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Old 12-01-2019, 01:18 PM   #21
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Default Re: Roommate not put into in-patienty treatment

Given what you have shared blanch, I can understand how this situation really bothers you. It's hard sometimes to get a real picture of what someone is actually trying to share without seeing it one's self. I have tried to share what I have experienced in dealing with my older sister and I honestly don't think others understand just how toxic she can really be. She can get so incredibly toxic that it's been embarrassing that she is my sister. People tend to actually hide when she is around to avoid her and that includes nurses and professionals in the health care field. Even a lawyer she hired had to appologize to my lawyer for something that was sent to my lawyer that my sister wrote. My lawyer, after meeting her looked at me and said OMG what a mean witch your sister is, WOW. Truth is, her behavior has been so toxic it has traumatized me.
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Old 12-02-2019, 10:36 PM   #22
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Default Re: Roommate not put into in-patienty treatment

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Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
Your situation sucks in many levels , Iím sorry

Why not ask her sister to have a lock installed on your bedroom door. Would give you more of a sense of safety maybe?

Itís true unless someone is suicidal or a threat to someone there just isnít a bed IP for them. If she doesnít want help to get better no one can force her.

It sucks that your in a situation that right now you have no way to physically escape and find a better living situation

It is possible that her sister is using you as a safety net for her sister , if things get outta hand she probably thinks you would call her. Totally wrong for her to do this to you. Does she expect you to call her if her sister really gets bad or something?

Iím sorry your in such a lousy situation
It sucks on SO many levels. Yes indeed it does.

I can ask her sister via text if I can install a lock on my guest bedroom door that I rent. The worst she can say is no. Right now, I have been using a chair (I told my family physician about my roommate b/c I had been thinking about seeing a therapist but can't with my temp hours so I have to see random unlicensed grad school social worker students at the evening walk in clinic for emotional support).

I do think you are right -- that my roommate's sister is using me as a safety net. That, I'm here to prevent my roommate from harming herself at the very worst, and that I would call my roommate's sister with updates if something happened.

I do feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I read that caretaking elderly parents can have lasting health impacts on the adult child caregiver for YEARS (depression for one, and other physical health problems). What impact will living with this 55 year old depressed woman have on me on top of that?

That's probably what concerns me the most. I am thinking of using what little money I have to take some community education art or music classes, so that I have a creative outlet. Sort of like, DIY art and music therapy to help me cope and get through this god-awful period.

I am temping again. I am supposed to find out if this other company will decide to hire me or not soon. And by "soon" I mean, the end of December. My god, if they hired me (as awful as a temp job as it is), that means stable income for at least 1-2 years that would let me move into my own place. And, then I could relax and focus on taking more grad school courses instead of wasting my grad school money to live on, which means I can't use that grad school money to pay for the courses. But I digress...

Tonight, I set some boundaries with my roommate after a sleepless night (due to my own anxiety). I told her that if she wants me to buy her food, she has to give me the money ahead of time. (I don't trust her to give me money after, since she never deposited my rent checks for the past 3 months). She was short with me, "Ok, thank you." Whatever. I am not her caregiver. I'm not being paid by the county to take care of her.

Her sister had told me she would be visiting this week. So far, I haven't seen or heard from her sister. And her ex-husband stopped by tonight to take my roommate's care away from her again. Not sure why he does it. I didn't ask. I don't want to get involved beyond what I've already been involved with.

I won't bring up my roommate's hospitalizations with her. No need to trigger her and create more stress for myself.

I'm sorry that your daughter has bipolar. But she is at least taking responsibility for her treatment and diagnosis. My roommate who is 55 years old and knows better, who's been this way since she was 49, is willfully refusing to take responsibility for herself.

I need to take care of my mental and physical health, I think, while I live here. I think i will look into those community education classes. If I don't do something art-music related as self-therapy, then I'll need to force myself to get involved in Meetups again to get away from this roommate and her miserable energy because it's affecting my energy levels now too.
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Old 12-02-2019, 10:45 PM   #23
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Default Re: Roommate not put into in-patienty treatment

Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
It sucks on SO many levels. Yes indeed it does.


I can ask her sister via text if I can install a lock on my guest bedroom door that I rent. The worst she can say is no. Right now, I have been using a chair (I told my family physician about my roommate b/c I had been thinking about seeing a therapist but can't with my temp hours so I have to see random unlicensed grad school social worker students at the evening walk in clinic for emotional support).


I do think you are right -- that my roommate's sister is using me as a safety net. That, I'm here to prevent my roommate from harming herself at the very worst, and that I would call my roommate's sister with updates if something happened.


I do feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I read that caretaking elderly parents can have lasting health impacts on the adult child caregiver for YEARS (depression for one, and other physical health problems). What impact will living with this 55 year old depressed woman have on me on top of that?


That's probably what concerns me the most. I am thinking of using what little money I have to take some community education art or music classes, so that I have a creative outlet. Sort of like, DIY art and music therapy to help me cope and get through this god-awful period.


I am temping again. I am supposed to find out if this other company will decide to hire me or not soon. And by "soon" I mean, the end of December. My god, if they hired me (as awful as a temp job as it is), that means stable income for at least 1-2 years that would let me move into my own place. And, then I could relax and focus on taking more grad school courses instead of wasting my grad school money to live on, which means I can't use that grad school money to pay for the courses. But I digress...


Tonight, I set some boundaries with my roommate after a sleepless night (due to my own anxiety). I told her that if she wants me to buy her food, she has to give me the money ahead of time. (I don't trust her to give me money after, since she never deposited my rent checks for the past 3 months). She was short with me, "Ok, thank you." Whatever. I am not her caregiver. I'm not being paid by the county to take care of her.


Her sister had told me she would be visiting this week. So far, I haven't seen or heard from her sister. And her ex-husband stopped by tonight to take my roommate's care away from her again. Not sure why he does it. I didn't ask. I don't want to get involved beyond what I've already been involved with.


I won't bring up my roommate's hospitalizations with her. No need to trigger her and create more stress for myself.


I'm sorry that your daughter has bipolar. But she is at least taking responsibility for her treatment and diagnosis. My roommate who is 55 years old and knows better, who's been this way since she was 49, is willfully refusing to take responsibility for herself.


I need to take care of my mental and physical health, I think, while I live here. I think i will look into those community education classes. If I don't do something art-music related as self-therapy, then I'll need to force myself to get involved in Meetups again to get away from this roommate and her miserable energy because it's affecting my energy levels now too.


I think your doing all you can pro actively to make this lousy situation into something you can tolerate until you find an escape.

I would push hard for that lock. If the sister refuses you can always use the ole rubber door stop , jam in under the door at night. No way could she get the door open.

Find peace of mind where ever you can. Getting involved with art music etc will not only get you out of the house more but something that can have soothing effect on you.
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Old 12-02-2019, 10:55 PM   #24
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Default Re: Roommate not put into in-patienty treatment

I'm going to just go buy a rubber door stop tomorrow. That will work the best.

Thanks for your post Christina! I appreciate it!
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Old 12-03-2019, 02:40 PM   #25
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Default Re: Roommate not put into in-patienty treatment

Actually Blanche, from what you have described of this woman? She fits into just want you have quoted "I don't want realism, I want magic". She is in the same place Blanche was in Streetcar named Desire. The difference is that back then in the time of that movie women like that could be taken away to an asylm, today that kind of place doesn't really exist. Her sister like in the movie is stuck and is trying to keep her at a distance so she doesn't intrude on her life just as was the case in that movie.
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Old 12-04-2019, 03:02 PM   #26
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Update: so, my roommate confronted me last night in my guest room that I rent about where her money orders of my rent were. I explained to her calmly that since she was gone all of last week, I just deposited the unpaid rent back into my checking account and Paypal-ed her sister who is her power of attorney. She was MAD (maybe at the fact that I know her sister has POA over her too) but then the Orkin tech came (I had scheduled a 2nd follow-up appointment) and rescued me from it escalating.

Then, I texted her sister about what she did and asked her sister to intervene. Her sister texted back that my roommate doesn't respond to hers (or anyone's phone calls or texts) and asked me to text my roommate to contact her about wiring my roommate the rent money from the past few months. Egads. I then forwarded the text I sent to my roommate, to her sister. So everyone's on the same page.

POSSIBLE WAY OUT: I am going to look at an apartment-available-for-sublease (fully furnished and pet friendly) this Friday. I'd only have to pay $250 for the sublease fee and then next month would take over the rent payments which I can afford on my temp job. Of course, there is the assumption that my application with the landlord will be rejected due to my poor credit score. And no, I have no one willing to co-sign so this is totally hinged on my credit now. I'm hoping it doesn't get rejected. Can you imagine my relief if I get approved? I will be dancing in the streets like the David Bowie/Mick Jagger song.
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Old 12-04-2019, 05:34 PM   #27
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Maybe considering it's a sub-lease the person sub-leasing won't go into checking your credit history. I will say some prayers for you. Also, if you have to go and first look at this apartment you may get to meet the person sub leasing and if you put on your best face and this person likes you, you may get an ok that way too.

From what you just shared about your room mate, it sounds like even though her sister has POA, she still has found a way to maintain her sense of control. She has figured out that as long as she doesn't seem to be a danger to herself or others she gets to continue to isolate herself in her room the way she has been doing. Apparently she wants to be a hermit and shut everyone out. She clearly must believe that antidepressants can't fix the fact that she is no longer young and the life of the party or in demand to do whatever she had done when she was younger. Her child was probably an ornament and she never could really connect with him, that's sad but it happens. Like in "Mommy Dearest" where Joan Crawford adopted children more as ornaments and never really could connect with them in a meaningful way.

I am sorry Blanche because given what you have shared about yourself having to deal with a person like this must at times be very triggering and unsettling for you. I am glad to hear you continue to be proactive and determined to find your way out of this and forward. What you have been learning a lot lately is how you can't control people like this, the only one you can work on and improve is yourself. In my saying that, I in no way mean to simplify or disrespect how challenging that can be.
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Old 12-04-2019, 07:20 PM   #28
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Open Eyes the subleaser is an undergraduate student who just graduated and accepted a new job in another state. His lease goes until mid-fall 2020, and he leaves the end of January for his new job. So, he's just a kid. The leasing company's main rental office is conveniently located in the apt. bldg next door to his apt. bldg, so after I go quick tour his apt. I will walk across the street with my rental application and then I have to wait for their screening company to complete their background check (which yes, includes a credit check unfortunately, and prior rental history).

So, I will find out if my application gets accepted hopefully by next Friday. From the photos on his sublease posting, his one bedroom (fully furnished) is quite nice furniture and the unit comes with a dishwasher and also a stacked laundry washer/dryer which is also a bonus.

I feel like this would be the perfect transition out of the current transition I'm living in -- a furnished subleased one bedroom opportunity. It would give me 6 months of peace of mind on his sublease, and at the end of six months, I'd have hopefully found a full-time job, and could renew the lease or look for a new place. But it all hinges on that darn background check company hired by the leasing company who rents out his apartments.

I don't take your observations critically of me, either. It's been a horrible year and a half; caregiving for my elderly mother, now in this forced caregiving situation for a complete stranger who is my roommate until I can find a way to move out sooner than later.

It is extremely triggering and damaging to my mental health. I go to the walk-in counseling center on bad days, and other days just post here or work on my resume or my grad school coursework or watch movies.

She is not my responsibility -- this I know -- so I am not going to even offer to cook her meals at this point. I did tell her I got back from work, and her response was, from behind her door, "Ok. Thank you."

I texted her sister to ask if my roommate responded to her sister's text but haven't heard anything yet. I'm not going to engage my roommate in any conversation unless it has to do with paying her rent, or the mice infestation, or her cat's health/food/litter. I have to take care of myself.

I read online that 45 minutes after doing a creative activity (draw, paint, write, music, etc) one's cortisol levels drop dramatically. So, time to start doing more creative things to keep myself at peace while I try to get out of this horrible, horrible situation.

Yes, my roommate has cleverly created a loophole for herself to avoid going to an inpatient facility, by not acting homicidal or suicidal. Does that mean I still feel safe? Nope. It's like living with my mother after her stroke when she developed dementia.

I didn't feel safe there either because I was taking care of my mother 24/7; she would "sundown" and wander out of her apt. between midnight - 6 a.m. or I'd wake up after hearing her fall off her bed, or she'd fall off her toilet at 3 a.m. and I'd have to call the fire dept. to request a "lift assist" which the firemen who showed up, told me was a common occurrence at my mother's 55+ bldg, where other elderly people live, who'd fall or sundown.

Your description of my roommate similar to Joan Crawford aka "Mommy Dearest" is actually close. Her friend of 40 years told me, that neither my roommate nor her husband had their son tested for autism when he was 3 and started showing autistic behaviors (stimming, scripting which he did when he was here this summer briefly). Her friend is appalled by my roommate's parental neglect, but told me that my roommate's always put herself first, above even her ex-husband.

She's a narcissist who also is supposedly kind-hearted, won't hurt a fly, fights for women's rights. Um, I find everything describing my roommate after "narcissist" hard to believe. Because, if you had a toddler who was rocking, stimming, and scripting, YOU WOULD TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR.

But according to my roommate's friend of 40 years, they just ignored her son's behavior (which they still do now). Maybe my roommate's extreme dysthymia (ongoing depression for more than two years....) will never go away, and will morph into hoarding (her basement is a mess already).

She sure has the house for Hollywood parties. She knows lots of famous people and ran/runs in all "the" circles. A few of them stopped by her house this summer whom I met. (I didn't ask for autographs, either.)

Her behavior over the past five-six years is no secret to these "people" I've been told. She has a group of enablers/caretakers who open her mail, bring her food, and take her to appointments (if they are lucky enough to get to get her to leave her house).

I feel sorry for those people. Why do they enable her? She's clearly not doing anything to improve her situation. She and her ex-husband worked in LA for 25 years in "the scene" and she has the emmys on her baby grand piano to show it.

Why do I feel like the narrator from The Great Gatsby living here? But in my novel, Gatsby is an agoraphobic woman with dysthymia who borders on homicidal/suicidal behavior yet so she avoids becoming an inpatient (which would obviously help her; she rejected outpatient treatment accord. to her sister who would have my roommate driven to outpatient appointments, only to call a cab and leave the outpatient hospital/center).
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Old 12-04-2019, 09:55 PM   #29
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Default Re: Roommate not put into in-patienty treatment

I heard its very common for people with serious mental illness to fall through the cracks of the mental health system for one reason or another It seems that this very well may be true for the woman who was your roommate. A lot of times patients who are involuntarily commited is because of their health insurance. IDK if this is true in her case As for her not keeping jobs a lot of mental health consumers's employment history is really spotty. That's pretty common . One way of combatting this fact are rehab centers called clubhouses. I was a member in West Phila. PA until the local community MH center closed it down. Never found out the reason.
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Old 12-05-2019, 10:44 AM   #30
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mugwort, what do you mean by "club house" exactly. I've never heard that term used to describe inpatient psychiatric facilities before.
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