Partner being extremely cruel and in a bad situation

Hello, firstly I apologize because this will be a long post, but I will try to make it as short as possible. I'm really looking for some help and insight of what to do in my situation.

A little background.. I have been with my partner for almost 10 years now. About 5 years ago I moved with him to another country far away from my family for his career. We are not married, but we are legally recognised as a couple in the country we live in.. similar to a common law marriage in the USA. I gave up my whole life when I moved for him. I sold my car and many belongings, lost most of my friends, gave up my career and left my family (which they were quite upset about).

Last year we had a problem with our permits to stay living here and my partner's work had to have their lawyers get involved to help us stay. We had bought a house here so this is why we fought to stay. This is important to the story later. His company ended up having to put us both up in a hotel for months in another country yet while the lawyers fought to have us come back to the country we live in. Eventually my partner was approved to stay, but I was not.

So, my partner's company spent their money and used their lawyers to continue to fight for me to be allowed to stay too. They did not have to do this, but they really value my partner and he had made it a point to them that if we couldn't both live in this country together then he would be moving as well. We traveled together during this time until we could both return.

After about a year of uncertainty and traveling around to follow all the laws, I also received permission to continue living here as his partner. I thought this was good news, but you see this is when the problem started....

I went to get my picture taken for my ID card a few weeks ago and my partner came along. We went out for lunch afterwards and he began acting very cruel to me. The next day we met for lunch again and afterwards he just said "I'm breaking up with you". Like it was nothing and in front of the people at the restaurant. I didn't want to make a scene so I quickly walked away. He started texting my phone that he was seriously done with me and not to ignore it.

Let me also tell you that a couple weeks prior to this my Mom was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. She and my Dad would have to travel across the country for her to have a few very serious surgeries. I have a very small family so I really was counting on my partner to support my family and me during this time.

I asked him please not to do this and especially not now. He told me that he HATES me and that I need to go home and live with my parents now. I have not lived with my parents for over almost 15 years, and also as I mentioned my parents were getting ready to travel out of state for my mom's surgeries. I explained this to him and he told me that he just didn't care and I would have to figure it out.

I asked him why he hates me and he just went into a rant that he hates me because he has always hated me. He claims I forced him to be in a relationship. He will not sit down and talk with me except to tell me that he hates me and call me names. He said "just trust me that there are reasons I hate you." Anytime I ask why he says because he hates me and starts screaming and calling me names.

I think it's pretty reasonable to ask for an explanation when ending a serious, long term relationship out of the blue, but he refuses to give me any other answers. We are both in our 30s, no children, but two pets we both love like children, and as far as I know there are no signs of another woman involved.

I am quite concerned about his mental health because of his behaviour towards me, but also because he started acting a little off before this incident. He began not sleeping, going to the gym everyday (which is fine, but it became an obsession), started hanging around with a different crowd of people, acting depressed, saying he hated things that he had told me he loved before (restaurants, places, foods, tv shows) and he claimed not to remember some past events in our discussions.. just some things I can think of now. He overall began acting "off".

I got a little concerned because a similar thing happened a few years ago and it started off the same way. He then told me he hated me, moved into a friend's apartment for a few weeks, and we ended up getting back together after I said I was leaving the country. He told me he loved me and he had treated me terribly.

He is still telling his family that we are together and pretending like nothing is wrong. My Mom had one of her surgeries and he called to wish her good luck and acting like everything is fine. I don't have the heart to tell her what he's actually doing to me right now. I am keeping it from my parents because I just want my Mom to focus on getting well.

I am trying to be nice to him and told him I don't want to fight because I am under too much stress already. He claims that I am ignoring him and not leaving. I told him I CAN NOT leave right now..there is no way. He is being extremely cruel every chance he gets no matter how nice I am to him. He keeps escalating things and screaming in rants that I'm a "piece of ----" and other terrible things. These rants are not provoked by me.

He has began going out every weekend and stays out until 4-6 am. This weekend he walked home at 4 am for an hour through a bad neighborhood. I asked him why didn't call a taxi and he said he didn't want to spend the money. He is doing very strange things.

I am going to contact a family lawyer here to see what my rights are. I'm pretty sure if the relationship ends then he has to buy me out to leave the house. I know he is not allowed to just kick me out.

I am also extremely concerned about his mental health. I think he may have something that is undiagnosed because he has turned into a completely different person and it is alarming. I'm trying to figure out if there is a way for me to get help for him, but I don't think I can without his compliance. I am contemplating involving a friend of his or maybe his family. I don't want to escalate the situation further because he is very angry and seems very irrational right now.

Yesterday he invited me out with friends ( I was shocked) and we had a really nice time.
Today he went on a rant because I mentioned his work Christmas party, he said I invite myself places and I won't leave him alone. He packed a suite case and threatened to leave, calling me every name in the book. He said he's leaving to live with his friend again in January. (Same friend as last time and a male).

I keep asking what I've done to him to treat me this way. He says don't pretend I don't know and he hates me... I'm at a complete loss and very worried. He is currently in the other room blasting the tv and huffing and puffing to try to get my attention. I am doing what he has asked of me and just leaving him alone now. It seems like a trap to engage me in another rant.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and I can clarify any more details you may need to know. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!!

Find out as soon as possible what your legal and financial rights are in this country. Your boyfriend sounds unwell. I urge you to tell your father about what is going on and discuss with your father the possibility of you coming back to your parents. You needn't go right this minute, but your father should be prepared, and you should know the travel arrangements you'd need to make, including purchasing airfare or whatever means of travel you would use. Do you have a safe place you can stay if you need to leave your house suddenly? I would identify such a place as soon as possible and gather together the $$ you would need to travel to it and to stay for a few days if necessary. You are going to want to reassure your boyfriend that you take his concerns seriously and try to calm him by saying you need some time to make arrangements to leave. That should buy you some time--but you should follow through on making those arrangements. If you have no guaranteed source of income now is the time to start figuring out a way to get one; unless you already know he legally has to support you, you will want to start supporting yourself. Men (and women) have a way of dragging their feet even when they know they must pay--and you will need living expenses every day no matter where those expenses come from. I hope this helps.

Set some money and resources aside and be ready to leave at a moments notice. It doesnt matter if this has happened before or what the reason is, you have to protect yourself.

You have done nothing to deserve this behavior; he is playing a sick game (not telling you what it is he thinks you have done). We all CHOOSE our behavior, and he chooses to be abusive.

You have been with your partner for a decade so I understand that you are concerned for his well-being. Do you think substance abuse might be causing this behaviour? Whatever the case is, you cannot help him as long as you are in this situation. Can you push a car while you are inside it? I agree with the other responders. The first thing you need to do is to get out of that house and back with your family, or with people who can support you. Only then can you consider helping him out. From the outside. Please be safe.