advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Nov 20, 2019 at 01:20 PM
  #1
I feel like alot of times when I try to express my feelings to my wife, she takes them as a insult or accusation of how she is treating me. And I've told her that I just want her to listen and say, ok. I hear you. Then after a while I just don't want to share any more. Then sometimes she dumps her feelings on me and I listen politely. Sometimes, too, when I'm feeling brave enough to share, she just never gives me a chance. I don't want to ask any more, so I just wait for her to say, "how do you feel about issue x?", but she hardly ever does any more.

So, I'm just venting to you guys, now because I need an outlet. Last night she was upset but wouldnt give me a chance to talk. She just talked and then said goodnight. Then she said she couldn't sleep so I offered to play a new song I heard on my phone. It was an upbeat song, but as I was playing it, tears started flowing down my face. She didn't see them because the lights were out. I cried in silence until the song was over. She said thank you and went back to bed. I wish I could share my feelings with her.
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky, Open Eyes, simplex
 
Thanks for this!
Blknblu, LilyMop, MickeyCheeky, simplex

advertisement
bpcyclist
Legendary
 
bpcyclist's Avatar
bpcyclist has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
40.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 20, 2019 at 02:37 PM
  #2
So sorry you are dealing with this. It's interesting, because in my experience, it is often women who complain that their men are always trying to fix them, when what they really want if for us to listen.

I guess what jumps to my mind immediately is couples' counseling. Have you thought about it? The reason I mention it is that the therapist will be able to watch you two interact and he/she will be able to see for themselves what is going on. That could really help you guys. Just a thought.

In any case, I am sorry you are hurting. Whatever you decide to do, I really hope it helps you and your wife.

__________________
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
bpcyclist is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3, Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 20, 2019 at 03:16 PM
  #3
You have said that you need someone to vent to. Do you believe that a therapist may be good for that? I know it's not the same thing but it may be a start. I also COMPLETELY agree with the wise and wonderful @bpcyclist's wise and wonderful suggestion about seeing a Couple Counsellor. It seems like you may BOTH really need it as it doesn't seem like there's a lot of great communication between you two right now. Give it a thought! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your Wife, @guy1111, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Fuzzybear
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Nov 20, 2019 at 04:43 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
So sorry you are dealing with this. It's interesting, because in my experience, it is often women who complain that their men are always trying to fix them, when what they really want if for us to listen.

I guess what jumps to my mind immediately is couples' counseling. Have you thought about it? The reason I mention it is that the therapist will be able to watch you two interact and he/she will be able to see for themselves what is going on. That could really help you guys. Just a thought.

In any case, I am sorry you are hurting. Whatever you decide to do, I really hope it helps you and your wife.
I think men try to fix womens' situations and women try to fix mens' behavior. I will admit I have often been told that I am more emotionally intense than most men, and I need to tone down my sensistivity. We have been to couples therapy. The therapist told us to go and seek individual therapy since we are both off the map.
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Fuzzybear
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3, Blknblu
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Nov 20, 2019 at 04:46 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
You have said that you need someone to vent to. Do you believe that a therapist may be good for that? I know it's not the same thing but it may be a start. I also COMPLETELY agree with the wise and wonderful @bpcyclist's wise and wonderful suggestion about seeing a Couple Counsellor. It seems like you may BOTH really need it as it doesn't seem like there's a lot of great communication between you two right now. Give it a thought! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your Wife, @guy1111, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?! No room for feelings
I am seeing an individual therapist right now. Thanks for the push to keep fighting. I don't want to give up. I enjoy the immediate relief I get from giving and receiving advice on this forum.
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3, MickeyCheeky, simplex
Bill3
Legendary
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
15 yr Member
24.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 21, 2019 at 09:17 AM
  #6
Quote:
The therapist told us to go and seek individual therapy since we are both off the map.
How helpful do you find individual therapy? Does your wife see a therapist as well?
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Fuzzybear, guy1111
simplex
Member
simplex has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Georgia
Posts: 52
3 yr Member
51 hugs
given
Default Nov 21, 2019 at 09:30 AM
  #7
Hey Guy111,

I can relate to what you're posting as I find I deal with this with my wife too. She says I can be too sensitive at times. Now it's gotten to the point where she seems to think she can tell when I'm being sensitive just by my facial expressions, and reactions to stuff she's saying. May be partially true, as I can be senstive at times. But it is frustrating to me when I'm already aware of it and sensitive to it. ugh lol.

I feel sometimes, like she's too critical of me while I am not of her. But then, think, she wants me to be perhaps? I was starting to feel it strongly this morning and avoided stewing in it on the way to work. Anyway, this is what has helped me after doing some self work over the past 3 months.

When I start looking at my part of it, and I find usually it's my interpretation of what she's saying as being critical (usually by her tone). Then I start overthinking whatever she's said, and it can snowball. Also like you, over time, I'd sort of given up on speaking up until the last few months when I realized I needed to do something different. I believe this is a mistake for us (figuring we'll wait until they ask about X, not speaking up). It only builds resentment within us, and makes it harder to speak up in the future. Also we are more sensitive to future, perceived transgressions. Something that may be very very minor will set us off, adding guilt as well.

We stop speaking up because we're worried about their reaction and how they come back at us. We place false guilt on ourselves from how we're interpeting their words or tone or body language. If we do it enough, we tell ourselves we know how they'll react so feel guilty for even thinking of speaking what we want to say. It can become like an internal loop that is just not helpful and strains the relationship.

But I believe the key is practicing assertiveness. I have found when practicing assertiveness that I worry less about what my partner is "critical of" toward me and how she views me. This can lead to looking at where our self worth and esteem is coming from. Should be internal. Once it's internal and not from external sources, it's easier to say what you want to say without fear. Saying it is for you and your mental health.

Here is a link with a nice concise list on being assertive. Check out, 5, 6, 9. Remember too that as you practice assertiveness, people will react differently to you at first because they're not used to it. Wish you luck man I'm in the same boat

10 tips for being assertive - Better Health Channel
simplex is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
continuosly blue, guy1111
LilyMop
Veteran Member
 
LilyMop's Avatar
LilyMop Hoping
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
3 yr Member
81 hugs
given
Default Nov 21, 2019 at 09:38 AM
  #8
@guy1111

I completely disagree that you should tone down your sensitivity.

Have you ever read any of Brene Brown’s books on vulnerability and shame? She also has some YouTube talks. She said a man once told her that the women in his life would rather see him die on top of his white horse than watch him fall down. She was incredibly humbled by what this man said to her and it led her down a whole new path in her research and her career.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger also has a lot to say about how women treat their husbands and while she is harsh in her delivery, I do like her message. She’s got a Podcast and some books.

I’m very sorry you’re feeling sad and I do agree that marriage counseling would be a good thing. If you could find the right counselor and if your wife would be willing to go it might really help open up communication. I don’t think your wife has even a clue about how you feel. I would like to believe that if she understood the power of her actions, she would want to make a change.
LilyMop is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
guy1111
continuosly blue
Veteran Member
 
continuosly blue's Avatar
continuosly blue has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 533
10 yr Member
55 hugs
given
Default Nov 22, 2019 at 12:03 AM
  #9
My feelings are totally ignored also. I just wish I had the strength
to leave. I just want to be alone. I'm so sick and tired of this relationship
bull****.

__________________
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

*Disclaimer * Anything I have posted is strictly my own personal opinion or experience , and is in no way, shape, or form
meant to portray a professional assesment of any kind.
CB
continuosly blue is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Fuzzybear
 
Thanks for this!
guy1111
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Nov 24, 2019 at 09:48 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
How helpful do you find individual therapy? Does your wife see a therapist as well?
I find it extremely helpful! I'm glad I'm going back. For a period of time, my schedule wouldn't allow it. I know it's better to talk to the person hurting you directly, but at least with therapy it doesn't stay bottled up. I just hope some day I'm able to speak up to her.
We went out on a date last night and I was so nervous I would say something to offend her. We had a good time on the outside, but inside I found it very hard to relax. I had to keep telling myself, don't screw up! It's exhausting trying to pretend to be positive and happy.
I need this marriage to work for my kids' sake. I can't give up!
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear, Open Eyes
 
Thanks for this!
simplex
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 24, 2019 at 12:35 PM
  #11
Hi guy1111, welcome to PC. Can I ask how old you are? That will help me see what stage of life you are in better.
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Nov 25, 2019 at 10:35 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by simplex View Post
Hey Guy111,

I can relate to what you're posting as I find I deal with this with my wife too. She says I can be too sensitive at times. Now it's gotten to the point where she seems to think she can tell when I'm being sensitive just by my facial expressions, and reactions to stuff she's saying. May be partially true, as I can be senstive at times. But it is frustrating to me when I'm already aware of it and sensitive to it. ugh lol.

I feel sometimes, like she's too critical of me while I am not of her. But then, think, she wants me to be perhaps? I was starting to feel it strongly this morning and avoided stewing in it on the way to work. Anyway, this is what has helped me after doing some self work over the past 3 months.

When I start looking at my part of it, and I find usually it's my interpretation of what she's saying as being critical (usually by her tone). Then I start overthinking whatever she's said, and it can snowball. Also like you, over time, I'd sort of given up on speaking up until the last few months when I realized I needed to do something different. I believe this is a mistake for us (figuring we'll wait until they ask about X, not speaking up). It only builds resentment within us, and makes it harder to speak up in the future. Also we are more sensitive to future, perceived transgressions. Something that may be very very minor will set us off, adding guilt as well.

We stop speaking up because we're worried about their reaction and how they come back at us. We place false guilt on ourselves from how we're interpeting their words or tone or body language. If we do it enough, we tell ourselves we know how they'll react so feel guilty for even thinking of speaking what we want to say. It can become like an internal loop that is just not helpful and strains the relationship.

But I believe the key is practicing assertiveness. I have found when practicing assertiveness that I worry less about what my partner is "critical of" toward me and how she views me. This can lead to looking at where our self worth and esteem is coming from. Should be internal. Once it's internal and not from external sources, it's easier to say what you want to say without fear. Saying it is for you and your mental health.

Here is a link with a nice concise list on being assertive. Check out, 5, 6, 9. Remember too that as you practice assertiveness, people will react differently to you at first because they're not used to it. Wish you luck man I'm in the same boat

10 tips for being assertive - Better Health Channel
Thanks! I will work on those assertiveness techniques.

I can relate to everything you said. Dwelling on what my wife says, being afraud to speak up because of her reactions, etc. You mentioned her being critical of you and wondering if she wants you to be critical of her in some weird way. I think my wife is always asking my opinion of things but I just dont want to any more because I'm tired of her reactions to my opinions. But I think maybe they just want our support. Like if she says, "What do you think about X?" She is really just wanting us to say, "Ya, babe! That's great!" Even when inside we're scared or nervous, etc.

I have the same problem too where she reads my mind with my facial expressions and sometimes she's right, but not all the time and it's so hard to try and hide my facial expressions. I just smile all the time and it's exhausting.
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
simplex
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Nov 26, 2019 at 12:23 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
@guy1111

I completely disagree that you should tone down your sensitivity.

Have you ever read any of Brene Brown’s books on vulnerability and shame? She also has some YouTube talks. She said a man once told her that the women in his life would rather see him die on top of his white horse than watch him fall down. She was incredibly humbled by what this man said to her and it led her down a whole new path in her research and her career.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger also has a lot to say about how women treat their husbands and while she is harsh in her delivery, I do like her message. She’s got a Podcast and some books.

I’m very sorry you’re feeling sad and I do agree that marriage counseling would be a good thing. If you could find the right counselor and if your wife would be willing to go it might really help open up communication. I don’t think your wife has even a clue about how you feel. I would like to believe that if she understood the power of her actions, she would want to make a change.
Thank you for your advice! I checked out Brener and her TED talk on shame and vulnerability. I needed to hear that. It's so true and profound to me! A huge thing she said is that while men have trouble sitting still and not making it worse while women are BEING vulnerable and having a crisis, women have trouble sitting still and not making it worse while men try and open up and speak from vulnerablility. Makes me a little more sympathetic to my wife.

Also, I agree that she probably has no idea how I feel. She probably freaks out when I try to share feelings and thinks, "why is my man acting weak right now!? It must be my fault!" Maybe that's why I always get attacked when I try to open up.

Thanks again!!! I needed to hear that.
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LilyMop
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Nov 26, 2019 at 10:49 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by continuosly blue View Post
My feelings are totally ignored also. I just wish I had the strength
to leave. I just want to be alone. I'm so sick and tired of this relationship
bull****.
We can't rely on others for all our needs. Thats why I come here, to hear other people with similar issues. We understand how it feels to be dominated. I think it's good to vent out your frustrations. Maybe the pain will never go away, but I can be comfortable at times.

I'm sorry your feelings are being ignored. That IS a lonely place to be. It's hard to keep moving forward when you are exhausted from trying, failing, hurting, numbing, and just waking up sometimes. Maybe do something for yourself today, even if it's just walk outside and look at the sky and breathe in fresh air and go back inside. But don't tell anyone. Just do it for you.
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Nov 26, 2019 at 10:50 AM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Hi guy1111, welcome to PC. Can I ask how old you are? That will help me see what stage of life you are in better.
I'm in my late 30's. Hope that helps.
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
simplex
simplex
Member
simplex has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Georgia
Posts: 52
3 yr Member
51 hugs
given
Default Dec 02, 2019 at 02:58 PM
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
Thanks! I will work on those assertiveness techniques.

But I think maybe they just want our support. Like if she says, "What do you think about X?" She is really just wanting us to say, "Ya, babe! That's great!" Even when inside we're scared or nervous, etc.
You're welcome! Having to go back and continue working on them myself continuously but it is good change.

I quoted a snippet of your response because I think this may be part of the problem. In that instance, I believe she really just wants your honest opinion, even if the opinion isn't what you think she wants to hear (we have no way of knowing that but think we do). I used to do this often in past relationships and it never ends well.

The trick is not worrying about her reaction and just expressing your honest opinion, while being respectful of course. Then, with whatever comes, you have the piece of mind knowing you were true to yourself.

Hope things have gotten a little better between you two!
simplex is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
guy1111
Member
guy1111 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
5 yr Member
Default Dec 05, 2019 at 10:08 AM
  #17
Quote:
Originally Posted by simplex View Post

The trick is not worrying about her reaction and just expressing your honest opinion, while being respectful of course. Then, with whatever comes, you have the piece of mind knowing you were true to yourself.

Hope things have gotten a little better between you two!
This makes sense, but for me, if I don't get a respectful response then I lose my focus and she pulls me off on a tangent and I forget all about the original topic. I used to get gaslit all the time by my ex-wife and mother. So, I am hoping that individual therapy will help me to be more grounded and focused and my emotions will be less extreme. Maybe then I can be more assertive and keep the issue from getting clouded.

I could be wrong, maybe a female could chime in. I do think that at times women do want to just hear a supporting response regardless of your true position. The old example would be "do I look fat?" Most times they are just asking "do you still find me beautiful?" I don't think they want to hear "well, honestly you have gained a few pounds but most of it shows in your cheeks and it kind of makes you look more cheery. Maybe you should try hiding it with a little blush."
guy1111 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:50 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.