When people have different rules for different people

I've always wondered why some people will create different rules for different people. For example, someone may be okay with another person doing something but if it's anyone else, they get mad. Like, I once knew someone who would make inappropriate jokes that she thought were funny and she was okay with it when a couple other people would do that, but if anyone else did it, she would get mad at them and call them immature. I also knew someone that was okay with certain friends friends to be around them as much as they wanted to and she would even be that way towards them, but then if any other friends were to do the same thing, she would get mad and call them clingy.

It can happen at work too. I have a coworker that will be okay with others approaching her to talk while she is doing something small while if some other people do it, she gets annoyed. Is this due to people feeling closer to some people while not as close to others? I've always wondered that. In a way, it can make it seem unfair as to why they may treat you a certain way, especially if it's them not wanting you to do something, while it's perfectly okay for others to do it. Is it also some form of control as well? I know in some cases it is because someone may not feel as close to a person as they may to another one. But I've wondered if there are any other reasons, like possibly a form of control or something else. Just wondered.

To me, the bottom line on this kind of behavior is that it is really manipulation. You have different rules for different people and situations. By definition, that is an unprincipled approach to people and life. You have no guiding principles or ethics or sense of what is the right way and what is the wrong way to treat humans. You go with the wind. Whatever happens to work in a given moment to get you what you want is what you do. Maybe you want or need something from the person or you expect something from them down the road, so you let them get away with making a bigoted remark. I personally don't think it's about feeling close to someone, I think it is about power. These manipulators are exerting their power by what they do. And I don't think they are very nice people.

I agree. I do believe there can be manipulation involved in some cases.

Because so many people are wildly different, human interaction is extremely nuanced, and if you tried creating a rigid values system for all the people you come across, you'd drive yourself mad. To an extent, we all make concessions for people we like. Everyone is a bit biased at times. It's good to be aware of it, especially when it comes to making a decision that could have widespread consequences (e.g. hiring incompetent people because they're your friends), but I wouldn't agonize over it such that you attempt to create a rigid values system for every casual acquaintance.

As for why, it could be several reasons. It could be deliberate manipulation. The classic example would be the person who laughs at stupid jokes because they want to have sex with the person making the joke, not because they think the joke is funny. It could be unintentional cognitive bias. Maybe you feel more of a connection with one person because you have a shared interest or you're in the same group or whatever, so you allow more stupid jokes from that person than you would otherwise. Usually, I think, it's just because you know the person better. I enjoy very dark jokes, but I wouldn't if it was coming from a stranger (unless it's a real zinger ), for obvious reasons.

On the other hand, I don't find anything wrong with this sort of behavior:

... but apparently:

So probably I'm a bad person. I still think I'm right to an extent, and what's "appropriate" lies somewhere between me and bpcyclist. I'd be interested to see what others think.

People DO have different rules for different people. You are noticing it in what is being said, but there have been studies done of "personal space" - who we let stand close to us and what it means about our relationship.

This is an interesting topic and I like reading the various responses. I don’t think any one viewpoint anybody here posted on this subject is wrong. I think sometimes there is manipulation going on in relationships - probably often. Sometimes people do truly connect though and they just relate to each other well. They might not realize they are treating other people differently but I’m guessing in some cases they do and don’t care.

I often have a hard time understanding why I’m on the outside looking in. I guess it’s what I am doing or the way I am and I don’t understand it. In some cases, like at work, I’m glad I remain an outsider to an extent because it keeps me out of any negativity or drama. I don’t get special treatment but I also stay out of trouble.

With friendships I feel sad that I tend to be more of an outsider and people seem to treat each other different than me. In some cases I’ve been glad because it turned out the relationship wasn’t a good one for me after all... but in other cases I feel sad that I didn’t form a closer bond.

Yeah I can see what you mean. To an extent we all do this. It may seem unfair at times but it happens. Yeah it can depend how comfortable you are with someone else too.

Yeah true.

Yeah I agree. I am the same way. I’m usually an outsider looking in so that could be why I notice it more. As of work, yes I am more of a loner but I am okay with it as well because it keeps me from drama and negativity. Still annoys me when I’m excluded from work related topics but I don’t care about drama. In terms of friendships, I’m like you too. I am usually an outsider and wish I could be treated the same way as well. In fact, I usually take me being treated differently than others as a sign that they don’t feel that close to me as they do to others.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I believe everyone does this to an extent. I certainly do; and the WHY is, because I don't have the same relationship with a person I've met twice, as I do with, say, my sister. She can get away with certain things that would get New Aquaintance a (metaphorical) smack across the face. Same goes for other long-term friendships; and they differ in depth as well as length.

But if you are saying this is happening at work, then it IS a problem. Management should treat everybody equally. And there really should not be a hostile work environment created for certain individuals, for whatever reason.

Then again, not being able to decipher social rules might be a sign of being on the spectrum? What they used to call Asperger's? Because this problem seems to be coming up a lot for you in general. I have the same problem, kinda - people either love me or hate me. Or used to - i pretty much avoid people now.

Yeah in that aspect I totally understand. I do that too, everyone does to an extent in that case.

I’m not on the spectrum, just very awkward. I went to school that didn’t provide very good social opportunities and I was left with very little knowledge when I left. I have gotten better but I can see why some people may think I’m on the spectrum.

Hey @bpcyclist, I see what your point is but do not totally agree. I know what you mean by someone who changes with the wind, an opportunist. I see this as a negative but I do think being closer to certain people changes the way our jokes are between each other and personal experiences matter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist To me, the bottom line on this kind of behavior is that it is really manipulation. You have different rules for different people and situations. By definition, that is an unprincipled approach to people and life. You have no guiding principles or ethics or sense of what is the right way and what is the wrong way to treat humans. You go with the wind. Whatever happens to work in a given moment to get you what you want is what you do. Maybe you want or need something from the person or you expect something from them down the road, so you let them get away with making a bigoted remark. I personally don't think it's about feeling close to someone, I think it is about power. These manipulators are exerting their power by what they do. And I don't think they are very nice people.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and work with other alcoholic addicts. Amongst us all we may make jokes about our past substance use or being a drunk and its fine. We both shared that experience and commisterate over it. I have gay friends that make jokes that are offensive if anyone else said them but between them its ok and I think this is because of a shared experience. I think some people have lower tolerances for people at different times. I have one friend who is so scattered and all over the place that I need to prepare when I socialize with her. I adore her and she is a good friend but a lot to take. I do not think this makes me a manipulator or someone looking to be in power or control. Do you see what I mean? Am I misunderstanding you or are we sort of on the same plane?

Because there's frequently not one size that fits all. Whether that is primarily due to favoritism or necessity is another matter.

Yeah I agree with you. Everyone is like that. In terms of the whole friend thing you mentioned, I'm the same way with my friend. She has ADHD and can be extremely hyper. Not only that but she is so forgetful and scattered brained that she could easily come off as flaky and not giving a crap. I've learned to know the difference. And yes, I am more tolerant of her behaviors because I know that part of it is due to her ADHD so some of the stuff she does I usually let it go more so than if someone else who does not have the same issues and had no reason to be extremely forgetful and scatter brained acted like her as well. So yeah, it all depends.

Yeah true.

No, we're on the same page. I was referring specifically to a case where, given an absolutely identical set of facts, a person treats two comparable, non-disabled people completely differently, simply because of who they happen to be. Obviously, I would not have the exact same conversation with my sweet Down Syndrome neighbor as I will with the accountant down the hall about the details of the fire we just had on the third floor. That would be inappropriate on my part and this is not manipulation. It's being compassionate and socially appropriate.

I agree and yeah it makes sense.

With in our parents household,I witnessed this a lot.My parents were more lenient towards my siblings.They could get away with anything.If they said they were hungry,they were provided with food.If I said I was hungry,I was either beaten by my mom or scolded by my dad because I was being bratty.I never understood the differential treatment though.