Cheating wife

I don’t even know how to start. It’s a long story. Basically, about 3 years ago I started noticing things and behaviors about my wife. I started to get more suspicious, and started investigating more and more. For about 2 years earlier she told me her friend could use some help at her business, to make a little money. It was for the weekend and that instead of traveling the hours that she could just sleep the weekends at her friends house. I bought it all that time. It even got to the point that our kids were getting upset that mom was not home on the weekends. And I had to convince the kids that’s it’s ok moms just trying to make some extra money. Also, many times, a day or two per week she would go out at night and come back late. She would tell me she’s hanging out with her friends. Or have a PTA meeting and they went out afterwards. She would constantly text and be on the phone all the time though out the day. Even till late at night. I know she is a very social person and she has lots of friends so I thought nothing of it. We’ve been married for 24 years now. It’s been an ok marriage. I’ve always been I quite person and she knows that. But me pretty much being the only income, owning a home and 2 kids made us very behind on bills and mortgage many times. Did bankruptcy twice, have no 401k left because I kept using it to save the house. Borrowed thousands from my parents. Only having sex about 10 times a year made me more quite. At the time the kids were 11 and 15. I first noticed something was up when we were away and having sex, and I was sure she said his name. It got very quite all of a sudden. At the time I told myself maybe I was mistaken. A couple of weeks later I seen a text from him, by accident. It said hi baby I’m home, give me a call, love you. Then I started looking into things more, and thought maybe I heard what I heard that night. I found out his numbers and turns out they texted a few thousand times a month and talked for hours a month on the phones. Some more time went on and one day my daughter came to me, she was 16 or 17 at the time, and showed me a love letter she wrote to him and it was a little sensual. My daughter also seen some Facebook and text messaging as time went on the iPad was linked to my wife’s phone it turns out. I went to my wife about this, she got very angry at me and denied and told some stories about all these things I told her. I did not believe it at all, but it did not matter. More time went on. And I really started watching. I’ve seen him drop my wife home 2 times in the middle of the night. One time I waited outside, he drops her off at the side of the driveway behind my truck. And she said her friend did not want to pull in so she does not have to back out. But I know it was not her car she insisted it was. Then they started to leave our car at Walmart for the weekend. And he picks her up from Walmart. That took me a while to figure out. Time goes by. I’ve seen him drop her off at Walmart 3 times. I’ve found cards he gave to her, pretty much saying how much he loves her, happy anniversary cards and so on. She said it was from a very long time ago. But back then they had no websites. It did not matter what I told her. More time passed I dug deep turns out she was staying at his house most of the times they would go and do all kind of things together like no care in the world. I met them one night at Walmart. Still denies the seriousness of their relationship. Nothings going on just friends only. Angry and fighting with me. Week or so later. Thru my sources, I hear some disturbing things and I know they are not going to stop. I got very angry and said I was devorcing her. She said she was going to stop that our marriage will be better then ever. So I gave it more time. But it turns out, as time went on they still talk and text a lot. Went to them a couple of times to tell them to stop. They said ok that nothings going on they are just friends, that I can trust them. Ok. I kept watching. Time went on and I heard some very disturbing things, thru my resources. At this time she thinks I’ve forgot about what’s been going on. She does not know that I know she’s in love with him and they talk/text constantly. And more than friendship talk. They talk about how much they miss each other. Miss all the things they did together and even the sex. She has no clue of how much I know. It’s starting to really bother me, I constantly think about it everyday. I know she loves me, and I really love her also and our marriage is better then it ever was. Still don’t have sex as much as I like but it is more. But I do not like the idea she’s ln love with someone else also.. it messes me up inside bad. I’m trying to live with that and our money problems still. I’m having a hard time and could use some help/advice. I’m afraid of devorce. I will not get devorced and it’s my fault she can not have a guy friend and that I’m not secure about it. She will make everybody think it’s my fault. And I don’t want that. Please help.

Hello Bobspace: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Honestly I don't know what type of help I could offer. You've put up with all of this for 3 years. And you concluded your post saying your marriage is better than it was (although your wife is apparently still stepping out on you) & you won't consider divorce. It seems to me you've already decided to simply live with things the way they are... perhaps until your wife makes the decision to divorce you?

You wrote you do not like the idea your wife is in love with someone else & it messes you up inside. However you're afraid of divorce. So you will not get divorced. And you added it’s your fault your wife cannot have a guy friend and that you're not secure about it. She will make everybody think it’s your fault. And you don’t want that. So I take it from that what you're looking for here is advice on how to accept being taken advantage of basically. I don't know what type of advice would be useful for that.

Anyway... here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help in sorting this plus a link to Abe Kass's blog: "Surviving Infidelity":

Girls Gone Wild… Why Women Cheat

Those Cheating Hearts

How to Heal from Infidelity

Affair Recovery: Jealousy, Forgiveness and Building Trust

Now That You Know: 10 Tips for Surviving Infidelity

https://psychcentral.com/blog/gettin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-esse...rom-an-affair/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/dealing-with-betrayal/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...h-7-stressors/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infidelity/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Here are links to 2 additional articles, from Psych Central's archives, that may (hopefully) be helpful with simply allowing things to be what they are:

Learning to Let Go and Trust the Flow of Life -- Even If It's Destructive

10 Ways To Cope When Your Life Seems Out Of Control | Cultivating Contentment & Happiness

That how it start out in my family. Start gathering evidence and file a restraining order against the guy so that he can't come to your residence them provide her the evidence of her cheating have a lawyer present that she is not aware of and have the lawyer put in English this is cheating

I would suggest you find a Therapist to talk about everything that has been going on and your still not wanting to divorce. You need help to process all this. Maybe learn how to have an open marriage??

One thing you do need to pay attention too is that your daughter is aware of her cheating. Children learn from there parents so much about how a relationship works , with love and respect hopefully, cheating is neither of those.

Would you want your daughter to accept that when she’s in a serious relationship or married that it’s okay if boyfriend or husband has another lover and it be okay since Dad accepted it ??

Just something to think about.

If you are still having sex with her, she could give you a disease. Yes, see a therapist to figure out what you want to do. If she loved you, she wouldn't be cheating. You can't worry about what others think.

That great advice.

That great advice.

Well, you've said that you do not want Divorce, but it doesn't seem like staying in this Marriage is benefiting you that much. I COMPLETELY agree with what ALL the other wise and wonderful posters have already WISELY and WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I POSSIBLY EVER COULD IN MY WHOLE AND ENTIRE LIFE! Please do consider seeing a Therapist. At the very least, that will help you clarify things in your mind! After that, it will be your decision whether you want to Divorce from Her or not. I think it's important to consider ALL aspects and opinions in this, including your Children's well-beings. Consider your decisiona dn see how it goes from there! I also believe it is important to talk to your Wife about ALL of this before making a definitive decision, although it seems like she's already made a decision in her Mind. You do deserve to be respected! So please, do stand up for yourself and your own needs! You deserve to be happy! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need to and want to! I am SURE plenty of others will be REALLY GLAD AND REALLY HAPPY to help you as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Bobspace, your Family, your Friends, your Wife, your Children, your Relatives, your Therapists, your Pdocs, your Doctors, your Nurses and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?

Thank you all for your feedback, it’s nice to know that someone out there is even listening. I did read some of those links, good info, thanks. At this point, it does seem like I need help living with it. My last chance for her is if she is still going to try to see each other again. So far it has not happened. With the stuff that I read, they say if the other person does not cut it off , The chances of things being fixed will not happen. My daughter is fine, I don’t think she thinks about it anymore.

Those are great links.I wish that I had that thought about that myself.

Those are great links. I wish that I had that thought about that myself.

How old are you children now??

Hey @Bobspace

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bobspace I got very angry and said I was devorcing her. She said she was going to stop that our marriage will be better then ever. So I gave it more time. But it turns out, as time went on they still talk and text a lot. Went to them a couple of times to tell them to stop. They said ok that nothings going on they are just friends, that I can trust them. Ok. I kept watching. Time went on and I heard some very disturbing things, thru my resources. At this time she thinks I’ve forgot about what’s been going on. She does not know that I know she’s in love with him and they talk/text constantly. And more than friendship talk. They talk about how much they miss each other. Miss all the things they did together and even the sex. She has no clue of how much I know. It’s starting to really bother me, I constantly think about it everyday. I know she loves me, and I really love her also and our marriage is better then it ever was. Still don’t have sex as much as I like but it is more. But I do not like the idea she’s ln love with someone else also.. it messes me up inside bad. I’m trying to live with that and our money problems still. I’m having a hard time and could use some help/advice.

I do not believe this is love from your wife. How could she take advantage of you and hurt you like this, no matter how long you have been married? I have been married 24 years and it would devastate me.

Quote:

I’m afraid of devorce. I will not get devorced and it’s my fault she can not have a guy friend and that I’m not secure about it. She will make everybody think it’s my fault. And I don’t want that. Please help.

she is cheating on you and it doesnt matter what other people think. The facts matter.

That great advice.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now and that you have to go through this.

This is not your fault. Cheater always blame others for their action instead of themselves. You are not stopping her from having make friends your asking her to stop cheating on you. She shouldn't be hanging out with this guy so much.