FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
4 23.7k hugs
given |
#1
There is a woman with whom I've been very close friends for half a century (basically, all of our lives). She's a terrific mom and has two adult children, just like I do. I've always thought of her as someone with high ethics and decent morals. I've always respected her.
Last week my friend invited me to join a Facebook group she moderates. I agreed. It's a private group, and as soon as my request to join was accepted I found out that the group is an "adults only" group. Erotica that (in my opinion) is demeaning to both women and men. Encouraging inappropriately invasive "games" (example: "Truth: would you rather...or..." and the answers are about certain sexual acts). So, you get the idea. I find the group totally offensive, ignorant, and revolting. On top of that it's very triggering for me. I've quietly stopped participating in the group (after 1 upsetting day of trying to fake my interest so as not to hurt my friend's feelings). I know she's going to ask me why I'm not posting there. I don't know what the heck to say. The word "triggering" wouldn't mean anything to her. If I tell her that I find the group unappealing she's going to be offended. But I definitely do not want to be a part of the group. I don't even want my name associated with it. In addition, the group's content is so superficial and depressing to me. Does anybody have ideas for a gentle, but clear, way to tell my friend that I'm not interested in her group? (I'll avoid telling her that I'm surprised and saddened that she even participates in such a creepy group.) __________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, bpcyclist, Buffy01, Discombobulated, lightly toasted, MickeyCheeky
|
Buffy01, MickeyCheeky
|
Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: Here and There
Posts: 1,147
5 1,724 hugs
given |
#2
Gosh, what a shock, eh?!
When I've been put on this sort of spot, I just simply say "Sorry, It's just not my thing" and leave it at that. This must be so awkward for you, things like this really change how you see a person you've known for years. It can make one yearn for the days of just not knowing about this. And you scratch your head thinking "Why would she think I'd be into this sort of thing?" |
Reply With Quote |
bpcyclist, Buffy01
|
*Beth*, Buffy01, Discombobulated, unaluna, WovenGalaxy
|
Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681
(SuperPoster!)
4 40.2k hugs
given |
#3
I would agree with lightly above. Just come up with your version of, "It's just not something I'm really interested in pursuing at this time, but thank you for the offer."
Polite, but still taking action that is in your interest. If she is offended by that, well then, Maybe she isn't exactly entirely who you imagined she was. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*, Discombobulated, unaluna, WovenGalaxy
|
catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
4 23.7k hugs
given |
#4
Thanks to both of you. Yeah, the shock I feel...it makes me sad. I thought she was I dunno...something different. Honest and sweet, I guess. Now I find that she has this unsettling dark side.
The thing is, if I already know someone has interest in porn and so on, I would know right off what I'm dealing with. Okay. But the objectifying both men and women...it's just not okay with me. Hopefully, she won't notice if I'm not in the group much...or the group will collapse on its own. If she asks I'll say what you both have suggested. __________________ |
Reply With Quote |
lightly toasted, unaluna
|
Crowned "The Good Witch"
Member Since Jun 2009
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 11,535
(SuperPoster!)
14 1,318 hugs
given |
#5
Erotica and BDSM is not everyone's cup of tea. It does not make it wrong. You may want to find it flattering that of all the years she's known you, she has finally worked up the courage to invite you into being part of an aspect of sexuality she enjoys. On the other hand, she should have communicated with you before inviting you to an erotic group of that nature.
You may want to tell her, "I appreciate the offer and I respect your interest in this activity and I am grateful you trust me enough to be open with me about this, but this is not something I would like to be part of and would prefer not to discuss this topic on Facebook." |
Reply With Quote |
happysobercrafter
|
happysobercrafter, unaluna
|
catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
4 23.7k hugs
given |
#6
Quote:
__________________ |
|
Reply With Quote |
Open Eyes
|
Crowned "The Good Witch"
Member Since Jun 2009
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 11,535
(SuperPoster!)
14 1,318 hugs
given |
#7
Beth, you didn't describe this group at all other than "creepy". How am I supposed to know what the group is about?
|
Reply With Quote |
Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006
(SuperPoster!)
5 192 hugs
given |
#8
Beth can you share a little more about why its creepy?
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
Reply With Quote |
WovenGalaxy
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,699
(SuperPoster!)
4 11.6k hugs
given |
#9
I think what I'm taking from this is that the main issue seems to be she invited you to join a group and didn't explain to you what it was about.
Would it have felt different if she had talked to you in person beforehand and you had got to discuss between you about her group? |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
4 81 hugs
given |
#10
Are you certain it would hurt her feelings if you said you don’t want to be part of this group? Not everybody shares the same interests. Would she be interested in joining every group or hobby that you enjoy? It’s not likely. It doesn’t seem reasonable to me that she should be upset if you just tell her this isn’t something you enjoy.
|
Reply With Quote |
happysobercrafter
|
*Beth*, Discombobulated, happysobercrafter, WovenGalaxy
|
Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Somewhere in South America
Posts: 2,222
8 1,040 hugs
given |
#11
I agree with the others that said, just say something like it's just not something of interest to me. It's not like you're required to like all the same things.
|
Reply With Quote |
bpcyclist, happysobercrafter
|
*Beth*, happysobercrafter, WovenGalaxy
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,378
(SuperPoster!)
9 1,277 hugs
given |
#12
I think it’s pretty easy to just tell people you are not interested. If someone tells me to join knitters group I’d say I am not interested. I don’t knit. Same here. Just not your thing.
I’d be careful about passing judgements though. Unless she condones illegal stuff, I don’t see what morals have to do with it. I don’t see how it makes her immoral. Hopefully everyone in that group is an adult and no one is forced to do anything. So since it’s not your thing just don’t partake. No big deal I went back and reread what you posted after you received an advice. Apparently this group are all racists and bigots who degrade others because of their MI. You originally said this group was about erotica that you find immoral. You got responses based on your original post. |
Reply With Quote |
bpcyclist
|
*Beth*
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,533
(SuperPoster!)
6 9,711 hugs
given |
#13
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
bpcyclist
|
*Beth*, Discombobulated, WovenGalaxy
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,533
(SuperPoster!)
6 9,711 hugs
given |
#14
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
bpcyclist
|
*Beth*
|
catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
4 23.7k hugs
given |
#15
I really don't want to have to go into trigger warnings by giving detailed descriptions, so I'll just say that the group is triggering for me. It crosses boundaries for me. I am extremely uncomfortable with objectifying women (and men). I will not tolerate racism, and don't find racist jokes amusing.
Why am I disappointed with my friend? Because I have never known her to find amusement in objectifying anyone, nor have I ever known her to be racist. Her cousin made her a mod for the group and I feel like my friend is succumbing to peer pressure. This thread is going in a direction that is causes me stress that I really can't cope well with right now. I appreciate the support. I will tell my friend that the group is just not for me. The "knitting" example makes perfect sense. With that, I'm asking that we allow this thread to stop. Thanks very much. __________________ |
Reply With Quote |
bpcyclist, unaluna, WovenGalaxy
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
Posts: 3,111
12 60 hugs
given |
#16
You don't owe her an explanation, but if she asks (the keep it simple rule), and simply say you arent interested, if she pushes you for more information, repeat yourself
|
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*, bpcyclist, happysobercrafter
|
*Beth*, happysobercrafter, unaluna, WovenGalaxy
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 603
5 229 hugs
given |
#17
Agree with others, the simple answer is it doesn't interest you. Finding out she has a predilection for something you find unacceptable has come as a shock after being friends for so long.
Life, with or without social media, will always deliver surprises or shocks. You have the choice whether to join in or not. How she accepts your comment will show how strong your friendship is. Whilst reading posts on this site, I've received a message from a member of the website where I write a blog. To say I was shocked by what he'd written is an understatement, as my contact with this guy has only ever been on social media. Will be interested to see if moderator passes any comment. Some people feel the need to say something instead of keeping quiet!! |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*
|
*Beth*
|
Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: Michigan
Posts: 34
4 41 hugs
given |
#18
The porn industry capitalizes on people who are vulnerable and tries to get them to place their significance and validity on having sexual partners, experiences or consuming pornographic content which only destroys our individual self-esteem and our intimate relationships with others. You don't need to give an explanation about why you don't want to be a part of something like that. But, if you feel you must I would just keep it short and straight up "I'm not interested in this".
+ When you get some time check out the organization Fight The New Drug, might be something you're interested in as well. Home - Fight the New Drug |
Reply With Quote |
MickeyCheeky
|
MickeyCheeky
|
Reply |
|