Am I Really In The Wrong?

Hey guys! Sorry, I wasn't sure whether this was the correct thread to post on cause it's going to be about friendship issues.

An ex-friend of mine (we will call her "N") and another friend (we will call her "A") have been my closest friends since middle school.

N had begun to put me down alot and make fun of my weight as well.

I found it funny until it really started to bug me after awhile and we even went to the gym together and even then she wouldn't let me concentrate because she always had an issue she wanted to talk about but when it came to me either she wouldn't pay attention to what I was saying or she'd criticize me.

Or worse. Give unwanted advice that I didn't ask for because all I was doing was venting.

She had felt lonely, suicidal, bored, frustrated or in need of emotional support and I would Uber and Lyft to her house with little money I had just to give her company. Heck, when she didn't have a car at the time, I'd pay for the rides for us to hang out almost all the time.

I practically had a habit of having time for her than myself or my own family.

Then there was a time I disappeared for 2 years because I wanted to be alone and I was going through so much at the time and both N and A were upset that I ghosted them. (I don't really remember what exactly triggered it, either.)

I apologized and they forgave me.

N's personality had drastically changed and she started getting tired of hearing me vent to her and not take her advice or change. Things were going bad in my home at the time and she had offered me to live at her place in the meantime and at first I was pretty happy about it. Excited, even.

But then I slowly realized that I would practically be under her rules and she probably would've belittled me even more and even go far as to treat me like a maid because I had a habit of cleaning around her house and her mother adored that because N doesn't do chores for her mom like she's supposed to.

She would've taken advantage of my kindness even more.

I would sympathize with her and I've been there for her through thick and thin even when I didn't have the time and I would even goes as far as to abandon being with my family and go out for hours on end or stay at her home until it was 4 in the morning.

I even recently helped her (with extra help of a friend of ours) file a human resources complaint about her job. This was one of her first jobs that paid well and when she would get big checks, she would flaunt it at me or everyone else on how she has like a thousand dollars in her savings and her checkings.
Which made me feel bad because wow here I was struggling with my anxiety and familial/personal problems and this chick is having the time of her life.

She finally got her car and we were both excited. Gosh, I was so excited for her the most because dang her new car was amazing.

Anyways, she would mock me about how little my hours were and that it's not like I had a life and to hang out with her or I dunno what else she'd say after that.

She practically made me feel like a special case along with A. A seems super self-entitled along with N and it screwed up my self-esteem. BIG TIME.

N would be mean to me and make jokes and she wouldn't take me seriously and had me like some kind of back-up when nobody was around to bother with her boisterous self.

Until one day (very recently) I started to be passive aggressive, too. Because I was tired of being treated bad and letting it go because oh she's a friend and all friends roast each other all the time so I might as well do the same but worse and see how she feels.

Until one day she told me that she'd wanted to talk to me about my behavior. But get this. The three of us once had a fight and had an agreement that we'd change for the better and be more conscious of what we say and be more supportive. That did not last long. It did not.

I hadn't seen any change from A and N changed but only last for about either a month to a few weeks until she started treating me bad.

N and A have been trying to make me turn against my family when I would vent about familial fights with them.

They've mocked me about not going to college. They've gotten envious about my current job.

Up to this point, this was how my hatred began for them because they've put me under the bus too at some point with an ex-bff of theirs which was another reason why I disappeared for two years.

Now to skip over more details:

Four nights ago, we had just come back from shopping a bit and N went to drop me off at my house. Usually she wants me to be around but this time she didn't want me around until I mentioned that we could play with my younger brothers Nintendo Switch and offered to talk to her and such.

Younger brother wouldn't answer the door and I realized I brought the wrong keys. N got impatient and upset. N's younger sister started getting impatient.

So N tells me to wait outside then because she wants to go home and her sister tells me to climb through the window or something.

I was already pissed off over the door not being answered so I stormed off without saying goodbye and waited until it was opened.

Later on at night I told her off and she didn't like that. I wanted to talk to her and I told her not to expect me to see her for awhile because this was the last straw.

She cussed at me and told me that I was selfish for leaving the group chat when A was crying about her college problems, called my family pathetic because they practically threw me so she'd deal with me (even though she was the one who offered to have me) and said I've been a ***** and have changed and that SHE was tired from my abuse and wanted to feel happy and have time for herself and to leave her alone. (She already had things going on quite similar to my problems but that's a whole different story.)

I told her to have a nice life and to find some other shmuck to tag along with her and it pissed her off even more.

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So... Do you guys think I'm in the wrong even though I've tried my best to be a good friend...?

Hey @cashlak

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Originally Posted by cashlak N had begun to put me down alot and make fun of my weight as well.

I do not understand why you would have tolerated this even for a minute because its not funny, its mean.

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She had felt lonely, suicidal, bored, frustrated or in need of emotional support and I would Uber and Lyft to her house with little money I had just to give her company. Heck, when she didn't have a car at the time, I'd pay for the rides for us to hang out almost all the time.

Considering how mean she was it seems like you may have a little codependency going on. I am not trying to criticize you it just seems like it to me.

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N's personality had drastically changed and she started getting tired of hearing me vent to her and not take her advice or change. Things were going bad in my home at the time and she had offered me to live at her place in the meantime and at first I was pretty happy about it. Excited, even.

I sure hope you didnt move in with her.

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I would sympathize with her and I've been there for her through thick and thin even when I didn't have the time and I would even goes as far as to abandon being with my family and go out for hours on end or stay at her home until it was 4 in the morning. I even recently helped her (with extra help of a friend of ours) file a human resources complaint about her job. This was one of her first jobs that paid well and when she would get big checks, she would flaunt it at me or everyone else on how she has like a thousand dollars in her savings and her checkings. Which made me feel bad because wow here I was struggling with my anxiety and familial/personal problems and this chick is having the time of her life.

That is not how a friend in need acts.

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Until one day (very recently) I started to be passive aggressive, too. Because I was tired of being treated bad and letting it go because oh she's a friend and all friends roast each other all the time so I might as well do the same but worse and see how she feels. Until one day she told me that she'd wanted to talk to me about my behavior. But get this. The three of us once had a fight and had an agreement that we'd change for the better and be more conscious of what we say and be more supportive. That did not last long. It did not. I hadn't seen any change from A and N changed but only last for about either a month to a few weeks until she started treating me bad.

Frankly I just do not see the appeal. You go out of your way for your friend, take abuse, go out of your way again, take more abuse...

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N and A have been trying to make me turn against my family when I would vent about familial fights with them. They've mocked me about not going to college. They've gotten envious about my current job.

They cant turn you against your family unless you let them. What does your family think of them?
This isnt about right or wrong. This is about you being taken advantage of.

Those people are NOT friends.

It sounds like you need to make new friends. It also sounds like you need to be a friend to yourself first.

I'm curious as to why you've put up with their BS for so long. They're clearly not your friends.

You sound like you are still young yet and just trying to figure out how to navigate when it comes to interacting with individuals that you spend time with and try to be friends with. From what you have shared you do try to be there for your friends, however, it sounds like your friends don't know how to be there for you and tend to put you down. Well, some people learn how to be better friends to others and some just never learn and a friend to them is someone they "use". That means these individuals tend to use you to vent to, to put down when they need to feel superior, to just be someone they use when they don't have anyone else to hang with, and expect you to do for them and praise them. Sometimes a person can be more lonely when they spend time with a so called "friend/friends" then they are when they are alone. This is typically a warning sign that the individuals you are calling friends are not really friends and tend to just use you as an audience. This is what creates a codependent type individual who doesn't even realize they tend to be that individual that is just an audience in relationships and is only recognized by others when they don't fit into what these others need FOR THEMSELVES and they tend to be the one a person takes their anger and frustrations out on.

Unfortunately, many children are not nurtured properly where the parents and mentors help them learn to develop their OWN identity and also to encourage others to do the same and show respect for that. Often there is too much focus on what a child doesn't get right instead of what they DO get right. This leads to the development of deep insecure feelings when a child gets something wrong and they don't know what to do about the shame they experience, when instead they should be focusing more on what they ARE doing well and getting right, to focus on the fact that they ARE actually learning and gaining new skills. When your friend was putting you down for your weight, she was showing you WHAT SHE LEARNED which is to focus on negatives instead of saying "you are pretty and a nice person, it's good that you are improving on that with working out at the gym".

Some never grow out of being critical and only using others, and some actually learn how to be a good friend and develop friendships where they enjoy spending time with the other person and don't walk away feeling bad about themselves. It sounds from what you shared that you distanced from these two friends because they tended to encourage you to feel bad about yourself too much. Doesn't really sound like they have changed much, time to find some new friends that you can feel good around instead of constantly feeling bad.

These were your friends since you were kids. The dynamic where you’d vent all your problems and the immature teasing comes from having been so young when you met. You all didn’t know better due to your age.

But you’d hope that you’d all mature and the relationships would grow up, too. The teasing is mean and must not be tolerated. The venting you did for moral support which was then used against you is a common dynamic in friendships gone bad. I’ve experienced this myself and learned the hard way. So, I try to not vent too much and keep a boundary with friends. In more mature friendships there’s a degree of venting and support for issues, but with a limit. IMHO, having good times together enjoying experiences is the stuff of bonding friendships with a peppering of emotional support.

I don’t think you are at all in the wrong here. Maybe there is still a maturity the friendships with these two can elevate to and improve.

I had two similar friends as you describe since childhood. With one, we are still great friends. It’s just a healthy, supportive friendship. With the one who kept giving us both jabs veiled as humor, we both have had to cut ties with her. She could/would never grow up and improve. Honestly, over time she got much worse. Probably a disorder was behind her toxic behavior. But we certainly tried and gave her countless chances before cutting ties.

It's going to be difficult when it comes to cutting ties with them. My younger brother had told me that if things patch up to just consider them as what we call "hi and bye" friends because obviously these guys have been hurting me for many years and didn't like it when I hurt them. They gave me this tough love and when I didn't take their "easy" advice, N had told me that I've been a whiny b**** because I let out steam in an unhealthy way and that I complained a lot when really she's the one who has been doing that herself.

I'm happy that you let go of that one friend that was toxic to you, it must've been very difficult but in the end you preserveered without them.

I would take it as a joke and then I wouldn't. It was like an endless cycle of believing that she wasn't in the wrong for saying those things and then realizing that maybe she was a terrible person for joking like that.

Yep, it definitely is but I realized this too late after all the damage inflicted by her but now it's going to be difficult letting go and letting things be. To move on, so to speak.

Oh no of course not! It would've been a bigger disaster considering she would've taken advantage of me even more.

The appeal to me was having friends and going out with those friends.

I tried not to let them. My family dislikes both A and N because they've seen how they've acted and they've seen how I've been hurt by them.

My younger brother hates A because she tries to come off as mature but she is far from that and talks down to people. He also hates N because of all the aforementioned s*** she did to me.

Older brother? Yep, he definitely hates their guts.

Mother is neutral but sometimes she does dislike them alot.