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Seahound
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 10:32 AM
  #1
I'll try and be as succinct as possible.

I have been with my wife for 25 years. We met in college and have two wonderful kids now 10 and 6. I believe we are doing a good job with them.

I'm in long term therapy, this time trying to change into the person I am meant to be. I am not content living in the mediocre ( at best) or the chaos (worst). I have always been made to feel I am responsible for others happiness or the lack of. I know that's not true now, but I am a work in progress

In relationships, when one grows tremendously, and the other either refuses or is heavily resistant, how do you maintain balance? I know I have to stay in my lane and focus on me and my growth, but it damn hard sometimes.

When I first went back to therapy, I was going out of a negative place. "If my partner steps up and becomes an equal partner, I'll be fine and won't want to walk away." She has gone in periodically by herself ( and stopped going because "it doesn't work on me") and only came back after she got the last cry for help from me to try and save the marriage. While some behaviors have changed, I find myself wanting more. I refuse to settle for mediocre any longer.

Now, I have my own issues and I will not pretend I do not. I am certain I am not in love with her . There are two things holding me back right now as far as ending the marriage 1) we cannot afford two households at this moment 2) she is so fragile emotionally I do not think even if I figured out a way to maintain 2 households, she will not go full vengeance.

Optimally, it would be all wonderful if we could fall back in love on a genuine level but there are other issues with me on that too ( she is not visually appealing to me anymore but that's an unmentionable of course) . I also have insecure attachment which I'm trying to change.

I feel at this time, if she would do some work, she would come to the same conclusion that while we are two good parents, we are better off not being together. Co-parenting as two respectful adults with the maturity to make wise decisions as far as our individual selves and raising our kids how we want to raise them.

So, has anyone found themselves in a **cked position like this? Knowing it's pretty much dead with slim to no chance of revival , and not solvent enough to leave because you feel you're ready emotionally?
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 11:58 AM
  #2
I Completely understand where are you are coming from. Although my marriage of 5 yrs is still going on strong, we’ve had our heavy ups and downs. He has his 10-year-old and I have my 9-year-old both from a past relationship. together we have a 2-year-old and a 9-month-old. So managing that many children can put a lot of stress on our marriage. He’s a very hard-working man and I am a stay at home mom but I also work very hard from home to maintain our household.

I feel that he takes me for granted and I do feel neglected at times. We have gone to couples therapy which ended up being more like my individual therapy. In the beginning of our marriage I feel that I came up a lot of myself but now I want to go back to my center. But I do worry that if I changed too rapidly dad it would affect our relationship.

I think that if we just became more open and honest with each other things would be so much better and with our relationship would run so much smoother. Because of his demanding work schedule I find it difficult to find opportunities for us to sit down and talk to each other openly.

Wish you the best on your journey and I always hope for the success in all marriages because the ones who ultimately suffer the most are the children unfortunately.
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 12:49 PM
  #3
The balancing act for me is still going to couples counseling while knowing I'm one foot out the door. I've tried the things that are supposed to make us more connected and it's not working. I can't force myself to love someone like that. I'm trying to focus on being kind and just enjoy being around her. She's not a terrible person and is a good mom. I simply believe we have run our course. This is why it's hard.

I know that whatever happens , I have given it my best shot to change and see the change in the relationship.
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 07:02 PM
  #4
Wow. Reading all this above reminds me all over again how hard marriage/long-term partnerships are. I am sorry for everyone who is struggling. I have been there. That said, @Seahound, it really sounds like you have come to a decision. You're just having difficulty figuring out how to communicate that to your wife. I wonder what you therapist says about you sitting your wife down and telling her you're leaving. Have you had that conversation?

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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 07:36 PM
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If you want to answer, what is refusing to settle for mediocre, what is if she becomes equal in this, and what is it exactly that you feel she needs to be for you to have a successful marriage? I'm asking because usually we only get to see one side of the relationship. So if you could put yourself in her shoes, somehow, and ask yourself what it is that is lacking in her.... besides the physical attraction, what changes are you looking for?

Otherwise, I'd agree if you've made your decision and you are not in love with her, then go ahead and leave her. It's best for her as well, other than the other option of her being expected to change who she is.
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 11:18 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by 2daffodils View Post
If you want to answer, what is refusing to settle for mediocre, what is if she becomes equal in this, and what is it exactly that you feel she needs to be for you to have a successful marriage? I'm asking because usually we only get to see one side of the relationship. So if you could put yourself in her shoes, somehow, and ask yourself what it is that is lacking in her.... besides the physical attraction, what changes are you looking for?

Otherwise, I'd agree if you've made your decision and you are not in love with her, then go ahead and leave her. It's best for her as well, other than the other option of her being expected to change who she is.
IMO, she has always looked at it as I need to do the work to change and she is fine. She is very resistant to resolving her personal issues and the long standing divide we have. I'm equally culpable as far as the failings of the relationship. I know she has sacrificed her happiness to be with me related to her baggage. My issues have resulted in my sacrifice of happiness taking on the caretaker for all things. She has changed some behaviors but only in counseling have I been able to coax out issues she never has brought up.

I'm understanding how our living unconscious has never resulted in better. I'm growing tremendously and she is not growing much at all. She's fearful and I understand that. She would rather have things stay in the same unfulfilling place versus starting over.

She is not a bad person. If I go nuclear , the only thing that will come out of it is vengeance . I wish she could look objectively and reach the same conclusion as I have. We're good parents, but we cannot overcome the changes ( or lack thereof) in the relationship. There is zero chance she could sit our kids down with me and calmly and positively explain to our kids. Mom's tears = dad is mean and I'm sure she planted that idea in them.

From a recent " talk" : (paraphrasing) Part of me hopes we do split up and you become so miserable that you realize what a good thing you had and let it go.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 03:13 AM
  #7
Wow, I'm amazed too with how far you have come in therapy. You even get the unconscious living part on her behalf and have tried to help her resolve her personal issues and baggage. Yup, that's kind of a tactic is how I'd put it, Moms tears equals dad is being mean.. and saying what a good thing you had if you let me go....
I'm sorry you are going through this because it sounds like you honestly are doing your best, even admitting your part of the failing relationship. All I can say is I wish you the best with your decisions, and I also hope your wife can deal with things and possibly a change happens. Whatever happens, stay safe and keep up the good work for yourself in therapy. Thanks for explaining.. I'm dealing with some things myself and it puts my part in perspective.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 03:52 AM
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If you do not love your wife anymore and do not think you could then you should consider separating. No sense in keeping each other from finding happiness.

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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 12:53 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
If you do not love your wife anymore and do not think you could then you should consider separating. No sense in keeping each other from finding happiness.
That is an easy solution, however, some things have to happen before our two incomes could accommodate this. We are now stuck in an area with no support network, partly because the family we moved to be near, has moved, and partially our unconscious action to isolate. This makes it harder because then both parties are trapped where they do not want to be.

She is extremely fragile right now. My therapist did tell me the other day , very often the party being let go seeks justice and not amicable parting. I ring that bell, and I do not trust she will not go full vengeance. This also pairs with the observation when one person grows and the other fails to or refuses to grow, it's inevitable it will end.

Here is how I see options, ranked in desired outcome: I see it as a very low probability things radically change and I fall in love with the new her.

1) she " gets " it and we amicably separate and co-parent in a respectful manner. From this, our future plans (moving, returning to school for both of us, etc) can be mediated
2) We move back to where we came from. We at least have a large network of support and then go our separate ways at some point with a therapist
3) We separate, both significantly taking a hit to our lifestyles, further trapping us where we don't want to be , with nothing but contention about future prospects of a better income and a better life for our kids.

If we were in a position to separate financially, I would have already done so.
This is where I'm trapped and it sucks.

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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 02:14 PM
  #10
Breaking up definitely IS hard to do. A lot of people stay together for financial reasons and also for the children as they don't want their breakup to cause harm to the children who are simply not old enough to understand it and they definitely will be affected if their mother falls apart from the breakup or takes a vengeful stance.

How old are you and your wife?
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 02:36 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Breaking up definitely IS hard to do. A lot of people stay together for financial reasons and also for the children as they don't want their breakup to cause harm to the children who are simply not old enough to understand it and they definitely will be affected if their mother falls apart from the breakup or takes a vengeful stance.

How old are you and your wife?
I'm 44, she's 46.

I grew up in a home with chaos ( and they are still together but really should not be). I do not want my kids to grow up in a home that is either chaos or one where they can see their parents don't show love and affection to each other.

I realize this will hurt them. Like I said, I would have already started the process if we could afford it. I shift between stabilizing it so I could leave while not coming to my "home" for who knows for how long, and getting out as fast as I can.

To give some insight, to her, Divorce is not even an option.
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