She has Borderline? 1yr relationship, she has very interesting background!

Hello,

Can you please give me your advice if my girlfriend has borderline or other mental problem ?

I stayed more then 1yr of relation (16 months) with my girlfriend. After just weeks of meeting her she already invites me to her house to live together, tells me that I am the greatest she had ever met etc. Fast in the beginning she did almost everything for me, but afetrwards she became more and more often distant/angry without any reason.

Short describtion of her (I thought it was very interesting as I discovered her background!)

- 32 yrs old and says never had long/stable relationship
- very shy, not confortable, very low self esteem even tho she looks good
- very submissive in bed, does everything sexually
- she did not had many ex boyfriends, she had “adventures” but also longer at max 1yr relationship (she dumped some of her ex boyfriends just like that, after she got upset for little things)

- she changes mood very quickly, she cries a lot, gets upset for little things and not talk a whole day (some days she’s very attached to me, some days she ignores me totally)

- she talks very little with her parents, brother, does not have many friends and does not talk much

- she dated even 3 guys in the same time for not serious relationships, not very faithful, sometimes she accepted to go to a men house after 10 min of talking (not directly for sex from first meeting, but to get intimate, kissing etc)

- sometimes she says she wants even children with me, other day when she gets angry she says she is not made for having a relationship, that she had enough of me and she prefers to be lonely

- she admits that for her in general a relation is good to have only if it is very intense, if not is better to be alone, and that she can leave even after 10yrs of relation if is not intense

As the time passed, her "cycles" of idealization/devaluation started to get worse and worse:

First months she was getting upset and crying only after a little fight we had; after a couple more of moths passed 1-2 weeks she was ok with me (but not as how she was in the beginning), 2-3 days she ignored me or she's mean without a real reason; the last months she's cycled as 2-3 days nice with me, 1-2 days getting upset, mad for nothing and not talking much.

So every week she was getting at least 1 time upset for NO real reason.

Her moods are changing more often too, each day when I go home I feel that I find a different person (either detached, either happy, either depressed, either normal, either nervous etc)

She also said she wants to break up with me several times, but afterwards, if she sees that we can definitely break up, she starts acting nice again

Finally she started more and more often her cycles of getting angry without reason and telling we should dump each other, I should leave etc

And so I packed and leaved for a few days, then she started acting very very nice that she desperately wants me back.

I came back, and in 1-2 weeks she started slowly again to be mean without reason, not talk etc

So I left again, this time forever I hope.

2 weeks had passed, I do talk with her, and she sends me messages all the time that she wants me to came back, that I am her greatest thing, she promise she will change etc etc

Basically I saw all the BPD relationship stages: intense idealization in the beginning, more and more frequent devaluation (not very intense, but distant from me, not talking, getting upset) as the time passed, afterwards even told me several times to dump each other, and when I really left an intense hoovering (promised everything that she can change etc)

She does not have very intense impulsivity (throwing objects etc), but she is often irritable, angry, very distant and does not talk, for no reason.

She has big fear of abandonment, often feeling of emptiness, concentration problems, big mood changes for now reason, periods feeling down, does not sleeps very well, gets very concerned for very little things.


What do you think? Do you think she has Borderline?

Thank you

In my opinion you have done the research and it’s pointing to BPD

Can a person with BPD have a healthy relationship? Sure but it take enormous amounts of work on that persons shoulder.

DBT is the standard type of therapy for BPD , most Therapist have groups that are 6-12-18 months long, weekly with lots of hard work.

My best friend has Bipolar like me and BPD, she got sick of feeling broken so she committed to DBT 12 months, she worked her self to the bone to change her reactions and thought process.

She’s got a handle on it now , does something pop up here and there? Yes, but she has coping skills to fall back on.

I’m not saying this woman is a lost cause, everyone deserves love no matter how messed up we can become ..... but if it were me I’d only agree to taking things slow and you seeing her work on herself, you can be supportive, but the hard work is on her end.

Honestly I think it would benefit you to see a Therapist to process how all this had effected you and to get advice from a professional about what needs to take place for the possibility of you two staying together.

Good luck

Careful of self diagnosing. Whilst you certainly may be right you may be wrong.

It’s in her interests to see a professional with her so she can explain her symptoms, get a diagnosis, and proper professional management from there.

Thank you.

I will convince her to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis.

However, she does not admit to have bpd nor the majority of symthomps.

How can a psy diagnose her if she does not admit almost nothing of her behavior?

She says that she was very attached to me all the time (does not really see how dramatic her mood changes and her way of being towards me changed often), she says that she does not have a big fear of abandonment (even tho she asked me almost daily reassurances that I don't leave or trying to find any slight reason all the time), she says she's not her fault that she did not had any stable relation till now (she was "unlucky") etc etc

How she can be diagnost in just 1h from a person that does not know her at all, while she will deny all the strange behaviors of her ? Even more, she seems more like a "high functioning quiet borderline" to me, her symptoms are not that clear to the majority of people, me I clearly saw that after some months of living with her.

She will see a psy, will not admit anything, he will say she has nothing, and so she will think nothing is wrong with her, and she will put even more blame on me for telling her "she has problems", and that "she needs to see a psy becaose I think she has bpd". Already she was constantly angry when I tried to open the discussion that she might have bpd...



Thank you for the answers.

But if she does not admit almost none of her symptoms ?

She admits being mean sometimes to me and "destroyed" our relation because of that, but she thinks more that she did "an error", not that she has in general a problem.

She does not admit not at all that she could have bpd, she finds an explication for everything (that she was "unlucky" in her previous relationships, that she always was very attached of me, she does not see that she has big emotional swings etc)

I think she will just go see a psy if I insist alot, but there she will not admit almost nothing, so he will not be able to diagnose her with bpd.

And so she will think she is perfect normal, and will put even more blame on me for telling her often that she might have a problem (bpd)...

if you're able to list out things like you did in such a way that bring up signs pointing to any kind of issues that could cause problems so quickly, idk relationships are difficult as heck in and of themselves, I personally would take this as a cue to not be involved with her but that's me.

Hi Dan,

I’ve read a few of your different posts about this relationship.

I’d also focus on her behaviors and less focus on if she has a PD. You must care very much about her since you are this concerned even after you have left. You wrote, “So I left again, this time forever I hope.”

I was in a long-term relationship with a woman with bpd. Way too much to go into, but a lot of what you write is familiar. The biggest problem for some people with bpd is openness to the diagnosis. My partner was never, ever open to a serious discussion about it. She is talented and on the most superficial level, gifted interpersonally. Unbelievably charming. Ridiculous IQ. Also quite externally attractive. These things are what allow her to get by in the world. She operates at a level of zero emotional depth. Lots of challenges in the relationship, not least her spectacular cheating and dishonesty. Things finally crumbled and that was that. We barely speak now.

I knew what I was getting into. And I did it anyway. I thought we could get her into DBT and get her some skills and she might improve. I loved her. But she did not want that. And if there is one thing you can take to the bank about bpd people who are not in recovery, at least based on my experience, it is this: they almost always win.

I do care about her, it's normal, I've spent more then 1 year with her.


But I am better without her and I don't see my future with her (I don't enjoy neither if it is to be as our last period, and I think it can get even worse; anyway, she is too unpredictable, I think she can just leave just like that with another in the future)

I did not completely forgot her, but is just more then 1 month since I last saw her. I became more and more detached and that is good...

She told me she saw a psychologue and a psychiatrist.

The psychologue is the type of woman to get friendly with her and to help her forget me. The psychologue told her after first session that she does not have bpd, but emotionally immaturity. She also tell to my ex gf that having bpd traits is something that plenty persons have...


The psychiatrist, after a consultation of 30 min, told her he cannot diagnose her with bpd because she should be "non functionnal" in daily life. But that she definitely has bpd traits.


She told her that I consider her a quiet high fonctionning bpd, and the psy told her she cannot diagnose her with this because it does not exist officialy.


Me I always considered her being a quiet high fonctionning bpd, so the psy is kinda right.


But in 30 min, while she does not admit many of symptoms and I am sure she does not want to be diagnosed with bpd, I am not at all surprised the psy did not diagnosed her with that.

The problem is that now she thinks absolutely is wrong with her. She tells me that she does not have nothing. And that I am wrong, I "manipulated" her into believing she has something she does not (bpd), she lost money because of me etc...

I am sorry you've had a bad experienced with Her, @DanM!! Unfortunately i can't tell you for sure whethe ror not she had BPD or not since I'm NOT a professional. My advice would be to continue with your own Life. You can only do so much to help Her after all. It is HER choice whether or not she wants to work on herself... so please, definitely focus on Yourself. You did what you've had to do and you've tried your Best. That's ALL you could do, really. If you feel like you're better off without her, then definitely continue your own Road and Journey in Life. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and HER, @DanM, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING YOU BOTH NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK? Hopefully she'll be able to acknowledge that she NEEDS to work on herself and she'll be able to better manage her Behavior and her Mood. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH OF YOU! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING YOU BOTH NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!!

I’d not diagnose online but she does sound like my husbands ex/my stepkids mother.

She continued harassing us years after their divorce and she made adult kids’ life he$$. They are estranged from her, that bad it is

She was officially diagnosed with BPD but she refused therapy. Even after hospitalizations in psych hospital (she had some other issues besides BPD but refused to take meds)

Personally I don’t care what disorders, if any, one has. If relationship is bad, it’s bad. And I am out. I’d maybe stick around close family members who are not well. But not someone I am just dating, especially if they don’t even help themselves. I am not obligated to date or marry people who don’t enhance my life

Obviously you are both still in communication. Are you just friends?

Why does her possible mental health condition matter to you? Why are you trying to prove it to her?

You were dating for a year and didn’t like her behavior, so you broke up. What are you thinking at this point? Are you hoping she’ll admit to a disorder, get help and change, and then you will get back together?

What does she want from you?

I spent more than ten years with a woman who clearly has bpd. I believe bpd exists on a spectrum, like bipolar disorder, for example. There are people who are "more" borderline than others, in my opinion. I personally don't think there's any question about this. Even a person who meets official DSM 5 criteria has phases or moments where they are much higher functioning. This is why it can be so very difficult to deal with them. Sometimes, they seem almost okay. It's tricky. Very sneaky.

It is also in my experience not at all uncommon for bpd people to deny their diagnosis and refuse all treatment. That's what happened with my former S.O. She liked the chaos. So, no more S.O. My problem is that we had a beautiful little girl together, so I cannot just have no contact with her, which would be my preference. She will always be in my life. Not good. But if it's what I have to do to see my daughter, then so be it.

Just based on my fairly lengthy experience trying to make it work, a relationship with a person with bpd doesn't get better. It never improves. It just keeps going on and on and on. With treatment and therapy, perhaps this can be very different. But I never got to find that out. My advice, for what it's worth, is to run, not walk, away from this person if they will not get help. Otherwise, I do believe this is going to be a path of endless heartache for you. Unfortunately. All the best.

Thank you for all the messages!



She does text me from time to time.

She definitely wants me to come back to her, she seems like trying everything to convince me.

Me, as I don't see a future with her, I want to forget her and move along with my life.
But after more then 1 year spent together, it is normal that I am attached.

I want her to get better mostly for her. But if she always sees herself as a victim, that does not have nothing, of course it is very difficult to improve.

I am also a little shocked by the situation, how come she cannot see the problems... also a little shocked regarding her psychologue... it's like the psy is only trying to make her feel better now, without trying to help her become aware of the problems and actually improve...

Good for you for not getting sucked back in to the same relationship!

You can tell her you really had feelings for her, but she was exhausting with her mood swings and behavior. Maybe in time the therapist will be of great help and she will be relationship material. She’s lucky to have you as a caring friend!

Stop trying to diagnose her. It doesn't matter what's wrong. You left, right? Stop talking to her or you will be continually involved in her drama and moods.

If you want to stop feeling attached, block her and move on with your life.

^^^