Friendship

I watched some TED talks on friendship this evening. I thought I would share some of my thoughts about this and see what you think.

People talk a lot about loneliness these days. Apparently we know more people than at any other time in history yet we are more lonely and less connected to each other than ever. We tend to blame a lot of this on social media.

But even Aristotle had a theory on friendship so we know it can’t be a new issue. He said there are three types of friendships: pleasure, advantage and virtue. Pleasure friends are the ones you go bowling or golfing with, for example. They are the people you enjoy having fun or doing hobbies with but generally nothing more than that. Advantage friends are usually transactional relationships. There is some type of business or financial benefit to the friendship. I’m sure professional networking relationships would fit this category. (I wonder if my lovely hair stylist who always gives me a warm hug and makes me feel so valued and important counts as this type of friendship?) Virtue friendships are the ones based on agape love. We are lucky to have one or two of these types of friendships. They are rare since agape love is the highest form of love after all.

Aristotle said we need all three of these types of friendships in our lives. They are all extremely valuable.

One psychotherapist speaking on friendships said she decided to do a survey and she found out that, surprisingly, the most common “best” friends are: your spouse, a sibling or your dog. She also said that the idea of one “best” friend is a bit outdated and it’s more realistic to have a “mosaic” of friendships that you cultivate for different reasons. She included online friends as important friendships too, just like any other type of friendship.

One speaker talked about how people tend to move around a lot these days and inevitably we lose many friends this way.

I feel a bit more “normal” after watching these TED talks on friendship. I think for some reason I have believed friendships in general should fall into something like Aristotle’s “virtue” category. That’s setting an awfully high standard and it’s just not realistic.

What are your thoughts, ideas and theories about friendship? What are your thoughts on Aristotle’s theory of friendship? (I presented it as I understand it but I am sure there could be a lot more to it.) What bits and pieces of wisdom have helped you cultivate friendships and is it a “mosaic” of friends or just a few close friends?

Those are really good questions and thoughts you've presented, positive possibilities.
It got me thinking about the friends issue. And I have found, with frequent moves to different towns in search of better opportunity, and being a single parent, and being single as a choice, has presented a unique time in my life.
I've had to let a lot of people go.
People I enjoyed spending time with in the past, but they didn't go in the direction I was going. I've spent a lot of time alone, lately without friends who've experienced life with me. It has given me a chance to check in with myself, focus on my kids, and re- evaluate my goals and wants and needs.
I have a desire to have friends, but, unlike earlier in my life it isn't the driving force behind my actions and now I'm very selective about who I want to let into my life after a few things turned out badly when I let the wrong person in.
I have a lot of healing to do, because of those things. But now I can do that healing in my own time, in my way.
What I would like to give my kids is security and the ability to be in one place long enough to make some strong healthy friendships. I'm working on that.
If my lack of friends means they get that chance, then it seems relatively fair to do things this way.

Thanks for this, I found it interesting.

I have had many pleasure friendships, maybe some transactional (workplace?) but I am lucky to have a few virtue ones too.

Good information. Interestingly, though I only see her at the beauty parlor, I have been going to the same hair dresser for more than 10 years. At some point in the relationship, she started telling me about very intimate things going on in her life (but also tells about interesting, lighter things ). She now talks more than me. I go to her because she is a talented hair stylist but feel so honored that she now feels so comfortable talking to me. As long as she continues work, she is the only person I will go to.

@Imokay2

I can understand how moving has affected your friendships. I moved away from a friend I was very close to and while we stay in touch, it’s not the same when we don’t live near each other.

I also understand about putting your kids and yourself first. I’ve been burned in the past. It’s hard to know who you can trust, especially after some friendships that go wrong.

I’m learning to appreciate a wider variety of friends. And I’m working on being my own best friend now.

Friendship comes in the most unexpected of places doesn’t it? And without any pressure or expectations we can just appreciate any act of kindness that comes our way and offer the same in return. It sounds like you’ve been a kind friend to your hair stylist when she really needed someone to talk to.

You’ve been very blessed.

Normally, when I pick up and move on, I sever nearly all connections with everyone I had befriended in the old place. Maybe not "sever," exactly. That's too active. Rather, I don't put much effort, if any, into maintaining the relationship. In my mind, we had our time together, and now it's over.

Definitely too high. I think most people have a couple of close friends at most, and then a lot of acquaintances or casual friends.

Naturally, my sense of boundaries between acquaintance and "virtue friend" is all sorts of messed up.

I think Aristotle is spot on. It's like different levels of friendship, each level determined by closeness and trust. I have a mosaic of friends - a handful of close friends and several casual buddies.

I develop friendships mostly by accident, often as a result of being genuinely interested in other people and having a tendency to overstep boundaries.

Please could you post some links to the talks? I would be interested to listen to them. Thank you.

I think Aristotle is quite accurate.

Are you on YouTube? Search for these TEDx talks:

Foxhole Friends by Chip Edens

Why can’t we be friends? By Dr. Jill Squyres

Chip Edens talks about Aristotle’s theory on friendship. Dr. Jill talks about a mosaic of friends and she also talks about a friendship house with each type of friend going into different rooms. I enjoyed both talks. Let me know what you think.

@theoretical

I appreciate your thoughtful answers. You are really good about addressing multiple issues in one post. I agree with Aristotle too. You said your friendships are mostly developed by accident as a result of being genuinely interested in people. Are you an extrovert?

I have some good friendships with deep soul connections. Some from meet up groups and a walking buddy.We discuss all kinds of topics while walking.I do not like arrogant or selfish and manipulative people.I would rather stay away from them.

Yes. ENTP, the most introverted of extroverts, with a massive load of commitment issues, but still an extrovert.

Very interesting. I thought you were an E. I know an INTP. Very independent person. I’m guessing there’s a similarity between ENTP and INTP. There is speculation Abraham Lincoln was an INTP.

I don't think the idea of Aristotle's theory was that all of your friends ought to be "virtue" friends, but rather that this virtue friendship is the ideal friendship to seek in life, as it is really the only truly satisfying type of friendship.

I read an external article on Aristotle's theory of friendship and it seems like he dissuades people from seeking friendships simply for pleasure or friendships simply for utility. It seems like he says that the ideal is the friendship founded on virtue, but, this is not an easily attainable feat.

That said, it's not practical to have only virtue friends. But I think the Aristotelian idea is that the virtue friend should be the aim.

I watched the Ted talks thanks. They were interesting.

The Foxhole friends resonated most with me. I found it interesting he encourages us to reach out and make 2 new friends and deepen others so we have 5 virtue friends. I realised I already have 4 and yet I often feel I don't have many friends, yet the 4 I have are pretty deep to me. Actually it's 5 if I count my spouse which the guy in the Ted talk does.

This thread has made me realise my expectations are probably unrealistic.

I don't have nearly as many pleasure friendships as I did a few years ago. Maybe for me that is somewhere I need to focus.

Thanks for thought provoking thread.

Certainly it’s nice to aim for virtue friendships. I agree that it’s the most satisfying and enriching relationship.