Repair Relationships?

I’m feeling sad and it’s an uncomfortable, anxious feeling that my relationships with my family members are estranged.

Do I want to ‘repair’ them or just get used to the new reality they are estranged?

Specifically, are my sisters. Both showed zero empathy and concern for me through what was a very painful situation. So, if I ‘repair’ with them, it means that I call them and act like nothing ever happened. Then there is that the nature of the relationships were not good and I’d need to change to something that a long-distance sister relationship is supposed to be... which I am not sure exactly what that looks like.

Seriously, would we talk about recipes?

I’ll never get an apology for how I was treated.

It would just be some fake occasional contact.

But would that make me feel a better comforting feeling like I do have family? Should I just do fake for the pleasant delusion?

I am going to quote from Sarahsweets (Everytime I set boundaries with people it makes me anxious) since she has a better handle on this than I do:

Reasons poor boundaries and anxiety go together.
So why does this happen? The subject of our example illustrates a common way poor boundaries yield anxiety. She felt as though she had to talk to her sister—almost as if she didn’t have a choice. Listening to her sister, making sure she didn’t feel disappointed, angry, or hurt (which the sister might have felt had our subject cut the conversation short) took priority over what she needed for own life—managing the to-do list and not overextending herself. She tried to make her sister happy and took responsibility for her sister’s feelings, blurring their boundaries. By doing something she didn’t want to do (talk for an hour), she effectively allowed herself to matter less than her sister. The result: anxiety. Does any of this sound familiar in your life?

I will add this though--you matter!!!! Every single one of us do!!! None of us should feel guilty about putting ourselves first. We can't be our best selves unless we do sometimes. You have nothing to feel guilty of:
YouTube

There was the fallout I had with the whole family last year over basically nothing. There was never any repairation from that, except that I continued to keep in touch with my Mom and try to not fight with her anymore. Then this further fallout happened with my son. My mom was hurt by him, too. There was much conversation between her and my sisters about that, but neither of them ever called me to even say they were sorry it was happening. Both sisters seem to me to have been supportive to my son, because neither said one word of support to me, and one went to the wedding despite no one else on our side did.

So I take it all at what it seems. They don’t like me. Did they ever? Was it that we had one disagreement over something unimportant and they turned to enemies?

Now my mom has a pattern to act like nothing happened, don’t ever apologize, just erase and move on. So I am thinking I can do the same with my sisters if I choose to call them. Neither of them have ever called me again aside from one contact about necessary information.

Would it make me feel more comfortable to know I had to swallow my pride, call someone who I mean nothing to, and make some bs smalltalk?

Maybe in time the anxiety lessens and it’s better to keep to people who truly like and care about me.

I have a couple of friends who have been wonderfully supportive in this, and I really appreciate them! I’m a likable person. I didn’t do anything to warrant being disliked and mistreated like this. So what’s their beef?

Believe it or not, it may be as ridiculously simple as they think we have different political affiliations as they do— which we really don’t! Sometimes someone’s reason for hating you is as stupid as that!

I bring up the political thing because that was the reason for the fallout last year. I made one comment because I kept an open mind and they went for my blood like hungry sharks!

I've been through this with my own sister. There is history there -- very serious history that could have left us forever estranged.

But time has been healing for our relationship. I think we both reached a place where we know we can't change what happened, but we can share our present and future. That past doesn't have to completely cut us off from each other unless we make that choice.

I didn't have to have an apology, not directly. What I did get over time was a sense that she did want a present and future with me in her life, and I wanted the same with her. We've basically set that past asid. It happened. Keeping the past as a wall between us wasn't healthy for either of us. We essentially chose to let that history go and move forward. I guess it was a process of forgiveness for both of us.

What do you make of when that person simply never calls you again, like for a year...never? Especially when they were the one who was hurtful to you?

I’ve had this happen from quite a few ‘loved ones’.

I never did anything like that to any one else.

Thanks for your help, guys.

The one sister, who at least I was able to wrangle out a word of empathy when I outright asked her how she felt about it and why she didn’t ever offer one word of support. I gave her a call today, planning on some light small talk to keep in touch, but she didn’t pick up and didnt return the call.

The other sister, I’m just not comfortable to call and act like nothing happened.

Boy, I really did it with straining relationships now. I don’t think I was wrong. It’s just unfortunate, and it sure doesn’t make me look good in anyone’s eyes. This is embarrassing, but I’m venting about it anyway.

I recently read that family estrangement is a silent epidemic. I also read that it’s the loss of family support even if you do talk to each other sometimes.

It sounds like you want to have a good relationship with your family, even if there are conflicts sometimes you still love them. It doesn’t seem like they want the same thing - unless they actually just like all the conflict and drama. All that conflict and drama is very destructive.

I think what makes me the most unhappy is when I can’t or won’t accept things for what they are. I understand your heartache and the anxiety that comes with this stressful family situation. I wonder if you would feel less anxiety if you worked on accepting your family situation for what it is?

In situations like this I ask myself what can I live with. What can you do that makes you feel the best about yourself but also helps you let go of what you can’t control?

You’re right. They don’t seem to want the relationship. 😰. I wish I understood why. Maybe it is an epidemic. We all live in different towns far away, so maybe they don’t care because they don’t have to see me. I was such a good sister, went to visit them. Never the other way around. I only got visited sometimes because they visited my mom who I live close to.

There are times I have driven myself crazy trying to understand things like this.

It’s not really possible to understand something if you don’t have all the information and they are not talking to you about it.

Maybe you can have an occasional chat with them about recipes or the weather and just be as kind as possible and move on. Plan something nice for yourself once you get off the phone with them to distract yourself from how upset you feel. That’s the best I can come up with. Sometimes all we can do is maintain a polite distance because that’s what other people want. I know you feel sad because you were a good sister and you just wanted the same in return. I know it hurts. I’m very sorry.

I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. It is so difficult. Families are just a pain in the butt, IMO. I mean, really. would we put up with this kind of crap from anyone else? Probably not. But they're "family," so we suck it up. We let them get away with stuff we would never allow a non-family member to get away with. Lots of free passes. Oh well, that's just my sister. She's a handful. What are you gonna do?

I honestly don't know what you should do, @TishaBuv. But I do firmly believe this. Your number 1 priority in all this sister/mom stuff should be you and your sanity and peace. You have your own life. You are not a child anymore. We're not in school. You have a son and friends and a life of your own. If your sisters don't want to have anything to do with you because you are a Democrat or Republican or Green or Independent or Communist, then maybe you should think about moving on. Or if they are mad for any other reason. Perhaps you ought to spend your mental energy on the people who do want to be in your life. Sure, they are technically and biologically your sisters. But that is no sort of guarantee of a great relationship, unfortunately. I think sometimes we see things in movies or on TV or in books that idealize these familial relationships, eSPECIALLY during the holidays, but the reality is, there are lots and lots and lots of families that are split apart for a million different reasons. I have a beautiful, loving, smart 11 year-old daughter that my older and only brother still has failed to acknowledge the existence of. No card, no call, no text, no flowers for her mother, no nothing. He was trying to make a point, being the hardass he thinks he is, after taking sides (my ex-wife's) in my long-ago divorce. Kensie's mother is the partner that followed my ex-wife. The ex-wife who bailed on me when I became manic the first time. So, Steve (brother) refuses to acknowledge that Kensie exists. He also discriminates against me massively because of my addiction and bipolar histories--that's a whole other novel. won't bore you.

So, my best counsel to you is to stop letting them get away with this. Don't let them hijack you. You are in charge of you. Don't put up with that stuff. Healthy relationships are two-way streets, not dead ends, irrespective of genetics.

I have not spoken to my brother in 7 years. He's my brother, but he's a jerk. I don't give it a second thought. I'd rather drink gasoline than hang out with him. I'm not actively angry or bitter anymore. I'm just finished. In my mind, he actually really isn't my family because to me, family means people who love us unconditionally. Without condition. I have never, ever gotten that from him. He couldn't get enough of me when I was at the top of my career and sort of well-known and bringing the kind of cache he so longed for to our last name. He just loooooved me then. Now, he won't talk to me. Hmm.

So, take care of you. Do what you need to do to maintain your sanity and happiness. Don't keep trying to put a square peg in a very round hole. It won't fit. It will just bring heartache. And you don't deserve that. You deserve to be happy and loved.

“I think sometimes we see things in movies or on TV or in books that idealize these familial relationships, eSPECIALLY during the holidays, but the reality is, there are lots and lots and lots of families that are split apart for a million different reasons.”

Yes, the way these relationships are idealized on TV, especially during the holidays torments me!

@bpcyclist I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your brother not acknowledging your daughter.

One of the most hurtful parts about what happened here with my family is that for the first time ever I showed a weakness due to having an emotional issue— and they all turned on me and never spoke to me again! I didn’t even do anything really bad, merely got upset and emotional— but that was enough for them to condemn me.

I guess they decided I wasn’t worth the effort to even talk to again.

Tisha Buv, I want to second all the other posters here. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this with your own flesh and blood family. You do not deserve to talk to a brick wall and their backs. You deserve to talk to receptive people who care too. Who don't just blame you for everything. Maybe this is a LOSS that you are GRIEVING. Makes sense! I love that bpcyclist said to spend time with and focus on people who want to be with you too. I agree. You seem like a lovely person deserving of people who love you and care. I know that it hurts and it totally makes sense to me that this would come up for you around the holidays, Including all those "family" holiday movies. My advice to you, if you want it, would be to not contact them. But I also want you to know I get that it hurts. A lot. Letting go and grieving is a process. Sometimes a long one.

Take care of YOURSELF. Post on PC, find ways to boost your self esteem, and learn what brings meaning to your life. Whatever you choose we are here for you.

I am sorry it hurts so much.

I have had to work at accepting people where they are at but also not feel like I am completely responsible for the relationship with my family. I spent so much time worrying about other family members and helping them that it may have contributed to their helplessness. I just give them space now and try to live my own life. I still help them or go visit sometimes but am also learning to make judgments on when enough is enough. I think my mom taught us to meet the needs of others but I am learning to look inside and do what is best for me instead of always doing for others. I still go back to people pleasing a lot but just try to be aware when I am doing that and try to find things that I enjoy too. The thing bpcyclist said about we put up with things from our family that we wouldn't from anyone else--so true for me!

I like how now it’s a thing to have Friendsgiving when your family is too dysfunctional to come over and share a lousy turkey. We have these friends we got so close with, they are coming for Thanksgiving and say we are better than family.

I think I’ll stop idealizing, stay away from the insipid TV holiday shows, and nurture the precious, good relationships I still have.

Family can be a real hair shirt sometimes.

I had never heard that expression and had to look it up. I leaned something! Thanks! Yes, they are itchy and annoying!