on giving me pleasure, like touching me or going down on me, which makes me feel horrible.

I've tried to talk to him and have a conversation around how his porn use might be impacting our sex life but he just gets angry and says that porn has nothing to do with sex.
What do you think?

If it's interfering with your relationship, it's a problem. He needs to get some help, but it's not likely he will unless he is forced. I'd tell him seriously I'd like to break off the relationship. And do it.

I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH THE WISE AND WONDERFUL @Molinit! I AM TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIENDS ARE HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY AND THAT YOU'RE BOTH GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS! I definitely feel like he should seek the help of a Therapist. From what you're saying it DOES seem like he's having problems with Porn Addiction and he needs to work on it, even simpy out of respect for YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP! So yes, definitely talk it through with him and if he refuses to get ANY help then I'm sorry to say it, but you may want to end the relationship with him! I hope you'll be able to work things out with him though! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need Advice And Support or even simply someone to talk to or vent to! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, KINDLY, BEAUTIFULLY, WISELY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well if you just ask! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your boyfriend, @amyyyyblack, your family, your friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I AM TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND ARE HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY AND THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND ARE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

If porn doesn't have anything to do with sex, then he should still be able to have a healthy sexual relationship while also watching porn on occasion.

This is a shot in the dark, but that might be performance anxiety and he might prefer porn because it doesn't require any skill on his part.

Hello amyyyyblack: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Here are links to a selection of 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of porn watching plus 1 that offers tips for talking with someone who always gets defensive:

Five FACTS About Porn

My Husband, His Porn and How I Cope | Full Heart, Empty Arms

Sexual Dysfunction: The Escalating Price of Abusing Porn

Does Watching Porn Affect Intimate Relationships? (Part One: Men)

How Much Porn is Too Much Porn?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-po...your-sex-life/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...ets-defensive/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

If it’s interfering with your sex life then it’s absolutely an issue.

I can see his point about the porn not having to do with sex... some doctors and therapists including my own teach when you watch porn listen to the story lines / the plot/ look at the emotions that the actors and actresses are portraying. in the acting business its not sex. its acting. there are non sexual ways that these actors and actresses use to get the deed done.

as my wifes and my couples therapist said to us... can you imagine having to perform on Q, so many times a day to get that movie scene take right, can you imagine what it takes to be able to get the deed done while there are 2,3, sometimes 6-8 camera's rolling, can you imagine what it takes to be able to perform on Q when there are close to 10-20 people in a room watching you. Porn isn't sex its acting, its a movie production just like the daily soap opera's that people watch every day, just like that favorite drama, or documentary you like to watch. check out those ending credits (producers directors, key grips, prop persons, assistants to the actors/ actresses, catering services, … if you ever watch a porn keep the show on to see the ending credits and that will show you how many people are in the room while what we think is sex is going on.

Funny story.... my wife and some friends were playing cards one night. we are lesbians and one of the couples there with us were guys. they brought up a favorite porn flick that happened to be one my wife and I had seen together. They are totally enjoying their telling us about the film when my wife bold as anything said

"oh man did you get a look at those credits"
male friend "no I never watch the credits why did they add some more scenes?"
wife "no, I was just wondering how they were able to do this "a scene in the film" with the directors three of them, the producers 9 producers, three key grips, 8 assistants to the actors, the catering service, the prompters, 6 camera men, 4 prop persons, the credits on that film of how many people that were in the room, even gave a credit to the prosthetics company for that fake …
male friend "you know how to kill the enjoyment of a film don't you."

ever since then this male couple can not enjoy porn. they have never watched the credits nor realized how many people it takes to put a film together or considered that its not sex its acting.

porn is not sex, its an XXX rated film production just like any G, PG, PG13, or R rated film, its a film production just like our favorite soaps, or reality show or anything else you see on daily tv shows. The only difference is they reveal more in nudity, sex and sometimes violence than our daily soaps or R rated films. and some times love scenes and sexualized scenes in all kinds of films but especially R and XXX rated films can get someone arroused.

My point is its a good thing that your guy recognizes that porn is not sex because it isn't. its just a film that shows more than that R rated movie you and he may have seen at some point in your lives together..

as for the stress relief and sleep, yes my own treatment providers have recommended that to me rather than handing out a prescription for a tranquilizer, anti this or anti that. and yes masturbating does release endorphins that relieve stress and helps a person sleep. my opinion masturbation either alone or with my wife works better than any sleep and stress pill I have ever tried.

suggestion maybe you and he can watch a porn together and he can explain to you why he does not consider porn to be sex and you can watch the ending credits together, maybe even during the film some action can begin where you both start out with the film then move into you and he together with the film in the background like some people enjoy light music in the background. and who knows maybe watching the ending credits and talking about how its a film production not sex will help to curb the porn and get things going with the both of you instead.