Why, momma?

My mother and I have a very labile relationship. One moment we are doing well, the next, I did something, and it could have been weeks, months, even on occasion years ago. And once those feelings in her take place, we are in a very rocky spot and I find it very hard to maneuver within the relationship. Most recent example: my friend is getting married on Sunday. It is a very private ceremony, so at first I wasn't invited. About 2 months ago, she pulls me aside and said that she really wanted me there, and that I could bring my husband as my plus one. I knew that if my mom found out, she would be very upset. So I asked my friend if mom (now to be referred to as M) could come in my place. She said that she will be fine with either option. I spoke to M about it. She was skeptical so I let her know that my husband was also an option, in case she didnt want to go. She says that she sometimes feels awkward around those people. Fast forward a few weeks, friend asks me to be the coordinator of the wedding processional. I agreed. That meant that I would have to be there for the rehearsal as well. We live a few hours away from the friend and wedding location. And we have a prior engagement the day of rehearsal there. I had a conversation with M about how it would be better for me to stay in a hotel than travel back and forth. The plan was that my husband (H) would stay in the hotel room with our kids while we were at the wedding. I gave her the option to either stay in the room with us, or travel back and forth. She said she didnt want to go. I thought she may change her mind, so I let the matter sit for awhile. Then I asked her again a week or 2 later. She then agreed she wanted to go. During that phone conversation she said multiple times " you sound so discouraged that I said yes". Each time I tried to explain that I wasn't, and other things were going on. The conversation got heated, she hung up and said she wasn't going. Fast forward to this week. She is now mad because she states that I manipulated the situation to get my way, that the hotel wasn't necessary and that I never take her feelings into consideration. And I have no clue what to do. I tried apologizing, but she said that my apologies are worthless. I am sorry for this being long winded, I just didn't know how to compress it.

Why would your mother be upset because you and your husband are invited to a wedding? To me, that is no concern of hers.

It sounds like your mother demands far more control than is necessary or appropriate.

I think you should go to the rehearsal and the wedding without her and have a good time.

Can you get a babysitter so your husband can come too? Or else have him and your kids come and stay in the hotel as you mentioned.

It is not your mother's concern whether you and your family stay in a hotel.

You might want to look into "emotional blackmail", which is what your mother seems to be doing to you.

You are an adult and married. You don't have to meet her expectations.

Here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of interest with regard to this:

Guest Post: How to Know If Your Relationship is Codependent | Happily Imperfect

Boundaries, Blaming, and Enabling in Codependent Relationships | Happily Imperfect

The Enmeshed Mother: A Daughter Trapped

Love without Boundaries: The Enmeshed Mother

Too Close For Comfort: The Controlling Mother

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...ealous-mother/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/full-...ated-daughter/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...h-your-mother/

Best wishes...

Agree totally with Bill3's comments.

Your are an adult with a husband and family, to whom you have responsibilities. You don't need her permission to go to the wedding, just do it and enjoy.

Can relate to everything you've said about your relationship. No consolation I know, but my mother is exactly the same. I'm supposed to be eternally grateful for the fact that she brought me and my brother up single handed for five years after my father died.

As I'm outspoken, we frequently "lock horns". If it's not my lack of children then it's hairstyle/clothes. Now emotionally blackmailing me over a family problem (see "my sister-in-law lashed out at me"). In past two years, have spent nights in hospital with her. Being awake for over 24 hours is no joke! She's totally forgotten about this and now blames me for everything my aunt says/does that she doesn't like.

Unfortunately, daughters are the ones who feel they have to look after mothers. Also putting up with their unacceptable behaviour appears to be part of the job description. Sounds like your husband is very tolerant, hope he remains that way.

It seems that your mother has you walking on eggshells. It's always hard to tell if such people really feel victimized or if they are deliberately manipulating you. My older sister is the same way. After she makes a decision, she will claim to have been manipulated or coerced by others into making that decision. In college, we were both studying music when she was persuaded to change her major because someone flattered her and said she was a genius in another subject. Fast forward a few years, I started getting a lot of compliments for my music skills and my sister started complaining that she had been tricked into changing her major and that anyone who complimented me was being deliberately rude to her. She has done this with every decision ever since. Once she persuaded me to move to another city with her because she couldn't afford the move on her own. After we got there, she claimed that I had forced her to relocate. Despite being 2 years older, my sister has blamed all her life decisions and job choices on me and it sounds like your mom has a similar type of mentality.

I can't be sure if these people are genuinely confused or just plain manipulative. One thing I learned over a hard life is that they will be angry no matter what you do so you need to make decisions that you feel are right without being influenced by fear of making them angry or offended. The thing I am struggling with today is whether I should do the right thing when my sister is being a nasty bully. I guess I should take my own advice and do what I think best no matter what she is doing. I try to see her rages and toxic rants as a natural phenomenon like the weather. We can't change the weather so there's no point getting upset about it. Its hard not to be affected though. So just remember that you didn't do anything wrong. If your mother is acting out mental problems of her own, her negative feelings may not really be about you. You just got in the way of whatever is constantly happening in her mind. It probably doesn't help to apologize because if she can make you grovel by being mean, it will motivate her to repeat the behavior. Someone once said I might be co-dependant and it made me angry. But I understand in retrospect that they referred to the fact that I grew up trying to appease my mentally ill bully of a sister and it ended up enabling her bad behaviors so they got worse over time. This comes naturally when you grew up with someone like your mom so people like us have to learn not to go to crazy lengths to keep unreasonable family members happy. Nothing you do will ever be enough and the first time they don't get what they want, they will say you "never" do anything for them. No one can make them happy because they are broken and incomplete. I hope I didn't ramble on too long. Enjoy your friend's wedding!