Forced in the middle of a feud

Hi there.
I would appreciate as many responses as possible.

In short, my mom is relying on me to get my sisters to speak with her again.

First to get a quick idea of the family relationship.
It is just me, my mom and two (twins) sister here. The rest of the family lives on another continent. In my teens my mom is in a relationship with a guy I butt heads with every day. And thus I try to get out of the house every moment I can. That plus my sister's having each other, made it so we never got as close as usual siblings I guess.
I left home for good after having enough fighting with my moms bf.

So about 3 years ago, I hosted Christmas eve for me, my mom, two sisters and 2 family friends.
Sometime during the night my mom stated something ( exactly what is unimportant to the story).
I told her I disagreed with her "fact" due to my previous work in a related area. My sister pitched in saying she also thought she was wrong (she was studying something directly to the subject). My mom got annoyed, but stuck to her fact. I asked why she would stick to it rather than actual facts from her daughter who is getting educated in the subject. She gets more annoyed and starts talking about how i wouldn't know because I don't have a social life and stuff like that. (Ive battled anxiety for years but do work. However I acknowledge I relax best at home.)
As she is going on about how I don't have a life I google for the answer and I show her as it backs up me and my sis. She still continues. I shut it down and tell her I don't want to fight and go out for a smoke.
The rest of the evening is tense and when its time for them to leave (sisters live outta town and where staying at my moms) we kinda just acknowledge the fight happened and that we should move on.

About an hour after everyone is gone, my sisters call crying. Asking if they can sleep at my place. I tell them of course. When they arrive I ask what happened. They say that in the car my mom starts talking all kinds of trash about me. They then start defending me and then her anger turns on them.
In the meantime my mom is texting me with some really drunk mean texts. When I respond that we should just leave it for now and talk tomorrow, her answer is "yeah, I don't think so, byyeee".

The morning after my sister's go back to their place and have refused to speak with her ever since.
I spoke with her mainly over text for 3 months before saying we should try and pick up the pieces.

Ever since, our relationship has been rough.
And pretty much every conversation ends up being her talking about how I should fix it and get my sister's talking to her again.

This has resulted in me talking and texting to them over the years, all with the same outcome. Them being annoyed I'm butting in and them not wanting to have any contact with our mom.

And everytime I tell her "I can't fix this. I can't change their thoughts".
I'll ask her what it will take for her to stop putting me in the middle of this?
And always it's just the same.
Ask them if they wanna talk.
....... And it's always no. Not at this time
Ask them why they don't wanna talk.
.......And it's always the same. She won't listen to them.

So after 3 years I think. Okay I'll write them in a way that needs a clear yes or no answer so my mom will stop asking me all the time.

One sister completely stops responding as long as she is the subject.
The other basically states that if she died, it wouldn't bother them.

Sure I was surprised with the blunt answer. But my thoughts went straight to "crap, I gotta tell my mom this".

And I do. Tears turns to anger and back and forth.
And again she keeps asking me to write, call and so on.

It's never ending.

And I've tried explain what I think my sisters mean when they say she doesn't listen.
Aside from above, she will cut you off.
If you say your tired cause you only slept 4 hours, she's only slept 2 hours.

If like now I'm struck with the flu, I should just "pull myself" together and go to that party anyway which I had planned.

So she is counting on me to show up to dinner tomorrow as planned too. Fever in hand.

But she doesn't get it. Sickness is no reason to stay home from work or drinking for her.

Only last week she got a lump looked at which she's had for a month. Now it might turn out to be cancerous. So I had her crying in the phone earlier talking about how none of her kids care about her.
Me mainly because I dint tell my sister that it was f*** up how she replied about her dying.

Maybe I'm in the wrong. My mom keeps talking about how everyone (family and people I've never heard of) keep asking why I don't do something, while those I ask say it ain't my fight.

I've always told my mom I won't go along with her to ambush them at their home.
But now with the crying and the cancer scare I can feel I find it hard to say no when she asks again today.

Yeah I don't know. I just need some guidance from fresh eyes.

Hello Titm: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. Welcome to Psych Central. I'm sorry I don't think there is a lot I can offer with regard to your concern. (Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some thoughts they can share.)

Personally I'm with the people who've told you this isn't your fight. You're being repeatedly drawn into a battle you have no way of resolving. Your mother & your sisters have to resolve their differences themselves. And if they cannot you can't make that happen. It's sad your mother may have cancer. But you still can't change what is happening between your mother & your sisters.

Basically what's occurring here, it seems to me, is that you are being manipulated by your mother who's using you to satisfy her own emotional needs. What may be necessary, it seems to me, is simply for you to establish & enforce some personal boundaries. (I say "simply"... I know it's not really that simple.) I realize that's not easy when it's your mom. But the alternative may well be to just be continually drawn back into this no-win dispute.

Here are links to 10 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting the situation you're in into perspective. The first 3 links are to articles on the subject of manipulation. The next 4 links are to articles on the subject of personal boundaries. Then come links to 2 articles on enmeshed relationships. And finally there's a link to an article on how to deal with difficult family members:

How to Spot Manipulation

5 Warning Signs of Manipulation in Relationships

Tactics Manipulators Use to Win and Confuse You

What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?

What Are Healthy Boundaries and Why Do I Need Them? | Happily Imperfect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...hy-boundaries/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...amily-members/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thanks a lot for the response. I will take a look at those links. Thanks again

Hi Titm, welcome to Psych Central. I'm new here as well. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and be stuck in the middle, and that your mother may have cancer. I agree with Skeezyks, and I've got nearly 40 years of dealing with a manipulative parent. I am so sorry; as I know what it feels like to feel so torn.

Unfortunately, you may have to just very clearly tell her that you've tried repeatedly to speak to them and at this time they aren't willing to speak about this. It may be helpful to tell her that maybe giving them some more time (Not a day, or a week, but maybe some months...) would help heal the wounds that are clearly deep and allow some sort of communication between them at some point in the future.

If she won't agree to that, you may have to create some boundaries regarding your mother and stick firmly to them. For instance, I used to tell my mother that if she wanted me in her life, she needed to stay sober (she was an alcoholic and was a very abusive drunk). My mother got sober, and remained sober for the last 7 years of her life(with one brief slip) as a result. I'm not saying that this will work like magic and she'll quit drinking and manipulating you, but it may help if you set and enforce your boundaries with her.

I hope that this helps, and I hope that you feel better!

Hey @Titm Welcome. I read your post and i have some thoughts. Please know that I am blunt sometimes and I do not mean to sound harsh.

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Originally Posted by Titm This has resulted in me talking and texting to them over the years, all with the same outcome. Them being annoyed I'm butting in and them not wanting to have any contact with our mom.

I completely understand why your sisters would be annoyed at you bringing up your mom or delivering a message from her to them. Your mom can contact them if she wants to and its up to them to either accept contact, tell her to F off or not saying anything to her at all. I can appreciate your position and your desire for peace and closure but your mom does not want closure.

Quote:

And everytime I tell her "I can't fix this. I can't change their thoughts". I'll ask her what it will take for her to stop putting me in the middle of this? And always it's just the same. Ask them if they wanna talk. ....... And it's always no. Not at this time Ask them why they don't wanna talk. .......And it's always the same. She won't listen to them.

I do not understand why you would even ask your mom what it will take to stop putting you in the middle. You are in the middle at this point because you allow yourself to be manipulated by your mother and interfere with the three of them. I get it, family peace would be great but once you told her you do not want to be involved, what did you do to reinforce that boundary? What did you tell her would happen if she continued to maneuver you into the center of the trouble? When you set a boundary or say what you will and will not put up with you also have to say what will happen if that boundary is violated. This way there is no confusion for the person instigating the trouble. If you told her that you didnt want to be in the middle, or hear about it or deal with it; and she still went on and on- if she didnt know there would be a consequence that you would uphold, then why would she stop? Her strategy is working perfectly. Poke and prod and guilt you into butting in.

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So after 3 years I think. Okay I'll write them in a way that needs a clear yes or no answer so my mom will stop asking me all the time.

3 YEARS? Holy hell that is too much time for you to have dealt with this. 3 years of annoyance should be a good demonstration of what your efforts yield and what the outcomes will be.

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One sister completely stops responding as long as she is the subject. The other basically states that if she died, it wouldn't bother them.

Good for them. I dont blame them.

Quote:

Sure I was surprised with the blunt answer. But my thoughts went straight to "crap, I gotta tell my mom this".

No you didnt. I know you hadnt set proper boundaries with her at this point but there was no reason to tell her this. You should have told her you didnt get an answer and then set your boundaries. You already knew what her reaction would be.

Quote:

And I do. Tears turns to anger and back and forth. And again she keeps asking me to write, call and so on. It's never ending.

Look your mom knows what she is doing. You need to be very clear with her:
"Mom, I am tired of being in the middle and I will not be anymore. I will not contact my sisters for you or talk to them about you. I will not talk to you about them. If you want to contact them its on you. If you continue to bring them up during our conversations I will end the conversation (if on the phone or text) until another day, or leave/go somewhere else until you are able to refrain from making the subject them."
And then you have to do those things.
You might have to hang up on her or even walk away from her because she will test you. But if she wants a relationship with you you have to teach her how to treat you.

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And I've tried explain what I think my sisters mean when they say she doesn't listen.

The WORST thing someone can do is try to explain or interpret what someone else meant when they talked to you- to another person.

Quote:

Aside from above, she will cut you off. If you say your tired cause you only slept 4 hours, she's only slept 2 hours. If like now I'm struck with the flu, I should just "pull myself" together and go to that party anyway which I had planned. So she is counting on me to show up to dinner tomorrow as planned too. Fever in hand. But she doesn't get it. Sickness is no reason to stay home from work or drinking for her.

This ridiculous. Dont answer the phone and please stay home and do not spread the awful flu around because you feel guilty. So what if she slept two hours or isnt sick- or is sick and powering through it. That is her issue.

Quote:

Only last week she got a lump looked at which she's had for a month. Now it might turn out to be cancerous. So I had her crying in the phone earlier talking about how none of her kids care about her. Me mainly because I dint tell my sister that it was f*** up how she replied about her dying.

When you say "might be cancerous" what do you mean? Do you mean she is having a biopsy or surgery and that a doctor told her it could be cancer? Or is this just something she inferred and is using to layer on some guilt?

Quote:

I've always told my mom I won't go along with her to ambush them at their home. But now with the crying and the cancer scare I can feel I find it hard to say no when she asks again today.

DO NOT AMBUSH your sisters. DO NOT let cancer issues play into your decisions. Guess what? If she has cancer whether you went over to your sisters' house or contacted her wont matter- she will still have cancer. And if you do not have something verifiable about actual cancer in your mother do not tell either sister. She could be using the whole thing to get them and you to do what she wants.
I had a lump on my thyroid. Sure I could have told everyone that I had a lump that could be cancerous because any out of place lump could be cancerous. There is a difference between an actual doctor talking about possible cancer and having a lump. no offense.

I really think you have to stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up, open up your mouth and let it all out. Tell her about three years of pain and confusions. Get angry, cry, let it all out. Then tell her that is the last time the subject will ever be discussed.
Splash some cold water on, breathe deep and know that for once, you are on the right path to peace.

Very sorry to hear that you're stuck with this situation. Common tactic for a mother to try and play off children against each other. Unfortunately, mothers seem to be masters at this behaviour!

It's uncomfortable and demeaning when we get blamed for all sorts of things, including others actions, when we've made the effort to bring them together. Have a longstanding issue in my family, with brother favouring company of his in-laws. Things he's said to me over the past years, that if I told my mother, think it would seriously damage her fragile health. He's always been the favourite, comes out with platitudes to her, to give him more time to do what he wants. Oh, and I should be grateful to him and his wife for inviting me there at holiday times. So that's another excuse for his poor behaviour.

In families, it's difficult to take sides. You must stay true to yourself. Sometimes it's impossible to heal a rift, the only person who'll suffer is you. Sorry to be so harsh!

It sounds like you did try to ask both sides to call the other to make peace. That’s all you can do. Now, you are just being badgered. You also have a right to be hurt at how your mother criticizes you. Her children do not care about her because she’s MEAN.

I’d distance myself and keep a careful balance. You don’t need to go out with fever because you are being bullied into it. Boundaries! Enforcing them and being respected is going to be nearly impossible with toxic people, but stay firm to yourself because you are the most important person to you.

Appreciate all the replies. But yeah I know I toughen up. Just hard for me I guess.

It's not your responsibility to fix the relationship your mother has with your sisters. Your sisters have decided that their relationship with their mother tends to lead to them feeling upset and your mother expects them to give into HER needs. From what you have shared, your mother expects you and your sisters to bend and give in while she stands her ground even when she is wrong. Your mother has to learn to accept when she is wrong and that her children deserve and have a right to have their own opinions on things.

Your mother in three years has not admitted she was wrong and that her needing to continue to insist even when she was wrong is why her daughters don't want to be around her. Your mother doesn't care to be responsible for her own "wrongs". This is something YOU cannot fix. I am sure you want your mother and sisters to find a way to get along better. Unfortunately, your mother is the one that has created this problem in that she is not willing to admit her own wrongs, not even when others show her facts proving she is wrong. Plus, your mother emotionally manipulates you by expecting you to fix HER wrongs. This is just another way your mother is STILL after three years now refusing that she was wrong in that arguement and how poorly she treated your sisters driving home and when they were to sleep at your mother's house. The only recourse you have is to say to your mother, "Mom, your unwillingness all this time to admit you were wrong even when your daughters proved you wrong is why they don't want to connect with you. Your expecting me to fix YOUR unwillingness to admit when you are wrong is not something I can do. It's something YOU have to do and only YOU."

Thanks again. And a small update. Her check was today. So early today I got a message "I'll talk to you later, it is cancer... Unfortunately".

I respond "****. I'm heading for work, but I'll leave my sound on the phone on just in case."
Then I'm off work. I see she is on MSN. I write
"I'm off work, can I call?".
No response.. So I call anyway. No answer. (no answering machine either, so guess I rejected the call manually.
And fair.
But then I see on Facebook she has a new post. Pictures from the doctor, some city pics, and bar pics. The caption something like" the worst happened. Thanks to - x- and to those who thought about me.

(x is her friend who went along).

I'll be honest. I'm kinda pissed I get no more info than, it's cancer. And she has time to make a damn Facebook post.
So I can't just wait for her to call or the next fb post to know how serious it might be. What the plan is and so on.
And I bet she's gonna somehow turn it over on me.
That I didn't care or whatever.

But yeah that's that.
If she does I'll let her know it's messed up.
And I've told her no yesterday concerning the sister's.

So yay Christmas.....
Honestly just waiting for January at this point.

Hey @Titm
I dont mean to be disrespectful but based on your mothers' past behavior you may want to find a way to be sure she is sick and not trying to manipulate your sisters or you into doing what she wants.

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Originally Posted by Titm Thanks again. And a small update. Her check was today. So early today I got a message "I'll talk to you later, it is cancer... Unfortunately". I respond "****. I'm heading for work, but I'll leave my sound on the phone on just in case." Then I'm off work. I see she is on MSN. I write "I'm off work, can I call?". No response.. So I call anyway. No answer. (no answering machine either, so guess I rejected the call manually. And fair. But then I see on Facebook she has a new post. Pictures from the doctor, some city pics, and bar pics. The caption something like" the worst happened. Thanks to - x- and to those who thought about me. (x is her friend who went along). I'll be honest. I'm kinda pissed I get no more info than, it's cancer. And she has time to make a damn Facebook post. So I can't just wait for her to call or the next fb post to know how serious it might be. What the plan is and so on. And I bet she's gonna somehow turn it over on me. That I didn't care or whatever. But yeah that's that. If she does I'll let her know it's messed up. And I've told her no yesterday concerning the sister's. So yay Christmas..... Honestly just waiting for January at this point.

You cannot be forced into this feud. It is not your job.

If your sisters don't want to heal this rift, I agree with others, there's nothing you can or should be expected to do.

As for Christmas, I feel the same way. Found out, a few days ago, that my sis-in-law's older daughter + partner + her son are all staying there on Christmas Eve. Apparently all arranged sometime ago. All my brother has said to our mother is it's up to you what you do at Christmas. What a load of bull***t!

Sorry, but if this rift healed between your mother and sisters, then there'd be another one. You'd probably find yourself stuck in the same position again. Cynical I know but if your mother wants to sort out this problem, for health reasons or not, she should do it on her own.

I am deeply wounded by some of members from by biological family.I did what ever I can.Eventually realised it is impossible to please toxic people.For my own sanity I started keeping distance.Some wanted me in the picture again,but I refused and stood my ground.I don't want to involve in their toxicity. I have had enough.I advise you not to be the middle man.Let your sister's handle their relationship with your mother in this health crisis.You decide how you want to handle yours. All the best.

Hi. Just a quick update.
First off, I'm happy for all the responses.

The cancer is real. How serious no one can tell atm.
Might know more on Monday.

Christmas eve was just me and her. A lot of tears and a lot of discussion. Rather fighting would be more accurate. But in the end it ended with smiles and an agreement that I'm done being in the middle.

But it just went from one stressing event to another I guess. And honestly I don't know how to react.
Might be more fitting for a new topic, but I don't know.