Should I contact him?

I met a guy in August / September from back when I was on OkCupid. I was actually very fond of him. I think he liked me too. I think we both had anxieties. I know I did. It seemed like I wanted to be close and he did not want that. I was excited about him. We went on one date. He kept giving me mixed messages. He didn't like talking on the phone. He only like texting. We texted a lot. I just felt like there were some red flags. Like he would say that I was the first person in a long time to make him want to be in a relationship but he also wasn't sure he wanted a relationship with me. I think he just had issues like attachment wise. I just ended up really struggling in the end because I wanted to be close. I'd say hey do you want to hang out this weekend? And he would say no. That hurt. I don't know if he was just moving slowly or if he wasn't sure about me... but it hurt and in the end I just really struggled and he ended up not even giving me the Dignity of a response. You know what? I'm not going to contact him. There may not be anybody in my life right now. But that's okay. I was just listening to a podcast about attachment styles. I have a tendency to be anxious even though it's not a disorder I don't think. I I'm really good at communicating I think... and I think I'm on a spectrum of anxious and secure. But the anxious really came out in me with him. And if I'm being honest I didn't communicate perfectly with him in the end. I kind of put it on him and just said goodbye though I was not mean. I think I have issues actually. I was so afraid of rejection that I couldn't read what he said to me in a text. I asked him to call me. He never did. He has anxiety on the phone. Maybe we just weren't a good fit. I just think after listening to the podcast on attachment styles.. it made me think I could have communicated better with him. I'm still fond of him. Oh well. Maybe I still have some work done myself to do.

There are some really interesting YouTube videos too, about relationships.
Sometimes I wonder about those people who seem to vanish like that, I think on some of those sites they enjoy meeting as many people as possible in a short time, which tells me they aren't in it for a relationship just the fun of it.
Not my idea of fun though.
When I meet someone I want to really get to know them, it's too confusing trying to learn about more than one person at a time for me.

I'm curious about these YouTube videos you're talking about.

And I'm the same way. I have a hard time juggling people. When I like someone, I like someone. I'm not on those sites anymore though and my desire for myself is to stay off them.

He kept talking about not wanting to give up his bachelor freedom. Also one time he said he was worried he was going to hurt me bc of his issues. He didn't elaborate. I think he just meant that he had a hard time getting close though. Red flags all over the place.

I'm glad I talked this out. It helps.

((((((WovenGalaxy)))))))

I am SO SORRY you were hurt, @WovenGalaxy! I Hope and Pray that you will meet the right person for you. Those were certainly PLENTY of Red Flags! It IS important to work on ourselves though. please be kind to yourself. There many mean people in this World... fight them back with Kindness and Love, towards yourself and others! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need help, advice, support and kindness! I am SURE plenty of others will REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GLAD AND HAPPY TO HELP YOU OUT AS WELL! I AM SURE OF THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! YOU CAN COUNT ON ALL OF US! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @WovenGalaxy, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking!

Hi WG,

I see you answered your own question about contacting him again. No. I agree with you.

Yes, he did tell you he has issues and you listened, so good for you. He said he was afraid of commitment. So, it’s not surprising he ran. I know it still hurts. I’m sorry it happened to you.

Maybe the right one for you is just around the next corner.

Thank you @Bill3 @MickeyCheeky and @TishaBuv ! I felt much better after "putting it on paper" so to speak. And yes Tisha, I answered my own question in my OP It turned out to be more of a reflection but thank you for listening everyone, and thank you for your support. MickeyCheeky, thank you as always for your wisdom! I like the idea of fighting meanness back with kindness and love! That's HARD! but not impossible

Going slow - as you stated maybe he was (in your first thoughts anyway) but I just have to say after one date and some online interaction it brings to question for me, whether you get attached easily and quickly? Not judging, we are all different but something I thought might be good to bring up for you to analyze about yourself. jumping in with both feet too quickly will turn away more than a few possible suitors so as advice, I'd consider whether this is a tendency of yours or not.

And so you can judge my own perspective, I know this tendency because I have been known to do it myself so i'm really not just shooting from the hip here

HOpe this helps!

Listen to the red flags. You will never regret walking away from a guy you liked as much as you will regret getting tangled up in something when you didn’t listen to your intuition.

WG, good catch thinking this one through!

You sound like a kind person and I wonder whether you feel drawn to men who (for want of better word) have issues. Like you want to help.

This may not be true but just something I wondered. Please ignore if it's off beam.

Wg just noticed you asked about YouTube, I just entered healthy relationship into search and watched what looked relevant to me.
It sent me learning about Attachment Styles.
I highly recommend learning about it.
Right now I'm also listening to a book "Bad Boyfriends" the title is a little misleading because it's really about learning more about Attachment Styles, and how to identify and avoid negative impact styles in other people.

If I'm drawn to those types of men it is completely unconscious and I'm completely unaware of it. I guess that doesn't feel right. and thank you!

My concern about what you shared is how you wondered if YOU did something wrong. Truth is, some people are hard to get to know and develop a relationship with. Each person you come across will have their own history and some have challenging histories that have left them insecure when it comes to developing relationships with others. You may wonder if there is something wrong with you when someone steps away, however often it is more about how the other person is afraid to go any further because they don't know HOW.

This relationship forum is the most active of all the forums on this site, a close second is the depression forum. This relationship forum is full of threads asking "how do I deal with this and that?". It's actually proof of how so many people, including yourself simply don't "know how" in so many aspects of having a healthy relationship with another individual. I will say though, when you come across someone who is uncomfortable talking on the phone, often this is so because the individual doesn't know HOW and gets very uncomfortable when it comes to having conversations. I remember my daughter having this problem when she was younger with a young boy who called her and would not talk. My suggestion to her was that before she talked to him to sit down and come up with a list of questions she could ask him, things SHE could talk about to help him slowly get more comfortable about talking to her. So, she did just what I suggested and this young man NEVER forgot her for that because she was the first person he began to feel more comfortable with when it came to sitting and talking on the phone. This young man's parents were divorced, he lived with his father who was always busy so he did not really have anyone take an interest in him, spend time with him and sit and TALK to him, nor did he get to see two people "his parents" sit and talk to each other in a healthy way either. Not to mention that when it comes to "boys" they tend to have a harder time when it comes to using language too when they are little and they are ususally more physically active first.

As far as "am I drawn to these kind of males?", that's a good question as often females are drawn to something that is "familiar" unknowingly, like males that are similar to their father. It's actually "natural" to be drawn to things that are familiar so it's good to pay attention to this in that familiar may not be the safest or wisest choice.

@Open Eyes I was definitely not skillful at some points. Thank you for your insight into the possibilities of why he acted the way he did. My communication, like I said, could have been better at some points and I think a lot if this had to do w fear in me. I may not be ready for a relationship. At least not with him. I genuinely like him. But I'd just been rejected by someone else, and this was sort of a rebound in the end. However, I also realized I genuinely like him too. I just couldn't deal w anymore rejection.

I have to go to work. I will write more later. Not much time atm!

((WovenGalaxy)), it's really OK to sit and review an experience and recognize one's own lack of skills to handle whatever challenged them and did not end well. Each person has to LEARN when it comes to relationships and we actually do this our entire lives. Just about every person that is older will say "Wish I knew then what I know now". Pretty much every human being has skeletons in their closet too. So whenever you encounter a person you are just seeing the part of them that fashioned a protective coat as a way of self protecting. Some people have figured out how to APPEAR OR SEEM nice when they have a whole other side to them you don't get to experience or see right away and that part can prove to be more than you care to deal with or know how to deal with.

I am sorry that you experienced someone that hurt you in some way and you are just trying to venture out once again to try again. You know, being hurt doesn't always mean that we are rejected because we are simply "not good enough" either. Unfortunately, the way our overall education system is set up tends to imprint us with an ongoing message of if you don't get everything right, you are not "good enough". Truth is, a person can get everything right on some test and be good at memorizing, yet, be lousy at a lot of other important things. Truth is, each person we encounter is yet another encounter to learn something from and you are simply NEVER going to know how to respond to everyone that presents you with some new unknown challenge.

When someone distances or they suddenly break a relationship off with you, it's not always YOUR fault. Often it's more in that this other person doesn't want to invest the time it takes to build a healthy relationship. This can happen for reasons that genuinely have nothing to do with you at all, but their own inability to go any farther then they have gone with you and these indivdiuals often don't really go any further with "anyone" either due to lack of knowledge and ability or "know how".

Open Eyes, I haven't read your response yet but here's some things I have to say about the situation. I answered my own question in my first post. My original post. And then in my next post as well. I really liked this guy. I still like him. I also don't think I should contact him. I'm not in a place right now to be rejected again. Or hurt. Over the span of about 2 months we were on and off talking to each other. Here are some of the things he said to me that raised Flags: I'm afraid to give up my bachelor life. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you because of my issues. My life is great but I don't have a good romantic life. I want to be friends. You're the first person who made me feel like I wanted to be in a relationship in a really long time. Sometimes I feel a little sad talking to you.

Here are some other thoughts if mine. We both have issues. I just couldn't deal with the mixed messages. It truly stressed me out. One thing I'm learning is being in a relationship is a risk for rejection. So is dating. I have had many many many bad experiences from dating men from online sites. I didn't want to do that again. My guard was up. And I'm finished with dating sites. It was around that time that I was realizing that I was finished with online dating that we started talking from OkCupid. I understand that there is a risk involved in dating and in relationships. I think I'm really realizing that. I just don't know if I want to get hurt right now. I need time to build back my self-esteem up. I really do think this guy is an amazing person. But he hasn't returned the texts that I have sent him. However unskillful they were.

I sometimes think about seeing him somewhere in a cafe a year from now. I'm feeling better he's feeling better and we're both stronger people. Maybe we can get together then. Maybe not. I don't know.

I guess I have learned something about myself. Relationships are complicated and beautiful they take a s*** ton of communication. I prefer to do that communication in person not texting especially the important stuff. I think it's okay to have a preference. I also think we have to compromise are preferences sometimes too.

Also this wasn't a relationship. I do sometimes think I have a tendency to move quickly in dating. Maybe it's because if I like someone I don't want them dating other people. To me it feels shity. I think these are all valid things and they're also things that I can learn to work on. I want to build my Foundation and make it solid. I think I can date. It doesn't mean I shouldn't date. But I'm kind of moving towards just building that solid foundation. And I think the things I've learned are very valuable.

@Open Eyes , thank you for your words of wisdom

It's perfectly ok to like someone, even still like them. Perhaps you shared some good moments with him where you made some personal connections. There is really nothing wrong with that either, after all you are only human.

When someone says things like this "believe them" and begin looking for another partner. Just because someone is on one of these dating sites doesn't mean they are necessarily ready for a relationship, and sometimes they are just exploring or window shopping or tire kicking with no intention of buying anything. That is pretty much what this guy is saying to you too.