Troubles with Boyfriend’s daughter

Hello everyone.
Been with my bf for 1.5 years and have known his daughter for a year. We had a great smooth start to the relationship/friendship when I first met her and I always made an effort to bond with her such as doing small activities at his home with her or taking her shopping and buying her something she wanted, driving her to McDonalds to buy her something to eat when she requested and learning how to make soup the way her grandma makes it (because she’s very fussy with food). I have given a lot of myself and even spent money on her when I am only working a meagre casual retail job and don’t receive much money. Initially, she would always run to the door when I came over or hugged me or wanted to be with me. Recently, her behaviour has changed towards me. For example, my bf’s mum bought us all mugs with the first letter of our names on them. While I was sitting down, she took my mug (which was next to her dad’s mug) and put her mug in place of my mug next to her dad’s mug. I asked her why she did this and she said she wanted to be next to dad. My bf and his ex wife have been divorced for 6 years now and she is due to be married again this year. It really hurts me that his daughter acts this way even though I’ve done so many nice things for her. I am a sensitive person, so I take this behaviour personally as a signal that she doesn’t like me being close to her dad, or doesn’t like me at all. What should I do? Should I have a talk with her or just laugh it off??

Some advice would be appreciated a lot! Thank you!!

Hi lowselfesteem92. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are feeling not loved by bfs daughter

There are multiple issues that could be at play. Kids have 2 parents growing up and even after divorce or death these two people are imprinted in their minds. When someone else tries to take the place of one of their parents it can be rough going. Teen years are the worse. Sometimes ages 1-9 the child can be more grateful for having a parent but I felt a shift in the 10-13 year old stage. There was more distance.

Another factor is the daughter often has a fantasy of being dad's favorite. You as the girlfriend are competition. It is a tough place to be in. If it is just symbolic things like the cup, not taking it serious seems fine. If they start to get abusive verbally or otherwise I would talk to bf and see how they feel. If they do not take it seriously, then it could be an uphill battle.

Another way to cope is to cherish the memories of that closeness you once had and be patient until the daughter grows up and possibly outgrows these tendencies. Sometimes the teens find out that being an adult is not as easy as they thought and they need someone they confide in. If you have kept a respectable distance and not seemed like a threat to them, that person might be you.

These may be of interest

The Psychological Impact of Divorce on Adult Children

4 Tips for Helping Children With Abandonment Issues

Parenting after Traumatic Events: Ways to Support Children

CANDC
thank you for your helpful, detailed reply. It made me feel better. You are right. All the possibilities you suggested in your reply are probably the cause of this behaviour. This is my second serious relationship (my first being my marriage which ended in Divorce last year) so when the relationship involves a child from another marriage, it is very new to me and I am still learning. Unfortunately, I had very high expectations at the start which has always been my mistake. Right now, I dont really like to hang out with the bf’s daughter as much. I think giving her some space is best. I also don’t want to give too much of myself (as I once did when I first met her). Is it a bad thing if i don’t look forward to visiting my boyfriend as much when his daughter is there compared to when she’s not there?

Rasita.

Hi there,

It could also be the daughters way of figuring out the power dynamics going forward. If you are going to give in to all her requests and do everything she wants (at the detriment of your finances) that little girl will learn how to manipulate you. Even if you are not her biological mother, you are still (to some extent) a mother figure to her. So it’s important you establish your rightful place in your bfs life by not accepting bad behaviour from her. Call it out in a non-aggressive non-judgemental manner. Let her see how her behaviour is making you feel and how you do not deserve to feel sidelined in this trio. You love her and you love her father and you would never try to take him away. I don’t suggest you let the little girl dictate the rules of engagement between you because it will leave you playing a victim to the many games children play. You deserve her respect. Make that known, be firm but with love. It would be great if your bf is also involved in this discussion so that she can see that she cannot divide the two of you. It is the 3 musketeers and everyone deserves to be seen and loved in this trio.

All the best! Blessings.

I tend to err on the side of kids in a situation like this. Think about it for a minute: Divorce is horrible for kids so she's been through that. She seems to have adjusted to you in the past but now her mom is going to get married. When parents divorce one of the major issues that happens with kids is their feeling of lack of stability. They fear being abandoned in the process, are confused by having to live with only one parent and even more confused when their parents love someone else. Parents make up the entire world for their kids. She is probably afraid that her mom will love her less or have less time, that her mom's BF doesnt like her, or that her dad will leave her, forget about her or make you his only priority. And she doesnt know how to vocalize these fears. It doesnt matter if those things would never happen or that the partners in each relationship are good and stable. To a child these things are very real fears. I know you say it upsets you but try to look at things from her perspective and not take it personally.

You guys thank you soooooo much. I alway feel slightly more positive after reading this forum. It’s difficult, but you are so right with seeing things from her perspective. I grew up with both my parents so I feel very privileged that my childhood was always positive. And since I have never experienced a one parent household, I can only imagine it which makes it challenging to fully understand her.

Some
Behaviours today were quite hurtful to me today. She is going through some family issues, but she avoids me. She messaged me to ask when I’m coming because she has a few things to do. Now I realise she just wanted to know when I would be over at their house so that she can make herself scarce in an effort to avoid me. It’s hurtful! She ignored me and when I tried to make conversation(she clearly didn’t want to talk but I guess I pushed too hard) she went to her grandma and whispered about me and something about her not having to talk when she doesn’t want to. It’s hurtful, because all the nice things I did for her is clearly unappreciated. Not only that, I’ve only ever been kind and loving to her so why the need to avoid me, ignore me and give me dirty looks?? Also, she greets her dad and her grandma but doesn’t greet me. I know I’m an outsider but why am I being treated so harshly when I’ve only ever been open, honest and friendly??

You don't say how old she is. I suspect that something is going on with her that really has little if anything to do with you.
You don't say if you've spoken to her dad or her about your feelings---depending on the relationship and her age, it would be good to at least let her know (from dad or you, or both) that your feelings are hurt. I wouldn't bring up what you've done for her, kids often feel, when adults do that, that the "ungrateful" card is being played; hopefully you did what you did for her without expecting something in return.
Expect changes as children grow.((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))

How old is his daughter? If she is old enough, I wonder if having an honest conversation directly with her would help? Depending on how old she is?

It does seem like she is having some struggles with accepting dad's new girlfriend being around. She may feel in competition for dad's attention with you, like suggested above, and she may fear or worry that you are trying to take her mother's place.

It's a very difficult position to be in, after a couple divorces and when you're interacting with and trying to have a relationship with a child of that divorce. There's so many different emotions involved for that child. It's very hard on a child, especially when they're young.

It may even be better if her father, your bf, has a conversation with his daughter, and maybe that's more appropriate. He could explain that you're not taking the place of her mother, that you are special and important to him, but that she herself, is also most important to him... in fact, it may help MORE if HE talks to his daughter.

Can you ask him to do that?

Thanks guys! You are all so lovely and thoughtful!!! She is 10 turning 11 this year! I don’t want him to talk to her because I believe if she and I have an issue then we should be able to sort it out instead of involving him. She told me she pretended to like his ex gf and didn’t tell her dad how she felt. So one of my fears is that she will pretend to like me instead of telling me directly. I also don’t want to bother her dad or put extra pressure on him. He’s been so lovely and accommodating and really puts me above her at times so I am very appreciative. And definitely not, I did not remind her all the things I’ve done for her because I completely know where that’s going to lead and it’s not fair to make a child feel that way. I have also told her I’m not here to steal her dad from away and that she is his number 1. And I do inclusive things with them like playing uno to make sure the three of us are spending time together. You

@lowselfesteem92, I personally think it’s your boyfriend’s place and responsibility in your relationship with him and with his daughter to speak with her directly about this. Why should you be alone with this issue? It’s bothering and upsetting you.. why can’t you be open with your bf about it and include him?

He’s the one inviting you into his life with his daughter. Therefore I see the responsibility being his, since he is the one common thread between the three of you.

He also has greater clout with his daughter than you do and can probably help turn around her perspective far more effectively than you can.

Are you afraid to bring this issue up to your bf? If the relationship is good, why wouldn’t you? Why do you think it would be a burden? It's in fact both your burdens, yours and his. Like I said, he’s invited you into his daughter’s life, so I believe it’s his responsibility to talk to his daughter about this.

I don't see why you have to be alone with all of this, when it's your bf's daughter, not yours.

I have brought it up with him but am reluctant to get him involved as he has some bigger issues of his own right now and don’t really want to be a burden. Also, I did bring it up with him and he did advise just to be myself. When it comes to his daughter, I think we both agreed that if her and I had an issue, we would resolve it the two of us and not involve him. But if I feel like it becomes necessary do include him, I definitely will! Thank you for your support

I think he's putting TOO much of the burden on YOU, when you are not his daughter's mother, you are not married, and you are not co-parenting.

It's his daughter who is acting out and who is having problems with you. I don't think that is your burden to own all by yourself.

He's asking you to take on a co-parenting role, when you are simply a girlfriend. That is not fair and it's putting FAR too much of the burden all on you to resolve his daughter's behavioral issues over a divorce and a new gf.

It's not that simple. That's why I say it's HIS responsibility. He's the parent, he got divorced, he should be dealing with his daughter's issues himself as the SOLO parent in this equation.

It's a shame to me... you are left struggling with this all by yourself, and are trying to resolve it all by yourself. That makes me feel very sad for you.

To me it isn’t reasonable to expect a ten-year-old to handle such an emotionally fraught situation on her own.

I think @Have Hope has a point. She is too young to negotiate a relationship problem with you. And she is at an age when lots is beginning to change---the way the world is understood, the growing ability to think in abstract terms, hormonal changes, etc.
Also think you may be over-thinking the relationship with her---
Do talk to your bf about how you feel but I'm feeling, rightly or wrongly, that you want something from her that she cannot give, and that your giving while nice is not without an unspoken expectation of thanks/liking you. (can't remember if you said but does she have a relationship with her mother?) I'm thinking you need to own the feelings you have and respect hers.

I think you might want to focus on your relationship with him. Let the daughter be. She is young, vulnerable and needs to know her feelings are respected and acknowledged. It isn't a matter of right or wrong. You are asking too much of her. Her feelings are as valid as your own but you are an adult and hopefully able to be supportive rather than pushing the issue. Sorry, I just really feel for kids who are pulled into problems an adult is experiencing. She hasn't done anything wrong from what you say. And I am sure she could, if pressed, come up with complaints about your behavior. (eg: she may feel you are trying to "buy" her respect/liking rather than accepting her and being an available, trusted adult, trying to turn her dad against her etc---it doesn't mean you are doing these things but she could easily at her age interpret your behavior that way "I've been nice so you Have to Like me"----kids at this age are extremely sensitive to non verbal communications...)----

Where is her mother in this? Is she available? Alive? Involved? Not?