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Trig Nov 19, 2019 at 03:30 AM
  #1
Hi everybody!

I am facing a rather serious problem with my younger sister. She is 30 years old and married.

She was a bright child but over the years she has become rather friendless and insecure. She also seems to have a new problem everyday. She shares these problems with me down to the most intimate details and expects me to listen to her. If I don’t stop whatever I am doing and give her full attention whenever she demands then she calls me 'uncaring' and 'lacking empathy'.

I try my best to accomodate her. But after listening to her, literally for hours, if I give her my opinion or advice on the issue at hand she snaps at me, and very rudely says something like 'how I live my life is none of your business/ keep your opinion to yourself'. I have been very hurt by her comments quite often but still I chose to look past it as she is family.

Stuff hit the fan this morning when she came over and
Possible trigger:
She then went on a tirade about how he will 'learn eventually' (he is 29) and how I never see his good points. I mean did she expect me to sing peans after learning that her husband treated her like this?

I finally got sick of the whole thing. I told her if she did not like me commenting on her personal life then maybe she should stop talking to me about it.

Now she is acting like the injured party and telling me 'Oh so that is how you want things to be between us'. I am so confused.

I am also a little upset with her lifestyle. She lives with our mother and is dependent on her financially. She only lives with her husband during weekends and he doesn't take care of any of her expenses. My sister sleeps all day, everyday, waking up only to eat the meals someone else has prepared for her. She is morbidly obese and all doctors have advised her to get some exercise. She is also addicted to online shopping. But the moment I try to intervene, out come the colourful insults. As kids I was verg close to her, almost like a third parent. But now I seriously struggle to maintain a decent relationship with her.

She has seen a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with OCD. She is under medication for it.

I shall be very grateful if you could offer any insight into the situation, as I am at my wit's end. If I can understand her problem maybe I will find a way to deal with her. Please help?

Last edited by bluekoi; Nov 20, 2019 at 11:39 AM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 03:51 AM
  #2
Trigger icons on these posts would be super helpful please consider this for next time.
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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 04:30 AM
  #3
Hey @Britedark:
Wow the entire relationship screams toxic and if you are not careful, codependent-and I do not mean any offense by that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Britedark View Post
Hi everybody!

I am facing a rather serious problem with my younger sister. She is 30 years old and married.

She was a bright child but over the years she has become rather friendless and insecure. She also seems to have a new problem everyday. She shares these problems with me down to the most intimate details and expects me to listen to her. If I don’t stop whatever I am doing and give her full attention whenever she demands then she calls me 'uncaring' and 'lacking empathy'.

I try my best to accomodate her. But after listening to her, literally for hours, if I give her my opinion or advice on the issue at hand she snaps at me, and very rudely says something like 'how I live my life is none of your business/ keep your opinion to yourself'. I have been very hurt by her comments quite often but still I chose to look past it as she is family.
People often accept unacceptable behavior from people because they are 'family'. Would you let a friend or stranger treat you this way? If anything your family should treat you better not worse than friends. When I need to vent I tell my husband or whoever that I am all fired up and am just venting to prepare them for my animated chatter and that I do not necessarily need advice. If this were a new thing with your sister I would tell you to ask her if she is just venting but since you say she will go on and on for hours over and over she has a motive.
I believe her motive is for you to cosign her bull s***. She wants to hear how she is right, she is the victim, others are out to get her and she doesn't need to change anything about herself. She isnt looking for honesty or even a caring ear to listen, she wants a doormat who will only agree with her. Are you willing to be that person?

Quote:
Stuff hit the fan this morning when she came over and started complaining about how her husband nagged her to have sex when she was unwilling and did it forcibly enough to cause a deep injury to her vagina. I was quite shocked and said this is inappropriate behaviour, akin to marital rape. She then went on a tirade about how he will 'learn eventually' (he is 29) and how I never see his good points. I mean did she expect me to sing peans after learning that her husband treated her like this?
I absolutely draw the line at abuse or assault. I wouldnt care what she thought of what I said because it was assault. She may not want to hear that in which case you could always say you do not want to hear about an assault that she doesnt believe is assault.
Quote:
I finally got sick of the whole thing. I told her if she did not like me commenting on her personal life then maybe she should stop talking to me about it.
This is good but if I could make a suggestion you should repeat that and remove the 'maybe' and add a boundary and consequence:
" If you do not like my feedback and do not want it then I do not want you talking to me about these things. If you continue to do it then we will have to limit our communication or contact".

Then you have to stick with it.
She will test you. If you get on the phone with her and she starts up interupt her and remind her of your request and the consequence. If she argues or continues tell her you love her and you will talk to her another time when she is willing to give your feelings some weight. This isn't easy but you have to change your part in the relationship to change the dynamic.


Quote:
Now she is acting like the injured party and telling me 'Oh so that is how you want things to be between us'. I am so confused.
Ignore that. Do not take the bait. Its literally useless noise. You know damn well that was not what you meant. She is trying to manipulate you.

Quote:
I am also a little upset with her lifestyle. She lives with our mother and is dependent on her financially. She only lives with her husband during weekends and he doesn't take care of any of her expenses. My sister sleeps all day, everyday, waking up only to eat the meals someone else has prepared for her. She is morbidly obese and all doctors have advised her to get some exercise. She is also addicted to online shopping. But the moment I try to intervene, out come the colourful insults.
Does your mother mind this? It sucks and she sounds like a leech but if your mother doesnt set her own boundaries then it will continue to go on this way. Do not try and intervene. You cant change her, she has a place to live where she can do whatever she wants including endanger her health. I am an alcoholic in recovery and my family had all sorts of things to say and tried to help. One of the ways I stopped was absolute emotional breakdown combined with actual pain in my liver and other consequences. Unfortunately for most, pain is the ultimate motivator. If you think about major changes in your life, how many were a result of something wonderful that kept getting better and how many were a result of pain, discomfort or upsetting changes?

Quote:
As kids I was verg close to her, almost like a third parent. But now I seriously struggle to maintain a decent relationship with her.
This is a sign of codependency.
Codependent Sibling | General Support | Forum - AllAboutCounseling.com
I found this but I do not know if it will help you or not.

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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 05:34 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch View Post
Trigger icons on these posts would be super helpful please consider this for next time.
I am sorry, I wasn't aware..I'll be more mindful next time
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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 06:03 AM
  #5
[QUOTE=sarahsweets;6691526][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="Indigo"][SIZE="3"]Hey @Britedark:
Wow the entire relationship screams toxic and if you are not careful, codependent-and I do not mean any offense by that.


Thank you so much for giving your time to me. When I read your reply I realized I agreed with most of it. Reading it all plainly in black and white was very impactful.

I am aware that I need to go a long way towards assertive communication, so the pointers you gave to me about how to better communicate with my sister were really helpful. I will try my best to put them into practice. Dunno how successful I'll be, though. But I'll definitely try.

To answer your question about our mother, she is super sweet to my sister and pampers her all the time. My sister claims that if she is not allowed to eat and sleep and buy nice things as she pleases, she will go into major depression. When my mom refuses to spend money on her, she replies with very rude and cutting remarks. But instead of saying anything to my sister, my mom complains to me endlessly about how she is being bled dry. I want to stay out of this drama but somehow I get sucked in (because I love them very much and I am really worried about all of them).

I will definitely read your link on codependency. I can see that our situation is not healthy, but I can't tell exactly what is wrong. Perhaps it is codependency?

I hope you are now happy and in good health. Fighting any addiction is never easy and I really pray and root for your success. Thank you once again for your kindness. And please don't worry, I did not find any part of your reply offensive.
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 12:12 AM
  #6
I have a few suggestions. These are for your benefit but also for theirs.

1.Learn about emotional blackmail and how to deal with it. Your sister is doing this when she gives emotional pain to anyone who doesn't do what she wants.

2. Limit the amount of time that you are willing to listen to them. Thirty or forty-five minutes maximum per person per day of untrammeled complaining is plenty, overly generous even, under the circumstances. Ignore the inevitable ensuing attacks that you don't care, etc. Just ignore them! You have a life, or should, and you are doing them no favors by letting them do whatever they want to you.

3. Do not allow your sister to interrupt you when you are busy. Agree on a time later on, unless she has used up her time for that day. Again: ignore her when she says that you lack empathy! Seriously, you have so much concern for her that what you give her is excessive and disrupting of your own life.

4. Insist kindly but firmly that your mother address complaints about your sister to your sister. Don't listen to such complaints.

5. Rarely if ever offer your sister any of your opinions, since she doesn't actually want them. Being there to listen (are you familiar with active listening? If not, it would be good to become familiar, and to use it with her) is valuable for her in itself, even if you never offer opinions about anything.
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 06:39 AM
  #7
[QUOTE=Bill3;6692300]I have a few suggestions. These are for your benefit but also for theirs.

Bill3 thank you so much for your time. I really need some help in dealing with my family. What I understood from your reply is that I must set some boundaries first and foremost. Limiting negative conversations will help limit the negativity I end up absorbing from them, I guess? It is a great suggestion and I will do my best to follow it. I know it will be easy on days when I will feel frustrated, but more difficult when I will feel more sympathetic. But I gotta start doing it, I agree.

I did not know about active listening. Do you think that is what my sister needs? I will definitely read up on it and hopefully, will be able to implement it. The trouble is I get impatient at times or angry, especially if someone is mistreating my sis. Then it becomes very difficult for me to control my tongue. I think I have a lot to work upon as well. Thank you once again for giving me some guidance. I hope you are doing well.
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 07:19 AM
  #8
Thank you so much for your message and kind words.

I think that active listening on your part can help her. But don’t think in terms of you being the one who provides her with “the solution”. Only she can straighten out her life, you must not feel charged with that responsibility.

I think she could benefit from seeing a therapist—as could you, in my opinion, to help you figure out day-to-day how to help both her and yourself. Family therapy could also be very worthwhile if several family members were willing to attend.

But even if therapy is not possible, I definitely think that you can make a positive contribution through what we discussed above.
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 10:44 AM
  #9
That’s good advice about emotional blackmail. I read briefly on it. It’s very easy for people to fall into a trap like that.
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 12:49 PM
  #10
Bill3, my sister is seeing a psychiatrist. She is under treatment for OCD. I will float the idea of seeing a therapist and see how it goes. Again, thanks for the idea. I really appreciate all of your suggestions and I will make a serious effort to follow them. I am hoping to see at least some positive changes in our dynamics, even if there is no drastic improvement. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Default Nov 22, 2019 at 11:52 AM
  #11
How about helping her to increase her self worth? What I understand is ..She doesn't work.How about making her stand on her own feet financially,rather than just giving her money.What happens when your mom's finances are depleted. She will become dependant on you. Yes,we love our family too much.But there should be a threshold. She is crossing the boundary.You need to define your boundaries with your family.For your own sanity you need to resist unfair manipulation from your own family members.All the best.
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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 03:45 AM
  #12
Hi Mendingmysoul,

Thank you for your kind reply. You are right, my sister suffers from self esteem issues. She also might have a high level of social anxiety. She was employed earlier but it is very difficult for her to hold down jobs. I am not trying to make excuses for her - I acknowledge that lying in bed all day is not doing her an iota of good. I am just stating things as they are. Also she is not horrible to me all the time. There are moments when she is the sweetest person on earth. But I say one thing she doesn't like or my mom refuses one thing she wants, it is like she turns into a whole other person. I am trying to follow the advices I received in this forum and limit negative conversations with her. It has been ok these past 2-3 days. Fingers crossed.
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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 05:25 AM
  #13
@Mendingmysoul
Quote:
How about helping her to increase her self worth?
I disagree. This guy does not need to do another thing for his sisters's self worth. That is not only her job but 100% under her control.She emotionally hijacks his time as it is. No one can change some one elses' self worth.

Quote:
What I understand is ..She doesn't work.How about making her stand on her own feet financially,rather than just giving her money.
He doesnt give her money does he? Maybe I missed that part?
Quote:
What happens when your mom's finances are depleted. She will become dependant on you.
I feel like if the OP makes it clear to his mom that she is enabling his sister by doing this and sets the boundaries for what he would do if she continues then he is not in any way responsible for his mom's finances.

OP- I am assuming you are a guy but cant remember if you defined yourself so my apologies if I am wrong.

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Default Nov 24, 2019 at 06:23 AM
  #14
Hi Sarahsweets!

Thank you for your time. I visit this thread everyday because each and every response has been really helpful to me. To reply to a part of your comment:

He doesnt give her money does he? Maybe I missed that part? I feel like if the OP makes it clear to his mom that she is enabling his sister by doing this and sets the boundaries for what he would do if she continues then he is not in any way responsible for his mom's finances.


You are correct, I don’t give her money. My mom does. In the past I had made it clear that my mom is enabling my sister by doing so. The result was that my mom told sis something like 'Geez I really want to help you out but I can't because Britedark told me not to and said that this is enabling behaviour'. Then both dismissed it as mere spite on my part. I know I am not responsible for cleaning up my mom's mess but I worry about her nonetheless.

Also, after I read your comment I realized that I haven't identified myself! I am a 37 yo woman. Please don't apologise for assuming I am a man. It was entirely my fault
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Default Nov 24, 2019 at 07:03 AM
  #15
I would say rto her; unless you speak to me with respect, we will not have a conversation....she will most likely get angry; disengage.
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Default Mar 10, 2020 at 01:56 AM
  #16
Update:

I took your advice, and for the last 4 months avoided any kind of involvement in my sister and mother's personal lives. I still talk to them, but only about general stuff, books and movies, the weather, etc. I have NEVER felt better! I feel healthy and sane again. I don’t want to jinx it, but I have not been triggered even once in 4 months!

Thank you! Thank you SO so much!! You guys have been really helpful! Big hugs to all of you!!
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