How do you deal with someone who has a wall up?

I have known this guy for a year..we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, but we’re definitely more than friends. We have sleepovers, spend holidays together, etc. He has a therapist and has admitted intimate details about his sessions to me. He admitted that he has a wall up so it’s what his therapist wants to work on. What I don’t like is how at times he will want to go into his cave so he won’t really be too responsive to my texts and won’t pick up the phone. I am codependent, so I think if I had a busier life I wouldn’t be so needy and probably wouldn’t notice if we didn’t talk for a day..we talk and text practically everyday..but I get worried If we don’t talk for one day..I gather he just needs his space..

It's interesting that opposites seem to attract. As someone who might be described as having a wall, maybe I can give you can idea how it feels on the other side of that wall.

It often feels very intrusive when people don't give me space when I need it. Even though I know some people mean well. Sometimes people push so hard saying they care about me but showng by their actions that they don't care at all or respect my boundaries. First I feel guilty about shutting them out, then I start to resent them because it seems as if they they only care about looking like they care and don't care about how it makes me feel. I usually end up hating people who keep acting intrusive to show affection because it seems inconsiderate from my point of view.

I can't say that your boyfriend feels exactly as I do, but you might want to give him space when he wants to be alone. I think the way relationships are shown on tv gives the wrong impression that pressing people to talk about personal problems is a way to show that you care when it often makes things worse in real life.

I think it's good that you recognize that you have some tendencies and maybe need to find a way to keep busy. It's very hard being the one in a relationship who has to pursue a distsnt partner and the anxiety of it might cause you to drive him away. Do you have any interests like hobbies that can keep you occupied? Even games like Candy Crush can help pass the time. If your boyfriend thinks you are needy, he might feel a lot of guilt and that might lead to resentment.

Good luck. I hope my opinion didn't offend you.

Do you see a therapist for your codependency?

As a recovering codependent myself, I learned that codependents are naturally attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable. So, that could be why you are with a guy who won't commit to being in a real relationship with you.

Also a recovering codependent and yes my track record of past lovers shows a lot of neediness and desperation from my side. Maybe we need to define what love should look like to us. Maybe it’s about mutual openness and willingness to see and acknowledge the other person.

In every relationship I think we shouldn’t stop loving who we are and taking care of ourselves. We cannot put the responsibility on our partner to give us the nurturing we should be doing ourselves. When we enter relationships with needs or expectations there’s a lot of room for disappointment. Right now I’m single because I came to realize there’s still a lot of work and selfish goals I want to pursue first. So that when I finally open up to someone, the love they give me is just a bonus from the love I already show myself daily.

All the best. Blessings.

Hey @Roxanne0811 Is it really your job to take the wall down?

I understand Your struggles! I don't think there's a specific Answer for it, though. He's working on it so what you can do right now i just be patient and perhaps work on yourself as well since You're struggling with Codependency Yourself. I am sure that you'll BOTH come out stronger afte rthis! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Roxanne0811, your Family, your Friends, your Friend and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I'm with Sarah on this. Why the need to try and breach his wall?

I'm an introvert with a stressful job. There are nights I come home and want to vanish into my "cave." I have a friend who texts/calls me every day, some times multiple times a day. There are nights I don't answer the phone when I see her number on caller ID. It's not that I don't care for her. I do. It's that I'm taking care of myself. Why not give him the space he wants/needs?

If this guy isn’t in a committed relationship with you he has zero obligations to be in daily communication with you. I’d take focus off him and his walls and focus on why do you need to hear from this man daily especially if he wants his space. Are you seeing a therapist? It could be helpful

I also think that people who have tendencies to be co dependent tend to be attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable. I think both need to work on self... also labelling someone who is the opposite which someone was initially attracted to usually isn't kind or even accurate. Many ''co dependents'' have done a lot of work on themselves, even without adequate therapeutic support and so are not automatically ''weak'' or ''needy'' - whatever that even is.

Someone who has a wall up... the wall is there for a reason. I was told by a therapist I had ''too many defences''. wtf does that mean? ''Too many'' walls for her to …..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear Someone who has a wall up... the wall is there for a reason.

I agree Fuzzy. Walls exist for a reason. Houses have walls to protect us from the elements. Internal, emotional walls also exist to protect us.

Years ago my T pointed out that we can put a door in the wall so we can pick and chose who to let in.

It sounds like this was a wise T

I agree that its not your job to knock his walls down. That's his own job. If he has walls up with you then you need to just accept that he is not emotionally available to you. And there's nothing you can do to make him emotionally available to you.

Really? Is that why I attract clingy people? I keep encountering people I talk to once and they think we are best friends and insist I need their intervention in my personal life.

Usually they are lonely older men but there were a couple of women. One lady followed me through a store asking for my contact details while I kept saying no. People somehow get into imaginary relationships with a fantasy version of me in their minds. And a couple of guys wrote reproachful emails to say I hadn't been a good friend when I only knew them for a few minutes. Is that what co-dependancy looks like?