OCD interferes with relationship

I have a daughter who began displaying signs of OCD in childhood. It seemed harmless at the time, as it was just her being unable to eat her food unless all the food was completely separated. Her food could not touch each other. That was childhood. Today she's thirty and her food issues are different. Her food can now touch each other. But, today there's not one single restaurant in the entire world that can prepare her meal properly. Every meal in every restaurant requires four "tweaks." Most people can eat a salad with dressing on it, already applied. She can't do this. She has to have the dressing on the side. In addition, she has to do substitutes. It takes her about five minutes in a restaurant to let them know all the changes she needs to have applied to her meal. She's not allergic, so that's not the issue. Nor is it about calories. It's about them simply not being able to prepare her food to her standard.

What I see is someone who can't eat a simple meal prepared for her without changing it substantially. I see someone who is dissatisfied with what she's given(served) every day. I can't imagine how difficult life must be for her to find dissatisfaction like that every day.

She was over for a turkey dinner at our house yesterday and she actually had to takeover the finalization of the meal, including creating her own "special" basting mixture to pour on the turkey. She had to "finish" the vegetables the right way. And she was greatly dissatisfied when she found out we had purchased low fat whipping cream for the pumpkin pie.

I'm not upset at how she is, but I do wonder where this great dissatisfaction with food comes from. And does this great dissatisfaction with food mask a great dissatisfaction with something else?

Her last relationship broke up, primarily because she envisioned how the relationship would operate. And when it fell short of her vision, she tried to explain to her new boyfriend her vision of how they were to interact. So he had to be "tweaked" to her standard of acceptability. Just like the food. Needless to say, he exited the relationship within a week to finding out how many changes were required to make the relationship work.

She has a younger friend who is 26, while my daughter is going on 31. The younger friend seems to be more mature than my daughter. In fact, I believe the younger friend is mentoring my daughter on how to accept the foibles of life, like food that is imperfect, with grace.

I think my daughter is truly perplexed by her own behaviour. It makes me think she will struggle her entire life, due to the overly high expectations she has. It seems life and people can never deliver to her what she believes is adequate.

Does anyone else know someone like this? My mother was also like this, but her dissatisfaction manifested itself with constant criticism of others. Every one who crossed paths with my mother was severely criticized.

It is good that your daughter seems to have found a mentor.

Would she consider seeing a therapist who is knowledgeable about OCD?

She's actually quite closed minded. She saw a therapist who told her she had a tendency to be a perfectionist, so she was always dissatisfied with things. Those things include: food, relationships, people, clothes, weight, hair, etc. It's like she encounters something, is immediately dissatisfied with it, and continues to pursue something new, only to find the new thing is equally dissatisfying as the old thing. I think she will have a great deal of difficulty finding happiness in life, as she doesn't even seem to be happy for very long with small things that are good.

I think she has chronic depression, but won't be open to doing something about it.

This must be extremely stressful for her. It is interfering with her functioning in the world. I agree with @Bill3 that looking into therapy should be at the top of the list. This is longstanding, deep-seated stuff. It's going to take some time. She is going to need more help than just the nice friend, IMO.

Hi there ~

I have OCD, as well as an eating disorder, so while my experience is different than your daughters, it may help you understand her better. I'll do my best.

People with OCD know that their fears are irrational, which is one of the most frustrating parts of the disorder. For example, my OCD centers around contamination fears. I know that if I touch the ketchup bottle and lick my hand afterwards, I'll be fine, but my brain does something like this: what if someone handled raw meat (salmonella, e coli) and then touched it? Or cleaned that cat litter box (gross) and touched it? Or touched lettuce, which could have e coli, then touched it? Probably none if it's true, but my point is that the obsessive thoughts will. not. stop. After this, I do whatever compulsion helps me relieve my anxiety. Usually, it's washing my poor, dry, bleeding hands.

There are other weird ticks I have that seem more related to your daughters issue of needing something to be 'just right'. If it's not just right, it feels like a horrible itch growing stronger and stronger and you want to scratch it and 'fix' whatever is wrong. Some people have it with symmetry, others with organization...your daughter is showing it with food, and now relationships. OCD is insidious and slowly infects your whole life. I really hope she can eventually speak with a professional about this, because OCD is so difficult to conquer on your own.

I don't know you or your daughter and I'm going out on a limb here: your daughter is not dissatisfied with food, she is compulsive about it. Her OCD is manifesting as compulsively preparing and arranging her food. Does she feel like something 'bad' will happen if she doesn't preform these rituals (for example: I personally cannot eat meat, because I am terrified it will be undercooked and have e coli or salmonella or SOMETHING that will give me the stomach flu). How does she feel when she abstains from the rituals? I'm guessing that she does not want to be this way and would prefer to order a salad without feeling anxious or bad about it.

A lot of therapists will recommend exposure therapy. You can google it, it's basically doing tiny things that make you uncomfortable (not preforming certain rituals) until the anxiety and 'itch' goes away. Don't attempt it without a professional though.

I don't know everything about OCD, but what I've written here is through my own experience wrestling with it. If there's anything I can say or explain to help, just let me know.

This was really helpful. Thanks for taking the time to share. It sounds to me like OCD is similar to an addiction, where you just can't stop doing something, even though that something is bad for you. She had the vision of the perfect birthday, where her friends all showed up and they talked and partied a bit. She invited fourteen people and four showed up, even though all 14 said they'd come. I'm sure she had the party already all lived and enjoyed in her head. Then reality happened and only four people showed up. To her she lost so much. Her friends are not perfect. She's so disappointed in them. I think she wants perfect friendships. I'm 64 and I've yet to have perfect friendship. She did accept this from me at the birthday lunch we had together. "Like everyone else on the planet, you're not going to get all the things you want from life, no one does. And the things you get from life are not going to be perfect. They're going to be lesser versions of what you want for yourself. But you will get some really great things, great experiences. You already have. People are flakey and self-absorbed. It doesn't make them bad people or lesser somehow. And it's no reflection on your value."

Although this was probably a bit too much truth for her, it seemed to comfort her a bit. She romanticizes life and imagines how perfect it's going to be and is constantly disappointed with the reality of life. It's almost like a fairy tale disease of the mind.

I think that many people would be badly hurt if fourteen people said they would come and only four showed up. I certainly would find that hard to take.

Something similar happened with my daughter. A new girl in elementary school had a birthday in early September. She invited all of the girls in the class to her party. Only my daughter showed up!

This of course was hard for the new girl BUT she and my daughter had a good time anyways and became fast friends, which they still are to this day.

Perhaps the moral of this story is that your daughter’s real/best friends are those who came, and these are the friends she should particularly cultivate?

When people don't show up like that, I think it's because they've forgotten about the planned event. What you describe about your daughter's birthday happened when I was eleven. I got a phone call from this other girl's mother about not being at her birthday party. I told her I had forgotten and that I would be right over. I expected to arrive to a party of 10 girls. I was the only one who showed up. Then that girl and I became best friends. I had literally forgotten about the party. I think that happens a lot. OR when the time arrives, people have gotten wrapped up in something else and choose to not go to your event. Either way, I don't think it's a true reflection of your own self worth. Although you are right, it's reflection of who your true friends are. I'm still waiting to have a true friend in life that is not my husband. Life is imperfect, but there is still much in the world.