Befriending someone older than me

Hello:
I've been on an internship in the city hall of my city for 4 months as part of a web development course I joined. The internship is unluckily not very related to web development, so my classmates and me are assigned various tasks depending on our knowledge.

I've been assigned tasks related to my previous studies at vocational school. Contrary to the ones my classmates are assigned, my tasks are usually more complex to do and require to know about the subject. We used to be in a separate room before, but I'm currently not working with my classmates. I'm sitting where the rest of the city hall's employees work.

I feel extremely integrated when I'm there. I've never felt like this before and I'm glad I decided to join. It has also helped me to develop my social skills, especially after so many months not going out.

My mentor is a nice person. He's kind and supportive. He has helped a lot of students with their problems. And I don't mean problems related to the course, but personal ones. He has given me a lot of advice when I needed it as well. He's not the one who assigns me the tasks, but a man who is sitting next to him. And that man happens to have studied the very same things I have, and shares some interests with me. Interests I've never found people to have. He gives me advice sometimes, too. But his advice is focused on my career and how to make progress. He's also full of jokes and doesn't seem to care about my age when he jokes.

Yesterday while we were waiting for a server to reboot, we talked about things like where he is from, what he studied... and I told him that I'm good at what we were doing because rather than going out I like staying at home and research on the Internet and read books about it. He told me I do well by doing so. Then, I told him about my uncommon interests like reading the things I mentioned I like researching and he told me he has uncommon interests as well. For example, he's currently doing stone-looking panels with cement and a silicone mold to put them on a wall.

Would it be awkward if I tried to befriend them? I'm not saying I want us to meet them outside work or something similar. But for example, I would like to know how this man is doing with his stone-looking panels and see how it looks like.

To be honest, apart from looking awkward or desperate what makes me doubt about it is the fact that one of them is our mentor. What if he or my classmates believe I'm trying to brown-nose him? And they're older than me, of course. My mentor is 30 years older. I'm not sure about the other man, but he must be 25-30 years older as well.

What should I do?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making friends ,we have been doing it thousands of years ,most knowledge is passed down ,from our senior mentors to our young , there's a huge difference between "book knowledge " and practical life skills ,I myself love talking to older people ,I learned so much practical living skills that isn't taught in schools by talking to and befriending people from "the greatest generation" , people who fought the wars, people who survived the wars , people who survived the holocaust ,people who survived the "great deppresion" . If you ever research language history traditions ,you will find some unusual things ,like in native American culture being a "tribal elder" doesn't come with age ,it comes from knowing your people's stories and knowledge and being able to share them with younger people ,so all there acquired knowledge and wisdom is almost completely passed down by and through oral history .

Yes I am older now myself (50ish), I am packed with knowledge and skills that I picked up talking to people and making friends with people who lived things that I wasn't around for . Its only in this "computer age" that has seen the decline in interpersonal skills, let your classmates think whatever they want ,you have nothing that needs to be defended by making friends ,regardless of the persons age ( it's part of becoming a well rounded person ) .

On a side note before silicone moulds , we took a block of wood made a cavity ,soaked it with transmission fluid filled it with cement to harden ,when it was hardened and we pulled it out ,you could then weather and age it with muriatic acid solutions to almost perfectly impersonate natural rock .our house had a stone and cement foundation that sometimes developed cracks or holes from age ,so i learned how to make exact fit "rocks" that wouldn't scream "I am a bad patch job", and the science and art of building stone walls (we have stone walls built more than 150 years ago still standing in the New England states).

You would be surprised, something you learn today can be dormant in your head for 30 years when suddenly you'll need it and " poof" it will come back and save your bacon . On another site my nickname was "human Google" because things google couldnt tell somebody how to do ,i could . I was raised to be a lifetime learner ,that was my moms stipulation growing up ,she loved a quote from Ganhdi " Live like todays your last day , Learn like you will live forever" ,so go make friends and learn something well at it .

Thanks for your advice, Mrpain. Befriending people has always been like rocket science to me, so it's no surprise the age makes me feel much more anxious. But after reading what you wrote, especially the fact that elders have way more experience to share I'm definitively convinced.

However, I honestly don't know how to start. Do you think asking him how that cement panels project of his is going is a good way to take the first step?

Nothing wrong with befriending someone older. Just beware of strategies if he expects more from you, unless as the friendship develops/circumstances change that's what you want too.

You're very lucky to have someone who wants to impart their knowledge and experience. It's often dismissed, as companies employ younger people who don't have these skills. Too many older people then feel devalued and frustrated that they can't pass on these skills.

From my first job in a predominantly male environment, I've always got on better with men than women. Also, with the internet, I've learned far more than ever I could from family members (harsh, but fair comment). I'm a lady plane spotter (passenger not military), so know about unusual interests. Recently invited to write a blog for UK based spotters community, although I've never met any of them.

Yes absolutely in terms of socialising its an "ice breaker" he loves doing it and you have an intrest .
My mom taught me to look for "common ground " anything you ha can be used to find other things you may share an intrest in ,everything from bridges to relationships need a foundation to build on ,in this case his cement work is common ground.

The same applies to all friends ,lovers spouses etc.
You meet people where ever they are ,and build up from there , i have a friend I met in the produce aisle buying eggplant (I love to cook, the y wanted to expand there knowledge ,we started with the humble 50 ways to cook eggplant ) you can literaly build off anything,I have other friends I mer over cars,radios, my dog,. Don't be shy or timid " the early bird gets the worm " ,i don't suggest eating works however enjoying making friends and trying to share your life is an active sport .life isn't a spectator sport and time waits for no man or woman , the earlier you start the better your skills , the more comfortable you become doing it.

I have an "aunt " when my mom was 7she lived next door , they both grew up went to college became psychologist 's and remained friends ,when my mom adopted me she became part of my family , my mom died 10 years ago, my aunt is 83 and we remain friends/family .

from what it sounds like you're already befriending him. There is nothing more to being a friend as just having things in common, enjoying company and getting along. Obviously people can be friends with bosses, coworkers and of course mentors, there is nothing unethical about it and personally, I am not sure how one will learn from a mentor that they do not really have some respect for. It doesn't mean you have to be drinking or going out buddies or more but yes it's good and acceptable to be friends with a mentor.

Don't think too deeply on this, it sounds like you've found a good mentor and have a mutually friendly relationship. Much better than someone that happened to be your mentor that you didn't like at all.

enjoy and don't worry so much.

Thanks for your advice, poshgirl. Talking to him provides me good feelings. He seems to understand me when we talk and respects me more than my classmates do. So of course I value him sharing his knowledge.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having unusual interests, but as they're unusual, it's hard to find people who shares them. That's what I don't like about my unusual hobbies.

Good to hear you think it is an ice breaker. And thanks for the tip! I haven't asked him how he's going with that project of his yet. It's hard to find the right moment to mention it without asking him out of context.

Sorry to hear your mother passed away. Your story is very heartwarming and it definitively makes me see how relationships evolve and that age may not be a problem at all.

Yes, he's definitively a friendly person. I don't know why I think too much about it rather than enjoying it while I can.

Actually, I know why I worry too much. I've been asking the wrong question the whole time. The thing is that I get on well with this man. Why wouldn't I, though? He's polite, friendly, helpful, we respect ourselves (which is something people my age don't do), we share interests and he's what I'm aspiring to become! I'd like to hear how he ended up working there, to hear more stories about how life was before I was born, and he could advise me very well in the course of my career. I'll someday leave that place, and we won't see ourselves anymore. That makes me sad. I'd like to keep in touch with him afterwards. But I want it to be frequent, not once a year like I do with my old teachers and schoolmates. To tell him how I'm going, to meet in person, to joke like we do right now, to talk about life in general... And it's a shame that it won't be possible because of the age difference. I'll leave in January, and I wish time passed slower.

Is what I said possible? Do you think there's a probability that this person will accept to get to know ourselves outside work? Of course, I won't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. But I'll have to ask him someday, and how do I bring it up? How do I ask him that without looking awkward?

This is what worries me, and why I think about it too much. I just don't want to miss out the opportunity to have someone in my life who is worth having.

I have tons of older friends. Some in their 60's even 70's. I do AA and being an alcoholic cuts through all the usual barriers to friendships like age. I am glad about that.

Thanks for your post, sarahsweet. And thanks for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate it a lot. Especially when I feel helpless. Perhaps what worries me the most is the possibility of being rejected. It could happen, the man is free to decide what to do with his life. My mind is so messed up... I don't have the guts to ask him if he'd like to keep in touch and keep chatting. Obviously, it's not going to be 24/7. But I don't know... it seems I'll prefer the benefit of the doubt and think about "what would have happened if..." instead of bringing it up to him. And if I ever meet someone else under similar circumstances I'll keep doing the same thing. I can't imagine what I'll do if I ever find my significant other... I'll probably miss out every train in the train station of my life.

I just wish things were easier. I wish there were a way to find out how he would react without asking it. I wish in the case he didn't accept I could "undo" what I said and pretend nothing happened, similar to editing a document on the computer. Life would be so much easier...

Hello everybody, I'd like to keep the thread up to date.

Well, this is the last month I'll be in my internship, and the toughest one for sure, because we haven't gone to the workplace very often due to a problem with the organization of the course. So I haven't seen this man as often as I used to.

Last week we all had a lunch together and I was sit next to him. I decided to take advantage of it and we had a very meaningful and deep conversation. I told him that what worries me the most is that I don't know if I'll ever achieve my ideal job (the one he has) and what would happen if I then realize I don't like it. He then told me that he couldn't tell me exactly what's going to happen and that I'll face many difficulties and disappointments in my life. And then he told me how his first job was extremely unrelated to what he does right now and how his career evolved. I loved the conversation. In fact, I didn't talk to anyone else except for him and while everybody were having small talks we both were enjoying talking to each other and I think the rest noticed it.

We went to a bar afterwards but I decided to talk to the rest as well because it would be rude if I ignored them and to give him some space. It was late, and he had to go. But I didn't want to lose the opportunity to tell him my intentions, especially when the mood was already settled. So I decided to go as well. When we reached a point we should had to separate our ways I told him I wouldn't mind changing my route (even if it's longer). I think he noticed I wanted to tell him something so he didn't mind either. We kept talking and I brought up the subject about staying at home studying rather than going out and he told me he doesn't like going to many work lunches or meeting people every day because he likes spending time with himself. And then I asked him how those cement panels were going and he showed me showed me some pictures.

He had to go home by car so he asked me if I wanted him to bring me home and I accepted. During our way to where I live I told him that I'm glad I met him and that this is the first time in my life that I feel productive. I also thanked him for doing everything possible to make me feel comfortable in the workplace. We arrived to my street but I noticed he wanted to tell me something and a car suddenly appeared behind and I told him to park somewhere near and he accepted so that confirmed that he wanted to tell me something. He then gave me very useful advice, like not trying to change who I am, develop my inner world and find people who respects me and not to overthink too much. I don't know how he knew that's one of my issues, not overthinking is very hard to me, so I smiled and looked away and his exact words were: that's what you struggle the most with, don't you? He kept advising me but I don't recall what he said for one reason: I had to gather all the courage I had to tell him about getting to know him and keep in touch. So I don't remember what he said but when he stopped I thanked him for advising me and I told him I would like to keep talking about that in person once I leave. And he agreed! He told me he wouldn't mind having a coffee or something similar.

I asked him if he had my phone number but he didn't and didn't know where his phone was at that moment and then he asked me if my mentor has it and I confirmed it. And I said goodbye to him.

However, he hasn't asked my phone number to my mentor yet. I trying not not overthink about it but I can't prevent it. There are so many possibilities... maybe he doesn't want to look awkward asking my mentor my number or maybe he preferred to give it to me in the final day. However if he really wanted my phone number he would ask me it in the first place. I don't know why I asked him if he had mine instead of asking him to give me his...

I went to the workplace last Wednesday and today. Last Wednesday I tried to ask him to give me his number but I thought I would be annoying and instead asked him if he could drive back home without any problem. And today he didn't go to work. Apparently he got sick and had to go to the hospital yesterday. I really would like to believe that he was honest when he told me he wouldn't mind keep in touch and that maybe he doesn't want to look awkward or maybe he hasn't been feeling well since the weekend and he forgot to ask for it. I told my mentor today to wish him to get well soon.

Next week is the last one I'll be there, and I seriously don't know what to do. I think that once he arrives I'll try to talk to him on private before leaving and tell him that I really like the conversation we had last Friday and that I look forward to repeating it. I suppose that if he truly doesn't mind he'll try to get a contact method.

You are really overthinking this. It sounds like you already are developing a friendship. Don't stress too much about what might happen in the future. If he didn't want to keep in touch, he wouldn't have asked for your number.

It doesn't hurt asking him his Phone Number again, doesn't it? I am sure he just hasn't had the chance since he's been sick! He's enjoyed the conversation you've had with Him so I see no reason why he shouldn't want to talk with you some more. Give it a try and don't overthing it too much! I am sure he cares! I am sure he cares A LOT AS WELL! Thank you for updating us and I hope you'll continue to do that! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Franner, your Family, your Friends, this Friend of Yours, your Mentors and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY BEAUTIFUL, CARING, INTELLIGENT, SENSIBLE, BRAVE, DETERMINED, DEAR, AWESOME, KIND, SWEET, WISE, RESOURCEFUL, SMART, GENEROUS, SENSITIVE, GENTLE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

I may have not explained myself well. I asked him if he had my phone number, he didn't and told me he would ask my mentor for it. He could have asked me it if he really wanted it. But like I said, there are many reasons he hasn't done so yet...
But thanks for cheering me up and advising me. I'm aware about the importance of our last conversation and I appreciate it. I'm honestly trying to do everything possible not to get obsessed. I'm trying to read, play some video game, watch the TV, listen to music... but nothing works.

Hey, thanks for the encouragement, MickeyCheeky. I don't know. What if he didn't want to give me his phone in the first place?

You see, what makes me doubt it is the fact that while we were in his car he could have given me his number. That's why I say I should have to him to give me his...

This tendency of mine to overthink makes me feel anxious, and this anxiety makes me overthink about it. Sounds crazy, but it's how I actually feel. I have a very strong fear of being rejected. In fact, my first thread in this forum was about something similar and it didn't end well: Is it appropriate to send a message to a stranger who doesn't reply me?

Who cares what your classmates think?

I'm much calmer now. Tomorrow begins the last week, and I've made a decision. I'm going to do everything I've been doing so far, except that this time I'll try to enjoy this week as much as I can. I can't let my thoughts spoil my experience. I have to be happy, because I've met amazing people there who has made me feel integrated and I've felt useful and productive for the first time in my life. And I'm glad I experienced it with those employees, especially with this man I met.

I'm going to think positive. If he's in his desk once I arrive I'll ask him how he is, just like any coworker. Whenever I have the chance, I'll tell him how much I enjoyed that conversation we had and how I'd like to repeat it. And I'll bring up my interest to keep in touch once again. Even if he made up an excuse or even if he were honest and told me he doesn't want to (I don't think that'll happen, but I must be prepared for that possibility) I have nothing to fear or regret. Looking on the bright side, like I said, I'm glad I met him and like he told me that night I'll have many disappointments in my life. But that mustn't ruin my experience overall.

Will I be OK if things go wrong? No. But will that make my internship a bad experience? It won't either.

There's definitively something I must do that will benefit me for the rest of my life: I've got to learn not to overthink too much. All the times I've had a headache or having trouble sleeping is not worth it, especially if that won't change anything. And getting rid of these recurrent paranoid thoughts I usually have would make my life much easier...

I also must learn to value myself and not let anyone affect my own happiness.

Not me, for sure!

Good for you

Yesterday was the last day. I decided not to ask him for his phone again, even if I said I would. Instead, we talked as we used to and I asked him if he feels better. And guess what? He asked me my phone number and told me that the day I asked him he didn't have his phone! Ahhh... I felt so peaceful... It seriously looks like he put me to the test to see how long I could stand without acting anxious. Especially because after that, he asked me many random things as if he were trying to tell me that he didn't forget our last talk... And so I did, too.

I threw the ball to his court, and he sent it back... Definitively when someone wants to be part of your life they'll do it, and those who don't will try to make up any excuse. Now I'll try not to abuse text messages and try the same strategy when I want to meet up with him: be patient...

Thank you all for your kind support. I feel stupid when I read everything I've posted in this thread and I honestly must do something with these recurrent paranoid ideas I have.

Oh, I almost forgot. Apparently they're interested in extending the contract of those interns they've found productive. And this man has told me twice via text that he's sure he'll see me again one day. So maybe I work with him once more.

Glad to hear it's worked out well for you. We're all guilty of over-thinking at one time or another. You've handled the situation very well, with some sound advice. I remember when a so-called friend advised me to go after a guy who appeared to like me. What a mistake! He was a user. Sadly I made a fool of myself, but she did apologise for misreading the situation.

There are still guys around who want to mentor younger people and encourage them. If it develops into a relationship, the older ones seem to have the right credentials - manners, caring attitude, experience of life. In my experience, very few of the younger ones these days are the same. I met a younger guy at work who made my days a lot easier. Sadly, he's "very married" but you can't help but wonder what would have happened if he wasn't. Genuine colleagues said we were made for each other. That's life!!