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Old 12-02-2019, 12:58 PM   #11
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

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Thanks for your help everyone.

Yeah it feels worse today somehow. It's the not hearing back.

I appreciate people saying about moving on and finding more friends but I feel like I am fated not to have friends. I went years with no friends at all.
You can be anything you want. You are one of my favorite PC friends. Don't tell yourself this because we manifest what we believe. It is our fate to be friends.
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Old 12-02-2019, 01:22 PM   #12
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

To the OP,I waited to reply ,I am not sure if my post will be helpful or not.Sorry if it feels irrelevant to the present conversation. It is me recent experience of friendship.I had a best friend in my late teens.It was not typical teen thing.We connected at a deeper soul level.We talked about most intimate things.We both were introverts and almost similar type of thinking.We formed a deep connection.All of a sudden she started avoiding me.It was so out of the blue that I felt so unreal.She started association with a group of other girls.Head of this group was a big bully.She isolated me in all aspects.Started rolling eyes,making faces and stuff.I tried to communicate but she gave me silent treatment.Now she was friends with girls she disliked. I tried everything to reconnect because I didn't want to lose her.But she was adamant. It was great loss and processing the grief took years.I hand delivered a letter asking the why question,if it was my fault or did I DO SOMETHING THAT BAD? She never responded.She just wanted be gone from my life.I lingered in the aftermath and thought I was responsible for the loss of it.I tore myself down into shreds to see what did I DO to warrant this cruel discard.I did not find any.I knew in my heart she was a good person,so I took the blame and carried the guilt.I tried to slowly forget all the good memories with her because they were intense triggers,reminding me of the great loss of good friend.After a decade I reached out on social media. I thought she may tell me the reason now and put me out of my misery.I am not a social media person myself,but randomly stumbled upon hers.She immediately wanted my number .her message was lengthy.She is overwhelmed I can see and asked a barrage of questions about my where abouts.I was still skeptical.I asked for her number instead. She messaged number immediately. I called.All she started saying was I am so sorry repeatedly.She said she prayed to god everyday that he gives a chance to meet me and all she wanted to say is sorry for what she did.It was a long phone conversation.Mostly she was talking narrating the past and she feels thankful that I reached out and she got a chance to apologize. We reconnected but this time taking it slow.Sorry if was long rant.
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Old 12-02-2019, 02:11 PM   #13
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

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I don't want to write about the specifics as it was complicated but this last week it has become apparent to me that a long term friendship may have run it's course.

I am pretty unskilled in this area. Tbh I have mostly been solitary in life apart from my family. This person was one the first people I dared to call 'friend' and I treasured their friendship. But for one reason or another it seems not to be.

I am awaiting a response from my friend after emailing them about the difficulties between us. It's like waiting for the end.

I feel incredibly sad.

Any advice on this end stage in friendships, whereby you still care for the person but it seems like the friendship has run it's course? How do you acquit yourself gracefully? How do you cope with this sadness and let go?
I'm so sorry this happened. I've had this happen so many times to me I no longer anticipate any friendship to be permanent. In fact, anytime I meet a new friend, I immediately think, this friendship will end eventually. Don't know when, but it will end. As for communication, you did you best. The waiting is really hard, makes you want to send another message.

It usually doesn't work and if anything, just angers the person. Was it a falling out or just simply a friendship that has run its course? I just try to stay busy and if it wasn't a good friendship, I've gone as far as to delete any memory I've had of them. Sounds harsh but I've done that, but that's just for those friendships that turned out to be toxic.
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Old 12-02-2019, 02:25 PM   #14
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

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I appreciate people saying about moving on and finding more friends but I feel like I am fated not to have friends.
Sounds like an emotional block to me. No one is "fated" to be alone. Being alone is a choice, I believe.

There are many variables that effect how large or small our social network grows into. And, social networks are not stagnant. They grow and they decrease over time as we change and the people inside those networks change. The variables that can effect our social networks expand far beyond us and our needs to: our workplace, where we volunteer, go to church, shop, eat out, go to school, community sports, vacation, go to the doctor's office, who we are already friends with or no longer friends with, etc.,.

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I went years with no friends at all.
Ten years for me now with no active social network and that's because I've made zero effort to activate mine again by going to Meetups like I did before, which kick started my social circle and what I used to grow my social network with. But, like with everything, it fizzled out when I made some life changes and stopped participating in my Meetup groups, so people stopped reaching out to contact me. The friendships I nurtured from those Meetup groups grew to where I didn't have to rely on Meetup events to see these people, but we all just stopped reciprocating communication invites with each other. It happens.

Ending this friendship is painful for you which is normal. No one can give you step by step instructions how to heal. All we can do is give you suggestions, talk about our personal experiences with ending friendships.

You will feel better about losing this friendship with time. What's that cliche? Time heals all wounds. It's true as cliche as it is.
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Old 12-02-2019, 02:29 PM   #15
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

Rdgrad,I understand,I too became doubtful that friends are going to abandon anyways,after my best friend dropped me like a hot potato with out any explanation. I feared making friends for years.I may have missed a couple of possible good friendships.And good people in general are hard to find these days.I even think talking care of a plant or a pet is a better option.They DO not discard you,rather reward you with beautiful flowers for the care you provided.
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Old 12-02-2019, 03:28 PM   #16
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

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Rdgrad,I understand,I too became doubtful that friends are going to abandon anyways,after my best friend dropped me like a hot potato with out any explanation. I feared making friends for years.I may have missed a couple of possible good friendships.And good people in general are hard to find these days.I even think talking care of a plant or a pet is a better option.They DO not discard you,rather reward you with beautiful flowers for the care you provided.
I've had people who I thought were good friends and thought who really liked me just drop me like I was a piece of disgusting garbage off the streets. Yeah I'm very wary of that and honestly I don't even believe in the concept of best friends forever. If someone ever says that to me, I secretly don't believe them since I know eventually they won't want to talk to me anymore whether it's by choice or just the passage of time.
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:12 PM   #17
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

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Thanks for your help everyone.

Yeah it feels worse today somehow. It's the not hearing back.

I appreciate people saying about moving on and finding more friends but I feel like I am fated not to have friends. I went years with no friends at all.
I agree with Blanche that no one is fated to not have friends. No special exceptions. To me, this sounds like the lies of trauma, or low self worth, anxiety, depression, etc.

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Old 12-02-2019, 07:40 PM   #18
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

Exactly, WovenGalaxy.

Discombobulated: It's normal to feel alone after a good friendship ends. Totally normal response. But to forecast that you will now be unworthy of making friends in the future, and be alone forever, is just untrue. That's what David Burns would refer to as 'distorted thinking.' Your thinking is a reflection right now, of how bad you feel about yourself. You feel rejected, so you attach that rejection to your self-value, your self-worth, as though you are incapable of being accepted for who you are, because this friend has rejected you. It's an easy trap to fall into -- distorted thinking -- when you have low self-esteem. I still struggle with low self-esteem about myself.

If you don't want friends, that's up to you. If you do want friends, then you will find a way to meet new people and make friends again. Right now, you need to stop forecasting about your self-worth with people you haven't even met yet. Just be present in the 'now' and allow yourself to feel all the emotions you will feel, as you process through the rejection of this friendship. Don't judge yourself while you experience the ups and downs of rejection. Just observe. Just notice all the emotions you feel. Don't comment to yourself or try to explain or deny these feelings. Just feel what you feel. You have to go through the emotional pain of rejection to get to the other side of self-acceptance.

Do not attach your self-worth or self-esteem to the way other people treat you. That is probably the biggest lesson I've learned from being rejected by my siblings, by friends, by coworkers. Yes, our behavior does impact others. But our value...our self-worth, exists inside of us and what other people project outwardly (that we take in as criticism, judgement, libel, bullying, etc.) is about that person having low-self-worth about themselves, and being so uncomfortable with their own low-self worth, that they project it on to others around them to avoid the pain.

Let this friendship go. It didn't work. Not all friendships do. Some friendships last for a lifetime. Some last for a short period of time. It really depends on how you meet each other, and the amount of effort each person contributes to maintaining and developing the friendship. Friendship isn't easy. And there are no guarantees in life. This, I know.
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Old 12-03-2019, 07:29 AM   #19
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

Thanks for the replies everyone. I read them all and I'll reflect on them.

I actually did something that I was in two minds about, because all the general advice advises against it, but I texted them very briefly. This made me feel worse afterwards (felt very vulnerable) but actually I did get a very nice reply.

Idk where this is going (that was what scared me among other things) and tbh I think it's likely as someone said in this thread that we will still be friends just not as close - that actually would be great by me.

I am scared of conflict and this has been one of the few occasions I have asserted myself. It terrified me. I was convinced I would be abandoned. It feels weird to come out if this just fine.

I do hear what people are kindly saying about deciding my own fate - this one's complicated. My history was being friendless, as a young person (& I am not young now) I was bullied and left out often - I stopped trying too hard to engage and kept myself at arms length apart from with my spouse. I am talking over 20 years with no real friendships other than casual associations. Idk if realistically that will be a changeable part of me.
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Old 12-03-2019, 09:36 AM   #20
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Default Re: The possible end of a friendship

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I am scared of conflict and this has been one of the few occasions I have asserted myself. It terrified me. I was convinced I would be abandoned. It feels weird to come out if this just fine.

I do hear what people are kindly saying about deciding my own fate - this one's complicated. My history was being friendless, as a young person (& I am not young now) I was bullied and left out often - I stopped trying too hard to engage and kept myself at arms length apart from with my spouse. I am talking over 20 years with no real friendships other than casual associations. Idk if realistically that will be a changeable part of me.
IMO the incident you are writing about here is the first step in changing the pattern.
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