Super toxic situation with guy

I have been spending a lot of time with this guy including him including me at his family house for the holiday. Problem is sometimes I feel he’s into me and other times it feels like he doesn’t want to be bothered by me which isn’t a good sign. He will reject my calls and ignore my texts and he rationalizes it by saying he runs hot and cold (like that’s normal?) he has also given every excuse in the book to not want a relationship right now because he’s “focusing on himself” I have known him for over a year and he has been saying all the same things. We were in a relationship for less than 6 months. It didn’t work out because he just wasn’t invested in me or the relationship but his friends, work, everything else and felt “pressured” when I mentioned us going out instead of just hanging at his house. Yes red flags are going off everywhere. We reconnected a few months later and lately we just started spending more time together but once the weather gets warm I feel he is not going to make time for me again..I don’t feel he respects me at all. He talks to me when it’s convenient and the rest of the time he will reject calls, ignore texts and this is ok because I accept this disrespect from him. I have been second guessing myself and just allowing him to treat me this way so why would he treat me differently if I’m showing him I’m ok with this behavior? 😑 As much as it hurts, I know it won’t get better and investing time with him is just a waste. He has shown me so many ways he doesn’t care-but he will do something after the behavior (being attentive) to make me take the blame. On top of everything else, he drinks heavily and smokes weed on a daily basis..I would have ran from a guy like this before, but he knows just what to say and how to act to keep me “hooked” so he knows I’m not going anywhere! I don’t want to hurt myself anymore than I already have so this can’t go on.

“I accept this disrespect from him.”
^This is the whole essence of your issue.

You have a very good understanding of what is going on and what makes this relationship toxic.

Do you see a therapist? You’ll surely focus on why you don’t immediately end this relationship. Your self esteem is low. Building self esteem will teach you to say no to him, stop calling and texting him, don’t see him anymore. Learn to never accept less than respect and fairness in a relationship.

Not all men will treat you like this. Because of your low self esteem, you are a magnet for the ones that do.

Have you considered that it's ok, and very do- able to not be in a relationship? Reading what you say here, I don't know how you can come out of this without some new emotional scars. This shouldn't be what a relationship does for you. Shouldn't it be about enjoying life together? Seeing new places, laughing and having fun?
Why would you want to continue to spend time with someone who makes you feel so insecure and doesn't want to give you what you need? You're better off without it.
And, some people are cowards, they would rather hold onto a relationship that isn't good than be without. I don't know about you, but being kept on the hook for someone who doesn't even like me anymore sounds like a crap deal.
If he doesn't have the internal fortitude to end it, do it yourself, you don't have to get permission, or agreement, it isn't right for you.

It sounds like you know he's not a good guy to date, yet you still want to make things work with him. You need to ask yourself why you want to invest your time and energy trying to date a guy who has told you he's not interested in anything serious with you. Have you ever worked with a therapist about codependency and low self esteem issues? That may be something you want to do.

The pattern you are stuck in with this guy, is one of emotional abuse. Where he neglects you and puts you down to make you feel bad about yourself, but then does or says something nice, to confuse you about his true intentions with you because his goal is to manipulate you.

He won't change. But you can change yourself. You can work with a therapist to learn how to recognize the pattern of abuse and try to avoid it. Because you have tied your self-esteem to this guy (which is why you don't want to stop trying to make things work with him even though you recognize he's abusing you), you will continue to put up with his abuse tactics.

Your right..and he always throws out hurtful comments about how much better is life is being alone. He has it too good so why should he commit? And he’s entirely too selfish anyways sounds like. I don’t want anyone that doesn’t want me. I’m good too. Wait for a guy that actually wants me to be a part of my life instead of making me feel like I’m a nuisance. No need to spend time with someone who is SO HAPPY being alone! How is that supposed to make me feel? Constant push pull and hot cold

Square peg, round hole. Unhealthy relationship.

Great! I'm glad you can see that - there really will be someone who loves you and is a good match for your needs.

I'd break off the relationship and ask yourself why you flock to abusive, toxic men. It's pattern that you rush into every relationship irregardless if it's healthy. What about these toxic men do you find yourself drawn to?

Simply put, without placing any kind of judgment on the guy and whether his behavior is bad or good, you're mentioning all sorts of reasons that this is not the guy for you. Interestingly enough, if you re-read your post you'll find that 90% of your descriptions of him are cons or negatives about him with the blip here and there about how he does something that you like. That to me says that it's not worth fussing over and it's time to move on.

I would block him totally out of your life delete his phone numbers unfollow him in social media , cut any and all ties with him.

You deserve better and honestly I think you really need to find a Therapist so you can process how your feeling and work on why your allowing people like him in.

It seems like you're already aware of what's good for you and what isn't. Definitely run from it! You deserve much better! You certainly do, my friend! I also agree with ALL the other wise and wonderful posters about you seeing a Therapist. I feel like that may help you explore the causes and the reasons why you're hanging out with this kind of men if it's frequent for you. Hopefully knowing yourself better will give you some relieve! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Disney2019, your Family, your Friends, your Guy and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Yes, there were so many red flags. He never takes me with him to events, we rarely went on a real date because of so called money problems but he can spend it one night if one of his friends beg him to go out. Bye bye

I think you already have the answers yourself and know what you need to do. You already know you're accepting less than what you should; you know that he is treating you like second fiddle and second choice; you see all the red flags; you know he is saying just what he needs to say in order to keep you hooked in. Now you just need to pull off that bandaid and walk away from him. You deserve better. Never let anyone treat you like you're second choice or second fiddle. You deserve to be treated like you're #1 in a person's life. Cut this man loose, and walk away with your dignity and pride, is my advice! Wishing you all the best.

Excellent post @TishaBuv.
I think accepting behavior gives the jerk doing the behavior sort of.. permission to keep doing it.I think you need to end this relationship and block his number and all of social media.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv “I accept this disrespect from him.” ^This is the whole essence of your issue. You have a very good understanding of what is going on and what makes this relationship toxic. Do you see a therapist? You’ll surely focus on why you don’t immediately end this relationship. Your self esteem is low. Building self esteem will teach you to say no to him, stop calling and texting him, don’t see him anymore. Learn to never accept less than respect and fairness in a relationship. Not all men will treat you like this. Because of your low self esteem, you are a magnet for the ones that do.

Thanks, @sarahsweets I learned the hard way

I would dump this guy and find someone else. It doesn't seem like he really cares about you. He just using you.