Falling in love

I should probably explain. I was "in the lifestyle" as we called it. I was a kinkster and a sadist. I was a Domme for a little over 5 years. I never hurt anyone without their consent. I'm mostly into spanking - other people. What can I say? I'm good at it and I think it's great fun. My husband has been my submissive during all that time but I wanted another as well. A 40 year old transgender woman walked into my life and I guess I fell in love with her. That's what he says I did, but that's not how it feels to me.

The relationship between a Domme and her submissive(s) is a complicated one. The submissive gives him/herself completely to their Domme. I control them, help them to become better people, make them feel needed, and generally make sure they are living up to their potential. There are different types of subs. I prefer service subs but some Dommes are sexual with their subs. I never have been because I am married for 27 years. Any man would appreciate having a wife so faithful as I am. Never once have I cheated on him. Ever.

Not good enough. I am not allowed anymore to have any other people in my life as I have tried to enjoy, knowing I'm not doing anything wrong. Unfortunately, his jealousy drove me to tell my friend and potential sub to take a hike. I couldn't take his passive aggressive comments like 'why don't you go live with her' - i just might before all is said and done.

After that, I had to 'hang up my corset' because of the humiliation. A true Domme does not allow anyone else to dictate who she does and does not take on a submissive. THAT'S HER JOB!

I guess what I want to know is, is his jealousy justified? I don't see how if there's no sex involved.

I'm confused, as I always am when I'm learning about these lifestyle choices, because if you took your vows - and discussed your vows- and agreed on your vows with your husband, and those vows included protecting and building on the unity between you and your husband, why wouldn't falling in love with someone outside the marriage be breaking those vows?
Why be married if you are still sticking your toes in other waters?
The lines are really blurred and it sounds like you were having a great time as long as it was going your way. You're completely railroading your relationship off the track because of sex.
You seem really selfish about your ideas of relationship, and like you aren't respecting the way you two had agreed on the way it should be.
If that's the case, as you described, you are just a cheater and should quit the idea that you're being faithful, what you described is not being faithful.

A bit harsh but fair enough. I don't really know why I thought it was a good idea to share my lifestyle choices. It wasn't. Be that as it may, if I have never had sex or even been sexual with someone else, how is that bad? Falling in love is his definition, not mine. I want her as a service submissive, not for sex.

You don't have to understand my lifestyle but I do expect people to respect my choices, as I do theirs.

An alternative lifestyle is not a crime.

It's not a crime, agreed, at the end of the day, it's you over there- dealing with your own life, and I have no idea from outside your post-anything about you. My opinion is based on what you described here, based on my knowledge of relationships, you titled the post falling in love, you described falling in love with someone outside your marriage. I guess I don't have anything to add to this, I will leave it to someone else to argue with you over a dynamic you change the terms for, and you control..but, why did you come here with this story? Are you doing a pitch for your lifestyle? Or do you honestly want feedback?

I am a little confused as well, but it seems from your post that you want an open marriage? Without the sex? You want another sub besides your husband and he doesn't approve? Does he want you all to himself? Marriage is a love contract and a commitment between two people, but sometimes people agree to an open marriage with other people. It seems that's what you want? Is the freedom to have other people but he doesn't? It doesn't sound like a compatible marriage in this case, if you want different things. And you may grow resentful by not having what you truly want?

I honestly want feedback and it was not my intention to confuse anyone. I did not fall in love with the young lady, I don't think, anyway, but she was more than a friend. I never vowed to give up my friends either and she was that, first and foremost.

I'm not so arrogant about my lifestyle and I don't care what people think about it. I expected a bit of kickback, tho. There are those who would tell it's bad and sinful and all sorts of stuff but at the end of the day, that is my choice to make.

Actually, I would characterize my relationship with the transgender woman as closer to parent and child - certainly we were never lovers and never wanted to be.

But you said she was more than a friend, so the lines are blurred. And you called her a potential sub. The way I see it is either you comply with your husband's desires, let it go and be happy with your marriage as it is, or you don't and you divorce so you can have it both ways.

It sounds like your husband got jealous of the attention you gave the other woman. He’s supposed to be the submissive, and you rule the roost, yet he got quite dominant in demanding you end it with the other sub.

The service sub sound like they are a house cleaner who doesn’t get paid? The way you describe how you help them to be better people sounds like you take on the role of strict parent/mentor.

My guess is your husband liked the dom/sub dynamic when it was just you two.

Note to self: never post while undergoing ketamine infusions.

Obviously my relationship with her is complicated. In the lifestyle, jealousy has no place.

This has been an ongoing problem our entire marriage. When he drank, he accused me of cheating all the time, then when I took a special interest in a student of mine, he was jealous. I think if I'm going to stay in this marriage, I need to shut up about my feelings towards others. For what it's worth, I fell in love with him HARD. I knew the day I met him I wanted to marry him. I'm not sorry I did, i just want peace and I will never get it as long as I have any feelings at all about anyone but him. It only took me 27 years to figure that out.

How do you keep jealousy out of it?

I’ve had friends in the lifestyle who tried to bring us in. I told them I couldn’t separate sex and love, so anything casual wouldn’t work for me.

They said they were completely transparent with each other and only did what each other wanted, but that was not the truth when one tried something behind the other’s back.

Huh, well, I am totally clueless about all that lifestyle stuff. Know nothing about it. That said, I know a whole lot about infidelity. I am an expert, being on the victim side of the ledger repeatedly. And what I have learned is that cheating, straying, infidelity--whatever word you wish to use--there are many different kinds of it. For example, if I come home tonight and sneak a look at my GF's phone and find a bunch of steamy texts with some chick I don't know, but they have not (yet) slept together, is that cheating? If I somehow learn that my wife has been secretl texting with an ex, like, a million times, but none of it is overtly sexual, is that cheating? If my wife just gets insanely pissed at me and has a 1-night stand, but never does that every again, is that cheating, or is that just her being a frigging idiot for one night?

I think we all must come to our own personal conclusions about these things. Your husband has his own world construct and you are in it. How he views your relationship is his personal thing. I agree, you should just ask him what his view of marriage, of you two, of you and your relationships with other persons, is. Just get it out. Then, you can decide where you want to land.

I'm straight. Have had a whole bunch of GF's, one 17-year marriage, and one 12-year partnership/non-marriage. Was raised to believe those commitments were forever. What I have learned is that, although I am a Christian and took that general view of marriage (without the dated demeaning of women) for much of my life, my experiences in these relationships have taught me that actually, the Buddhists have the accurate view of relationships/partnerships/marriages. Nothing is forever. There is no such thing. Everything ends. People change. Sh** happens. Folks move on. The era of 65-year marriages, at least in the United States, is in the past. Those were different people with extremely different value sets. Noone today cares about that stuff, not in the US, anyway.

So, in my view, marriage really should not exist for most. Just my take. Noone needs to get married to have kids. And since, more often than not, again, here, anyway, marriages end before one partner dies, why not just view reality accurately. There is no such thing as forever. Maybe in America, in 1957, there used to be. But not anymore. People are all about themselves now.

Clearly your husband doesn't want you spanking anyone else but him and he must see it as a sexual thing and something you only are supposed to do with him.

In the old days, there was a saying "she wears the pants in the family" to describe dominating women who prefer men they can dominate and the men they marry prefer to be dominated and be the submissive partner.

Yes, you're right, but that's not how this is supposed to work. As a Domme, its my prerogative to take on as many submissives as I like. A submissive cannot tell his/her Domme what they can and cannot do, but he doesn't agree with that. So I am no longer a Domme and it has left a giant hole in my life. Its not like I can just stop being dominant. It's not what I do, its who I am.

If you're supposed to protect your sub as your role, wouldn't that mean emotionally too? He is bothered by whatever is going on with you and another woman (you've given mixed and conflicting / contrasting info here in this thread). I'd think it would be your job then to deal with that effectively by either stopping the relationship with this woman, or stopping with him, or somehow, working it out so he is comfortable.

Maybe he and you have different ideas of what it is to be a sub and domme. The thing is, if the domme or dom is the only one who calls the shots, and doesn't have to listen to their partner at all, that seems more abusive to me than a healthy relationship. Of course the sub has thoughts, feelings etc that should be validated and respected.

@WovenGalaxy, Thank you for this post!!! I agree with you that it sounds more abusive and not healthy... I appreciate that you said this. I also agree that the OP either complies with her husband's wishes out of respect for his needs in the relationship, OR she gets out so that she can do as she pleases with as many subs as she wants.

What you are describing is the child that needed to be in charge of "the games" and gets uncomfortable unless that happens. This can take shape when a child grows up with a controlling presence that will even spank them if they don't behave and they must do as they are told. This can also develop when a child grows up where a parent is an alcoholic in that often that child suffered in that they could not control how the parent behaved, hense that child becomes a controlling adult.

Actually, I have experienced teachers that teach because they enjoy "the control" they have when they are teaching. Constantly "directing" and "correcting" brings that individual a sense of control. Often this sense of control fills a hole for the lack of control that individual experienced as a child. There are teachers that are ALWAYS right and you can't talk back, it's simply not allowed. Often an individual will teach something where there is only really one way to know it and you either get it right or you are wrong and that way they have all the answers which gives them the control they like to have. (not all teachers need this kind of dominance). Another place this happens is individuals who become psychiatrists and psychologists that tend to be the dominant presence with their patients.

It sounds like your husband likes to have a presence that is a lot like the "hanging onto mother's apron strings" type. He grew up needing direction and looking for approval for following direction. Your husband sounds like the type that can feel threatened if "his" controlling presence isn't putting all their focus on him. With this new challenge your husband is presenting you, it is threatening your total need for control. When that happens you experience a deep trigger where you feel the vulnerable you HATE to feel. That is most likely the hole you never filled and you protect it by having to possess all the control.

You titled your thread with "Falling in love". From what you have shared it sounds like what you "love" is having the control itself. For you, this isn't even about "sex" either, instead it's about the "control" itself. You thrive on control and if that is threatened, you begin to feel that hole you developed as a child that always made you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. When someone describes "if I don't have this I have a void", this can come from something in one's past that created this void in the first place.

I think it depends what’s more important to you. Being a dom with multiple subs or being married to your husband.

Sounds he doesn’t like what’s going on. So you have a choice. If giving up your life style leaves huge hole in you, then perhaps you have to give up your marriage so you can have more subs.

What’s more important for you?

Personally if my husband had another woman as “more than a friend”, “had feelings for her”, I’d be done with him regardless if he had sex or not. You both have choices.

was this lifestyle something you were both invested in when you met? and if so what were the rules discussed between you two? If this is who you are, did you settle for something else when you married?

It was probably a challenge for you to have this thread in that it puts you in a vulnerable position. Maybe the hole doesn't have to be so giant. Maybe you can compromise with your husband about this. Have you explained to him that it's not this person you love, but the role you play that is what you "love"? What you love is being the person who has complete control.

Actually, I read about you and this became your way of making up for all the control you never experienced as a child? It there a giant hole if you can't have all the power and control? Or is this what compromises your personal sense of total safety?