New to dating..

Hello all. I am a single mother of 3 and looking to start dating after 1-2 years of being separated. I realize I have NO idea of what is normal and not.. and I either feel I'm too naive or way too uptight about the relationships I have about men.

I need help!!!!

I tend to receive a bit of male attention, especially from men I have been friends with in the past or people I meet from my school/work. I end up giving my number after an exchange and it seems like every man I speak with, mentions sex pretty quickly after we begin to chat. I just find it disrespectful and honestly quite intimidating. I dont know how to respond, I dont know if it's just in men's nature to be this way... the most recent man I met seemed so down to earth.. then sent an unexpected naked photo to say good morning. WTF!?

What am I doing wrong to be encountering this with every single guy I speak with? What is 'normal' and what is disrespectful when talking about sex? I'm so confused....

If it feels disrespectful and icky, its because it is. Trust yourself.

I wonder the same thing. I've gotten a lot if weird messages on the free dating sites. Sexual in nature. And even abusive messages. I think we live in different times, but I also think free dating sites bring this out in other people. I'm a female, so I really can't speak from a man's perspective. I just know that I've experienced a lot of bizarre creepy behavior from Men on free dating sites. All of that being said, it seems that you are experiencing this from men you meet in real life. I wouldn't blame yourself. I mean self-reflection is good. And it's good to take responsibility for our own actions and behaviors. So I really can't say and I really don't know. Maybe some guys would be able to weigh in. I do think these are different times. Which is so unfortunate. But I do know that there are good men out there as well. And maybe you can set some boundaries. What did you do when the guy sent you that naked picture? Did you tell him that was not okay? If you put up with behavior it will just keep happening. Doesn't make the behavior okay. Anyway I'm sorry this is happening for you and it sounds really frustrating. I'm also wondering what the quality of men you are spending time with. Though it seems that they catch you off-guard and you are surprised that they are acting like this. So maybe it's not that.

Thank you for the reply. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this.. and equally sorry you have too!
These are men that I know, never had a sexual past with etc. I just find it so mind boggling that they think it's okay. The guy I have been speak with and sent me that photo today .. I just said 'I think you and I are looking for different things' .. he then apologized profusely. Said he got carried away because I 'excite' him and that he respects me as a woman and mother and didnt mean to make me uncomfortable...' luh.. it is now that I have seen his penis without asking for it. Lol

The other guy I have known for years and absolutely lovely man. But also seems to slide in sex with the conversation but in a less obvious way..sigh. I just never reply to those particular comments.

I'm at a loss. I hope a man could maybe give some input!!

Oh my heavens, a nakie pic right outta the gate -- yeah, that's class! So sorry you've had these jerks accost you in this way, WG. And yeah, pressing the SEX buttons almost immediately IS A JERK MOVE. I am furious on your behalf!
I've not done internet dating, but I've met some guys on social media who decided I should be thrilled w/their inappropriate attentions. It was scarey and it pissed me off, especially since I had e-known the one guy (and had met him IRL some time earlier) for 4 or 5 years and always thought he was a good guy -- smart, funny, respectful, observant, interesting, all the good stuff. Yeah, no. All it took was for me to suddenly be single and BOOM. Ugly happened.
It actually hurt my feelings, so I told one of my friends about it and he was all:"Omg, dating sites are worse: You have to put right away that you want someone who shares your values. and aren't looking for a hook-up -- and even then it's a minefield!" And he's MALE! I about fainted.

I cannot for the life of me understand why and how people feel it appropriate to behave in a fashion on the internet, which they would never ever in a zillion years consider doing IRL. It infuriates the sox off me: C'mon, would you walk up to someone on the street and drop trou, expecting them to be delighted at the sight of your bare bits??? REALLY??!!

GAH.

Sorry, I'm no help. It's just crazymaking that people believe they don't need to proceed with consideration and respect when pursuing a new friendship/relationship,, regardless of the medium they're using. It's dehumanizing, imo.

Rant over.

Best,

Chyia

Divorced man here. Also survivor of an abusive ten-year non-marriage partnership that produced a spectacularly wonderful child, now 11. The unfortunate bottom line with an awful lot of men out there is that they tend to equate relationship 'success' with active sex in the relationship. I personally believe this goes back to teenage years, when teenage boys are groomed in packs and cliques dominated by athletic, macho, usually quite handsome boys to view teenage girls as objects rather than humans. If, ultimately, you are an object and not a person, why should I have to respect you as a person? That's not really how I feel about you.

I was raised by a father who treated my mother with extreme respect and dignity. There was not parity in the relationship because my mom ran the show, which was just fine with my very secure father. Proper and appropriate treatment of women and girls was modeled and expected. Behavior was scrutinized. Girls were not objects. A certain level of interpersonal conduct was expected. I ultimately found a wife who appreciated these things. She was a good person. Then, I got sick and she bailed. So, it doesn't always work out. But the principle remains.

I think part of what you are experiencing would not now be going on had it not been for the rise of social media, which I personally believe is a massive problem in our country. People of both sexes have become much, much bolder in the wake of these dating and hookup sites. The bar has been lowered. Instead of rewarding mutual respect, dignity, an appreciation for women's rights, and just general niceness, these kinds of sites and the culture they have created reward naked selfies sent at 2 AM. It's completely ridiculous, IMO. What you are looking for is a man who has not been swept up by this ridiculous culture of sex, sex, sex. Someone who still understands about dignity, respect, kindness, and other decent human values. They are out there. Lots of them. You just need to find the right one.

Lastly, I just want you to know that you are not alone in your basic experience. I fairly routinely receive sexually graphic photos and hookup requests from women out of nowhere. I think they must come from a dating site I was on a long time ago. I am lonely and many of them are quite attractive, I must say. But that's not my thing. So, I delete them and move on. I think you need to figure out which ones of these men in your orbit, if any, you need to delete. And then, move on to the good ones.

Sending you positive vibes! You can do this!

Hello,

As a guy I would never consider sending a random nude to someone I just met, so that to me is a red flag and you probably made the right decision saying, "we're after two different things." If he was after more than sex he wouldn't have sent the nude... he was testing your reaction to see where you were on that front.

I have heard similar stories of getting unwanted nudes from many of my women friends unfortunately. So you're definitely not alone. I feel like I need to make a PSA on it for us men, but it doesn't seem like it should be necessary, like it's common sense.

I would also suggest it's possible these men have their sense of self worth tied into sex. Maybe the man sending the pic was looking for some kind of validation from you in addition to testing waters. Long story short, don't settle if you feel uncomfortable. Plenty of great men out there!

Thank you SO much for the replies. I really am lost in the dating game, I have NO idea how a respectful relationship works as I was abused growing up and then spent the last ten years in an abusive marriage.
I question myself regularly on what is okay and not, what is respectful and disrespectful etc.
The male perspectives give me hope that there are good men out there though!! I hope I come across a nice guy and actually recognize it lol.

Thanks guys !!

Unfortunately, I have been on dating sites for 15 (ackkk) years; a lot of players, men who stood me up, didn't call, a lot of them are married and just messing around; Trust your gut...oh, and a lot of men who talk about sex immediately; major turn off for me. Iam old-school, old-fashioned with values and manners.

I was in an abusive marriage for 31 years and it took me so long to get a divorce, but I am now aware of the red flags...I imagine there are some good men, but I haven't met one in all of these years; but I won't give up!

Whatever your boundaries are, stick to them; don't allow disrespect, etc.

Hey @Zedsdead do you mind me asking how old you are?

I am 29!

I give up even trying to have any sort of romance at this point. I really do not seem to understand relationships and I think I trust people too easily. I feel a bit defeated

@sarahsweets

Dating can be discouraging, and it sounds like you are discouraged. maybe take a break, and then come back to it. I want to acknowledge that you said that you have been abused. There's a possibility that that could play a part in who is making themselves available to you? I forget if you said you are in therapy. But I'd recommend it. Take good care of yourself.

Thank you!! I was actually just approved for some funding for therapy so I really look forward to that. I had basic guidance from a counselor when leaving my ex but that has been it. I definitely am taking a break. I need it thanks again.