Relationship Conflicts

Hello!

I'm 35 years old and I've been in a serious and loving relationship for four years. My partner and I come from different backgrounds (but very similar cultures) and since the start of our relationship, he always wanted to meet my parents with the hopes of building a good relationship with them as well. My dad, on the other hand, disapproved once he found out that he's from a different background (nationality, religion) and not having the social status that he had hoped for. He refused to meet him or know anything about him for four years and always tried to discourage me from staying in this relationship, but for me those are the wrong reasons not to be with someone. My mom, on the other hand, was understanding and more flexible than dad. But because dad didn't want to meet him, my mom couldn't either. Mom was never taking sides between me and dad, and my partner believes that she should have sided with me to prove a point to my dad. Obviously, my dad and I were always arguing and that created a negative family environment and put a lot of strain on my relationship with my partner. My partner, despite knowing my dad wants nothing to do with him and despite feeling hurt, decided to start on a clean slate and surprised my father one day with a home visit, holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of sweets. My dad wasn't exactly welcoming with his interrogations and came across as condescending. It was so uncomfortable that the visit didn't even last more than 20 minutes.

After that incident, my partner told me that he really tried his best to get close to my parents (which he really did), but that he can't force them, which I understand. He made him feel like 'the ugly duckling'. He was never treated this way ever in his life and he felt truly insulted, which I completely understand too. He said that he wants us to spend our life together but that he doesn't ever want to meet my parents again, and that I can have a relationship with them as long as I don't ask for him to see them.

To give you a bit of my cultural background... normally a woman moves out of her parents' home once she decides to get married. I live with my parents because I love the family environment and in our culture it is normal to live with your parents no matter what age you are. I was about to move out from home five months back because of my dad's crisis but then my dad asked me not to move out and he promised he wouldn't ever tell me any negative comments, which he indeed stopped doing and completely changed his attitude with me and started accepting the fact that I wouldn't change my mind. He made efforts into not being selfish and stopped interfering with my relationship.

I love both my partner and my parents. My partner introduced me to his family in his country last month and it went really well. However, they have no idea how my family treated him. Now even though dad started changing for the best, my partner promised he will never come back from his word and will never meet them because they did wrong by him.

How am I going to get married when my partner wants nothing to do with my parents anymore? Am I just going to wake up one day and tell my parents that I'm leaving home? that we're getting married and that there won't be a wedding?

That means that once I'm married, I am going to visit my parents by myself. When my parents will need me, it's just going to be me. That means I can never spend holidays with them or spend weeknights together if I have children one day. We're talking about my parents who raised me. Although they were unfair with our relationship and my dad had turned into a boogeyman, they were good to me and supportive in everything else, all the way. My parents are first generation immigrants and still hold on to their home country's mentality, plus they're old.

My partner asked me not to ever try and ask him to have anything to do with my parents because he will never change his mind.

How am I supposed to deal with this situation?

Having been married for 31 years and having experienced many conflicts in my family, my POV is that your mother sounds wonderful. If she had taken sides against your dad (especially if it was in a very public way), it would have put a huge strain on her marriage with your dad. Your partner should understand this and also at least understand the position your mom is in.

Do you think there are any similiarities between your dad and your partner? My POV is that your partner's reaction (that he will have nothing to do with your dad) is a bit like your father's behavior.

How long ago did the incident take place? If you announce you are getting married to your parents, maybe your father would take the initiative to make a fresh start? If you get married then both your partner and your dad will have to learn to tolerate each other. Perhaps a formal wedding would help? Is your partner this "pig headed" on other issues? If he loves you, he should continue to try to tolerate your dad. Of course, if the incident was recently, maybe he just needs time to get over the hurt/anger that he feels over it. Of course, if you have children, my POV is that it is best for the children to have a relationship with all their grandparents.

I am sorry your partner is saying it's him or your parents. He should be thinking of your feelings in this too. Unless he comes around, this will probably eventually happen in other situations too, so don't back down on this. Try to continue to talk about it with him. This is a situation where you and your partner have to come to some kind of compromise or he should at least be willing to acknowledge your feelings. I say this as a person who sometimes didn't confront my partner about issues because he was so stubborn. That I didn't confront him more directly was either because of my low self esteem or it caused low self esteem. When we fight for what we want and believe--it makes us much happier in the long run. Don't back down on this! Tell your partner exactly how this whole thing makes you feel until he at least acknowledges your feelings!

Reading your post made me think of the movie "My big fat Greek Wedding". The father in this movie was also very stubborn but FINALLY came around. Similar issue, cultural differences and how the father wanted her to marry someone who was Greek. You should think about sitting and watching that movie with your boyfriend and maybe even having your parents watch it.

I can understand why your boyfriend was so upset though, no one likes to be treated the way your father treated him. My own father tended to be the same way. My husband never really felt comfortable around my parents, tended to be quiet and just went to my family functions to be nice but never really felt at home with my family. I am sure your boyfriend doesn't want to feel how your father made him feel despite his trying to make it a point to be friendly and brave.

First, thank you for your post and the time you took to analyze my situation. I sincerely appreciate it!

My mom indeed is a wonderful woman. She has also been through a lot of stress because of my relationship, constantly trying to console both me and dad. You're right, if she sided with me, it would cause more strain on her relationship with my dad. I did explain this to my partner more than once, but I think he was just hurt and not thinking clearly.


I think I didn't express myself correctly in my first post. He never asked me to choose between him and my parents. All he said was that he didn't want anything to do with my parents and that I could see them and be there for them whenever I want, as long as he's not included. He only didn't want to have any contact with them.

I tell my partner that many times I feel like I'm talking to dad when he's talking to me. They both are very stubborn and this sucks the life out of me.

The incident took place eight months ago. I haven't been confronting him about it because I am giving him time to get over the anger and hurt that he feels.

He does care about my feelings and has always been very considerate especially when it comes to my relationship with my parents. He wants me to understand his and to respect that he doesn't want to be forced to speak to them. Having known him for three years, he is a good-hearted man and despite him telling me that he will never change his mind, I have hope that he would at least speak to my parents when the day comes and we announce that we want to get married, and not put me in a situation where I leave home without having my parents meet him. That would make things a lot worse. It would be like pouring oil on the fire. There should be at least a minimum of contact between them, they don't need to be best friends.

Thank you again!

Hello


Thank you for your post.


My Big Fat Greek Wedding I thought exactly the same and I already mentioned this to both my parents and my boyfriend. Maybe I should have them watch it again.


He told me that he knows he will never feel at home with my family so he prefers just to distance himself from them because he doesn't like to pretend.