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Molinit
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Default Jan 06, 2020 at 01:50 PM
  #21
At minimum it's an emotional affair. So he doesn't want you involved with anyone else emotionally. That's his line. Either accept that or leave and live the way you want.
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Default Jan 06, 2020 at 01:52 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by Werewoman View Post
Yes, you're right, but that's not how this is supposed to work. As a Domme, its my prerogative to take on as many submissives as I like. A submissive cannot tell his/her Domme what they can and cannot do, but he doesn't agree with that. So I am no longer a Domme and it has left a giant hole in my life. Its not like I can just stop being dominant. It's not what I do, its who I am.
If that's the case, you can be "who" you are without being married to the person who doesn't want you involved with another person under any circumstances.

This is all very easy. Your problem comes in wanting both worlds. Not going to happen.
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Default Jan 07, 2020 at 07:01 AM
  #23
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Originally Posted by Werewoman View Post
Yes, you're right, but that's not how this is supposed to work. As a Domme, its my prerogative to take on as many submissives as I like. A submissive cannot tell his/her Domme what they can and cannot do, but he doesn't agree with that. So I am no longer a Domme and it has left a giant hole in my life. Its not like I can just stop being dominant. It's not what I do, its who I am.
@Werewoman, I don't know anything about the lifestyle of dommes and subs, so I am curious...

What were the terms of the marriage since your husband is a sub? Was it agreed upon initially that you could have as many subs as you wanted within the marriage, and then he changed his mind due to jealousies? Was it ever discussed and hashed out how the domme/sub dynamic would function within a marriage? What was your understanding of how the marriage would function?

If it was never discussed, did you assume that you could do as you please? And did your husband assume that you would be devoted in every way only to him?

I can understand you now feeling like a huge hole is missing in your life because a domme is who you are. I am just trying to get to the root of the matter by understanding the dynamics and agreements or assumptions made within your marriage.

And if it was never discussed, maybe now is a good time to have that discussion about what each of your understanding was and is within the domme/sub relationship dynamic?

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Default Jan 10, 2020 at 03:22 PM
  #24
I was in the lifestyle for a little while. mostly curiosity. and the no sex makes this a unique situation. I do think he got a little jealous. and talking to him about both your feelings is important.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 08:16 AM
  #25
Thanks for the input everyone.

Since I first posted this, I have gone through several changes.

This is not the first time I've had to deal with his jealousy. When I think back over the years, I realize this is nothing new and has nothing to do with kink as I first thought.

Regardless, it really doesn't matter anymore. I've hung up my corset. I'm done with being a Domme. I can't deal with this anymore.

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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 12:28 PM
  #26
I think it's important to understand what you loved about it Werewoman. Given the life challenges you had faced, often that leaves someone with challenges of "powerlessness" which I myself can relate to. Often it's a genuine struggle to figure out how to regain your own personal sense of power. It's really not about the corset, its more about what is in you that got hurt and working on identifying that and healing it. I know that isn't easy either, been working so hard on that myself. Often the true power comes from not having total control over others, but learning how to compromise and gain control over yourself. I do not want to make light of this challenge either, I have most definitely been battling with this myself. Your relevance as a human being doesn't need to come from domination. Often that is what abusers wanted and how you got hurt. Sometimes a person can try to fix that by dominating others themselves. Well, that's not the true fix even though it can seem that way. Often true strength comes from learning to release. Not to a Domme but to whatever holds you hostage that hurt you in some way. I know that can be quite the challenge, as I mentioned, it' what I have been trying so hard to do myself.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 04:08 PM
  #27
Maybe you can go back to just doing it with your husband. Did you both enjoy it when it was just you two? I see nothing wrong with whatever you do, if you both enjoy it. It sounds like your husband just draws the line at bringing others in and feels jealous and that is not pleasing to him. Can you forego the others and still have the dom/sub relationship be satisfying to you both?

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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 09:20 PM
  #28
What does hanging up the corset mean for your relationship with your husband?
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Default Jan 15, 2020 at 02:23 PM
  #29
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What does hanging up the corset mean for your relationship with your husband?
I don't know. He's not submissive, so I doubt it matters.

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 08:47 AM
  #30
Final update: After several weeks of standing by my guns, he finally admitted that he was jealous, in a roundabout sort of way. He said there was nothing wrong with jealousy, that it's a normal human emotion.

I simply told him that when jealousy hurts other people, it's WRONG!

Ater that, he just got really quiet, almost as if he was in shock. Then after a couple of hours, he became super affectionate and wanted to help with whatever I needed. Before that I got lots of scowls and the cold shoulder treatment. It's as close to an apology as I'll ever get and I'm okay with that.

Thanks again everyone! I also have a better sense of how the 'vanilla' world views kink. Very interesting. I'm always amazed when people talk about 50 Shades of Grey that they think that's what it's really like. Nothing could be further than the truth.

WW

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 07:27 PM
  #31
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Originally Posted by Werewoman View Post
Yes, you're right, but that's not how this is supposed to work. As a Domme, its my prerogative to take on as many submissives as I like. A submissive cannot tell his/her Domme what they can and cannot do, but he doesn't agree with that. So I am no longer a Domme and it has left a giant hole in my life. Its not like I can just stop being dominant. It's not what I do, its who I am.
I am submissive and live the lifestyle as well...yes the name is an ironic joke....I disagree completely to what you are saying here. As a dominant it is not your prerogative to take as many subs as you wish unless your submissive knew this and agreed to this when you started your dynamic. Changing the dynamic from what was agreed upon initially takes both of you to do.

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 09:38 PM
  #32
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I am submissive and live the lifestyle as well...yes the name is an ironic joke....I disagree completely to what you are saying here. As a dominant it is not your prerogative to take as many subs as you wish unless your submissive knew this and agreed to this when you started your dynamic. Changing the dynamic from what was agreed upon initially takes both of you to do.
I certainly take a submissives input into account when making such decisions, but if I deem something is good for everyone involved I would probably go ahead with it.

He knew for five years that I was grooming to become a Domme. I was even considering doing it professionally. He knew up front in the beginning what I was and what I needed. We had long discussions about this in the very beginning. I saw no reason why he should object. If his objection is strictly out of jealousy and no other reason...yeah, I'm gonna ignore that because there is simply no room in the lifestyle for jealousy. It caught me completely off guard.

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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 12:37 AM
  #33
Well, it appears that I was wrong to want a submissive.
As it stands right now, he is right and I am wrong. I thought he was accusing me of infidelity in spite of no sex. Apparently not now. No matter what I say, it's wrong.

I've given up the lifestyle along with all my friends. Now I have no one but him. So now I will go back to my miserable life where he criticizes and I try to defend myself.

This **** is going to give me a heart attack. My chest hurts all the time from all the tension.

Anyway, just thought I should post. Don't ever want anything unless you ask first, even when you know it' should be okay to have it. Most likely you are wrong.

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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 12:37 PM
  #34
Honestly werewoman, what you really wanted was a sense of control. You have had to be the submissive one probably all your life and you wanted to "fix" that by being this Domme and maybe trying to actually help the person who is submissive instead of the kind of suffering you have endured. You want to figure out how to break the cycle of your own suffering. The submissive entity is actually "you" and you want to find a way to change that. The love? The being in love that you labeled this thread? That's finding a way to love YOU.

Abusers ALL want to prevent that so you end up giving into THEM. That is how they gain a sense of identity. These individuals are not always aware of that. That's what makes them "dysfunctional".

Actually? You are around my age (60's) and that means you grew up in a generation that was very dysfunctional. There is a series called "Mad Men" that actually does a good job at depicting the generation our parents grew up in. Actually, my therapist told me about it and he said that it can be a bit triggering for our generation not always in a bad way, but, it just does a good job showing the generation our parents lived in when they were in their early 30's and parents to us. Truth is, a lot of our generation grew up with similar dysfunction. I ended up watching the first episode that I found through doing a search as I was curious when my therapist told me about it. Yes, I can see what he means, generational messages very different from "now".
Actually werewoman, there was a lot of narcissism in our parent's generation. A LOT of alcoholism too. Your husband is an alcoholic correct? You thought he was a match for you? My guess is more that what you experienced in him was more that it was FAMILIAR. That is what happened to me too. I failed to recognize the familiar that was bad for me. Unfortunately, this is a common mistake many make.

The answer is not becoming a submissive codependent. You actually do deserve to love yourself.
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Default Jan 31, 2020 at 08:56 AM
  #35
You are absolutely correct OE. You've always had such wise council.

You are absolutely right about my reasons for being a Domme. That was obvious to me when I made that choice as well as to my husband. He understood why and seemed supportive. That's why I was so caught off guard when he objected. He is more the type to give me whatever I ask for. I've learned over the years to be careful of that. Lol! What you think you want you don't always, at least once you have it. Being a Domme really appealed to me not just because of the control - though that's part of it - but because most of what you do in a D/s relationship is about compassion and discipline. The submissive, a good one anyway, gives themselves over to their dominant (male - Dom, female- Domme). It's about trust and self control.

The biggest mistake people make when thinking about submissives, males in particular, is that they are weak or somehow a lesser human being. Nothing could be further than the truth. I've seen and had submissives that were from all kinds of high stress professions. Doctors, lawyers, business owners, police officers, firemen, and the list goes on. They all have jobs where they have to be in control 24/7. Submission gives them release. I have yet to come across a submissive who I would consider to be a wimp. I have, however, met dominants that I would consider unworthy of their title because they abuse their power.

Thanks again for your insights.

WW

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Default Jan 31, 2020 at 11:14 AM
  #36
I am not surprised that individuals you talk about can tend to be individuals who actually have very demanding careers. It reminds me of how most people think an alcoholic is a bumb that never did anything or is not educated and is just a loser. Actually, some very intelligent and highly educated and even successful people develop problems with alcohol. This tends to be due to a desire to get a break from all the stress that comes with some of these demanding careers these individuals have. Ernest Hemingway was an extremely intelligent man, and gifted writer, but he had times where he needed some way of getting a break from having to do all the intellectualizing.

Yes, you are correct in how many individuals tend to think a Domme or sadist is what they see in Fifty Shades of Gray. Unfortunately, there is so much sex in that movie one can fail to recognize other important aspects of the psychological dynamics that are also a part of the story. It really isn't about the sex at all, instead it's how this intelligent successful man had no control over what happened to his mother and to himself after his mother died.

Human beings have a hard time when it comes to "control" and sense of personal power and the responsibilities that come with the intelligence and power they have or attain.

When you posted how dishearted you feel now, guess I just have to give up then and bear with the criticisms and control my husband needs to have. Yes, I believe you in that he provides for you, yet there has been something missing for you. It goes all the way back for you too. You know what werewoman? I know how that feels. What you are talking about is actually a kind of therapy. Perhaps it's about helping someone have a chance to let go and give up all this control and responsibility they have that can actually be a burden.

Often that is what someone wants when they go and see a therapist. Often a person doesn't know what to do with the burdens they struggle with. Even therapists can get overburdened and reach out for help too. What many don't even realize is therapists can break down too. After they tend to be expected to have all the answers and they don't have all the answers. Truth is they are practicing and learning too. There is really no point where a person knows all. Truth is we actually learn and grow our entire lives.

Spoiler alert, YES!, there are actually CRAPPY therapists out there too. It's just horrible to sit across from a crappy therapist when you really desperately NEED a therapist to help you too.

I can see how "some" people can benefit from seeing the kind of person you describe wanting to be. Yes, some people really need some kind of release from all the control they are expected to have, the responsibility can become daunting for certain individuals.

I had a heart surgeon bring his three year old daughter to my farm one day. He was trying to spend some quality time with her. However, as I talked to him and learned he was a heart surgeon, it turned out HE had come very deep challenges HE needed someone to talk about with. Now here is a man who holds people very lives in his hands, the responsibility he has is tremendous. Yet, he was struggling and his main struggle was that his mother had breast cancer and she decided to try and fight it and undergo treatment. Unfortunately, he watched his mother's suffering only get prolonged and she died. What he saw made him really question if it was such a good thing to treat people if all it does is prolong suffering like what he witnessed his mother go through. It was clear he was deeply troubled and even feeling some guilt too.

He needed a presence that could take that over. And that's what I helped do for him. I explained to him that he needed to accept that his mother wanted and deserved a chance and that even though the treatment she underwent prolonged her suffering, truth is, SOME women end up going into remission and end up living for many years after undergoing this treatment. His mother deserved to right to at least TRY, even though the outcome for her resulted in more suffering. And then I told him, some people survive and some just don't and it's very hard when some don't especially it's someone we love do dearly. He needed to hear that, to finally give up his need for control and feeling responsible and being full of doubt. He also needed to let that deep challenge out which was not something he seemed to be able to do with his family or even collegues. He may have known that on some level intellectually, but he needed to find his way through it emotionally.

So, you are right in that even those who have high positions and careers, they need to have a way to release and give up control too. Personally, I don't have a corset or a whip and I am not a Domme like what you desribe. However, I can understand how "some" may benefit from that kind of therapy. Personally, I am not looking to control others, I prefer to simply help them find their way to heal and gain control of themselves more.

What I did in my life was important to me, there were things I valued a lot and unfortunately, I experienced too many individuals who considered what I valued was not important because it was not important to them. It has caused me great suffering and as a result I suffer from ptsd that is constantly being triggered to the point where I continue to re-experience a lot of suffering. Unfortunately, it's hard to find others that can see YOU instead of needing to say "what you feel isn't important".

I am pretty sure you know what I mean by that (((werewoman))), as do others in their own personal ways as well.
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 09:55 AM
  #37
Yes I understand exactly what you mean, and thanks again for your insights.

Some people simply find that release through pain. I don't just wale on them recklessly, I consider it to be an honor, where I inflict just enough pain to get their attention, then I back off and resort to more sensual play. What I do is serious business for the people involved.

As for the movies and the books, I have not read nor seen them but I will say this, sex is much more likely to take place when the Dom is male and the submissive is female, but each dynamic is different every time. Never have I done it the same way twice. I have a huge assortment of 'toys' or implements that can generate a multitude of sensations. I love shopping at "Domme Depot". Lol!

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