Friend with BPD ghosts me, and I don't know what to do

Long story, sorry.
I have an online friend, we can talk everyday about anything, and we have a very strong relationship, so we know about each other's problems.
About her BPD, she feels overwhelmed by social media and socialization in general: she posts her drawings, gets happy when she gets likes but then just feels bad, and since she wanted to vent somehow, I suggested her to make a private account. Here I learned a lot about her disorder, how she felt, etc, and that made me worry a lot about her.
Since I confronted her about this (not in a bad manner, just told her it would be good if she talked to me about her problems) she opened up a lot and told me about her issues, but always bringing back things about how she shouldn't feel like this and that her problems were that of a teenager.
Things were going fine, but one day and without advice, she started "ghosting", when she came back (and after I sent her a lot of messages, because I was worried and there was nothing else I could do... we live like 6000 km apart) we bonded a lot more, she told me she had lost friends because of her evative actitude in the past and that she didn't want the same to happen between us, and that I was the only one she could truly call one, since I listened and cared about her.
We came back to normal, I noticed she tended to bottle up her emotions and ignore her problems, so when we were talking or making a call I would make a pause somewhere to make sure she's okay, and that she could vent if she wanted.
Things were going alright, she ghosted and came back a lot of times, but I was always for her... sending a lot, a lot of messages.
This is something I don't know if it's okay to do. She told me that seeing my messages while she was ghosting encouraged her to "not ruin this friendship because of her actitude" , but at the same time, I know it's not healthy. Let's say she didn't answer for three weeks, that's 1000 or more messages from me, from stickers to "hey, tell me what's going on, i''l listen"
So I'm stuck here again. She has had s*icidal thoughts so I feel like not messaging her is the same as abandoning her, I feel that if I'm not there for her, she will give up.
I have good news though, she started teraphy 2 weeks ago and I really hope it helps her! But I feel kind of left out, what should I do? She keeps posting in her private account, but now doesn't let anyone follow her.

@mouseberry

I'm sorry that she ghosts you, or that you feel the push-pull in the relationship. That push-pull is part of BPD symptoms, or so I've heard. I don't know much about BPD other than what I've read or experienced from some others who used to stalk me, or who did the push-pull thing with me.

The best thing you can do, which is hard I know, is to just allow her the freedom to ghost and to feel whatever she is feeling. It's easy to get caught up in a codependent relationship with people who are suffering (with any disorder, really), but sometimes their emotions and/or thoughts get in the way of maintaining relationships. As close as you might want to be with her, she might find that closeness both rewarding at times and scary at others, hence, the push-pull, here-ghost relationship. It is up to her to manage her symptoms, and you can be a good friend in times that she is receptive to your help. You can also be a good friend at times when she is able to actually enjoy things with you without it having to be about her mental illness, or any trauma bonding that may take place between two parties, etc. It's great to offer emotional support and to reaffirm that you care about her and accept her, but it's also important for you to address your own needs in the relationship. I know it is hard to communicate that you feel left out when she ghosts you, but that is important for both you to express and her to hear, in order for her to learn more about what she can do to improve her recovery and maintain the relationship that you want to have with her. She may feel bad, blame herself, or get mad at you for saying something, but no matter her response, you can reiterate that it is because you want to maintain the relationship that you are bringing this up, and that your honesty should speak to your caring about her. You can also tell her that you miss being a part of her life that she has with others as well, and that it would be great if she checked in with you periodically. Finally, you can say that it isn't fair to both of you when she makes the decision that she will just screw up the relationship. How does anyone know that a relationship will be screwed up if they don't try to be their authentic selves?

Perhaps she's afraid of getting close, or perhaps she is only used to being close for a short while with one person at a time. That might be her BPD, or her way of living, and if it works for her, then unfortunately, it is just something that caring persons would have to accept. It's not easy hearing this, but different people with different personalities (not necessarily disorders) have different ways of relating to people. We can accept it, communicate about it, make compromises that all parties are willing to make, or sadly end it if it is too distressing for us. People move close and apart for many different (and even healthy) reasons all the time throughout life, so it is important for you to see what you want for you out of the relationship, what you see in her needs out of her relationship with you, and whether or not you can both communicate these individual needs you both have honestly, openly, non-elusively, and with mutual compromises.

You can't change you just to be around her, and she shouldn't change herself to be around you, but both of you can grow together through communication - regardless of whether or not she has a disorder. That said, her symptoms of BPD may impact the relationship, but it is no excuse for her to lose the benefits of a relationship by giving into those symptoms, or for you to cater to enabling the continuance of those symptoms in the relationship you have with her. Both of you have individual needs in the relationship, and both of you can see what you can do to meet those needs. Either of you can also choose to end the relationship, hopefully with a kind and good closure, if the relationship is too much or not aligned anymore.

I've had some friends with BPD, but they were short-lived. I've even had some whom I tried to befriend who wound up stalking me, due to what they claimed was part of their BPD. I did what I could to assert my own needs, compromise when safe, or end it when I felt it wasn't something that I could handle. I wished them ALL the best, but relationships need to be best for all parties, and if it is only harming one or enabling the other, then it winds up not always being the best. Unfortunately, there is a grieving process that happens during all this, even before ending a relationship. It's best that you understanding what it is you want out of this relationship, and what you think your friend with BPD wants or doesn't want.

If she's ghosted you repeatedly and has caused you feelings of distress in the relationship or of codependency, then that isn't good for you. You can still try to maintain the relationship, but with a good balance of having your needs met without changing who you are to meet her needs primarily.

I hope this makes sense and helps. I'm sorry if this hurts or triggers. I only mean to help - both you and offer suggestions that might be good for your friend with BPD, too. Unfortunately, I don't know much about BPD to know all that they struggle with.

@lillib First of all thank you very much for taking your time to respond me your response is very helpful since I didn't even know where to start with this
Yes, I try not to touch this issue all the time, after all we share a lot of interests and get caught up talking about them, we also collaborate on creative stuff like writing and drawing, but at the same time I don't want this to take over the conversation since she could be avoiding her problems again.
I think I will now try to only send a message a day at a time I know that she might be able to get a notification so that I don't overwhelm her, last time she ghosted me I think I forced her to come back and maybe she needed more time

I don’t think it’s your responsibility to make sure she addresses her problems with you and doesn’t bottle her emotions.

It’s possible she just wants to chat about other stuff and not necessarily post online in order to address her problems. For example I almost never post anything about any problems online. It doesn’t mean I never have any problems or that I bottle anything, I just usually have no desire to share problems online.

Also sometimes people get busy.

Friendships even if just online should be give and take. It could be that she feels she needs break sometimes. Honestly if someone sent me 1000 messages, I’d likely block them. I think you contacting her so excessively could be overwhelming for her?

You mentioned her seeing a therapist. Have you considered seeing a therapist yourself? Is it possible that being somewhat preoccupied with someone online takes away from your own life and perhaps your own problems?

@mouseberry - I completely agree with @divine1966 ... Divine put it more succinctly than I did, and I couldn't have said it better.

I will add this, however. Sometimes we get so caught up in being someone else's helper that we forget our own needs - which is codependency. You could benefit from therapy yourself, and/or you could attend CODA meetings. Being overly invested in someone else's problems can actual hinder their treatment and feel somewhat "smothering" or "infantilizing" at times. It's not just BPD, but other conditions such as alcoholism: We as friends, loved ones, or caregivers may feel we are helping, but sometimes that help can go overboard. I don't think it's about BPD as much as it is about the general relationship dynamics that can be easily repaired with some tools and good communication. You have a big heart to care, and that's great! But the best part of someone's recovery is when they can assert themselves and learn how to manage on their own. It sounds like your friend asserted herself a few times, or at least tried to, and that's not BPD, but boundaries that she's learned in her treatment, perhaps. It's good to respect those boundaries. However, when ghosting occurs, I know it is hard, and it is a form of passive aggression, but maybe just wait for a response instead of sending many email reminders. The excessiveness of emails might be what is hindering your relationship.