Husband pressuring me to dress more sexy and “accidentally” expose myself to othermen

Not to minimize your situation but this SNL sketch was funny and reminded me of this thread. I hope you are not upset by my posting. Just a little humor and holiday cheer. I can’t resist.

YouTube

Often fantasies should stay just fantasies. If you feel at all uncomfortable or if you are being judged in your thread, consider that none of the posters know you, imagine what it would be like if people you know found out. And NOW when your husband has his friend come around, you are going to feel different about him, and he will feel different around you. Nothing you can say to him will change that either. He felt wrong about even looking at you, had respect for your boundaries until your husband talked him into looking at you. Your husband is not respecting your boundaries, at least that is what other posters are feeling.

Do you think your husbands' friend Mark went home and told his partner that he was watching another woman naked and that the woman's husband told him to look? I doubt it-which means now he is lying by omission.

What if the husband told Mark it was his wife's kinky idea to flash herself to other male friends? THERE is no way to know for sure what the husband is up to? Some how the whole scenario looks like more than a fetish.The wife is naive and more trusting him.Not good for her IMO.

The OP has been very honest about how she’s feeling about all this and I give her alot of credit for being so open to advice given here and trying to decide what she will and won’t allow in her marriage in regards to her sex life and her husband seemingly wanting her to do various things.

She mentioned many times at this point she has no intention of a divorce. Maybe that will change.

I think the vast majority of people have fantasies, we all just decide what we are comfortable with.

This guy is up to no good. It will end ugly. There are too many bad scenarios that could happen and are known to happen. Stuff like this doesn’t end well.

And I am 99% sure your husband told his friend that his wife likes to expose herself. Otherwise Mark would be freaking out seeing you naked by accident.

Well maybe it will end badly or maybe she will decided she likes what’s going on. Everyone is pointing out possible fall out which is fine , I just don’t want the OP to get overwhelmed with advice given and leave.

This is likely right now the only place she has to talk about these things until she finds the right T that can help her.

I asked the same question. She said they are at grandmas for the weekend.

Weird. My husband and I were separated for a time, years back. I was seeing a guy who was into porn (in the sense that he was obsessed, I mean). He loved "play" accusing me of being with other men and how he would watch...so on and on...and the whole relationship got worse and weirder until I really was afraid of his obsessions.


Long story short, turned out he was a tweaker. And since I never touch street drugs I got out of that situation the day I found out. I'm absolutely not suggesting that your husband is substance using, no...his behavior, it just reminds me of that guy I dated. Creepy stuff. I hope the counseling can help. Good luck!

@Noname1987 I hope you are OK. I think the community here is just concerned over the potential ramifications of this fetish of your husband's. And according to some of the stories, there is cause for real concern. I hope you get the counseling you need, perhaps just for yourself alone, to help you sort through your feelings and thoughts on all this. I do think it's very concerning that your husband jokingly said he would pay that guy for his auto services by you flashing him. He is not showing respect towards you by saying something like that (ie. treating you almost like a prostitute, but without the sex), and that is concerning. I worry for your safety, your privacy, and your own sense of self-respect and self-worth. There are many what if's in this situation. It's up to you to determine what is best for you, but the community is definitely expressing concern for you.

Thank you so much! You’re absolutely right. I appreciate all the concern. And I’ve thought of many of those scenarios myself. Some of the advice is really helpful, and some is just super judgmental and weighing me down more. The facts are we have a wonderful life. Great friendship, most of the time a healthy, normal loving sex life. Maybe I’ve over exaggerated the frequency of these additional requests. It’s not like our lives revolve around him trying to get me to show my body. It’s an occasional request. It’s outside the norm for sure, but does that negate all the rest of the good, the 99% of really good in our lives??? And maybe my idea was incredibly stupid. But I wanted to know if he was serious. And I got my answer. Now I have to figure out what to do with that information. But thank you SO much for your support and input. It’s been so helpful!

Well no. He didn’t say that. I watched our Nest doorbell camera. And when Mark was leaving he said to my husband basically, “sorry about accidentally seeing your wife, but thanks for letting me stay and watch. She’s gorgeous.” And my husband said something like, “any time. Glad you enjoyed the view.” So he’s telling the truth and didn’t suggest it was intentional on my part. But obviously Mark knows it was intentional in my husband’s part. Which again, I don’t understand how my husband is ok with that. But whatever.

And I forget who asked, but Mark is single right now. So he wasn’t looking at me behind another woman’s back.

to the OP, I don't see any judgements of you at all, but I can see how it may feel that way. I just see concern being expressed from members. Some here see this as him being disrespectful of you, and I tend to agree with that viewpoint. But ultimately, it's up to you to determine how you feel about it, and whether you believe it crosses your personal boundaries, your own values and your sense of self-respect. If it doesn't bother you at all, then by all means, enjoy yourself. But if it does bother you, deep down, then I think all people here are just expressing their concern about the potential ramifications, and all that this could lead to. Wishing you all the best with this.

People will have different opinions on issues.You said you already knew about the possible future outcomes of this and that is what some of the posters predicted too.So I don't feel any of the posters were judgemental. It may be little overwhelming, but all are here to help you out.If I were you I would get as many as opinions,even if they differ from mine ,then I will take it or leave it.This topic itself is little different.Not many people are aware nor have experienced.I was following the thread and then decided to jump in when you posted about the suggestion of your hub "flash as a payment".I was really concerned about you.Then like I said our thought processes are different.If I were you that would be my personal breaking point ie my naked body as a payment.No matter how jokingly it was said.I wanted to share more info I knew about some of the relationships of others,that were different( kinky or fantasies stuff like that),and how they ended up later..,I mean the consequences. BUT now I prefer not to.And I would like to apologize if any of my replies upset you.But again let me tell you again I replied out of concern for you.All the best from my heart.

Yes Christina, this kind of challenge can get overwhelming and the members who are posting are concerned for her. After all, she has been with her husband for a long time and since they were very young too. I believe her in that she never expected to face this kind of challenge. She decided to see if he would really do it and found out that not only did he prove he would but that he liked it and did not show any signs of regret but instead is thinking about what he can do next.

This isn't something that has not happened before when it comes to men and even some women for that matter. Actually, there is a connection between accomplishment and gaining ability to obtain resources and status and experiencing strong desires to mate. This is a driving force in nature itself. People feel these impulses and have come up with so many different ways to relieve them or engage them not even knowing the true source of why these feelings and drives are happening in the first place.

My input in response to your problem has tried to touch on the fact that men actually have engaged in exhibiting women in different ways and that this really isn't something new. Actually, you can go to any library and find a book of early art and see paintings of women in the nude and even in different poses. Also, marriages were arranged with great consideration of maintaining wealth and resourses when there was not real sexual attraction at all and often that was something these individuals took care of elsewhere. This is exactly what took place with Prince Charles who never really loved Diana but instead lusted after Camilla who was not a woman that would have been approved of when it came to selecting a Royal wife.

Actually, Jacklyn Kennedy had to learn how to accept the fact that her husband would engage in having extra marital affairs. It was said that it was his mother who sat her down and explained to her how this is something she had to learn how to accept as was the case with Kennedy's mother who's husband had many of these daliances with other women.

I recently watched a documentary where a man decided to write a book about how from an early age he serviced all kinds of sexual fantasies of different individuals including many of the movie stars of his time that certainly had all different kinds of sexual fantasies kept hidden from the way Hollywood wanted these individuals to be seen as in overall society. Even in Hollywood marriages were arranged to make these individuals appear to be normal and capable of being devoted husband's and wives.

Ok, you are experiencing something you had not expected. This isn't unheard of and there could have been different unexpected's, like finding out he likes men too, or he has some other kind of fetish you are shocked by. What IS important when dealing with this as a couple is making sure the two of you consider the affect engaging in these fantasies can have on your family now. It's not just the two of you now, your choices can have an affect on your family, your social well being, and even how he is seen at his job. Lots of people have sexual fantasies, it's part of being human. However, just because a person has sexual fantasies, it doesn't mean they should act on them and it is important to sit and really consider the consequences. Consequences are things that can happen that are beyond one's control. Right now your husband is thinking about engaging his fantasies and he is not thinking about the consequences. That is a significant red flag and it's good that you decided to reach out about this challenge, it's clear you don't want to end up having something bad happen because of this kind of behavior he wants you to partake in. It's very concerning that he even talked about getting paid to engage in risky behaviors, that too is an important red flag. Is he ok and willing to exploit you? That's very concerning Noname.

I’m glad I could help you a bit

Hopefully you have therapy appt soon. I’d be concerned with a friend thanking your husband for allowing him to watch you. I’d have a talk with my husband that I am not an object and not his property. My body is mine. So if you want to show your naked body, it’s perfectly fine and men can thank you for the opportunity. They shouldn’t thank your husband as it’s not his body. I’d talk about it in therapy to make sure your husband understands that concept .

I don’t see any judgement. If you posted you two have open marriage or like to expose yourself and you both have fun and people said it’s wrong, it would be a judgment.

But you posted that you are concerned, uncomfortable and worried about the situation, so naturally people responded with their concerns and support for your potentially bad situation. You can’t expect people to respond “your husband has awesome wholesome ideas and you should do what he asks”.

Situation is concerning, there us no judgement about what you do, but sure ton of concern. Even if you decide to live this life style, you have to know potential danger.

What concerns me the most is his lack of care for how you feel about it (you're not comfortable, don't want to) and his continually suggesting this, requesting it from you despite you saying no.

Do you ever not give in? Regardless, it sounds like sometimes you give in and with him pushing boundaries, maybe he wants to see if you'll say yes. Like "maybe this time she'll say yes to me."

Forgive me if you've already said this, but have you ever told him, like had a serious conversation w him about how you are feeling about all this? The pressuring, coerscion, in particular? I know you said you both had a therapy appt that didn't work out and are looking for someone else. Anyway, if you have (had a serious conversation w him), how does he act / respond to you? Does he express that he cares how you feel? Does he ever get it? If not, how does he respond?

I'm just wondering, are you giving him mixed messages? It does not make this situation ok in my opinion (it just seems he is trampling on your feelings and getting what only he wants sexually) but how do you act when he suggests these things jokingly? How do you act when he suggests you do these things? I'm talking about everything from tone, to facial expression and body language. Is it inconsistent? If so, why? Are you afraid of disappointing him? Him leaving you? Something else?

And my questions are not to blame you. I'm just thinking about human behavior and how people (a lot of us) work, and sometimes it's not very effective. And also, I don't know. So I'm asking.

You don't have to (and you shouldn't have to feel like you have to) do something you're uncomfortable with and that you don't want to do.

I hear you on being worried and feeling guilty about disappointing your mate. I hear you that you love you're husband and that he's your best friend and a great father. I also believe we're all allowed to have personal boundaries and we shouldn't be pressured into sexual acts we aren't comfortable with. I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds difficult, confusing, and stressful. Be nice to you.

I hope you find another therapist who is more capable of helping you both.

That was timely!