The possible end of a friendship

Discombobulated · Jul 27, 2020 at 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Motts

If someone is mean to me, ignores me, or manipulates me they have no place in my life. I've learned over the years to just cut off all contact and not give that person another chance.

It's never just one person's fault when a friendship breaks down either. So, maybe you could do some soul searching to find out what your part is, with how this friendship broke down with your friend. Were they ever a true friend or were they more of a casual acquaintance to start with? What was the balance of power between you two?

It's also not healthy to dwell on failed friendships. So, try not to dwell.

I agree it isn't healthy to dwell, it's that fine line between reflecting and learning from mistakes and dwelling negatively.

I did indeed contribute towards the breakdown of communication with this person and have apologised for that. They have apologised to me too. It has been positive in that way.

Thanks.

Jul 27, 2020 at 03:14 PM

If you decide that the friendship doesn't contribute anything positive to your life, don't hang on to it. Toxic people never change.

seesaw · Jul 27, 2020 at 09:20 PM

Also remember, Discombobulated, that ending the friendship doesn't mean you are saying they are all bad or fully to blame or anything like that. You're just saying it's not a good relationship for you to be in. It's not a judgment on them; it's about what is best for you. "I don't like you" or "I don't want to continue this friendship" does not equal "you are a bad person." I get the feeling you are worried you are being judgmental in ending it. You aren't. You are just choosing what works best for you.

Discombobulated · Jul 28, 2020 at 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw

Also remember, Discombobulated, that ending the friendship doesn't mean you are saying they are all bad or fully to blame or anything like that. You're just saying it's not a good relationship for you to be in. It's not a judgment on them; it's about what is best for you. "I don't like you" or "I don't want to continue this friendship" does not equal "you are a bad person." I get the feeling you are worried you are being judgmental in ending it. You aren't. You are just choosing what works best for you.

I think you hit upon something here Seesaw. I originally posted this in coping with emotions and mods moved it to relationships forum. I understand why they did that but to me this issue is largely about my emotional response.

Yes I do feel in a way I am being harsh. This person has been a supportive friend many times. They are not a bad person. They have issues yes. In the past they have emoted to me many times about these issues. They still want to be friends despite lashing out at me more recently. I am a people pleaser generally and it is confusing for me. Being a people pleaser is not healthy I recognise.

Thanks for reading and understanding, it really helps.

Fuzzybear · Jul 28, 2020 at 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

It is sad when friendships end but I commend you for expressing your feelings in that email.

Grief is hard

but eventually you will celebrate how that friendship helped you grow.

Some of the people we meet in this life were meant to teach us lessons but not meant to be permanent. True friends leave something of themselves behind.

Try to lean into the feeling. I know it is hard to feel sad but the intensity will diminish. You are in my prayers. You are a wonderful person. Your heart is so open and caring. I predict you will find other special friends. I consider you a friend. Hugs from the bottom of my heart.

Good post.

I also have experienced the end of a friendship quite recently. The situation was very different (the person just chose to block me, I was unaware of any issues.... except for one omission I had made

)

I also believe that your heart is open and caring and that in time you will find other special friends. I consider you a friend too :-)

many hugs

Discombobulated · Jul 29, 2020 at 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Good post.

I also have experienced the end of a friendship quite recently. The situation was very different (the person just chose to block me, I was unaware of any issues.... except for one omission I had made

)

I also believe that your heart is open and caring and that in time you will find other special friends. I consider you a friend too :-)

many hugs

I am so sorry you had this experience Fuzzy. This person sounds like they did not behave in an emotionally mature way towards you. To not give someone the chance to discuss is very unfair. Social media can be such an abrupt and harsh tool.

I agree Tuned out gave an excellent piece of advice.

Thank you for your kind words about me - I consider you a friend too!

Reading through this thread I can see progress. I did post about my belief I am not meant to have friends. That was self sabotaging. Actually I do have some close friends who are special to me and more recently I developed a friendship with someone else too who is lovely. I must confess I am very picky about who I choose to be my friends too.

Discombobulated · Sep 05, 2020 at 12:08 PM

A reason a season a lifetime.

This has been a painful one for me. Slowly I am processing it.

TunedOut · Sep 05, 2020 at 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

A reason a season a lifetime.

This has been a painful one for me. Slowly I am processing it.

Hugs. Sometimes pain teaches us things but it doesn't make it any easier.

eclairparty98 · Sep 05, 2020 at 12:42 PM

Wow.. I have just signed in to post about my own issues with someone I thought of as a friend and saw this as the most recent post.. That's fascinating to me. I hope you are well discombobulated.. I read that you have grown in a positive way from this experience since posting months ago. That's great

all the best to you, keep being strong and be happy, we're here for you

Discombobulated · Sep 05, 2020 at 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

Hugs. Sometimes pain teaches us things but it doesn't make it any easier.

This is so true. Your kindness and understanding helps lessen that pain though. Big lessons with this one.

Discombobulated · Sep 05, 2020 at 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclairparty98

Wow.. I have just signed in to post about my own issues with someone I thought of as a friend and saw this as the most recent post.. That's fascinating to me. I hope you are well discombobulated.. I read that you have grown in a positive way from this experience since posting months ago. That's great

all the best to you, keep being strong and be happy, we're here for you

Thanks eclairparty ♥️ I hope there is something in this thread that can help you and others, I did receive some good advice. In some ways I think this may have been about me being ready to take that advice. I actually think I knew the writing was on the wall last December yet I resisted it.

jesyka · Sep 05, 2020 at 11:36 PM

Hi, I'm sorry to hear that your friendship ended. At least you gave your former friend closure. Not knowing why someone chose to stop talking to you all of a sudden is an even worse way to end a friendship. It hasn't been that long yet, so maybe your friend will respond to you, or maybe they won't. It depends on what was said in the email. I also ended a friendship with a friend a few months ago. She kept on disrespecting my boundaries and she tried to change me, etc....

It's hard to deal with the grief. Try to remember that good times and the things that you learned from that friendship. My friend did help me realize a few things about myself. Try not to talk to much about what happened with most people unless they're really willing to listen to you. I got the feeling that my other friends just expected me to get over things right away and that I was better off without my friend. It sucks, but like my former friend said, a lot of people don't really want to hear about negative things to often.

Hopefully your friend will respond back to you. soon.

eclairparty98 · Sep 06, 2020 at 05:08 PM

wishing you peace and happiness

Discombobulated · Sep 17, 2020 at 10:59 AM

Just adding this for myself. I have kept the door open for this person because I don't like closing doors on people.

However I met with a mutual friend today and without my prompting my mutual friend talked about several observations on this other friend we have in common. I didn't talk openly about the upset me and this other friend had (it isn't fair to involve others) but they have separately reached very strikingly similar conclusions about this friend's behaviour. That this person has poor boundaries and low emotional intelligence to quote our mutual friend.

It was validating that someone who similarly knows this person has also felt the same way about this person. It felt a bit disloyal talking about them when they weren't there but it helped to see I have not imagined or exaggerated some of the things that bothered me about them.

It did help me process, the door is still open but I will keep stronger boundaries with this person. I allowed them to previously violate my boundaries and that was my poor choice.

Discombobulated · Sep 17, 2020 at 11:08 AM

@jesyka Thanks! Yes this friend did respond, the thread actually goes back to December last year so I wouldn't blame you for not reading it all. We did talk and things went bad again during lockdown. I have struggled processing all of it but I am getting there. Talking with a mutual friend helped today.

WovenGalaxy · Sep 17, 2020 at 03:33 PM

That's great, Disco

jesyka · Sep 18, 2020 at 12:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

@jesyka Thanks! Yes this friend did respond, the thread actually goes back to December last year so I wouldn't blame you for not reading it all. We did talk and things went bad again during lockdown. I have struggled processing all of it but I am getting there. Talking with a mutual friend helped today.

-------------------------------------------------------
I think that I did read it all. Anyways, sorry that things went bad again during lockdown. The fact that another friend agreed with this friends faults is not a good sign. I'm glad to hear that talking to a mutual friend helped.

Prycejosh1987 · Nov 14, 2020 at 01:35 PM

It doesnt have to end, you can fight for the good friendship.

Discombobulated · Nov 14, 2020 at 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

It doesnt have to end, you can fight for the good friendship.

Thanks - right now I am still in touch with this friend but I have adjusted my expectations a lot, this seems to be working well.

Prycejosh1987 · Dec 09, 2020 at 01:32 PM

Friendships are like the wind. They come, and make a impact, that is subtle most of the time, and then they leave quietly and before you know it, it just disappeared.

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The possible end of a friendship

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Anonymous43372 Guest Posts: n/a	Jul 27, 2020 at 03:14 PM #42 If you decide that the friendship doesn't contribute anything positive to your life, don't hang on to it. Toxic people never change.
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Discombobulated Grand Magnate Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 4,682 (SuperPoster!) 4 11.6k hugs given	Sep 05, 2020 at 12:08 PM #47 A reason a season a lifetime. This has been a painful one for me. Slowly I am processing it.
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eclairparty98 Member Member Since Aug 2017 Location: UK Posts: 349 6 407 hugs given	Sep 06, 2020 at 05:08 PM #53 wishing you peace and happiness
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Discombobulated Grand Magnate Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 4,682 (SuperPoster!) 4 11.6k hugs given	Sep 17, 2020 at 11:08 AM #55 @jesyka Thanks! Yes this friend did respond, the thread actually goes back to December last year so I wouldn't blame you for not reading it all. We did talk and things went bad again during lockdown. I have struggled processing all of it but I am getting there. Talking with a mutual friend helped today.
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WovenGalaxy Magnate Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Earth Posts: 2,854 4 4,842 hugs given	Sep 17, 2020 at 03:33 PM #56 That's great, Disco
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Prycejosh1987 Member Member Since Jul 2020 Location: UK Posts: 368 3	Nov 14, 2020 at 01:35 PM #58 It doesnt have to end, you can fight for the good friendship.
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Prycejosh1987 Member Member Since Jul 2020 Location: UK Posts: 368 3	Dec 09, 2020 at 01:32 PM #60 Friendships are like the wind. They come, and make a impact, that is subtle most of the time, and then they leave quietly and before you know it, it just disappeared.
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