Just trying to fix things....

So warning this will be a looooong one....

Nick and I dated for about 6 months. I'm pregnant with his baby after multiple condoms broke and i took the day after pill. He's stressed out, I'm stressed out and off my medications (focalin, restaril, latuda, Ativan) we never argued as we always worked things out through communication through all this. We were just past that honeymoon stage and just starting to fall into figuring out what's next and growing the relationship. I lived with him but my time was split between my old farm (where i stay when i get scheduled for shifts for work now and then) but the majority of my time was spent with him at his house.

Next a bit of background is Nick drinks, he used to drink... Heavily. But I some with him about it and he has scaled back, a lot. He's a very anxious and easily stressed person. After finding out about the baby he decided to start therapy as everything was becoming too much. He works endlessly and half his check goes to child support for his 4 kids (3 boys one girl) from his ex wife and a really hard to believe situation that i had a hard time believing at first. But i digress. Money is always tight and that really bothers him. He's unappreciated at work, and has a long history of picking really psychologiclly struggling women (all of which cheated on him and left him in various traumatic ways). I'm actually pretty mild compared to the list. (They had Untreated schizophrenia, bi polar and other issues). I have a mood disorder, ADD, depression, anxiety and my psychiatrist and I have been discussing BPD but he says I don't have the classic symptoms but i have a lot of them. All of which i was medicated for, until getting pregnant. Now him and his dr have been working on his diagnosis but most of all his abandonment issues. losing his kids affects him deeply and affects him always. They were lost because not only were his exs lying vindictive females but his mom is a piece of work too and they won't allow contact despite a court saying otherwise as he poses no threat to them and is a good father and raised his boys for years mostly on his own because his ex wife didn't help at all.

So that's a little of our history.

So Im not observant but i could tell something was off between us. One night while turning on his alarms for work (he forgot) someone named "Kelly" (is what we will call her) texted him. I looked back and they met on tinder and had been talking for about a week. So I asked him about it and he was upfront about it, didn't exactly hide it or anything and didn't realize tinder was a dating/hook up app (he can be simple sometimes lol) we talked about him and her, I was ok with it as long as he kept me reprised of what was going on. Id done the same with my ex as my ex and I split mutually after 15 years of on and off. If i was meeting Brian, my ex, I told him. If anything went down, i told him. (Like the time he got in a motorcycle accident and was torn up pretty bad I went to his house to help him.) No matter what I told him everything, he never had to ask. My ex was verbally abusive and the last straw he put hands on me and I on him (in self defense I left him with two black eyes, a broken rib). Brian and I are great friends... Terrible terrible in a relationship, not sure what it is but we turn toxic and fast. So there are no feelings there for me at all.

Anyways a week later he hadn't really said much but they had been talking about meeting in person. Well it seemed like all of a sudden he had picked up a driving shift and would be heard right by her. (In retrospect, this happened a lot his work always springs stuff on him and does not plan things out... Ever) However I thought this was sure weird given the timing with Kelly. So I did what I shouldn't of done, I looked through his phone. What I seen was heart breaking. He did plan on meeting with her that Saturday. I read through and noticed he'd been texting her...a LOT. He didn't flirt and did maintain telling her he was just interested in being friends. However she flirted a lot and the thing that had me seeing red was.... He never once mentioned he had a girlfriend.

It set me over the edge, i fumed all night. Didn't sleep. When he woke up that morning (Saturday). I tried to hold it in. But he knew something was wrong. I fought with it for hours. As i knew driving trips were stressful for him and i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But he kept asking what was wrong... So i asked him what his plans were... Hoping he would just tell me and i could relax... He said work. So i was direct. "Are you meeting Kelly today" he said yes.

And that was the last thing I said,"well you need to choose, her...or me." And i left the bedroom to lay on the couch. Eventually he came down and started rearranging his closet and put my clothes in as I had brought that up as a thing that bothered me (living there but no where for my clothes, no place carved out as mine) I was destroyed emotionally. He kept trying to talk about the farm and future plans as we were planning on moving out there as soon as we could get a reliable car for him to commute. I was shut down, no one ever chose me over another so I was just blank with grief. I don't remember all of it (this is how i can usually identify my mood "spikes") but i said things like "why does it matter I'm leaving Monday anyways" and hurtful things like that. Not direct attacks but still hurtful. (Monday Was not my usual leaving day, i had to leave weds for work). He didn't kiss me good by, he always kissed me. Through the day I cried and stressed and generally emotionally abused myself. I texted him but received nothing.

That night he came back really upset. We argued. Through all that unbeknownst to me he didn't remember our talks about Kelly and keeping me updated. We argued now as I couldn't stop trying to defend myself. Then the next day we argued again. Then Monday we argued some more. Tuesday, his usual therapy day, his dr called in sick. Id put a lot into that day cause I wanted to get that resolved a little at least before I left weds for work. At this point he hadn't kissed even once, barely would hug me and was pretty shut down. I had a really hard time leaving for work after what Id said, I didn't want to leave as he was really sensitive about it and me saying i was going to leave, broke him. I had my dirty laundry in bags by the couch just incase he finally just told me to get out. He took that as I was moving out. So we argued about it again when i got back.

I was scared of losing him so I apologised... Like took a whole 2 days to write it up and get it right. We argued that night too. He still held it against me that he couldn't give me another chance because he gave all his exs multiple chances and they all ended the same... With him hurt. I maintained I was different. We continued to argue and finally this week he admitted he had played a part and we were both to blame. He kissed me that night once but not again. He also shifted a little from ' you are just like my exs to i just don't want the cycle to keep going and i get hurt again' That Sunday he met with Kelly. He asked me to leave, For awhile. Most painful thing I've ever done. He didn't text me even once in the 4hrs. Even though he had never ignored a single text from her (that i know of).

So he comes back and tells me he told her about me. But he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend... He said i was a friend who stayed at his house from time to time. Well insert new tail spin. When he got home though he was unusually riled up over something his daughter's mom was doing. So i tried to bite my tongue. But a few misplaced questions and next thing I know we are fighting again. This time he tells me we are just friends and that he doesn't see this going anywhere, that he kissed Kelly because at least she didn't threaten to leave him and I destroyed his trust. Of course i begged for a second chance to show him.

Tuesday came again and this time he cancelled therapy in favor of another dr appt he forgot about to get fixed(vasectomy). Though i did remind him to reschedule... I felt like he was trying to plan ahead for a time without me. We argued really bad this night.

It felt so unfair, he was holding the deeds of his exs against me. Again I had to work and returned to his house the next day. This time I was a little better prepared after doing some reading. We had a civilized talk and started figuring things out. I slept on the couch since we were not together. His hugs became frequent and sincere. And that brings us to yesterday. I had appts so i went to those then came back with the intent of going to the farm for the weekend cause he had plans for Sunday with her. (Dr put me on one of my mood stabilizers.) He said he didn't really want me to go. I said I really should, i need to get out of the way so he and Kelly can have a healthy relationship without me mucking it up. He said he doesn't really feel anything for her and he still cares about me. He missed me a lot when I'm gone. (Which he has maintained throughout this)

I said he needs to forget about me, I'll always be his friend but I can't stick around. He sighed and nodded and said he didn't want to. We ate dinner and we made plans for the following weekend to help an older lady get ready for winter and he would stay out at the farm. We danced around the conversation and asked if I had plans for the weekend, i was truthful,i didn't he said will maybe I could stay. I said well im really sore i need to stretch out, the couch was killing me. He said he could sleep there (he's 6 foot and its a love seat) and he had to work in the shop, i wasnt going to kick him out of his bed. So he asked if I was going to stay then and we could do something together. I hesitated and said i was welcome in his bed, he would even keep his clothes on ( we used to sleep in the nude) as I told him I didn't do FWB. So we laid down and went to sleep. In my sleep I had cuddled up to him out of habit. I went to pull away and he just sighed and pulled me closer. We cuddled all night. That morning he kissed me good morning and that kiss, well I kinda made it a lot more. *Cough* pregnancy hormones are real... We had sex twice. (If he's not emotionally involved with someone he has a very hard time getting off, he got off both times) We cuddled the rest of the morning until he had to be up for work. He hugged me a long moment before going to work. He is regularly texting me and contacting me. Now I'm trying to come up with a game plan on how to draw him back from the edge. He's supposed to hit up therapy on tuesday. I've got appts here in town (otherwise its a 45 min drive from the farm and I'm really low on cash to the point I wouldn't make it back to town till next Friday after I leave) I've got my case worker tuesday, therapist weds and then work Thursday but if leave weds night and return Friday or Saturday.

So do I stay to continue to show him I can be old me (which is essentially what he wants to see since his exs would devolve into a cycle of arguments, like we have been for 2 weeks) then leave Saturday as we planned. He is spending Sunday with Kelly. He would like me back on Monday and possibly make plans for Sunday night with just us if Kelly has work.

Do I tell him that if he sleeps with her I don't think I could come back from that? Do I give him space despite the fact he wants anything but that? Do I say anything about this morning? What should I do? Do I continue to sleep with him, physically? If I say no to sex he will honor it and never pushes it. Just not sure I trust myself...to say no. Or do I take up the couch again? Help. he's not the usual lying, guy only out for sex. He's respectful and very very sensitive. So all the stuff I've found doesn't take those guys into account. And I know he is very very hurt but seems to slowly be coming around and plus he has therapy on Tuesday too. I just don't know what to do...i do know cutting communication 100% with him will trigger his past for him and that's the recommendation usually for this situation.

You say he is respectful and cares for you. Has he made a commitment to you and said he loves you? You are about to have a baby and don't need a man in your life that is not committed to you and your baby. You say he wants you back but does he talk about wanting you and the baby in his life always? Does he put you first. You are about to get very busy with a newborn--you will need support. Also, do you love him? I wouldn't live with someone unless I was sure that I loved them and vice versa. I wouldn't live with someone who dates other women. I think you know this. Don't sell yourself short by continuing to have sex with a man who doesn't put you first.

I do not believe for one second that he didnt know or understand what Tindr is.

Everybody knows what Tindr is. That's hogwash. Speaking from personal experience, it is very, very difficult for a man to successfully date two women at the same time. It's just too much, as you are sadly learning. If I were in your situation, I would insist that he cut ties with Kelly. You deserve his full attention, especially with this pregnancy. If he doesn't get that, like, intuitively, then I, personally, would say he doesn't deserve you.

Let me see if I understand it correctly

So he was on tinder but didn’t know what that was? What did he think it was?

You are ok with him talking and hooking up with women like this Kelly because he doesn’t know what tinder is for?

Multiple condoms broke? How many broke? I didn’t have one broke in my entire life.

You are still pregnant after taking morning after pill, which is 95% effective when taken next morning?

He thought it was to meet local people and gain friends kinda like Facebook. He also didn't know what hulu or Netflix was... I don't care who he talks to and he's deleted the app. Yup that's my luck 4 condoms total. And morning after. I'm a heavy girl so its less effective and it only works to prevent ovulation, drs guess was that id already ovulated.

He also didn't know what Netflix or Hulu was... He says that he's not dating her yet and that we are just friends so... I'm going to step back...a lot. So he can either see what's missing from his life or date someone else, either way... I'm out, I'm done.

you've only been with this guy 6 months & you are pregnant because MULTIPLE condoms broke..wow...one condom maybe , but a bunch...what are the odds???? and the morning after pill didn't work?

how did you meet him?

seems like this guy has a history of condoms breaking....lots of child support...

so now he "finds" Kelly out of the blue on his phone and wants to be with her, and you are at first ok? and now not. now there are issues, amybe moving out, maybe not...maybe therapy , maybe not

this guy is smarter then you think...he has a pattern and you fell into it. and now there will be a walking, talking souvenir 9 months down the road. get a paternity test when the baby is born so you can hit him up for child support too. if you can find him....

chances are he'll be gone..it's just a train wreck.

That’s different.

It’s not like he had accounts on Netflix and Hulu and paid the fee and was watching movies on there but didn’t know what that was. He isn’t using Netflix and Hulu so understandably he doesn’t know what they are.

With tinder though...He has an account and profile on tinder and was meeting women on there but didn’t know what that was?

An i bought the condoms so i know they were not just defective, i also put them on...

Well he was married 3 kids there, not accidents. Then a girl slipped pills in his drink (a few friends of mine actually knew of her and no one will drink around her) that's kid number 4. We met through a friend of mine that used to work with him.

If he's gonna be gone why does he want to move out by me still and help with the baby. He just bought a crib for the baby and a car to commute back and forth...

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I've called his therapist was telling me He's seeking comfort and distraction from the hurt and looking in the wrong places. If he was a dog he would of been doing this with all his female friends and he's got 4 of them. I know all of them, one he met online on Facebook (she's bringing some baby clothes for the baby) an is a good friend of both ours, one he works with and often bicycles with as that's a hobby of his. One he used to work with and is a friend of mine too. The last was an ex's friend who is older and is actually the one who told me about the **** show one of his exs put him through.

He's not actually dating Kelly and wants to spend most his time with me yet.

He's never hidden anything from me as this phone was always unlocked and i was allowed on it. Anything I've asked about he's always told the truth.

Next time he asks for me to come over I'm going to ask if he's still pursuing kelly and if he says yes then I'm going to say "well then i can't, you need time to let me go and forget about me as its not fair to Kelly or you. I also need time to work on myself and proccess my feelings because right now I'm not a very good friend" which when i have told him the first part he always gets really morose and says he doesn't want to. Then i tell him besides how do you suppose moving out to the farm with me will affect Kelly? He sputters a few excuses then says he would ditch her... So I'm going to say there is a lot more here than just that he's a dog. I've been with a dog before their lies are obvious and their sneaky and i know all the signs... And these don't really fit right. While i can see some i can also see other things that are out of place. This isn't just an open and close case something complex is going on here and i can't put my thumb on it. But either way at the end of the day I'm stepping back to see what he does...

He REALLY is simple when it comes to some things. He deleted the app when i told him what it was. He's not in the know for trends and prior to my freak out, i read all the texts. He never came on to her, he always maintained he wanted friendship only. They didn't share any indecent photos and they talked about random stuff. He's no master planner. He can barely keep his important stuff together he doesn't have any organization skills, he can't keep a secret to save his life, he'd forget his head if it wasn't attached.

He was committed to me before i freaked out and threatened to leave. He showed me here loved me in every way, he always put me first. His eyes never strayed. We spent almost every second together that he wasn't biking (once a week and texted me the whole time) or working
I do love him. Yes he makes every effort to keep me in his life and is terrified that I'll do what his ex did with his kids which often brings him to tears. He loves his kids. All of them.

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. It must be awful. Sending lots of positive vibes and prayers your way!

Yeah thanks I just wish i had better access to a couple therapist or something to better figure this all out. I've racked my mind over everything and I just can't decide how to tackle this if things were more clear cut It would be easy. Its just not. 😟

I think you're settling for less than what you need in your life now. You need to make sure you have the means to take care of a child let alone yourself. I hope it works out between you and your man but if you can't make it work out, what are you going to do? I made a mistake for settling for less and married a man who could not take care of himself, who wanted money from me, and who was abusive. I have been there and can tell you that marrying or settling with such a man does not make things better but worse. You need to address your priorities, that is, you and your future child. I would focus first on trying to take care of these priorities first. You should realize raising a child is not easy and no cake walk. If he wants to be there for you and the child, he would not be dating other women and causing you more problems. I say run for it and take care of your future- your child. And, I would detach yourself from this man for awhile, and see how things fall into place. If he really wants you and your child in his life, he would marry you and do whatever possible to make sure it works.

I've already got that plan down. I'm moving back out to the farm (a family owned home that's empty) I've got my own income and car. I've also got family and friends to help. I'm naturally a planner i always have a backup plan. I'm taking classes, my sister's are coming up to teach me a few things and my friend one town over and mother of 3 she's close by to help too. I'm just trying to figure this out. Cause like i said he's not a dog, he's not abusive in anyway (been there done that) and he's a hard worker too. So we shall see. Stepping back is the only other choice i see, besides him ditching kelly, because i need to move on if he's not ready to forgive me.

To be honest I'm not sure he knows HOW to forgive someone. Everyone in his past was so horrible he never had a reason to even want to. Until now... Now he's trying to do what he did before and its not working (Kelly keeps bailing on him and he's just not feeling it, from the vibes I'm getting)... Because he can't hate me he's having trouble forgetting me, I've been nothing but caring to him. Every ex he's had was horrible to him so it was easy to just pick up and move on. So now he's stuck trying to move on because that's what had always worked before and he doesn't know how to forgive and he's still wanting me.

I'm hoping his therapist helps him sort everything out. Cause he's got two options... Forgive (and ditch kelly) or forget me. Simple as that. So I'm stepping back so he can see what its really like without me around. Cause we really haven't been apart more than 72 hours in 5 months. I did the laundry, dishes, trash and picked up regularly and he's a typical guy in the house keeping aspect. So things will become pretty apparent pretty quick especially since he can't see Kelly more than once maybe twice a week if he's lucky and he hates being alone at night. An she works long shifts so there is no way for her to fill this needs. So whatever is going on there likely won't last long. So eventually he's going to have to confront those feelings and hopefully the therapist helps him see it sooner rather than later.

That sounds like a good plan! I hope it works out for you and your child. I wish you the very best and write here anytime about how things are going. We are all rooting for you!

I am really surprised you were able to call his therapist and therapist was willing to talk to you, and you aren’t married or anything. Is it even allowed?

How old is this guy? He already has 4 kids and now he is on a kid number 5? He really needs to get birth control going. If condoms keep breaking, he needs something else.

Is he helping to raise all these kids?

His 3 boys are by his mom (she's a real piece of work) and she's actually going against court order and won't let him speak or see them. The state they are in allows only in person correspondence. But he pays his child support faithfully. His daughter he just found out about a few months back and is fighting for custody as we speak. Also pays his support for her as well. He goes for his vasectomy the end of the month. There was only the incident with me the others were from marriage and his daughter was essentially rape but no one seems to believe in a guy being raped.

As for the therapist I'm in his treatment plan and he signed a paper saying they could discuss treatment and such with me, we did that about a week before all this blew up.

He will be 31 here soon

My therapist helped a little and so did his. They say we are on the right track. I'm just scared to lose him and feel uneasy with the loss so control over the situation. So one day at a time i guess