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Default Nov 08, 2019 at 07:06 AM
  #1
So, I am pretty skidish with guys because I do not want to get trapped in a bad relationship. But, with women I am usually pretty laid back. Unfortunately I find myself in a bad relationship with a woman at work.

She has the office next to mine and we are sort of alone together in a section of the building. I don't feel like I was crazy to make friends with her... I was just nice and eventually I saw her as someone who could help me avoid talking to other people. So we started going to the cafeteria and leaving at the same time.

The problem started when I started seeing her true nature.

1. Where I work there is a "mindset" that I thought I had left with other co workers. It is a toxic mindset. She has it. I starts with the "oh I am so busy" though, they are not. It continues on to an inability to work with computers and a weird obsession with one IT person. But the worst part... is trying to ruin it for everyone else. Always looking to see what others are doing and Narc on them.

2. All of this toxicity comes from her jealousy of others.
a. she constantly talks about how busy she is... but forgets she takes off at least 1 day per week in leave time -- while most don't.
b. she constantly is jealous of my "free time" since she has an elderly parent, but forgets I already had my free time.
c. she HATES someone who has an office near us but never says a word to her.. of course...she couldn't hate her if she ever confronted her... because she would be wrong. She hates this woman for no reason.
d. All of the drama she is jealous of others for -- she could change -- she just won't.

I would drop her like a hot potato but, I face this..

a. when I thought she was my friend I said things I wouldn't want repeated.
b. I have to work with her and so we will have to communicate.
c. No matter how much I avoid her.. she comes to find me.. I am pretty sure she senses I am trying to move away.

So how do I get away. I checked and she isn't facing retirement for 3 + years.
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Default Nov 08, 2019 at 07:22 AM
  #2
Can you just tell her, you need to change it up at lunch time, not have the same lunch mate every day? Some people like the security, some dont. I personally need to clear my head and not interact with anyone. Eating with the same person would be like another job within my job. Anyway, good luck.
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Default Nov 08, 2019 at 07:37 AM
  #3
You could invite someone else from work to join you both for lunch. This would stop her from the toxic talk because you would not be in private with her and bring a new person to the dynamic. Plus, it never hurts to make a new friend.

Your comment about she was someone who ‘could help you avoid talking to other people’ is maybe the exact opposite of what you should do... talk to other people, too. It’ll work itself out.

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Default Nov 08, 2019 at 11:00 AM
  #4
Not looking for details but wondering how damaging potentially her divulging what you confided in her might be. Because, if it's not, like, job-threatening, it is possible it could be worth the headache in order to rinse her out of your life. Maybe write out a quick pros and cons list?

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Lightbulb Nov 08, 2019 at 11:18 AM
  #5
Setting boundaries.

I created a thread on the differences between rigid boundaries and loose boundaries (ideally, somewhere in the middle works best, where boundaries are flexible): https://psychcentralforums.com/self-...gid+boundaries

Boundaries in the workplace may work differently from boundaries in personal relationships. For instance, you'd want to keep it personable yet professional.

You may or may not know whether your coworker is jealous or what her motives are. Who knows if she is displacing her stress from home onto others at work or vice versa. Who knows if she is dealing with mental illness, physical pain, grief and loss issues, etc. We may never know the true intentions of others. In personal relationships, we ask. In professional relationships, we don't. In any relationship, however, we see the behavior and how we react to it in our mind. We assess whether this is okay for us to engage in or not. We assess our own reactions to the situation. And then we inevitably take action of some kind.

If you are hearing gossip, for instance, you can set a flexible boundary that goes something like this with your coworker: While I appreciate your concerns and our chats in the past, I really do not feel comfortable with hearing about other coworkers going forward. I understand that you seem distressed over some of the things that you've been observing, but it might be helpful to speak with the person directly, a supervisor, or a support system outside of the office. For me, I try to see the good in everyone, and when something doesn't feel right between me and someone else, I will go to that person, just like I'm speaking with you in private. I maintain confidentiality with the things we speak about, but I also want my work experience to be enjoyable and most productive. When I take lunch, I like to relax, focus on things outside of work, and think positive thoughts. Have you ever tried that?"

The above example is flexible in that you are maintaining a relationship with your coworker, but you are setting a professional yet personable boundary at the same time. You are not accusing your coworker of anything, but you are explaining how you feel, what solutions work for you, and what questions you leave open for your coworker to answer or not. You don't get too personable, where you are leaving room for a "therapeutic" or "bff" relationship, but you don't get too rigid either, where you just cut the person off completely. You are trying to repair the relationship you have without being triangulated by that person's dealing with other people. You also don't want to invite another person into that conversation because then you'd be the one triangulating that through finding a "wingman" to witness what is going on. In this case, you can first work things out privately between you and this coworker, which demonstrates by action what professional relationships you'd like to have in this manner. You don't involve other coworkers, and you'd potentially stop your coworker from inviting you to be in the middle between your coworker's dealings with others.

If the problem persists, then you can escalate the boundary more at that time, but only after you've exhausted your resources on professionally addressing this situation in private with your coworker. If your coworker respects your boundaries, great - that would be a great success story for you both! But if your coworker does not respect your boundaries, you have the choice to escalate it into a rigid boundary, since your coworker left no choice but for you to assert your needs in this situation.

Hope this helps. There may be others on PC who have better advice, but I thought I'd share what I could, based on my own past experiences. I haven't worked for over 15 years, so I don't know what has changed in industry, but I thought I'd give it a shot.

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Default Nov 08, 2019 at 11:20 AM
  #6
I agree with all the other wise and wonderful posters! What did you confide to her? Was it extremely personal stuff? If it wasn't, perhaps just interrupting communication would seem like the BEST option here. Give it a thought, perhaps. Other than that, I am not sure what to suggest! Perhaps just try not to engage too much when she's talking to you. Just answer with a "Yes" or "No" and do not initiate the communication. Hopefully she'll get tired of this and she will leave you alone before you have to do anything? I am sorry if this is bad advice, it's the best I could come up with! In any case, I hope things will tunr out well for you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Emily Fox Seaton, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?
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Default Nov 08, 2019 at 07:10 PM
  #7
Thanks for the advice all.

1. Yes, now that I thought she was a trustworthy friend I have said things that could be very problematic. It doesn't help that she is the type that exaggerates anything I say. It was stuff like a mutual friend was fired instead of voluntarily relinquishing her position (but still works there). Or any gripe I have mentioned about my boss. ( I suspect strongly she says these things to other people now but is less inflammatory and vindictive than she would be otherwise).

2. I like the idea of inviting other people but we don't really eat lunch together, just go to the cafeteria and return to our desks. She is also very jealous with response to new people. Also, honestly, most everyone around us are so toxic I wouldn't want them to be friends anyway.

3. No matter what I will not be able to rinse her out of my life. We have offices next to each other in a place that doesn't have many other offices. So if i run to the printer or the bathroom ... she is there. Plus, the fact that we are supposed to (and have to) work together.

I need to find a way to discourage her. I used to have another toxic friend but I lost her due to this friend. (blurg)
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Default Nov 16, 2019 at 09:44 AM
  #8
I invited a couple of people to breakfast (just to obtain it) and she was as vindictive as I thought she would be. Fortunately next week she isn't around.

We got a new e-mail system this week and you can add your photo to it. All of management did so... but she got upset because "they didn't invite us to". Huh? I told her what invite... There is a section on your e-mail that says "add photo" and then she is like, we don't have photos but I pointed out yes.. our ID bage photos are on our log in system (and that was where management was getting it from). She wasn't happy about that.

She didn't like that I pointed these things out.
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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 01:32 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
I invited a couple of people to breakfast (just to obtain it) and she was as vindictive as I thought she would be. Fortunately next week she isn't around.

We got a new e-mail system this week and you can add your photo to it. All of management did so... but she got upset because "they didn't invite us to". Huh? I told her what invite... There is a section on your e-mail that says "add photo" and then she is like, we don't have photos but I pointed out yes.. our ID bage photos are on our log in system (and that was where management was getting it from). She wasn't happy about that.

She didn't like that I pointed these things out.
She felt threatened by the other company. I think you did a really good thing for yourself to include them to diffuse her thinking she has you all to herself.

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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 06:22 AM
  #10
I got really angry with her yesterday. It started when we went to the cafeteria for breakfast. I have been encouraging someone else to hang out with her and us for that. At this point my goal is to make him part of the "group" and then, suddenly stop going (because I am late or otherwise).

But he is just as nasty as her and I swear she brings it out in him.

There is a worker on the grill who is nice but we all have a hard time understanding her (she does not speak english well). This co worker always has to say "out loud" that she can't speak English. No matter how many times I give him the look. It is rude and deep inside it sickens me that he thinks he can treat her that way because she is a cafeteria worker.

But it doesn't really help because she keeps trying to ditch him.

But we had a meeting and another friend of mine had asked all the people to do something as part of their job. She went off on this other friend and WOULD NOT LET IT GO. Not when I gave her the looks, not when I argued with her, and now I am good and hacked off. I came as close as I ever have to letting her have it and marching over to management and asking to be moved.

What really gets on my nerves is that she has this persecution complex but it isn't true. She is constantly going on about being so busy and yet, she has someone who works for her. I do not. And will not give this person work. Also, she chose this job. The person who had the job before her literally quit. So if she has a terrible boss (which I don't think she does) that is ON HER.

Also, when we have meetings the fact is, a fact i accept, that the meetings are for management to inform us what to do. We are not really allowed to speak. It is just a fact of life. She refuses to accept this and is hacked off that the manager rushed along. Personally i was happy for that. I get sick and tired of people who are too lazy to address their issues the correct way and like to yell them out during a meeting. I want to leave the meeting if it doesn't apply to me.

I am good and hacked off now.

Today I have decided to work in an alternate location. It is more difficult for me because it isn't my office but I just can't take her anymore.
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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 09:10 AM
  #11
I sympathise with your problem. It's very difficult when someone you think of as a friend has a different and toxic agenda. We can all trust people with personal info, then regret it. How likely is she to repeat it or has it been forgotten.

Used to work with someone like this. She worked for the government department where I was a contractor. At first she was fine, then not long after showed her true colours. She has health problems (epilepsy, controlled by drugs) but is fit enough to drive. She was loud and overbearing. Fine when talking about her children, but mention anything in your life and instantly disinterested, it was all "me me me". Then the bad language started, the f-word used frequently and she wasn't exactly quiet.

Unfortunately, I got made redundant. No word for eight months. Accidentally bumped into her in local shopping centre. She was on phone but still wanted a hug. I just sidestepped her and said I was in a hurry. Needless to say, nothing heard since!
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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 09:31 AM
  #12
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Used to work with someone like this. She worked for the government department where I was a contractor. At first she was fine, then not long after showed her true colours.
Yes we are government workers. And actually this lady used to work for this same entity since she was a teen but took time off to have kids and came back.

I didn't talk to her all week. True, I was busy, but when she got the feeling I wasn't doing good she bought me a cookie. I suppose to make up.

Nope. I don't know how this is going to work but Monday and Tuesday looks to be super busy - I have also considered telling her I am intermittent fasting so we won't go to eat any longer.
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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 06:45 AM
  #13
So after avoiding her for a month, she seemed to get the message. She was much more respectful of me and said almost nothing about my friends. So I decided to give her another chance, and unshockingly, that was a mistake.

Yesterday we were having a conversation in the presence of another party and she was soo rude to me it was almost shocking (so I couldn't tell her off immediately). I went after her to tell her off and she started crying and apologized... she says she is having issues with her mother who is elderly.

But, I think in my head that was the end. I am done. DONE. I am not sure how I am going to handle it but I literally don't care anymore. I think over the holiday I am going to have a chat with her. She must know.

When she apologized I didn't say she was forgiven.
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Default Dec 26, 2019 at 11:56 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
So, I am pretty skidish with guys because I do not want to get trapped in a bad relationship. But, with women I am usually pretty laid back. Unfortunately I find myself in a bad relationship with a woman at work.

She has the office next to mine and we are sort of alone together in a section of the building. I don't feel like I was crazy to make friends with her... I was just nice and eventually I saw her as someone who could help me avoid talking to other people. So we started going to the cafeteria and leaving at the same time.

The problem started when I started seeing her true nature.

1. Where I work there is a "mindset" that I thought I had left with other co workers. It is a toxic mindset. She has it. I starts with the "oh I am so busy" though, they are not. It continues on to an inability to work with computers and a weird obsession with one IT person. But the worst part... is trying to ruin it for everyone else. Always looking to see what others are doing and Narc on them.

2. All of this toxicity comes from her jealousy of others.
a. she constantly talks about how busy she is... but forgets she takes off at least 1 day per week in leave time -- while most don't.
b. she constantly is jealous of my "free time" since she has an elderly parent, but forgets I already had my free time.
c. she HATES someone who has an office near us but never says a word to her.. of course...she couldn't hate her if she ever confronted her... because she would be wrong. She hates this woman for no reason.
d. All of the drama she is jealous of others for -- she could change -- she just won't.

I would drop her like a hot potato but, I face this..

a. when I thought she was my friend I said things I wouldn't want repeated.
b. I have to work with her and so we will have to communicate.
c. No matter how much I avoid her.. she comes to find me.. I am pretty sure she senses I am trying to move away.

So how do I get away. I checked and she isn't facing retirement for 3 + years.
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now and that you have to go through this. As soon as you can find another job.
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Default Dec 27, 2019 at 09:17 AM
  #15
It's unfortunate, but often we can make efforts to experience a relationship with another person and it just doesn't work out. This other woman sounds like she is very insecure and lacks in social skills. Sometimes a person can say they are busy when they are not really adjusted yet to working and dealing with their own personal challenges. Busy can mean coming to work stressed out and struggling to focus on the job and being able to handle whatever work load is there. Also, this woman may not be intune with the current technology given that she had stopped working for a while to have children and is trying to re-enter the world of working that has changed while she was out of the work force. Things have changed pretty significantly in the just past few years alone.

Sometimes people have so much going on in their lives they just don't do well when it comes to engaging others and adding someone else into their already full and stressful life. She probably is not very computer savoy and constantly deals with feeling inadequate which is why she clings to that IT person. Sometimes a person creates drama when they struggle with anxiety. Some people don't know what to do with stress and can vent it out on anyone they encounter because they genuinely don't know how to get a sense of actual relief in a healthy way.

Given that you shared that your work place can be toxic, for anyone new or is behind on their skills, that can become a real challenge. Maybe this person just can't be a "friend" to you like you want. It's very possible that her home life is such that she already has too much on her plate. If she is in her sixties, that can be scary and a time when a person is facing a steady decline of an aging parent can be pretty scary. Life can sure hand us challenges we are just not ready to handle no matter how old we are.
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 08:05 AM
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Maybe this person just can't be a "friend" to you like you want. It's very possible that her home life is such that she already has too much on her plate. If she is in her sixties, that can be scary and a time when a person is facing a steady decline of an aging parent can be pretty scary. Life can sure hand us challenges we are just not ready to handle no matter how old we are.
Well, frankly, I faced the decline of an aging parent when I was in my 30s and working this same job. This was made more difficult by the fact that my peers and boss just couldn't understand. So it is difficult for me to have sympathy for her.

So from about Christmas to now I saw some real improvements in this person and I thought she had figured stuff out. However, this week she jumped back to her nasty self.

I am now suspecting that this person will have zero respect for me unless I make her. So I guess I have to make her.
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 11:51 AM
  #17
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
So, I am pretty skidish with guys because I do not want to get trapped in a bad relationship. But, with women I am usually pretty laid back. Unfortunately I find myself in a bad relationship with a woman at work.

She has the office next to mine and we are sort of alone together in a section of the building. I don't feel like I was crazy to make friends with her... I was just nice and eventually I saw her as someone who could help me avoid talking to other people. So we started going to the cafeteria and leaving at the same time.

The problem started when I started seeing her true nature.

1. Where I work there is a "mindset" that I thought I had left with other co workers. It is a toxic mindset. She has it. I starts with the "oh I am so busy" though, they are not. It continues on to an inability to work with computers and a weird obsession with one IT person. But the worst part... is trying to ruin it for everyone else. Always looking to see what others are doing and Narc on them.

2. All of this toxicity comes from her jealousy of others.
a. she constantly talks about how busy she is... but forgets she takes off at least 1 day per week in leave time -- while most don't.
b. she constantly is jealous of my "free time" since she has an elderly parent, but forgets I already had my free time.
c. she HATES someone who has an office near us but never says a word to her.. of course...she couldn't hate her if she ever confronted her... because she would be wrong. She hates this woman for no reason.
d. All of the drama she is jealous of others for -- she could change -- she just won't.

I would drop her like a hot potato but, I face this..

a. when I thought she was my friend I said things I wouldn't want repeated.
b. I have to work with her and so we will have to communicate.
c. No matter how much I avoid her.. she comes to find me.. I am pretty sure she senses I am trying to move away.

So how do I get away. I checked and she isn't facing retirement for 3 + years.
would she really repeat what you told her? it seems to me she doesn't really talk with any other co-workers.

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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 03:50 PM
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would she really repeat what you told her? it seems to me she doesn't really talk with any other co-workers.
Oh she would. She is very much a gossiper. Whenever she gets ANY Information she runs into my office to tell me.

She does have some friends, who probably, like I did, thought she was a good sort of person until I found out her dark side. But I think she likes me the best because I am not really rude or mean.
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