And now his mother is involved....

Short synopsis of my ongoing situation:
Husband admitted to using cocaine, drinks a lot, one instance of physical violence.

Heres the next part of my saga.

Since finding out about the cocaine we had a talk and he had been doing good. He hadn't drank at all and was making more of an effort to pay attention to me and our marriage. Then one slip up and everything is in turmoil again.

I threw him a 30th birthday party Saturday. He had some drinks there but was fine, until we left. We had a great conversation about how he was doing so well and I was proud of him and talked ti him about my feelings on thr drugs and the lying. He told me he didnt wasnt to do anything to lose me, that he wanted to have kids. I said then we both needed to make healthier decisions and be better with our money (my issue is unhealthy eating/ going out to eat toi much, I do tend to spend a lot).

We met up at one of his friends houses and he had a couple more beers. Those 2 beers must have pushed him over the edge. We got home and he was on his phone. I asked who he was talking to, since it was midnight. He said ok I'm sorry I was aking for some coke and then told the guy nevermind. All I said was ok and walked away. I was pssed and disappointed but knew that arguing with him at this point would only make things worse. So I just went to go to bed. Had I been given time to process I would have told him the next day that I was happy he decided not to get the drugs and that it was a good step. But he immediately started yelling at me after I walked away, saying I put him down and that all i do is yell at him.

When he went to bed i looked at his phone yo make sure he wasn't asking anyone else for drugs. I sae that he had texted his mother saying that i was pissed at him and that it was his own fault for going in on this toxic marriage.

Then there were the old texts from the week I stayed at my parents. Where his mother said I was playing games by staying with my parents, that he should leave to make me wonder, and that she was pissed because I do everything I can to help me brother (who is in rehab for heroin) and wouldn't help my husband. She told him to throw that in my face, that I help my brother

The difference is that my brother knows he has a problem and has been asking for help for years. My husband doesnt think he has a problem.

So I talked to some of my friends, was up til 4 am because I was so upset and couldn't sleep. One of my friends posted on my facebook saying that I have a heart of gold and that I deserve the world and deserve to be respected. My mother in law took offense to that and posted on his wall "you're a good boy I love you" and when my mom posted an uplifting post about strong women and told me that my kindness and willingness to help people is always appreciated, his mother posted on her own Facebook "what a joke". She claims it wasnt about me, but I feel it was. And then 5 mins later texted me thanking me for giving her the paper plates left over from the party. I told her no problem. 2 hours later she says that she was going to reimburse me. I'm not sure where that came from.

But now she wants me to go to her house to talk to her. I feel so anxious about it.

While all this is going on my brother is not doing well. Hes clean but his mental and emotional state is awful, I'm terrified that he is either suicidal or going to relapse. My nieces were taken by dcf and I've visited them for 2 hours since Aug 9. I saw my nephew once since july. And those kids were a huge part of my life. My recently deceased grandmothers birthday is in 2 days. I'm so overwhelmed

That's a lot of stuff to go through! Take it one day at the time. I believe it is actually good that His Mother is inviting you over. You'll have have a chance to talk things over with her! Just explain to her how you feel and talk to her about ALL of this. Be Honest and see how it goes from there! I am so sorry about your Brother! You are already doing a lot by helping him and your Nieces/His Children. I am also TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOSS AS WELL! Try to keep your Grandmother in your heart and I'm sure she'll appreciate it! Please take things slowly and one step at the time. You deserve to feel better! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need someone to talk to or vent to! I am SURE plenty of others will be REALLY HAPPY AND REALLY GLAD to help you out in any way, method, shape or form that they can help you with! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY AND UNDENIABLY COUNT ON US ANDABSOLUTELY AND UNDENIABLY RELY ON US! PLEASE DO GET THE HELP YOU NEED AND DESERVE, FOR BOTH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ESPECIALLY! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH YOU, @TheOutsider90, your Family, your Friends, your Husband, your Brother, your Grandmother and ALL of your Loved Ones! Just try to stay close to your Husband and be near him! Support him when he needs it and make him understand that you'll ALWAYS be ther when he DOES decide to give up his drinking for good! You're still in time to save your Marriage but of course that depends on HIM and not only you! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?

Here is my insight from a much older person. Do you need this kind of drama in your life? There are many mature men willing to be there for you as well as the other way around. It’s not supposed to be ALL about him, especially if you start a family. I would definitely put limits on how long you are going to put up with the chaos.

I think what is bothering me most is that I always put everyone before myself. Always.... and ive stood by him through a lot. His drinking has caused problems with us I'm the past, a lot of fighting over it. And in june was when it got physical, and I stayed with him with the promise that he was going to stop drinking.

The day I found out he was doing cocaine I left to think everything through. I left for myself and gor once in my life put myself first. And both he and his mother are treating me as if I'm a terrible person for doing so.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now.

Dealing with individuals that have problems with alcohol and drug addictions tends to be "all about them" and even when they are sober, it tends to be all about staying sober and going to meetings. Often once a person gets sober they find out they have ptsd issues and ran from their issues to the alcohol.

Your husband needs to quit drinking period and go to meetings and also get therapy to help him get to his core issues and finally grow up and not punish others for his problems.

I am very sorry to learn your brother is struggling with herion addiction. That is a very hard challenge and often begins by being prescribed pain medications that are very addictive.

Your husband's mother is enabling her son and should not be blaming you for anything. It's certainly not YOUR fault your husband has a problem with alcohol and cocaine.

You're married to an addict who isn't in recovery at all. Hasn't even made a step to get help. Is that who you want to have children with? A sensible person would say no. Cut your losses now, it probably won't get better.

Maybe if he was the only man on this planet, you’d have a reason to stay with such a man (even then probably not), but there are many many many excellent men out there. Not sure why you choose this kind of life when you can have a great life

I had to read twice about having kids with this man. I am still not 100% sure I read it right. There is a discussion about bringing up children in a household with abusive drug addict/alcoholic? Two consensual adults could of course choose to live horrible lives but why bring innocent kids to this?

Honestly I think you would benefit by seeing a Therapist ( I’m not sure you might already ) to process things.

I’d file for divorce. I’m not sure if you own property together of course that can take a bit longer to separate financially waiting for it to sell.

But if your really wanting to stay and “hope” he stays sober and clean and not become abusive again and I say “ hope” because honestly you can’t help him” he has to want it.

I absolutely would not bring a child into this marriage. Until he has at least a couple years of him being clean and sober 100%

And I’d block his Mom on Facebook who needs her drama??? No one

I’m sorry about your brother I hope he’s able to stay safe.

Do not have kids. This will be unfair to the kids you have and you will bring them into a world of addiction and chaos

I agree with everyone else: enough is enough.

First, get off facebook it's been the worst thing for any relationship in so many cases it's ridiculous. this bickering that goes on on facebook is a situation where you can't escape because it's always in your face. the sideways insults are common like your mother in law did and the going back and forth looking for support, encouragement and using it to insult others in the same stream is just so high school. it's not good for you, your husband or the other people that see all of this and tbh I feel even if you are ok with fb in general, at the moment it's really bad for your own mental health and well being. no I didn't mention the health of your marriage because frankly, and I'm sorry, i'm blunt, there seems to be very little hope for your addict husband. it's a kind of codependent cycle he's in. he stops and says enough to appease you for awhile just to get on your good side then he goes back to his vomit which is the drugs and alcohol. His mother is the enabler and he allows that. With you up against that kind of a formidable opponent, i'm not sure you'll break through to him. as it seems you've tried to hold him accountable but it is clearly not working.

My very straight forward solution would be to get out. But that's your decision to take what I've said or leave it. that's what I would do.

That is great advice. I wish that I had that thought about that myself.

That is great advice.

*** LINKS TO BLOG POSTS WITH EXPLICIT LANGUAGE ***

What's he doing running to Mommy at age thirty? Say "GROW THE CLUCK UP," somebody!

So now it's gone way past enabling and bullying -- making you doubt your own perception is gaslighting! That worsens the matter a hundredfold!

Joke's on you, Mommy-in-law -- it's not her job to "untangle your son's skein!"**

Please add my agreement. All the usual issues plus mother-enmeshment is bad news indeed.

{{{{{ The Outsider90 }}}}}

**Note: The links here are to one of my favorite blogs, Chump Lady. While it's a support site for victims of infidelity, much of her advice is useful in other matters of dysfunction as well. Under "Chumps Decoded" is a post called "Untangling the Skein of F***upedness." I tried to post a direct link, but since the URL contains the f-word, Psych Central's software censors it, causing a "Page Not Found" error. Sorry.

He has no desire to change and his family and even you are enabling him.

Exactly a year ago 11/11/18 he stole money from you, did drugs and yelled at you. Nothing changed for the better.