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Junior Member
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 11
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#1
Hello everyone. I really need to just get this off my chest.
so... I have a history of rocky relationships. I was in some really bad situations, and after those, I was a real heartbreaker for a while, always bailing when the other person told me they loved me or when things started to get too serious for me. I never stayed for more than a few months. I went to therapy for a long time, and it helped, somewhat. I've managed to have two healthy relationships post-therapy, and one ended because I moved away from him, and the other ended because she didn't have time for a relationship anymore. That was fine! I don't think I was in love with either of them, though. And... I've been dating this guy for a while now. Six months, give or take. We became close right after we met and have barely gone a few days without seeing each other. He feels so, so right to me. I'm so calm when I'm with him. We do everything I've ever wanted in a relationship. Our love languages match up just fine. I feel so calm and happy and smile to myself when we're doing something as simple as picking up our groceries or doing housework together. It's so nice and calm, and we are so, so, so good together. But.. the other day, something happened. It wasn't bad, it was objectively good. Just... a moment that we had together after a really long, fun night involving cooking an elaborate dinner together and expensive tequila for no other reason than we could. And I could feel that familiar relationship shift, where you know something monumental just happened that takes the relationship to the next level. It scares me so much. I can't stop thinking, is this it? I know I prefer women but this guy is something so special. He's raised the bar as far as relationships go and I've never felt anything negative towards him, not even a smidgeon of annoyance. I guess I'm scared to commit to him fully and emotionally because I know it'll either end, or it won't, and I hate both of those options. I'm just so anxious. I can't stop thinking that he might want to move in with me when his lease is up late next year. I can't stop thinking that he might tell me he loves me soon. the thought makes me feel sick inside. I'm a shower, not a teller, and I would rather eat an entire jean jacket than tell someone I loved them in a romantic way or even admit that I felt that way towards someone. I guess you could say I'm leaning on being emotionally unavailable in that way. I'm not even sure what love really is, at least for me. All I know is that I really really like him, but I'm nervous, because suddenly he's been extra mushy and soft and telling me all these sweet things and offering to bring me dinner every single night ever since we had our little moment together. It's like he went from being a perfectly baked cake to a bag of pure cane sugar. Everything he says and does is exactly what I'd want my ideal partner to do, and that's what scares me the most. Don't get me wrong, I really like how he's acting, but my nightmares are starting to kick up again because I'm so anxious about my relationship becoming more serious. I'm really trying to work through it, but I'm stressing out so hard. Maybe it's because I think I don't deserve to be treated so gently and delicately. Maybe it's because I think it'll end in disaster anyway. Maybe it's because I think my parents approve of him. Maybe it's because people keep telling me that he's a keeper. Maybe it's because I can't decide if I want to keep dating women or stay with him. Maybe I'm just too messed up to be in a relationship with such a generous, warm person. Maybe I truly don't deserve someone as helpful and sweet as him. I don't know what it is. I really don't. I'm just scared to fully commit, even though I can't imagine life without him at this point and want to keep him close to me. __________________ "I aways thought I might be bad now I'm sure that it's true Cause I think you're so good And I'm nothing like you Look at you go I just adore you I wish that I knew What makes you think I'm so special." Love Like You ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Commitment-phobia x |
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Fuzzybear, Skeezyks
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#2
Thanks for sharing your situation. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. I just wanted to let you know I read your post & I wish you & your partner the best.
__________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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SpenceGettingBi
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Member Since Jul 2011
Location: Tennessee
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#3
I think you would benefit seeing a Therapist to help you process your thoughts and feelings about “ being in love” and all that comes with being in a serious relationship with someone.
__________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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SpenceGettingBi
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Junior Member
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 11
4 11 hugs
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#4
This is really good advice, but I can't I'm uninsured, and need my dollars to pay my rent and whatnot. I used to see one, when I was still on my mom's insurance, and she's largely the reason why I was able to have those two healthy relationships that had ended before. I'm feeling a lot better since I made this post though, but I can feel myself shutting down a little still. I'm working through it with self-care.
__________________ "I aways thought I might be bad now I'm sure that it's true Cause I think you're so good And I'm nothing like you Look at you go I just adore you I wish that I knew What makes you think I'm so special." Love Like You ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Commitment-phobia x |
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~Christina
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: Tennessee
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#5
Quote:
Check with your county mental health care center. That’s where I have been getting help for 8 years now both T and Pdoc and I also was on a plan that covered the cost of my medications. They have programs and sliding scales. I know many people that only pay 5-10 per session or free. I had no insurance and I was able to see my T and Pdoc for over a year free. Doesn’t cost anything to give them a call and ask if you qualify for help Take care __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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bpcyclist, SpenceGettingBi
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bpcyclist, Iloivar
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Junior Member
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 11
4 11 hugs
given |
#6
Quote:
__________________ "I aways thought I might be bad now I'm sure that it's true Cause I think you're so good And I'm nothing like you Look at you go I just adore you I wish that I knew What makes you think I'm so special." Love Like You ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Commitment-phobia x |
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~Christina
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: Tennessee
Posts: 22,450
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#7
Your welcome
__________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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bpcyclist
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bpcyclist
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#8
Hi
I think this is the sort of issue a competent therapist would be able to assist with. I can’t say I have found one of those in this forest, at low cost, or otherwise. That is another issue. I don’t live in your forest. __________________ |
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