It Got Worse

Hi everyone...
I haven't posted in years. How is everyone doing?
I always come back here because the community is so honest and caring-- it makes me feel like I'm worth something.

If you scroll through my previous posts, you'll get a taste of the issues I had with my boyfriend in the past. I never mentioned one of the biggest issues: his co-workers at that bar (Kitty's.) Specifically one-- we'll call her Shameless.

My boyfriend's drinking was a known issue for years, something I tried to help with to no avail. He'd gotten better both as a person and with his drinking and we were doing well up until July 2019.
He'd gone for a pub crawl with his new bar's (Kiwi's) entourage of co-workers and bosses. It was a marketing thing. He promised he wouldn't get drunk (I've been here before, haven't I?)
Lo-and-behold, he was drunk when he got home. I was SO angry, I chose not to argue and just go to bed but I had this sinking, burning feeling in my chest. I couldn't breathe-- I don't know what it was.

I rolled over and checked his phone. Texts to his co-worker (not Shameless, we'll call this one Brazen) saying "You're ridiculously cute" and "You always look sooo good." I grew cold and livid. Flew off the handle at him, yelling, crying, raging-- everything. He was in tears, didn't remember sending the message.
As I continued yelling, he blurts out another truth: "I cheated on you. With Shameless." Back in 2016. "We had sex. After the Christmas Party."

My world was flipped completely upside down.
Throughout all of 2016, I faced issues with him and this girl. I warned him about her. I asked him to cease contact. "We work together. Nothing is going on. She's just a friend. She thinks you're pretty." That damn sentence. Back then, she'd taken his phone and put a heart emoji next to her name in his contacts. She snapped a picture with him, that was her contact photo. She constantly texted him, snapchatted him. They spent at least 10 hours a day with each other at work-- and I barely saw him. How could I compete?
They had sex on December 20th, 2016 and he kept it a secret until this year.
I had suspicions back then. I straight out asked him. He denied it every time. He denied it through guilty rages but now that I think about it, he confessed when he was concerned about a skin tag on his p*nis, thinking it was an STD.
"What are you so worried about? It's just a skin tag."
"I don't want you to think I cheated on you," in the smallest, meekest voice.

It's so laughable now. I feel like such a fool.
I was manipulated, emotionally abused-- and I let it all happen!
Now I'm plagued by constant images, thoughts, nightmares, suicidal thoughts... I'm so scared of myself. I just want to be happy.
It's so unfair to see him just sit there, content and me, a complete broken version of myself. I'm so angry and hurt, I don't even recognize who I am anymore.

I've bought multiple books to help me get through this, I've been to counseling for maybe like a month (it was getting very expensive, so I had to stop)-- I can't understand why I can't let go of this anger. For weeks at a time, I'd be okay and now? It's his birthday and all I want to do is disappear.

Please help me. I have no one to depend on.

Edit:
My boyfriend has since changed completely after the revelation. He completely admitted to everything, never held anything I wanted to know back. He went to counseling, he's bought a ring, he wants children-- he tells me that a life with me is all he wants and I believe him. He's even got a career in HVAC now. I feel like everything happens for a reason-- but why at the expense of others? He's grown a great deal and I'm very proud but now I feel like I'm the one holding us back.

You say you feel like you are holding back ?? Well it’s going to take time for you to fully forgive him and allow trust to rebuild. This can not happen over night.

Take you time , actions speak louder than words. Anyone will be on there best behavior after such a horrible betrayal.

Certainly don’t marry him until you truly love him with no second thoughts and he’s given you no reason to question his loyalty.

Take your time

He has to stop drinking alcohol and get sober once and for all. He is a binge alcoholic and when he drinks he makes bad decisions.

I lived what you have shared and went through so many "I love you and I will never hurt you again" only to once again get hurt.

My husband cheated on me too, I was totally devastated by it. I had a young beautiful litte girl what he did hurt us both. Also, he told you a lot when he was worried about that skin tag, it means he did not have protected sex which means he also put YOUR health at risk too.

I experienced this too.

Yes, I have experienced this as well. I was devasted and what changed dramatically was my ability to trust.

Sorry to hear that he cheated. Possibly more than once taking in consideration his substance abuse

Listen I’ll be frank. You’ve been with this man for several years now and all you have is constant troubles and difficulties with him. It doesn’t sound like happily ever after to me.

Why would you consider marrying someone who you have so many issues with? There are many nice sober honest and interesting high quality men out there.

I don’t believe you are holding your relationship back. It’s your guts wisely telling you something.

In addition if you do want to stay with him there is nothing one can do to stop it, but please don’t bring children into this. It’s not responsible to raise kids in the household like this. Father arriving home drunk. Not good.

Also makes me wonder why he confessed his infidelity 3 years after it happened. Makes one wonder. I’d not trust that he didn’t do it more than once. Surely I’d never have unprotected sex with him. He isn’t to be trusted

I knew someone who contracted HIV from her own husband who slept around (she didn’t know). She recently passed away from AIDS, it killed her. She did live long with the illness but she didn’t deserve to suffer like this. No man worth that.

Did you feel ashamed to stay with your husband? How long did it take you to heal?

It's so unfortunate to hear about the woman who passed due to her husband's disgusting choices. I feel awful hearing that.
You have been consistent in your advice for years now and I truly appreciate and understand where you're coming from-- maybe you're right and I'm too blind to see but I really believe the things he's told me. He tells me it was only once. He was extremely drunk. He admits he doesn't remember if he used a condom because he was so drunk. He told me when he woke up and realized what he'd done, he was drowning in regret.
He hasn't blamed me for anything, just himself. He's been forthcoming with any bit of information I ask for and has been ready and willing to go the distance. I did get an STD test and I am clean (Thank goodness.)
I know how he's been in the past but he's grown up so much-- it's so hard to compare him to the past because he really isn't that person anymore.
He barely drinks now and actually communicates with me. He tells me how he's feeling and wants to have intimate conversations about what's going on with us and my own mind. He's so worried about me.
Just seeing the way he is now, it makes it so hard to leave because this is the real him. This is my best friend.

I don't want to leave, I'm sorry. I feel like we can get through this.
I don't want to get married or have children yet-- I'm still only 26. I want to heal and then cross that bridge at another time.
I can't find it in myself to forgive him yet-- why?? I don't want to be cruel.

He sounds good right now but it only has been four months since his new look. I suggest giving it time and seeing if it lasts.

If he could afford counseling for himself perhaps he can help pay for yours. It is because of him that you need it.

I imagine that you can’t forgive him yet because of the magnitude of what he did to you. Forgiveness often takes time. And the more healed you become (e.g. through counseling) the easier it will be to forgive.

It takes Time to Forgive someone. Give it Time. I am REALLY HAPPY he seems to have reformed. Of course only Time will tell whether that's true or not. Be careful and keep an eye on him. If he does this again, I don't think you'll have any doubts about what to do next. Keep going to your Counsellor - hopefully he will be able to help you, with Time of course. Wishing you BOTH the best of Luck! I am SURE Time will heal ALL of your Scars. Just try to do your best and to Live your Life. Forgiveness will come when you feel like it at the most appropriate Time. I am sure things will improve if he improves too - of course it will take Time and Effort but it IS possible! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @thought_pool, your Family, your Friends, your Boyfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

The big problem was his binge drinking at first and I did not know he had cheated on me until he had stopped drinking and was sober for about 6 years. He was not going to tell me but there were things going on in our life where it would have come out. It was a terrible thing for me to find out that so many other people knew I didn't. I also had to deal with how his guilt came out in how he treated me badly at times and I learned how that is what guilt can do.

I wanted to believe he would never cheat on me and that he really loved me and I could trust him. I wanted a man I could feel "safe" with that way. I was ok with him not being perfect, it was important to me that he love and respect me. Part of the love I had for him was based on trusting him not to disrespect our marriage and cheat on me with some other woman.

I felt ashamed that I did not find out sooner and that I chose to trust someone that failed to respect me the way I had thought he would. Also, the fact that he continued to keep what he did a secret from me for so long, that too was bad for my relationship and thinking I married someone I could trust.

I think that once a person cheats like that, it forever changes that deep trust and sense of safety because that other person has just proven they are capable of being selfish and disrespectful. Truth is, I have had to bear the burden of being hurt for my entire life. Truth is, we never forget life experiences that hurt us. That saying is true "We may not remember exactly what someone said, but we never forget how that person made us feel".

It's not wrong that you were deeply hurt. It can definitely be a struggle when it comes to continuing to love someone that hurt you so deeply. I think each person varies when it comes to forgiveness and deciding to continue to love someone that failed to respect something clearly important to them.

Everything you've described is exactly where I feel like I am right now but I'm struggling to discern whether it is the broken trust or the physical sex that's hurt me most.
Mine had also treated me very badly-- slurs, scary actions like kicking in a door, grabbing my wrists, blatantly saying things like "I don't like living with you,"-- all from that same year. The revelation of this disgusting decision has made everything flood back and I learned I never really recovered from anything. I only buried it.
Right now, I just feel so angry and numb. I'm saying hurtful things because I don't care how he feels presently and I just feel terrible for it.
I can't seem to pull myself out of this mindset and I don't want to hurt him.

Saying "I don't like living with you" often means "I don't like living with the guilt I feel because I cheated you".

We don't want to hurt someone we love. Yet, he did hurt you and he says mean things to you and even grabbed your wrists so that means he can get physical with you as well.

It's understandable that you struggle with all of this because of how much you WANTED to love him. Yet, he needs to prove to you that he actually deserves your love. Just behaving for four months is not enough. You may be exposing yourself to experiencing a relationship where you end up living your life around HIS behaviors where he behaves for a while and then he once again does something bad. That is what I lived with for a long time not even realizing I was living something that was very unhealthy for me and dysfunctional.

It's important that you see a therapist about this challenge so you can better understand what kind of "unhealthy" conditions you are living with and to also learn "why" you are accepting this kind of pattern of behavior. Often this actually stems from a person's history where they grew up seeing this kind of behavior pattern exist in their parent's relationship. A person can "unknowingly" learn to think that it's normal behaviors that take place in a relationship, after all it's what mom and dad did too. Well, it's NOT healthy and just because it feels familar, doesn't mean it's a healthy familiar.

Also, your husband is probably acting out behaviors he also saw in his childhood as well, he has really learned very dysfunctional ways of relationship behaviors. You cannot FIX him either, the only one that can do that and he has to WANT to do that, is him.

Truth is, we can love someone who is not healthy for us. You deserve to experience a relationship where you can love someone who is capable of respecting and loving you back. You have been dragged into a dysfunctional love that is unhealthy for you.