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mace1234
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Member Since: Oct 2019
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Unhappy Oct 19, 2019 at 10:56 PM
  #1
I'm 26 living at home with my mom and grandma --grandma has Dementia and needs help during the day while mom works. It has been an area of stress in my life because I can't work regular hours/have had many friends and even my boyfriend of 3 yrs move to larger cities to start their lives.

I feel an obligation to be there for my family, though I feel very lonely in my family because they don't seem to respect my boundaries and often dismiss me as "overly sensitive".

I have a lot of issues with my weight; when I was little my nickname was literally "fatty" (it was explained as being okay because my mom and some other female family members were also "lovingly" called this growing up). My grandma is fatphobic, though she is pretty overweight herself. She has an extremely low level of education, so we kind of shrug it off. She constantly berated my mom growing up (and still openly criticizes her) for her weight, and my mom has strangely done the same to me. I have been noticing as I get older that these toxic habits seem to get passed down from generation to generation.

Lately I have been having arguments with my mom when she comments on my figure, because I really am trying to heal/grow from a lifelong disgust with my own body. I feel resentful because most of my friends never had family constantly judging their weight, and seem to have a much more positive body image as adults. I have been dieting since I was 11/12 and have an unhealthy relationship with food. Often when I try to eat something "bad", even if in moderation and after days/weeks of eating well, my mom will tell me "Don't eat it! You're gonna regret it!" which gives me a lot of unnecessary shame and guilt.

The latest incident was a few days ago-- I walked into my mom's room first thing in the morning and she made a comment about how my "butt is so flat and small" now that I've lost a little weight. "You have no hips!" she said. And she definitely didn't seem to mean this as a compliment...

I bit my tongue and tried to go about my day, but it really upset me. I am finally doing something that my family has constantly urged me to do (lose weight), and now I'm being introduced to a new issue? It may seem small, but my mom has also repeatedly commented on my "big feet", "hunchback", "fat fingers", and double chin.

A few hours later, I decided to tell her that what she said upset me, and that I wish she wouldn't make comments about my body to me. She did what she always does, and immediately got angry, yelled at me about how she didn't want to hear this today, about how I shouldn't "start" with her, about how I'm so overly sensitive that it drives her crazy, and how she refuses to "walk on eggshells" around me. She yelled at me until I cried.

This really upset me, and it is not even the 5th time this has happened. She often dismisses my feelings and refuses to change her personality and the way she speaks, even if it would help me feel happier in my home, which would be great since I'm living here not out of necessity, but to make my family's life easier by having a free in-home elderly caretaker. She's very critical, judgmental, and negative.

She was extremely cold to me for the next few days, and I decided to apologize to her and tell her that even though she upsets me I still love her. She responded by saying how upset and frustrated I make her, and how I need to have the things she says "go in one ear and out the other" because she "obviously" doesn't want me to feel bad about myself.

How can I get my mother to understand that saying and doing hurtful things, especially when your child expresses that they're hurtful, mean more than empty words? "I never want you to be upset," she says, as she upsets me...
The most troubling thing to me is not even the initial mean/judgmental statements, because I understand that sometimes people don't realize the effect their words will have on others. I'm mostly upset with the fact that I can't speak up for myself, express that something upset me, or ask for her to not say and do certain things without being made to feel like an annoying, overly sensitive, ungrateful brat.

Something about this last flare up feels different, and I realize that I can either keep going on with this dynamic or really try to get her to see things from my perspective. It just doesn't feel fair that my emotional needs are often met with anger and frustration.

Also thank you to anyone who actually read this far...I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this issue.
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Default Oct 19, 2019 at 11:28 PM
  #2
mace1234 welcome to Psych Central. You sound like a kind and loving person that wants to move past the limitations that you have faced in the past. I am really impressed with how mature you are in the face of the barrage of unsupportiveness you receive from your mom. You really are quite a strong person to endure all this.

I think this article may help you learn if the way your mom is acting falls into a pattern of behavior that too many children experience from their parents. If this is not accurate then read this article on building self esteem
Tips for Building Self-Esteem

25 Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents and Dysfunctional Families (Part 1) | The Psychology of Self

25 Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents and Dysfunctional Families (Part 2) | The Psychology of Self

Coping When You Have a Narcissistic Parent

5 Manipulation Tactics Narcissistic Parents Use To Control Their Adult Children

please include the following tag in any reply concerning this post so I get an alert to see your post: @CANDC thank you!

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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 12:41 AM
  #3
I fear this dynamic you have with your Mother is unlikely to change any time soon unfortunately. Getting yourself into a share accomodation living situation could maybe give you a level of Autonomy, yet still allow you to be available to care for your ailing grandmother when needed. Narcissistic individuals (which is what your Mother sounds like) only become more toxic and manipulative over time, you most definitely need to retain a portion of your life that she cant touch.

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