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simplex
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Default Oct 02, 2019 at 10:12 AM
  #1
Today I feel stuck in my life. I'm doubting myself and feeling selfish for writing this but it's how I feel. I'm so tired of being quiet.

My therapist and I have homework that involves me looking at myself, thoughts, and feelings, and determining whether they are my authentic self or not. I have a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that I thought was in my past. A situation arose in our marriage that she initiated that led me to believe it wasn't in the past so I sought out therapy to resolve it, for me, but also so I could be a better husband. In this analyzation of myself from a healthier place (history of addictions but sober now) I have realized I have had some selfishness to me. It manifests in withdrawing myself and trying to communicate through lack of action or seeming like something's wrong to have someone ask.

Lots of times though, especially lately, I just want to talk and laugh and have fun. This process has shown me I'm too uptight. Something I always suspected but could never change. Also product of alcoholic father and depressed mother but, it's (counseling and sober living) shown me that I can lighten up. That I'm not simply those labels, and that, was living roles I allowed to be assigned to me.

I just want to laugh now and find more joy. That leads me to this post, in that I'm trying to work on myself to be a better man but I am feeling like, my wife thinks I was trying to fool her on who I was when we met. I was honest, I said I had a past that was behind me (was sober when we met). But it's like, I get the feeling that I'm not good enough. I don't feel loved and haven't for a while. I get the nagging feeling that my wife loves who she thinks I can be but secretely has contempt for what she thinks I am. That is a feeling though it may not be accurate. I am an overthinker.

I think part of this involves talking to other people that are close to me like my wife to sort of, just say this is how I'm feeling. Like a way to check my thoughts. She says regularly if there's anything you want to talk about don't hesitate to bring it up. So I did last night and she paused her TV show to listen. It was stuff about my childhood, like finding drawings and stuff and what I think they mean to me. It just didn't seem like she was interested. Eventually there was not really much communication and she was like I don't feel like talking. Only to continue watching the show. Where I guess I was just supposed to be quiet and sit there.

Talking and communicating I'm starting to realize is a problem for us. We had gotten into a very surface level routine and communication. I think both of us didn't want to "rock the boat." This has been an issue, to a degree, since we met sadly.

I never feel recipricated in my communication. Often the responses I get for whatever I'm saying is something like "Well that's because of this." Or "Well you should/could have just done this." I also don't feel appreciated for things I contribute to our marriage. Even little things like jokes I make. I feel like they're judged. If I bring this up my wife gets defensive and seems to turn it around like I'm attacking her. I try to say it like, I feel _____ when this happens. But it always gets into a heated argument where she repeats something I didn't say. Like she hears something I said but didn't say and then goes off of that.... It confuses me and makes me not want to talk at all. An example is I say I feel X. She says, why do you think X, Y, and Z, and gets kinda defensive. I'm like, I didn't say X, Y, Z.... like I feel crazy sometimes.

On top of that I am trying to make habbit changes to addictions (smoking cigs) that my wife is pressing me on. I told her that it is giving me anxiety and that yes I want to be pushed, but I'm putting in a lot of work on myself for us. And I don't see that from her!

Like, last night I got home from work, (wife gets home 1.5 hours or so after). Took care of our animals. I did the dishes, did a load of laundry, made the bed and straightened up. We had planned a dinner that was just basically a 15 minute affair. But wife got home wanted to shower and then told me to start dinner. Didn't even notice the things that I had already done. In fact, I noticed that she came in and the first 5 things she said to me where critical. Like there's no affection coming in it's just very rigid and schedule based.

On top of it all she recently indicated that she had met a girlfriend online, but also that she believed she had intimate feelings for her. Which they had discussed without my knowledge. I obviously got upset about it and it was a huge issue for us. For me too because it has brought up what I consider to be an extreme fear of abandonment. But then, it got to the point where she was pressing me to still have a platonic relationship with this woman. For weeks after saying no I wasn't comfortable it continued until finally I gave in. I said well talk then. I am tired of stressing about it. I am not going to give my full approval.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am not appreciated, respected, or thought about. I have problems asserting myself and I feel like I'm being walked over. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do if I feel like I can't communicate with who is supposed to be my life partner.
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Default Oct 02, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  #2
Hey @simplex: before I respond any further I wondered if you could share a little about your addiction? Like what was it, your times getting sober and how it affected your marriage. Just for context though if you are uncomfortable thats ok too.

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Default Oct 02, 2019 at 01:15 PM
  #3
Hey Sarah,

Thanks for responding.

My main addiction was alcohol. I got sober at 25, for about 2 years then relapsed. Then went back to rehab at 30. Have been sober ever since (4+ years now). I actually met my wife after being sober this time. She has never experienced the alcohol addiction. The only thing left is cigarettes. But she smokes also so we are trying to both quit.
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Smile Oct 02, 2019 at 03:00 PM
  #4
Thanks for sharing your situation. At the risk of suggesting the obvious, what occurs to me is that what may be called for here is couples counseling. My wife & I are aging now. But communication has always been challenging for us as well. In our case, though, it has been at least as much my fault as it has hers. (We're two of a kind.)

Neither my wife nor I were ever the type of people to seek counseling or therapy. (My mental health concerns have softened me a bit on this, but still..) So we've simply toughed it out. The problem with the kind of concerns you describe in your post (from my perspective at least) is that they don't fade away over time. You either just live with them as we have (not recommended), you meet them head-on, or at some point they destroy your marriage.

Here are links to 5 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of when to seek marriage counseling plus 1 on how to talk to someone who always gets defensive:

7 Reasons to Seek Marriage Counseling

Top 10 Underpublicized Reasons to Seek Couples Counseling

Thinking About Getting Marriage Counseling?

Common Reasons for Relationship Counseling | Anger Management

Answer These 5 Questions Before Heading to Couples Counseling

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17


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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 05:14 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by simplex View Post
Today I feel stuck in my life. I'm doubting myself and feeling selfish for writing this but it's how I feel. I'm so tired of being quiet.

My therapist and I have homework that involves me looking at myself, thoughts, and feelings, and determining whether they are my authentic self or not. I have a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that I thought was in my past. I have realized I have had some selfishness to me. It manifests in withdrawing myself and trying to communicate through lack of action or seeming like something's wrong to have someone ask.

But it's like, I get the feeling that I'm not good enough. I don't feel loved and haven't for a while. I get the nagging feeling that my wife loves who she thinks I can be but secretely has contempt for what she thinks I am. That is a feeling though it may not be accurate. I am an overthinker.

I never feel recipricated in my communication. Even little things like jokes I make. I feel like they're judged. If I bring this up my wife gets defensive and seems to turn it around like I'm attacking her. I try to say it like, I feel _____ when this happens. But it always gets into a heated argument where she repeats something I didn't say. Like she hears something I said but didn't say and then goes off of that....

On top of it all she recently indicated that she had met a girlfriend online, but also that she believed she had intimate feelings for her. Which they had discussed without my knowledge. I obviously got upset about it and it was a huge issue for us. But then, it got to the point where she was pressing me to still have a platonic relationship with this woman. For weeks after saying no I wasn't comfortable it continued until finally I gave in. I said well talk then. I am tired of stressing about it. I am not going to give my full approval.
Good for you going to therapy and making changes for the better! Through therapy, reading PC posts and posting on PC--I also realized that I have some selfishness in me and having realized it--am trying to change it. We are growing into better people when we do this!!!

Given that your wife has told you she has intimate feelings for the gf--I think your nagging feeling about your wife probably has some truth. I think it is awful that she told you. My POV is that when we are married, our partners come first. It can be a challenge to do this but we have to try and saying you have deeper feelings for someone else is the opposite of what we need to do. For the sake of your marriage, I think she should have never told you and realize that she should see that friend less. So I think your feelings about not feeling loved are spot on. Not that that can't be turned around--it can!

I am sorry about the state of your marriage. My marriage has gone through both good and bad times. You need to tell her how you feel--given what you have said here--it will probably make her defensive and upset but she needs to hear it and if you do not want to have a relationship with the gf that your wife has feelings for--DON'T. Respect yourself by honoring your feelings and have boundaries about things that matter and enforce them. If you do this, either your wife will respect you more or want to leave. So be it! If you have to take crap from her then do you really want to be married?

Stay strong!
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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 05:58 PM
  #6
Skee,

Thanks for the links they will be helpful for me. It goes in waves and I find when I worry less and do my part and communicate it's helpful.

Maybe will need to do marriage counseling. On one hand I think it's overblown but on the other I think it bothers me and I'm in some denial. I tend to have a problem with boundaries. Setting and then enforcing them. The situation is unresolved really but she hasn't mentioned it again. Anyway thanks for your perspective. It will be interesting to see what happens. I just wish we could move on.

Tuned,

Thanks for the response and the good perspective.
I'm trying to just work through it as I also am trying to process childhood stuff and we are now pregnant about 6 weeks. It's very exciting but makes me nervous. I plan to give it my best and keep doing therapy. It's nice having this support. Thanks for sharing your experience
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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 06:36 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by simplex View Post
I'm trying to just work through it as I also am trying to process childhood stuff and we are now pregnant about 6 weeks. It's very exciting but makes me nervous. I plan to give it my best and keep doing therapy. It's nice having this support. Thanks for sharing your experience
So glad you are figuring some of it out before becoming a father!!
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Default Nov 01, 2019 at 12:31 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by simplex View Post
Skee,

Thanks for the links they will be helpful for me. It goes in waves and I find when I worry less and do my part and communicate it's helpful.

Maybe will need to do marriage counseling. On one hand I think it's overblown but on the other I think it bothers me and I'm in some denial. I tend to have a problem with boundaries. Setting and then enforcing them. The situation is unresolved really but she hasn't mentioned it again. Anyway thanks for your perspective. It will be interesting to see what happens. I just wish we could move on.

Tuned,

Thanks for the response and the good perspective.
I'm trying to just work through it as I also am trying to process childhood stuff and we are now pregnant about 6 weeks. It's very exciting but makes me nervous. I plan to give it my best and keep doing therapy. It's nice having this support. Thanks for sharing your experience
You are doing a great job. Sounds like you are very aware of your feelings and your interpretation of the situations you are in. It also sounds like you have multiple issues swirling around. You have childhood issues, addictive personality issues, and they culminate in your marital issues. Good for you raising red flags about the whole girlfriend thing. Very strange to me. It does sound like your wife may be struggling with unmet unrealistic expectations of you. I feel for you. It also sounds like you guys are provoking eachothers' insecurities when you try to communicate. She does something you don't like, you retreat into unhealthy "hinting" or soft boundary setting, which may provoke her into her feelings of frustration over her expectations of you. Then the cycle continues. Try looking up "Karpman Drama Triangle" and see if you can't check your role in each moment, then adjust your role to the more positive version. Hope for the best, never give up! You are a great man!
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Default Nov 12, 2019 at 01:14 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by simplex View Post
Today I feel stuck in my life. I'm doubting myself and feeling selfish for writing this but it's how I feel. I'm so tired of being quiet.

My therapist and I have homework that involves me looking at myself, thoughts, and feelings, and determining whether they are my authentic self or not. I have a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that I thought was in my past. A situation arose in our marriage that she initiated that led me to believe it wasn't in the past so I sought out therapy to resolve it, for me, but also so I could be a better husband. In this analyzation of myself from a healthier place (history of addictions but sober now) I have realized I have had some selfishness to me. It manifests in withdrawing myself and trying to communicate through lack of action or seeming like something's wrong to have someone ask.

Lots of times though, especially lately, I just want to talk and laugh and have fun. This process has shown me I'm too uptight. Something I always suspected but could never change. Also product of alcoholic father and depressed mother but, it's (counseling and sober living) shown me that I can lighten up. That I'm not simply those labels, and that, was living roles I allowed to be assigned to me.

I just want to laugh now and find more joy. That leads me to this post, in that I'm trying to work on myself to be a better man but I am feeling like, my wife thinks I was trying to fool her on who I was when we met. I was honest, I said I had a past that was behind me (was sober when we met). But it's like, I get the feeling that I'm not good enough. I don't feel loved and haven't for a while. I get the nagging feeling that my wife loves who she thinks I can be but secretely has contempt for what she thinks I am. That is a feeling though it may not be accurate. I am an overthinker.

I think part of this involves talking to other people that are close to me like my wife to sort of, just say this is how I'm feeling. Like a way to check my thoughts. She says regularly if there's anything you want to talk about don't hesitate to bring it up. So I did last night and she paused her TV show to listen. It was stuff about my childhood, like finding drawings and stuff and what I think they mean to me. It just didn't seem like she was interested. Eventually there was not really much communication and she was like I don't feel like talking. Only to continue watching the show. Where I guess I was just supposed to be quiet and sit there.

Talking and communicating I'm starting to realize is a problem for us. We had gotten into a very surface level routine and communication. I think both of us didn't want to "rock the boat." This has been an issue, to a degree, since we met sadly.

I never feel recipricated in my communication. Often the responses I get for whatever I'm saying is something like "Well that's because of this." Or "Well you should/could have just done this." I also don't feel appreciated for things I contribute to our marriage. Even little things like jokes I make. I feel like they're judged. If I bring this up my wife gets defensive and seems to turn it around like I'm attacking her. I try to say it like, I feel _____ when this happens. But it always gets into a heated argument where she repeats something I didn't say. Like she hears something I said but didn't say and then goes off of that.... It confuses me and makes me not want to talk at all. An example is I say I feel X. She says, why do you think X, Y, and Z, and gets kinda defensive. I'm like, I didn't say X, Y, Z.... like I feel crazy sometimes.

On top of that I am trying to make habbit changes to addictions (smoking cigs) that my wife is pressing me on. I told her that it is giving me anxiety and that yes I want to be pushed, but I'm putting in a lot of work on myself for us. And I don't see that from her!

Like, last night I got home from work, (wife gets home 1.5 hours or so after). Took care of our animals. I did the dishes, did a load of laundry, made the bed and straightened up. We had planned a dinner that was just basically a 15 minute affair. But wife got home wanted to shower and then told me to start dinner. Didn't even notice the things that I had already done. In fact, I noticed that she came in and the first 5 things she said to me where critical. Like there's no affection coming in it's just very rigid and schedule based.

On top of it all she recently indicated that she had met a girlfriend online, but also that she believed she had intimate feelings for her. Which they had discussed without my knowledge. I obviously got upset about it and it was a huge issue for us. For me too because it has brought up what I consider to be an extreme fear of abandonment. But then, it got to the point where she was pressing me to still have a platonic relationship with this woman. For weeks after saying no I wasn't comfortable it continued until finally I gave in. I said well talk then. I am tired of stressing about it. I am not going to give my full approval.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am not appreciated, respected, or thought about. I have problems asserting myself and I feel like I'm being walked over. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do if I feel like I can't communicate with who is supposed to be my life partner.
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now.
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Default Nov 15, 2019 at 09:04 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
You are doing a great job. Sounds like you are very aware of your feelings and your interpretation of the situations you are in. It also sounds like you have multiple issues swirling around. You have childhood issues, addictive personality issues, and they culminate in your marital issues. Good for you raising red flags about the whole girlfriend thing. Very strange to me. It does sound like your wife may be struggling with unmet unrealistic expectations of you. I feel for you. It also sounds like you guys are provoking eachothers' insecurities when you try to communicate. She does something you don't like, you retreat into unhealthy "hinting" or soft boundary setting, which may provoke her into her feelings of frustration over her expectations of you. Then the cycle continues. Try looking up "Karpman Drama Triangle" and see if you can't check your role in each moment, then adjust your role to the more positive version. Hope for the best, never give up! You are a great man!

Wow! This is about spot on it seems to me and thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that so badly today.

As for the cycle, that seems also to be somewhat accurate. Will look up Karpman Drama Triangle.
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Default Nov 15, 2019 at 12:46 PM
  #11
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Today I feel stuck in my life. I'm doubting myself and feeling selfish for writing this but it's how I feel. I'm so tired of being quiet.
From what you have shared, and I checked out your about me too, your main problem is with understanding relationships and companionship. You have it correct too in recognizing this stems from your childhood too. A child that experiences dysfunctional parents as you have described, can really struggle with knowing how to feel "safe" when it comes to experiencing relationships, what healthy relationships are, and even what it means to experience and engage in developing the ability to experience "companionship" that is healthy, something most human beings desire.

It's important you don't "self" diagnose yourself just because you came across information about a disorder that you can relate to experiencing some of the symptoms described.

When it comes to growing up with a parent who is an alcoholic, and has other problems that are unhealthy for a child to grow up around, a child doesn't get the right nurturing and they really miss out on what it means to experience healthy companionship. Unfortunately, when it comes to alcohol, a person doesn't really mature in a lot of ways and the real relationship they end up having is their relationship with the alcohol and using that as a crutch to function without dealing with emotions. Also, alcoholics don't really learn how to "feel good" naturally, but instead get so they rely on the alcohol to do that "for" them. Also, if there is trauma within an individual, they begin to use the alcohol to "escape" from the affects trauma has on them too.

What I have learned just in the last few years is that many alcoholics actually struggle with ptsd and used the alcohol as a way to escape unknowingly. So often when a person gets sober, its even harder to stay sober because NOW they have to deal with "trauma related symptoms" they kept trying to escape from by using the alcohol.

You should not only go to AA meetings, but also Alanon meetings as well as those are meetings that are designed to validate and help individuals that have suffered due to being exposed to a parent or partner that struggles with alcohol/addiction problems.

Quote:
So I did last night and she paused her TV show to listen. It was stuff about my childhood, like finding drawings and stuff and what I think they mean to me. It just didn't seem like she was interested. Eventually there was not really much communication and she was like I don't feel like talking. Only to continue watching the show. Where I guess I was just supposed to be quiet and sit there.
What you experienced in your effort to sit an talk was a person who did not and doesn't KNOW how to listen to you the way you need to experience. I can relate to experiencing this myself and when this happens where you end up getting tuned out there is a feeling it's your fault somehow for trying to explain or share. I see a lot of that taking place with what different members share on this site.

Quote:
n but I am feeling like, my wife thinks I was trying to fool her on who I was when we met. I was honest, I said I had a past that was behind me (was sober when we met). But it's like, I get the feeling that I'm not good enough. I don't feel loved and haven't for a while
Your wife most likely was more interested in what you could provide for her. Often, this is what a lot of people look for in what about the other person works for them in what THEY want and sadly so many people don't really know what their partner needs and wants. A lot of people never learn how to sit and "listen", often if what is shared doesn't do something for them, they stop listening and tune it out. Truth is, a lot of times a person picks the wrong partner and ends up with a presence that is more like the unhealthy presence they grew up with. Often without realizing it a person may think it's ok, normal, even familiar and that stems from "it's what they know". Also, along with this is a desire to "fix" what was not right about how we failed to get what we needed from the unhealthy parent/parents. "Maybe if I do things THIS way it will fix what I failed to do in the past with dad/mom etc.

I would like to clear something up with you. Are you a male with a woman as a wife, or are you female married to another woman? I am confused about that as in this thread you used the term "husband" to describe yourself, to me that means male.
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Default Nov 15, 2019 at 01:12 PM
  #12
Pregnant with relationship problems-you have your hands full. Definitely get counseling. I took it that you are male. It is a huge red flag that she says she has lesbian feelings for someone she hasn’t even met. And to tell you about that is pretty much telling you herself that your feelings aren’t that important . Why would she share something so outrageous? Why did she say she was telling you that.

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