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guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#1
I feel like alot of times when I try to express my feelings to my wife, she takes them as a insult or accusation of how she is treating me. And I've told her that I just want her to listen and say, ok. I hear you. Then after a while I just don't want to share any more. Then sometimes she dumps her feelings on me and I listen politely. Sometimes, too, when I'm feeling brave enough to share, she just never gives me a chance. I don't want to ask any more, so I just wait for her to say, "how do you feel about issue x?", but she hardly ever does any more.
So, I'm just venting to you guys, now because I need an outlet. Last night she was upset but wouldnt give me a chance to talk. She just talked and then said goodnight. Then she said she couldn't sleep so I offered to play a new song I heard on my phone. It was an upbeat song, but as I was playing it, tears started flowing down my face. She didn't see them because the lights were out. I cried in silence until the song was over. She said thank you and went back to bed. I wish I could share my feelings with her. |
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bpcyclist
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#2
So sorry you are dealing with this. It's interesting, because in my experience, it is often women who complain that their men are always trying to fix them, when what they really want if for us to listen.
I guess what jumps to my mind immediately is couples' counseling. Have you thought about it? The reason I mention it is that the therapist will be able to watch you two interact and he/she will be able to see for themselves what is going on. That could really help you guys. Just a thought. In any case, I am sorry you are hurting. Whatever you decide to do, I really hope it helps you and your wife. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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MickeyCheeky
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#3
You have said that you need someone to vent to. Do you believe that a therapist may be good for that? I know it's not the same thing but it may be a start. I also COMPLETELY agree with the wise and wonderful @bpcyclist's wise and wonderful suggestion about seeing a Couple Counsellor. It seems like you may BOTH really need it as it doesn't seem like there's a lot of great communication between you two right now. Give it a thought! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your Wife, @guy1111, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#4
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#5
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#6
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simplex
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#7
Hey Guy111,
I can relate to what you're posting as I find I deal with this with my wife too. She says I can be too sensitive at times. Now it's gotten to the point where she seems to think she can tell when I'm being sensitive just by my facial expressions, and reactions to stuff she's saying. May be partially true, as I can be senstive at times. But it is frustrating to me when I'm already aware of it and sensitive to it. ugh lol. I feel sometimes, like she's too critical of me while I am not of her. But then, think, she wants me to be perhaps? I was starting to feel it strongly this morning and avoided stewing in it on the way to work. Anyway, this is what has helped me after doing some self work over the past 3 months. When I start looking at my part of it, and I find usually it's my interpretation of what she's saying as being critical (usually by her tone). Then I start overthinking whatever she's said, and it can snowball. Also like you, over time, I'd sort of given up on speaking up until the last few months when I realized I needed to do something different. I believe this is a mistake for us (figuring we'll wait until they ask about X, not speaking up). It only builds resentment within us, and makes it harder to speak up in the future. Also we are more sensitive to future, perceived transgressions. Something that may be very very minor will set us off, adding guilt as well. We stop speaking up because we're worried about their reaction and how they come back at us. We place false guilt on ourselves from how we're interpeting their words or tone or body language. If we do it enough, we tell ourselves we know how they'll react so feel guilty for even thinking of speaking what we want to say. It can become like an internal loop that is just not helpful and strains the relationship. But I believe the key is practicing assertiveness. I have found when practicing assertiveness that I worry less about what my partner is "critical of" toward me and how she views me. This can lead to looking at where our self worth and esteem is coming from. Should be internal. Once it's internal and not from external sources, it's easier to say what you want to say without fear. Saying it is for you and your mental health. Here is a link with a nice concise list on being assertive. Check out, 5, 6, 9. Remember too that as you practice assertiveness, people will react differently to you at first because they're not used to it. Wish you luck man I'm in the same boat 10 tips for being assertive - Better Health Channel |
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LilyMop
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#8
@guy1111
I completely disagree that you should tone down your sensitivity. Have you ever read any of Brene Brown’s books on vulnerability and shame? She also has some YouTube talks. She said a man once told her that the women in his life would rather see him die on top of his white horse than watch him fall down. She was incredibly humbled by what this man said to her and it led her down a whole new path in her research and her career. Dr. Laura Schlessinger also has a lot to say about how women treat their husbands and while she is harsh in her delivery, I do like her message. She’s got a Podcast and some books. I’m very sorry you’re feeling sad and I do agree that marriage counseling would be a good thing. If you could find the right counselor and if your wife would be willing to go it might really help open up communication. I don’t think your wife has even a clue about how you feel. I would like to believe that if she understood the power of her actions, she would want to make a change. |
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guy1111
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continuosly blue
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#9
My feelings are totally ignored also. I just wish I had the strength
to leave. I just want to be alone. I'm so sick and tired of this relationship bull****. __________________ Today is the first day of the rest of my life. *Disclaimer * Anything I have posted is strictly my own personal opinion or experience , and is in no way, shape, or form meant to portray a professional assesment of any kind. CB |
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Bill3, Fuzzybear
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guy1111
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#10
Quote:
We went out on a date last night and I was so nervous I would say something to offend her. We had a good time on the outside, but inside I found it very hard to relax. I had to keep telling myself, don't screw up! It's exhausting trying to pretend to be positive and happy. I need this marriage to work for my kids' sake. I can't give up! |
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simplex
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Open Eyes
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#11
Hi guy1111, welcome to PC. Can I ask how old you are? That will help me see what stage of life you are in better.
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#12
Quote:
I can relate to everything you said. Dwelling on what my wife says, being afraud to speak up because of her reactions, etc. You mentioned her being critical of you and wondering if she wants you to be critical of her in some weird way. I think my wife is always asking my opinion of things but I just dont want to any more because I'm tired of her reactions to my opinions. But I think maybe they just want our support. Like if she says, "What do you think about X?" She is really just wanting us to say, "Ya, babe! That's great!" Even when inside we're scared or nervous, etc. I have the same problem too where she reads my mind with my facial expressions and sometimes she's right, but not all the time and it's so hard to try and hide my facial expressions. I just smile all the time and it's exhausting. |
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simplex
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#13
Quote:
Also, I agree that she probably has no idea how I feel. She probably freaks out when I try to share feelings and thinks, "why is my man acting weak right now!? It must be my fault!" Maybe that's why I always get attacked when I try to open up. Thanks again!!! I needed to hear that. |
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guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#14
Quote:
I'm sorry your feelings are being ignored. That IS a lonely place to be. It's hard to keep moving forward when you are exhausted from trying, failing, hurting, numbing, and just waking up sometimes. Maybe do something for yourself today, even if it's just walk outside and look at the sky and breathe in fresh air and go back inside. But don't tell anyone. Just do it for you. |
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#15
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simplex
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Member
simplex
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Location: Georgia
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#16
Quote:
I quoted a snippet of your response because I think this may be part of the problem. In that instance, I believe she really just wants your honest opinion, even if the opinion isn't what you think she wants to hear (we have no way of knowing that but think we do). I used to do this often in past relationships and it never ends well. The trick is not worrying about her reaction and just expressing your honest opinion, while being respectful of course. Then, with whatever comes, you have the piece of mind knowing you were true to yourself. Hope things have gotten a little better between you two! |
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#17
Quote:
I could be wrong, maybe a female could chime in. I do think that at times women do want to just hear a supporting response regardless of your true position. The old example would be "do I look fat?" Most times they are just asking "do you still find me beautiful?" I don't think they want to hear "well, honestly you have gained a few pounds but most of it shows in your cheeks and it kind of makes you look more cheery. Maybe you should try hiding it with a little blush." |
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