Shame and not wanting to run into certain people

So, when I was in my early 30s. I threw myself at men. I tried to manage my emotions and emotional pain through sexual behavior. Please do not judge me. I got rejected a lot and when I didn't, it was never enjoyable.

About 4 years ago this guy who I'd always liked, and he knew, asked me out. It was boring, and he was stupid and rude when we got coffee. But. Later that night I stupidly wrote stupid things to him through FB messenger. I told him I'd always wanted to sleep with him (I would never ever do that now). He never responded. I ended up blocking him.

He still lives in my area. I'm worried he might be at a mutual friend's party. It will be at a restaurant. With plenty of room to move. But I'm terrified I'll see him and feel immediate shame.

I'm so ashamed that I did that. He must have thought I was crazy. I remember first telling him I didn't see anything happening with us. And blocked him. Then I unblocked him to tell him I wanted to sleep w him. Truth is.....I may HAVE come off as crazy. I remember saying a lot. And him just not responding.

It was a weird situation. I remember unfriending him bc we never talked. The next day, like the next day, seemingly out of the blue was when he'd asked me out. This is all moot though.

I am just really worried to see him or run into him. My self esteem plunges and I feel deep shame. He has a gf now. Maybe he won't talk to me if he's there. That would be rad. He has mental health issues also.

I don't want to live with shame over my past forever. How do you get over shame? I want to go to this party. I don't want to be scared.

Kind replies only, please.

You don't need mental health issues to do that ,a pulse and some alcohol can deliver the same results, you have no reason to feel shame , it happened that's a fact ,many "normal ordinary" reasons could have provoked that message ( including a boring date ,and hitting the wine ,when you got home ) if he is decent and in a relationship he may not even remember exactly who his date was that night,it didn't work out ,he's moved on ,you should too ,one bad date does not make a life regret ,especially if some time has passed between then and now , head up chin straight ,go enjoy the party ( you won't be young and having parties forever , settling down,routine and old age sneak up ).please enjoy your youth

We have all done things we cringe to think about. Everybody does it. I’ve made many embarrassing blunders. When/if you run into this guy, just pretend it never happened. You don’t even need to talk to the guy if you don’t want to. Plenty of time has gone by that the whole ordeal is not even relevant anymore. Once you move on, other people will too. Sure they may briefly wonder or think about something at first but when you’ve moved on they will do the same.

4 years later ? Honestly I’m sure he has forgotten it all. Go and enjoy yourself.

We all do things we later regret

Focus on what feels good: YouTube

Also, many people consider it a complement when someone says they want to sleep with them. That he didn't initially respond could just mean he was unavailable, shy, etc. You probably made his day when you told him that because he eventually asked him out. That doesn't mean you can't change your mind. I change my mind all of the time. And concerning the past--we are all changing and growing all of the time--at least that is the ideal thing--learning and growing.

Wovengalaxy I can relate - I can hold onto shame for a riculously long time. Like 25 years lol. I had a weird thing with some guy before I knew my husband and we never spoke again. It was a random weird experience.

I have no idea what he thinks but last weekend he happened to pass me and my husband in the street and smiled and said "Hi". It was that simple. I would bet I had thought a lot more about what happened than he did.

I agree with other posters, it's been 4 years, it's okay to act like it never happened. Life is just weird and random sometimes.

The fact that you're still worried about what this guy thinks about you 4 years later, is a sign that you care too much about what other people think of you. Don't live your life that way -- seeking validation for yourself through other people's opinions of you. That's no way to live. It's a sign that you were verbally or emotionally abused and that you may be codependent as a result of that abuse, when you can't self-validate but instead seek it outside of yourself.

Who cares if you run into him. It's been 4 years. Doesn't matter what's going on with his life. He hasn't included you in his life, so if your two paths cross it's not because of fate, it's just by coincidence. Who knows if he'd even acknowledge you or not. What will you accomplish by worrying about this "what if ---" scenario? Focus on yourself right now and what's going on with your life. Don't get distracted by your past. I find that it's easy to dwell on the past as a way to distract from pain that's happening right now.

I used to worry way too much about what other people thought of me. But now? Now, I could care less because the only person I have power over, is myself. We can't control others' perceptions of us, no matter what we do.

Will your life come crashing down if you cross paths with this guy who rejected you 4 years ago? Why give the past so much power over your life?

Reading all your responses, thank you.

I felt better after posting, and you guys also helped put it in perspective.

Some people may not understand or struggle with shame and social anxiety the way I do. (I could tell by some responses and a felt a bit judged)

and yes, Blanche, I have been hurt a lot in my life and "programmed" etc.

Its (shame, anxiety) not something I want to have so present in my life and I'm actively looking for ways to calm it and diminish its effects. Like posting here, for instance.

My post was not meant to hurt your feelings but I could sense from you, that you care way too much about other people's opinions of you. And you shouldn't care. The only person's opinion that matters, is your own.

If you like yourself, then what other people think of you really won't matter. I've been "programmed" too. And once I figured that out, I've tested the programmers (my family members) and they refuse to change my channel. That is, they refuse to allow me to change around them.

So, if I spend time with them, they will always treat me the same no matter how far I've come with self-esteem, with boundary setting, with assertiveness.

So, I wasn't judging you as much as observing some similarities between you and I. And I want to encourage you to stop caring what other people think. Easier said then done, but it can be done.

I understand your struggle with shame and social anxiety because I used to suffer from it. But not anymore, because now I know that people will think whatever they want to think about me, regardless of how I act or what I say with them.

The best way to get rid of shame and anxiety is to: decide what you're *not* responsible for (other people's behaviors, feelings, etc.), forgive yourself for past mistakes, set clear interpersonal boundaries with everyone (so you can decide what you're NOT going to allow to get to you). If you can practice these three things every day with people you will see a change.

The people who push back, are the people who refuse to acknowledge your growth, who don't like you changing for your own betterment. And there are a LOT of wolves in sheep's clothing. You'd be surprised. I learned this about people I've known for 20 years.

When I changed and presented my new self to them, they outright shunned and belittled me (their way of pushing back) to intimidate me to change back to the person I used to be, who cared what they thought, who was easily manipulated by their threats, their actions.

And then there are the FEW who treat me normally because they too are normal and don't need me for any manipulation or dysfunctional or toxic purpose in their life. Those people are as rare as a species going extinct. They are few and far between.

Most of the people we encounter, hope to manipulate everyone to be a character in their own story. It's the people who don't do that, who welcome you as your own character in their story -- those are the golden people you need.

Those are the people who come across as a gift, because they accept you for who you are and they actually inspire and uplift you, nurture your growth with positive feedback, and you never experience shame or anxiety around them because those are tools only weak, passive-aggressive people use against others they view as victims.

It was only like you gave him a ‘drunk dial’. Honestly, he should (and might have been) flattered. But for whatever reason he didn’t respond. Either he wasn’t interested in you or had other fears. You said he did ask you out though, so he was somewhat interested in you. So there was some disconnect and it was a long time ago.

I get why you feel embarrassed but it really wasn’t bad on your part. It was more rude of him to not reply at all but that may be due to his fears. So you’re even!

Give him a nice hello with your head held high. If he introduces you to his gf, just be friendly and casual. Oh, and look good, muahahahah 😉

I once felt mortified to run into a guy who I had casual sex with twice. It was a couple years later and he introduced me to the woman he was with, his fiancé. I felt so trashy. I never felt like that any other time. He didn’t act badly toward me. I slut shamed myself in my own mind!

Hi Blanche, I mentioned you in my response bc what you said was true about myself in regards to what I learned growing up and being hurt, emotionally etc. I wasn't trying to single you out.

It was also early in the morning when I read everyone's responses, and it just felt like a lot and some things, fit better w me than others but that's not to say everyone didn't help bc everyone did!

In terms of thinking of myself as always caring too much what others think, well, I don't know. Maybe. But I don't know. If yes, its not all of me (it doesn't define me). And I don't feel the need to analyze it actually. The way you say it sounds like a put down, to be honest. I do appreciate you trying to help in the rest of your post.

Thank you again everyone. Planning on going to that party.

Lots of wise words above. When I get to this place you describe yourself being, I am reminded of what a very smart person told me about my incessant worrying over someone else's thoughts and views of me. He said: "What other people think of you--it's actually not any of your business."

And he was right. It isn't. It's their business. My business is to conduct myself today to the best of my current abilities, not fret over what is really sort of spilled milk at the end of the day.

You need to put this crap firmly in the past, where it belongs, and get your butt into living in the present moment. That is your trip out of this, in my humble opinion.

Two different approaches to addressing shame are below. Thich Nhat Hanh is a genius Buddhist monk who writes simply and beautifully and who could in my view someday win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to world peace. Brene Brown is an empathy researcher at the University of Houston and she teaches Shame Resilience. As it happens, I taught a shame resilience course based on her books. Def worth checking out.

Sending you positive vibes and prayers. You can do this. You are a good person. Make it happen. For you!

Robot Check

Robot Check

@bpcyclist I ordered them both. Along with a book on clouds.

Tuned out. I agree we are constantly changing and growing. Few people are stagnant in their emtional, intellectual growth.

Most people, probably the vast majority are mostly interested in how they come across to others. I wouldn't worry that much about it. Worst case scenario if you do bump into him he most likely forgot the incident. You are a good caring person.
BTW Your post reminded me of the time I did a one night stand with a man I met at a party. Then a couple years later I met him in a Jewish consumer group I belong to. The reaction by both of us was cordial on both sides. What a relief.

Forgive yourself. He probably won't think anything of it and it shouldn't matter anymore because he with someone else now. I would go to the party and have lots of fun if he there ignore him.

I got sober 7 years ago and from that very first day I adopted the "f**k offs" I say that sarcastically not literally although I literally say that sometimes too. If someone does not like me they can go F themselves. Or they can F off. I know I am a good person. Not perfect for sure but kind, compassionate, empathetic. I do tend to be a bit direct and in the past I know it came off as aggressive or maybe blunt but I believe in honesty and appreciate that in, and from someone else. But I no longer care if people like me. Sure it'd be nice if everyone did. And I'd be lying if I said someone being mean to me wouldn't hurt my feelings but I generally do not care or need validation anymore. I have been through so much and survived so I know what's important in my life and it doesnt include negative people with bad attitudes and sucky opinions of me.

This thread has been closed at the OP's request.