Gaslighted by my sister yet again...so annoying

After two people backed out of inviting me over for Thanksgiving, I called my sister to see if she was going to invite our mother over to her house (our mother is now in a nursing home). She said, yes, she was. She didn't outright invite me to her house for Thanksgiving. So, I put the olive branch out there, offering to pick up our mother from the nursing home, and take her to my sister's house. My sister actually appreciated the olive branch so that was her way of indirectly letting me come over for Thanksgiving.

My mother and I were only there for 2 hours and then our mother was tired so I drove her back to her nursing home. While at my sisters, my nephew shared the news that my brother took my sister and her children to FL for a 3-day birthday celebration for one of his son's, and as a thank you to my sister for her part in helping our mother transition into a nursing home (whole back story to that fyi).

So, here's where my sister gaslighted me yet again...so annoying.

Tonight, I called her to ask what Christmas gift would my autistic nephew (her son) like? That lead to me commenting on how nice it was that our brother took my sister and her children to FL.

Where the gaslighting happened, was when my sister commented, "I almost didn't want to tell you because I knew if I did, you'd make it about yourself. I don't want to get involved in the feud between you and our brother."

Yet, the irony is SHE IS INVOLVED. SHE WENT TO FL WITH HIM. She is clearly very much part of the triangulation (she and our brother team up against me, the loser sister). She said it to deflect her guilt (I think) over going to FL without including me. Better (in her mind) to insult me, to take the guilt off of herself (I think). I mean, what the hell!

My brother and I have been estranged for years. And, my sister KNEW about his plans to cut me off, before I did. And I found out when I called him to ask him why he didn't invite me over for Easter dinner (my niece told me) and that's when he told me he wanted nothing to do with me. So, my sister was very much an active participant in the triangulation between the three of us siblings. Very much.

She's always hung out with our brother b/c they both have children, and she's refused to include me in her children's after-school lives (sports, concerts, birthdays after they reached elementary school age).

So, when my sister made that nasty gaslighting comment, I knew exactly why she was saying it. It still hurt my feelings that she won't accept me for who I am. Gaslighters are people who need you to stay the same; you are not allowed to evolve, be successful or happy, or have vulnerabilities or weaknesses.

You are not allowed to be different, because then they can't emotionally manipulate you and control the way you feel about yourself (in their warped mind). I've been listening to a podcast where gaslighters like my sister are referred to "hijackals" because they hijack your sense of self, with their emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation.

I'm angry at my sister for acting this way with me, because it's so immature. I don't care that our brother took her to FL. Do I feel left out? Yes, but that's normal. I will always feel left out. It hurts to be shunned by your own family members.

I have memories of when I lived in another city and was successful and my sister and her husband came to visit. And instead of saying positive things to me about where I lived and worked and everything, all my sister did was criticize and judge and mock me. So, this has been our sibling dynamic since we were little. I don't know why it developed that way between us but that's just the way it did.

I'm just so irritated that my sister would deflect and accuse me of making it about me, when I asked her about why our brother took her to FL. Like, get over yourself already. I know if I ever had the money and offered to take her and her children on a 3-day vacation she'd make up an excuse not to go.

And, no, I don't want to cut off contact with her 3 children because they love me and I love them. And I'm already kept at a distance by my sister who won't invite me to go to their sporting events or concerts, so I was lucky to see them last night for Thanksgiving for 2 hours which was nice. I have no idea what they really think about me, and I probably never will.

I won't bore you with my normal speal about tis the season for toxic family, I will say my life has been much improved since I figured out I was an only child as an adult ,I am more than irritable lately I told someone today GTFOH well you still have parts big enough to bury ,at that point I had the feelling thats not me ,not who i am ,gas lighting ticks me off in ways that nothing else on this earth can. Remember to breathe ! Take care of you .

My life got way better when I finally wrote off my ********* brother and his ********* wife. You can have 'em. He isn't my brother. He never was. He's just some guy I share some genetics with.

That's really tough. My instinct would be to write your sister off. But I understand that you don't want ot lose contact with her children. How old are they? Is there any way to have some sort of contact with them without your sister's involvement? Or, would that be posible in a few more years? I guess in the meantime, just do limited visits to maintain some level of contact. If she starts violating your boundaries, then I'd cut the visit short.

If you can't or don't want to cut off contacts with your Sister, then it'd be good to at least severely reduce them. Unfortunately that means that you will see your Nephews less often but I'm afraid that's the best compromise you can make. I am so sorry you're feeling hurt. No wonder you'd feel that way. Family members are the closest people to us so it hurts REALLY BADLY when they cut us off without apparent reason. Try to manage and to do your best by yourself. You are strong and indipendent. You can make it. Still, I deeply understand your pain! Keep writing and venting here if it helps. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @StreetcarBlanche, your Family, your Mother, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

*schpiel* ( love that word, by the way)

I agree with you that the holidays are the WORST time of year for toxic family systems, because it's like a Hallmark overload of branding the living-close family system together at Thanksgiving and Christmas -- all to sell retail merchandise. So effed up.

How did you separate yourself permanently (?) from your family? Do you have a support system like a therapist?

I hate gaslighters. My sister and brother are masters in gaslighting. I wrote in another thread that I feel like they became gaslighters as a defense mechanism against our parents' dysfunctional parenting (withdrawn and emotionally detached, neglectful father and a bipolar, borderline mother who stifles and invades and crosses personal boundaries with verbal and emotional abuse).

No matter how many books and journal articles I read, podcasts I listen to about gaslighting and narcissism and dysfunctional family systems, I can't find a way to get my brother and sister to change and treat me with respect.

All the assertiveness training and everything I've tried with my sister (since I'm estranged from our brother) doesn't work. She's stubborn as hell! She won't allow me to change. She won't accept me for who I am. She doesn't like me. I'll tell her this too, "You don't even like me."

Sorry to hear bpcyclist. And I wasn't ranting at you in my other thread, so I hope you didn't think I discounted any of your support because I don't discount it. I want ranting about people in my life offline like my sister, distant acquaintances who won't let me feel bad about my situation, who want me to be toxically happy and optimistic.

How did you write off your brother and his wife? What happened? If you're comfortable sharing. And, kudos to you for putting yourself first. That's the hardest part about being the victim of toxic siblings/family members who gaslight the family member they target as weak or less valuable than (this is my opinion, how I perceive family dynamics -- like a pack of wolves who attack the perceived weak member of their pack).

You're correct too. They are just people we share genetics with. Does that mean we are bound to them or should defer to them? No, but I am the idiot because I KNOW I should walk away 100% from my sister and estrange myself from her like I did with our brother. I make excuses because I am afraid I'll never see or hear from her 3 children again whom I adore but already rarely see.

Hey rechu. Yeah, my sister's children are the closest I have to children as an unmarried woman. My niece is a freshman in college, her younger brother is a junior in high school (he has autism and is my godson) and the youngest brother is in 8th grade.

Well, I've tried texting my youngest nephew and my niece to invite them to lunch or to the movies or some fun family-event around town and they never respond...or my sister will find out b/c they'll tell her I contacted them to ask, and she'll text me or call me up and yell at me for reaching out to invite them to hang out.

Even when I bring up to my sister, "You intentionally have kept me at arm's length from being a part of your children's lives, not inviting me to their sporting or after school activities, never inviting me to hang out, never accepting my invitations to hang out together." To which her response is utter silence. She has no response so she ignores my concern. She doesn't care.

That is the brick wall-- she doesn't care about helping foster a relationship with her children. She doesn't WANT me involved with her children outside of the rare annual Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter holiday gathering.

She violates my boundaries via text messaging or phone calls ALL the time.

MickeyCheeky, I already never see my sister's children outside of when my sister decides to invite me or I'm conveniently available to help drive our mother to her house for the holidays.

I definitely am trying to manage my life alone without my sister. Now, when I want emotional support I won't call my sister anymore which is what I used to do. I'll come here, or go to one of the walk-in clinics in my city and vent to a therapist. Or I'll distract myself with tv or grad school work, or come here and post, or job search.

I haven't changed in 20+ years so my life has been stagnant. That's my own fault. I need to figure out how to change my life's direction without the approval of my toxic siblings, now that our mother's in a nursing home with dementia. But how to do that, when I have no infrastructure of emotional support that is stable; that is the question.

Sometimes there really is no gain at all from trying to present an olive branch. Instead it's just another invitation to getting dragged in the mud again. Sadly, this can actually be the worst in one's own family too.

OpenEyes I don't know what you mean with your post. Please be more explicit and more simple.

No, often there simply is no changing another person, especially when that other person insists on being distant or toxic/dysfunctional/ overly controlling. It's often especially hard when it comes to a toxic/dysfunctional family in that once you are put into a role, your family members tend to insist you remain in that role.

Oh, ok. Thanks for that clarification Open Eyes. Yes, I agree that once our family members label us, we can't rid ourselves of their label no matter what positive steps we take. It almost seems like, the healthy people are forced into therapy, whereas the toxic, dysfunctional people remain unscathed because they have more social influence or power over the healthy person. I need to research this more. I believe it to be true.

Honestly blanch, a dysfunctional family or family member can result in the healthier individual/individuals needing to reach out for therapy and help.

I have been dealing with a very toxic older sister for a while, she is obsessed with control and she doesn't care if she has to lie to maintain that control. Honestly, I can't even think the twisted way she thinks AT ALL. She needs to believe she is superior to everyone else.

I don't or can't recommend this to anyone but I made the decision to cut my whole family off. It actually started with them doing it to me, and I was the one pushing and shoving myself to get involved with them. The last draw was when my sister decided to stop talking to me, and couldn't tell me why.

I decided to hand it over to God and let him deal with it, meanwhile yes I am alone, and lonely and miss my family but my sister pushing me out of her life was probably the best thing that could have happened.

I no longer have that burden to carry along with guilt of doing or saying the wrong thing. Kind of like a sense of freedom. I actually get anxious and sick if they try and get a hold of me, so I know it isn't in my best interest to engage with them anymore.

I spent 44 years trying to be worthy of my birth family ,get involved ,get kicked in the head,rinse and repeat.

I finnaly woke up and realized our definition of family and love were wholly incompatable and the endless gas lighting was not worth it ,i should have shut them off years before when I got diagnosed there answer to I have a rare incurable illness was "so" ,I am the youngest of 3 kids they have 12, being family I was trying to warn them ,what's killing me got into family DNA somewhere , I was worried about them having it and it not having expressed itself, I could offer them genetic decoding and counseling thru my insurance free to them ,a simple blood test ,they refused.

That's when I cut them out of my life ,YIPPEE!!
Free at last ,I am healthier and happier having cut that toxic mess loose ,I won't lie sometimes yes it gets lonely and then I think about all the drana and abuse I miss and soon I am back to YIPPEE!!.

Toxic people and toxic families rarely get better,we can escape there gravitational pull however and live happily without them ,we just have to decide enough and make the leap ,its not a hard leap many have done it before us,stick to your guns get away, stay away .

You sound hurt,and i think it would be great if you could ask them out for a coffee and a chat.Maybe write a letter to each and they to you and sit and discuss it all. If they say no then i would say its time to move on and find happiness of your own.( Hugs0