Husband pressuring me to dress more sexy and “accidentally” expose myself to othermen

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You're right. In my opinion, it's not respectful of your privacy (yours alone and yours as a couple).

This is very different than if your husband wanted a threesome with you AND if you were comfortable with it. Instead, your husband wants to expose you sexually to other men, including his own friends.

To me, it's almost like prostituting you, but without the sex and without the fee. That may seem like too strong of a statement, but what I am getting at is it comes across as really disrespectful of both you and these other men he wants to expose you to. And yes, his friends would probably think less of both of you. He is wrong to believe that his friends would enjoy seeing you naked. They may think it's weird and they may even think it's disrespectful themselves.


I truly hope the counseling helps as it sounds like your marriage is good otherwise, from what you've said. Wishing you the best with this issue.

Sexual fantasies in a marriage should involve both people's consent and enjoyment. It sounds like he is only thinking of his own enjoyment. It may not be a big deal to him, but it's a big deal to you. I'm concerned that he just sees you as an object.

Our marriage has been great. We got together when we were 16, married at 19 (young, I know). But it’s worked out fantastically for us. He has a great job which provides us with a well above average level of comfort in our life. He’s a great father. Super engaged. He’s my best friend and I’m his. We have so much fun together. Seriously, if people knew us they probably wouldn’t jump to being so harsh towards him. I probably framed my post poorly and painted him as some weirdo exhibitionist of me. The “accidental” flashes thing is one small aspect of this whole thing. And it’s like at a bar or something he says I should bend forward so someone could get a peek down. It’s weird, but it’s not like unheard of at a bar where people are looking to pick up women. So I probably should have titled it “ husband wants other men to see me naked” not anything about the “accidental” exposures. And that’s really where my questions are. He wants me (being fully consenting) to let his friends (also fully consenting) see me naked. So people are getting hung up on the “accidental” part and it’s not about that. Like fine, I totally understand that’s no good. I agree. But that’s not my issue, and I’m sorry I framed it wrong. It’s the him wanting other guys to see me. Like he wants me to go to a male gyno. Which I’ve never done. It’s not out of the ordinary for many women. But he likes the idea of another guy doing all of that to me. Or he’s booked massages for me and after I find out he requested a male masseur. Then he wants to hear if the guy saw anything extra than he’s supposed to. He just has a thing for other guys seeing me that’s cropped up recently in the last couple of years. And it’s been super gradual. Suggesting more revealing bikinis, then requesting me to stop wearing a bra, dress sexy when we’re going out, all the way to just saying he wants me to let his friends see me naked, or the naked room service thing. So it’s weird, and not what I think almost any other married men would want. But everything about our life and marriage other than this is great. He’s a loving, attentive, engaged husband and father. Divorce is so not even in my mind. Obviously something is driving this kink and I want to find a way to either work through it, or figure out how we fit it into our lives in a mutually acceptable way. Not sure what that looks like, but those are the questions. Oh, and like, why? Like what gets a husband to want to show his wife to other men. That seems so counter to how I know how protective men are of “their women”.

And to answer the other part of your question, he’s always been more adventurous in our sex life. If we try something new, it’s at his suggestion for the most part. Not 100% of the time. There’s plenty of things that are my idea (normal sex things I’m talking about here). But the vast majority of sexually ideas come from him and always have. He’s the one buying new toys etc. so he’s always had a very high sex drive. And I’ve had no complaints. It’s been fantastic up until this stuff.

I must be from Soddom and Gomorrah, lol. I know people who are swingers and into just where I think your husband’s kink is heading. I think he has been testing you, just a little bit of risky behavior, then more, and it won’t stop as you go along until you are full on swinging... with his lifelong friends!

Well I’ve definitely felt that way at times since all this started coming up. And I wonder if when that stuff is the focus of conversation if he sees me that way. But the reality is that the rest of our marriage is a fantastic partnership and friendship. You would never know he had these leanings. He’s an amazing husband and father. All my girl friends are jealous of what we have. And I feel incredibly blessed to have a partnership like we have. So there’s no other parts of our life where he treats me like an object. And we have your standard, everyday sort of sex plenty and he’s very loving and attentive in those times. So I have a hard time painting him as just completely sexually objectifying me when I know that to not be the case the majority of the time. It’s very confusing. And I don’t know if people are capable of compartmentalizations in that way where I could just be a sexual object in one instance, but the rest of the time not...

Maybe. It’s definitely been a gradual progressing trying to get me to do more and more. He hasn’t mentioned swinging though.

So here’s the update from our counseling session. It wasn’t very helpful at all. I appreciated the counselor’s honesty though. He said it wasn’t something he felt equipped to counsel us on and referred us to a couple other people. So I’ll be calling them today. I found out a little bit though. He explained the difference between fantasies and reality and how sometimes people get caught up in a fantasy but would never actually want to act on it. Or even have never actually played out the entire scenario in their head to know if they could even actually do it (or would really even want to). He asked my husband if he has fantasies of other men seeing me naked. Obviously my husband said yes. Then he asked, if right now, you could have another man see your wife naked, would you actually be able to go through with it. And he challenged him to take a moment and really imagine what the would be like and how it would feel and how he’d feel afterward etc. to which my husband said yes, he’d want that to happen. Which for the record felt rather uncomfortable having another guy ask if my husband would like other men to see me naked right in front of me, and then to have him say yes. It felt like he was asking if my husband would be ok with him seeing me naked right there! That totally wasn’t the case! He was very professional. But that’s totally what it was feeling like for me! Anyways, then he moved on to asking if my husband fantasized about other men actually touching me. my husband said yes. The when asked if he could actually go through with it when he played it all the way out, my husband said he thinks so. The he was asked if he fantasized about other men sleeping with me. He said yes. Which was new information to me and caught me off guard. Up until then he’d never mentioned wanting other guys to sleep with me! Then he asked if he could go through with it to which my husband said, “I don’t know”. Which was not much of a relief. I heard it sounds like he might possibly actually like the idea of me sleeping with other guys! So I’m freaking out about this new information now. Hubby and I haven’t talked too much about it all. Mostly because I’m still processing all of this new information. That’s about when he said that this is outside his expertise and referred us on. So it was like a bomb, then no support or explanation from a professional or anything! Oh, he also asked if my husband had any desire to engage with other women in this way himself. He said no to that. So it’s strictly about other guys seeing me and possible more. So I’m not sure if that’s a relief or what. I’m just trying to process everything. Could really use a professional, but I’ll have to wait until I can get another appointment with one of these other counselors.

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Originally Posted by Noname1987 Maybe. It’s definitely been a gradual progressing trying to get me to do more and more. He hasn’t mentioned swinging though.

Doesn't want to scare you off? Conditioning you little by little it sounds like. Maybe he will accept your boundaries or maybe he expects his conditioning will work & boundaries won't exist for him? Only you can confront this issue.

Kinda like the frog in the pot if hot water that is set to boil. The water warms up gradually until it is boiling & the frog ends up cooked in boiling water because he never jumped out of the pot while he still could. Confront the issue don't just wait to see where it ends up for you.

Do you think he assumes you wouldn't mind going along with it because you have a great marriage and great sex life? In other words, do you think he assumes you would be comfortable and up for it because he believes you might not think he intends to objectify you? I

It's possible that he doesn't realize he's objectifying you......

Just for the record, this really isn't something new. Men have been playing around with exposing women's bodies to gain attention throughout human history. There is Bo Derek in the movie "10" and Maryln Monroe was constantly used to lure in certain ways. There is "Hooters" where women are expected to look a certain way and wear outfits showing off things men like to look at. Hugh Hefner created his empire by finding women that had certain attributes he could show off in his magazines. There are so many movies that show women off in certain ways to varying degrees.

Your husband more than likely thinks your body is beautiful and he fantasizes about ways he can share it. However, some of his ideas are NOT things that should happen and instead should just remain fantasies. Too much of something is simply that, "too much".

I think it would be interesting to take your husband to a male strip club and then start asking him to do certain things. Very few men care to go to these kind of "women's events". What does your husband do? It would be interesting to see how he does when the shoe is on the other foot. When you try this, do it tastefully though and don't do it as a way to punish him, but instead to put him in the same position he puts you in with "hmmm, you got me thinking and how about YOU do some things for me too". Hmmm, maybe YOU playing strip poker with women and YOU losing on purpose. Often a person understands boundaries better when they are in the position of giving their boundaries up the same way. Doing it 'tastefully" however is key, because it's ok to play "some" games together, but it's important to do so in a way that doesn't push your partner's boundaries to please you in a selfish way.

Hey @Noname1987 :

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Originally Posted by Noname1987 Seriously, if people knew us they probably wouldn’t jump to being so harsh towards him. I probably framed my post poorly and painted him as some weirdo exhibitionist of me. The “accidental” flashes thing is one small aspect of this whole thing. And it’s like at a bar or something he says I should bend forward so someone could get a peek down. It’s weird, but it’s not like unheard of at a bar where people are looking to pick up women. So I probably should have titled it “ husband wants other men to see me naked” not anything about the “accidental” exposures.

I do not know if I agree that people are being harsh about what you describe. And lets take personality completely out of the equation. Plenty of people who engage in this type of behavior in a monogamous relationship are great people and partner. I think the concern lies with the fact that you have stated that you do not like it and do not want to participate. If you have said no to your husband about this or talked with him about it being uncomfortable for you then that should settle it. Needling you, bringing it back up and still talking about it is where I think the issue lies. If this was something you two had previously engaged in regularly and then suddenly you were not into it anymore I can see the point in it coming up but no is no as far as I see it.

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And that’s really where my questions are. He wants me (being fully consenting) to let his friends (also fully consenting) see me naked. So people are getting hung up on the “accidental” part and it’s not about that. Like fine, I totally understand that’s no good. I agree. But that’s not my issue, and I’m sorry I framed it wrong.

But you didnt frame it wrong as I see it- you explained it well. I didnt get hung up on the accidental part of it, I was thinking about you not wanting it and him continuing to pressure you about it.

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It’s the him wanting other guys to see me. Like he wants me to go to a male gyno. Which I’ve never done. It’s not out of the ordinary for many women. But he likes the idea of another guy doing all of that to me.

To me this is not ok because we are talking about your healthcare. No matter if its a guy or girl or whatever, engaging in that sort of fantasy with someone who is supposed to be a professional medical provider-(even if its one-sided) isn't cool IMO.

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Or he’s booked massages for me and after I find out he requested a male masseur. Then he wants to hear if the guy saw anything extra than he’s supposed to. He just has a thing for other guys seeing me that’s cropped up recently in the last couple of years. And it’s been super gradual. Suggesting more revealing bikinis, then requesting me to stop wearing a bra, dress sexy when we’re going out, all the way to just saying he wants me to let his friends see me naked, or the naked room service thing. So it’s weird, and not what I think almost any other married men would want.

The whole thing is very manipulating dont you think? If you had a daughter with the exact same situation and marriage what would you say to her?

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But everything about our life and marriage other than this is great. He’s a loving, attentive, engaged husband and father. Divorce is so not even in my mind. Obviously something is driving this kink and I want to find a way to either work through it, or figure out how we fit it into our lives in a mutually acceptable way. Not sure what that looks like, but those are the questions. Oh, and like, why? Like what gets a husband to want to show his wife to other men. That seems so counter to how I know how protective men are of “their women”.

I have no doubt that you feel he is your best friend and a great husband, and he may be. But you do not want this and he wont let it go- how does that make you feel?

I think your husband has been trying to create new games with you and at the same time wants to explore sexuality more.

What you DON'T want to develop from this desire to explore and experience these exciting rushes that he clearly is looking to experience now, is you don't want innocence to turn into "Cruel Intentions". That is what the movie is all about, innocence turning into something that results in tragedy. You have shared that you have had a long happy relationship with your husband so far. It's ok to get creative, it can even be healthy, however it can also get dark and can end up destroying something that should instead experience "healthy" growth.

Also, there are other things that you can do together that create "rushes" that can be just as good. Some couples test their personal thresholds by going hiking together, or running marathons together. It's about the desire to explore which often does develop at this age both of you are at right now.

I personally don’t have an issue with whatever your husband wants as long as it’s concentual. I’d not go for it. But others do and it’s fine. The issue I see that you didn’t know about it for all these years and it’s not really concentual as you are being ambushed and that you two might just not be compatible in that sense and he has no respect for you amd your opinion

Oh boy. I changed my opinion now after reading about male gyn and male massage. I see male gyn because he is a well known doc and I had health issues. Suggesting that women do it for their husbands pleasure and some husband get off that is offensive. These are professionals. They aren’t there for kinks. Massage professional isn’t there to accidentally take a pick. He is there to perform a professional task.

If your husband really wants all that, why isn’t he just doing with friends? Why get unsuspected professionals involved? That’s just so offensive.

I think I would just call for a total Time out.

No more talk about any of this stuff until it’s all addressed through Sessions with a Therapist.

I think you need time to just process everything and pick it all apart and see if there has been a pattern and maybe he’s been grooming you to slowly accept everything without looking at the big picture. Yes I agree Frog in a pot and heating up

I think seeing a Therapist your self might be helpful, you need to make sure your still being true to yourself... lines can get blurry when one person what’s more of something than the other.

Well I screwed up and need to vent. I tried to call my husband’s bluff tonight and it backfired. He is absolutely serious about all of his requests. Tonight he had one if his buddies over to work on my car. He kept “jokingly” telling me I should flash him as “payment”. He didn’t say it in front of his friend fortunately. He’s just whisper it teasingly every now and then. I got tired of it and went to our room. He came in a little later and asked again if I’d put on something “sexy or sheer”. I decided to call his bluff because I didn’t think he could really go through with it. And I told him that. I told him I don’t think he’s thinking it through all the way. Would he still feel like a man if he let another guy just enjoy his wife’s body? So I basically told him, fine, if you want this so bad, then you see if it’s something YOU can go through with. I’ll leave the lights on and the curtains open The rest of the evening (our bedroom looks out to our backyard. It’s private so no chance of any neighbors seeing in or anything). I’m going to take a shower, then after, I’m going to stay naked in our room. Fold laundry, watch tv, whatever I want. And you decide if you can go through with letting your friend see me naked. but make sure you really think about it and if changing your relationship with him in that way is something you’re ok with. And think about if you really want other guys looking at me that way. So I opened the curtains, sent him out, and got in the shower. I felt right then like I had gotten through to him. But I was sick of the wondering and I just wanted to call his bluff. So I was determined. I turned of the shower, dried off, hung my towel up and walked into my bedroom. I started folding laundry and turned on a show. I was pretty confident I had called his bluff and shown him he couldn’t actually go through with it. But not two minutes after I got out of the shower, I hear our backyard slider open. I started freaking out but determined to stay the course and figure out what he really wanted. Plus I didn’t even know who was going out there. And I couldn’t see much outside with it being dark. But then I heard two voices talking and knew they were both out there watching. I couldn’t believe he actually went through with it. And then I felt like an idiot for coming up with such a stupid idea that had this as the consequence if I turned out to be wrong. I avoided looking at the window directly, but I could make our both of their figures out of my peripherals. So I know they were both just standing out there watching me. But while freaking out and trying to act normal, I realized that his friend doesn’t know that I know he’s out there maybe. So if I just act normal, at least I can save face. So I carried on. I also then decided I wanted to know how long my husband would decide to stay and watch. After about ten minutes I had lost hope that they’d give up any time soon, so I Got dressed to end their little show. Then I heard them come back in the house. I stayed in my room. There was no way I was going to try to face Mark right then after he’d just seen me naked.

After Mark left, my husband came into the room. I decided to play dumb to see if he was honest. I told him I did what I said I’d do, and I asked him what he decided. I mean, at least he was honest. He said he took Mark around back to see me. I stayed calm and said something like “so you’re serious about this”. He nodded. I asked how he brought it up to Mark. He said he just told him he needed help getting something out of the backyard “so it would seem unintentional”. I asked what happened when they saw me. He said that Mark turned away and apologized. But that he told him “it’s ok, I don’t mind if you look.” Apparently Mark looked shocked but went ahead and took advantage of the offer. I said, “so Mark knows you’re ok with him seeing me naked. Was there any questioning or conversation about that?” He said Mark asked several times if he was sure that he was ok with it. My husband said he found it sexy. Mark said something about never being ok with another guy seeing his girl. I asked him if that was embarrassing or made him think again about the decision he made. He said, it was a little embarrassing, but it had been a fantasy of his for so long that it was worth it. I asked how long they watched, again trying to see if he’d tell the truth. He said 10 or 15 minutes, until I got dressed.

I said, “ok, now at least I know where you stand. Are you happy?” He said yes then made moves to have sex. I was a huge whirl of thoughts. I wasn’t sure if I was mad or hurt or what. I think the strongest feeling was a coming to grips with that this is actually something he enjoys, a lot. But I figured I’d gone ahead and fulfilled a fantasy of his, so I let him enjoy it while I just tried to wrap my head around it all. He was super vigorous, like he always is when we discuss his fantasies. Only more-so since it actually came true. He talked about how sexy it was, some comments Mark had made about my body. He was super into it. So now he’s asleep and I’m wide awake. Thinking back on how incredibly completely my plan backfired on me. But also coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t just a fantasy to talk about, he’s really able to go through with it. I’m wondering if he’ll have any regrets in the morning. And I’m wondering how long I can avoid Mark. Also wondering how this fits into our relationship. Because there’s still no way I’m leaving him over this.

Sorry for the crazy long post. I had to get it off my chest. Please, I don’t need a bunch of judgment. I know it was a mistake. I think. I really don’t know. I know I should have considered the possibility of him going through with it before I suggested it. So please, don’t pile on. I’m just doing the best I can.

I think this is a "slippery slope"----as in, what is next? He probably thinks that if you allowed this (another man seeing you naked), then you probably will take the next step...whatever that is. What if this (Mark") guy tells other people/men? Would he expose himself to another woman? We all need emotional AND physical boundaries.

I am pretty sure eventually he’d ask you to have sex with other men. Would you do that (to call his bluff?) or so you can please him?

Also where are the kids when these activities take place?

in the words of Nancy Reagan : just say no.

since his boundaries are crap, yours must be strong.....if that is what you truly want.

no game playing, no what ifs, no nothing. if it feels wrong then don't do it. period. and then keep the boundary strong 100%.