Why does he still contact me if he’s seeing someone else?

Hello,

I joined this site in the hope that it would be able to provide me with some better quality advice compared to some other sites out there.

My question is about a guy.
A little context first though, we went on two dates three years ago before we both had to move countries for our careers. Since moving away I let the contact die down so that I could let my feelings fade for him as I got the impression he didn’t want it to continue.
Two months later he inititlated contact and every month since then he’s increased the contact. At one point he would message me all day every day and because I felt a strong attraction to him I wanted to find out what it was all about. In the end it seemed like he was either lonely or just wanted the flirtation to make him feel better rather than initiate something again.
Since it didn’t seem like it would become romantic (bad timing for me and maybe that’s not what he wanted) I’ve tried to politely be honest with him and reduce the contact, but he still contacts me every 1-3 weeks on a regular basis, but I’ve just found out he has a woman he’s seeing where he lives now (but he hasn’t told me this himself - he never mentions other women).

There’s much more to this but it’s difficult to get it all across here, but my main question is why is he still contacting me if he’s seeing someone else now? And how do I best handle it?

I know that was long so I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

Maybe he’s feeding his ego if the nature of the contact is flirtatious. I wouldn’t say contacting you once every 1-3 weeks is excessive. It’s probably more the contact. I wouldn’t be happy dating a partner who flirted with other women. I think possibly he was lonely after you separated to different countries. Maybe the contact wasn’t about a desire to rekindle anything but more about feeding his loneliness. If he’s prepared to contact you in a platonic way and you’re happy with that it’s probably okay. If not. Block hit.

Its a red flag if he is seeing someone else and contacting you.

“he was either lonely or just wanted the flirtation to make him feel better rather than initiate something again.” I think your thoughts are spot on here about his reasons for contacting you. You are meeting his needs for fulfilling what he wants from you at this time.

Also, he’s keeping his foot in the door as if to keep you open as an option for something to develop one day maybe.

The question is what do you want from him?

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate your thoughts. You’ve all solidified my suspicions.

To answer TishaBuv...the only reason I’m even questioning this is because I felt such a strong attraction to him that is very rare, the moment I met him it just felt really familiar and looks wise he was exactly my type! That just doesn’t happen. Hence why I’ve even entertained responding to him this long, even though I’m sure this puts me on the back foot in some ways. I suppose in all honesty I’m keeping the door open for him too as I’m not ready to date anyone right now until I get a couple of things in my professional and personal life sorted.
But thank you for questioning me as is helped to clarify my thoughts.

How happy are you about his ongoing contact?

How strong are your feelings for him now?

If you have strong feelings for him, and/or if you don't want his intermittent contact, then I agree with Cray Hitch that you might want to consider blocking him.

Hi Bill,

Well it’s 50/50 for me. He makes me happy when we talk but sometimes he can’t resist being very flirty and for me if he doesn’t want to pursue anything romantic then it has to remain just friendly so that my feelings don’t become any more confused. (I don’t mind a little friendly flirting but he goes a bit beyond sometimes, although he has limited it more now since he’s finally started to get the message. He also said it’s not just about flirting too so hopefully he’s being honest but you can never know 100%).

I genuinely cared for him so wanted to provide him with some support if he was lonely (just not at my expense which is why I’ve had to draw the line at just friendship). But I don’t think I’ll ever loose that attraction for him completely. Although I can accept that I want him to be happy even if that isn’t with me.

From a male perspective, what are your “honest” thoughts on his reasons for contacting me, Bill?

I think it might be helpful to distinguish between the fact that he contacts you in a friendly way and the fact that he flirts with you.

He might flirt with you because he thinks it is innocent fun and imagines that you do as well.

On the other hand, he might flirt to keep open the possibility of connecting more closely with you. This could mean that he is genuinely unsure about you versus the other woman, or it could mean that he is keeping you handy in case other options fall through.

Many guys will keep a woman handy if the woman doesn’t take steps to stop it.

He might just be lonely, but flirting isn’t needed if one is simply trying to address loneliness.

It is nice of you to help if he is in fact lonely, but I was glad to hear that you are taking care of your own feelings as well. As you know, a person with unreciprocated romantic feelings can be hurt while acting as a platonic friend or de facto therapist.

You mentioned holding the door open for him because you aren’t interested in dating right now. Must you put up with confusing flirting in order to do keep the door open?

I wonder too how much easier it might be to move ahead in your dating and regular life if the tantalizing prospect of him were not regularly floating before your eyes?

I’ve distanced myself from him when I felt he was overstepping what I was comfortable with, and he seems to have taken that on board now since I’m showing him I don’t want to accept it instead of just explaining. He has maintained more of a friendly interaction rather than flirty one since.

You’re right actually about being interested in others if he weren’t an option. I think if I didn’t see him as a potential option it would be much easier to focus on someone else when the time becomes right. Even though I still have some milder feelings for him now I’d still be prepared to go out and date others once I feel ready to (when things unrelated to him are sorted). I just haven’t felt that strongly about someone for a very long time which is why it’s beenn so hard to let go. I’m still not sure if it is right to let go or not in all honesty.

Your words have been extremely helpful though and given me some valuable food for thought.

I’ll also add that I believe in honesty and bringing things to a head. You found out he is seeing someone, but not from him. If you told him about your feelings and asked him about his, even telling him you heard he has someone else and asking him if that’s true, this situation will move forward or come to a close with truth and no games. Your emotions are drawn in with this.

I have already asked him what he wanted before after letting him know I liked him, and he’s just given me conflicting answers at differing times (hence my apprehension towards it all now).

I agree honesty is always best but I’m not sure about confronting him head on about it yet though as I found out through a friend suggestion on Facebook where the woman has him in her picture where they look very close like a couple (so it’s my presumption really but I believe it to be correct although no solid confirmation without him ever mentioning her).

I can understand the attraction part , been there done it and I left that door open “ in case”

But I thought about it and even if we did get back together he’s already proven he can’t be 100% faithful because he’s being a dog to her while being flirty with you.

You deserve someone who isn’t keeping his options open

Yes that’s true. But he has eased off on the flirting now so whether that’s because I’ve put that distance there or whether it’s because he’s become more serious with her, who knows for sure. I don’t know, maybe I’m trying to make excuses for him or maybe I’ve just become so used to this being the norm now.l. Either way it’s not ideal, I know. You’re right. How do I get rid of him completely if we have friends in common etc too though? It’s hard.

We also work in the same sort of profession so we’re bound to cross paths again at some point or another in the near future.

It’s going to be hard to stop the contact, especially if you have mutual friends and then career, but I think if you detach yourself a bit and literally picture his face with a big FRIEND ONLY stamped on his face anytime he comes to mind that subconsciously it will sink in more and more than he’s just not allowed space in your head.

If you stop speaking to him privately online then contact will be limited and perhaps easier to deal with.

Even if you cannot end all contact you can still end a lot of it.

I do try to limit it already as much as possible without being (what feels to me to be) outright rude. It’s hard to just ignore and block because he probably feels like he’s doing nothing wrong as he always starts off by asking me how I am and updating me on his life (the bits he wants me to know anyway). I ignore him if he becomes too flirty but hat hasn’t stopped him being just friendly. And so that’s what I’m currently dealing with, I’ve shown him we can only be friendly but I’m just hoping the feelings completely follow. I wish he were more horrible in all honesty as it’s be so much easier to dislike him then. But thank you for the advice all. 😊 I do appreciate you taking the time out of your days to respond.

Have you thought about asking him if he seeing someone else? You could explain that you aren't interested in him if he is dating someone else.

I agree with what you said.

I like Buffy's idea of simply asking him.

But beyond that (or in connection with that, depending on his response), limiting or ending the discussion does not have to be rude.

How would you feel about saying something along the lines of: "My feelings for you make it quite difficult for me to participate in a platonic friendship with you. For this reason, I feel that I must limit my contact with you. This will explain in advance why I will not generally be responding to social messages from you in the future. As always, I wish you well."