Great Dad - Unhappy Husband

My wife and I have been married for 12+ years, together for a total of 16. Two amazing kids, ages 6 and 8. We very rarely fight, can't think of any significant parenting or financial conflicts, but we also never have the hard discussions and walk around a lot of the times on eggshells around each other. From my perspective the magic is gone. We haven't been intimate in a year and a half and even before that it was once or twice a year at most. For me, it isn't a medical issue because I am attracted to other women and fantasize about them, but have never crossed a line. The other day I told her sometimes I feel that we have stayed married only because we love our kids.

We agreed that we should go to therapy but I don't know what I want to get out of it. I'm unhappy and do not feel physically attracted to her anymore (she stays in shape but just isn't my physical type anymore). I'm no great catch or anything and am not necessarily looking for someone "better" but I am feeling the urge for something different.

As I type this I'm not exactly sure what the question I'm asking is or what kind of advice I'm looking for. I'm not a bad guy and can't stomach the idea of telling her I'm not physically attracted to her anymore and despite that I love our family unit, I am unhappy in general with our marriage.

I've been thinking about things too much lately and honestly if she told me she was interested in separating, I don't think I'd have a problem with it. I'm afraid what it would do to the kids but my selfish reaction would be, "ok, let's figure that out.."

Thanks in advance for any thoughts, whatever they may be.

Your dealing with something alot of married people go through.

You don’t mention how you feel about your career.. are you happy /content or has your unhappiness worked its way into that also?

Walking on egg shells ? What kind of feelings are you having when your doing that or is that just a constant now. Is it possible that both of you as time has passed have built up
Resentment about each other?

Is there a reason intimacy stopped ? Was it a sudden thing or just over time?

When have you last had a complete physical exam with full lab work ? If it hasn’t been recent it would be wise to do so, sometimes thyroid, hormones or low testosterone can be part of the problem.

What about the possibility of you having depression? Or her ?

As for your not finding her physically attractive when you see other women are they younger or maybe older? Or dress differently , whatever catches your eye?

I honestly would rule out any possible physical problems , and talk to your Doctor about the possibility of having depression, it’s common for men to deal with long bouts of depression and not even think it could be possible.

I do also think couples counseling is worth a try, if it does come down to you both are just not happy then by staying in counseling it can help you both work together to make separation and divorce at least easier, yes divorce is tough on a husband and wife but also kids but the better you both manage through it the better for everyone.

I think it would also be wise to have your own Therapist so you can process what’s going on with your thoughts and hopes for the future.

Good luck

Oh dear... I honestly cannot imagine not having physical intimacy anymore in a marriage, or even only 1-2 times per year! I understand how intimacy can wane in a marriage after a while. But my opinion is that if you are not physically attracted to her anymore and there is zero intimacy, what's the point of therapy and of staying together? It honestly sounds like it's pretty much over. A marriage in my opinion is not just to co-exist in a house together. A marriage should involve attraction and intimacy. In therapy, you'll only discover that it cannot work anymore. Sounds like you're ready for something else. And if you're walking on eggshells? That must mean you're not addressing the elephant in the room. No sex, no attraction..... I would skip on the therapy and think about separation. That's just my own opinion of course!

Thank you both for the thoughtful advice, much appreciated. I promise, it isn't a medical issue but it's just that I don't feel any excitement or magic for the marriage anymore and that's a very selfish feeling of mine since she is a great woman and even better mother to our kids. When I first brought up a couple weeks ago that I wasn't feeling great about "us" she seemed legitimately shocked which surprised me. I assumed we both were relatively unhappy in the marriage but were holding on because we are great parents and love our family unit.

So now I am just thinking even more selfishly (I know woe is me, I'm a big boy, I should be able to handle it).

Hello UnhappyDad: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I don't know as there is a lot I can tell you with regard to your relationship concerns. I'm 71. And there has been no intimacy in my marital relationship literally in decades. (It's a long story.) Plus, growing up, that's simply the way any marital relationships I was aware of were.

I had an uncle who used to say his wife was "dead from the arse both ways!" My father often, over the years, complained bitterly (in my presence) about my mother's lack of interest in physical intimacy. So, at least to me, what you describe is simply the way marriages go over time. But, of course, times change & peoples' expectations change as well.

You mentioned the idea of therapy but noted you don't know what you want to get out of it. Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of couples / marriage counseling:

Couples and Marriage Counseling

7 Reasons to Seek Marriage Counseling

15 Goals of Couples Therapy

How to Prepare for Couples Therapy

3 Skills Taught in Couples Therapy That All Couples Can Benefit From

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-comm...uples-therapy/

One thing you didn't mention in your post was your age. However I thought I would also include these 3 links to articles on the subject of the male mid-life crisis plus one on depression in men:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-mal...-crisis/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-m...actical-guide/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/midlife...-and-families/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-dep...sters-for-men/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thanks. I'm 41. What I want to get out of the therapy is a great question and one that I need to think about before we go in there I guess. Selfishly, part of me wants it to be a "safe space" where the two of us realize things aren't working and we come to a joint conclusion that maybe it is time to move on. Of course, how could I do that to my kids...I can't.

It’s a pity, isn’t it? The idilic situation would be romantic love exist forever and ever, especially when there are kids to rise. One always want the best environment for the kids.
Many times, each member of a couple evolve in opposite ways, have different needs or we don’t feel the same as before. We can’t force feelings, not even doing the best therapy in the world.
I understand you and your worry about your kids but you have to take into account your needs also. Think that you could be even a greater parent if you feel good with yourself. It’s something you are gonna project in them as well.
I know it’s very sad when a loving relationship ends up but you have to think in the best option for everyone, including you and your spouse.

It’s good that you can talked to her and she could know what you feel because it gives her also the possibility to take her own choices.

You and she will have to make decisions. What kind of relation is worthy for her and what’s for you.

I'm not an expert, but if you're not happy, sooner or later, with or without counseling or therapy, most likely your relationship will end.
Right now, as it is: it's done. You're not attracted to her and you're not liking that fact, it's making you unhappy.
I'm guessing you know that passion/attraction fades naturally after sometime, so even if one day you find someone more your type and things go well, you may end up feeling the same lack of desire after some years.

What would make you change your mind about your relationship?

What about you? Are you who you want to be, with or without her? Did you stagnated personally? Are you doing everything you can to be your best you? Or you pretty much go home, watch tv, and do what needs to be done to satisfy your family's basic needs?
I say this because, sometimes, we rely on others to make us feel or be who we want to be and when they don't we think they are not adequate.

But if you look at her and really don't feel like that is the life you want, if you are unhappy, if that to you is important...it's pretty much over.
And if you think you're bad or you're breaking a higher law if you leave, careful, you can feel trapped and that can lead to depression.

I've been there.
True, you're a man, I'm a woman, we don't think the same way. You have kids, I don't.

But I too lived 12 years with my (now ex - thank you universe) boyfriend, and for many many years I wasn't happy with him.

He wasn't my type of man, personality wise and physically. But in the first 2-3 years of our relationship he filled my needs and desires - I was coming out of a relationship where we fought all the time - and then this guy was so quiet, we thought alike, everything was peaceful and I was ok with his face and body. I don't usually end up with the hottest, so...

But life happened, time passed, passion inevitably faded and this guy was just not my type. I was strong, sociable, he was avoidant, introvert. I still appreciate many things that came from that relationship, but he was not right for me (and not good for me, either). And I was probably not right or good for him. As he ended up concluding. Yes, he.

He was mean to me sometimes, he was controlling and emotionally blackmailed me a lot. "If you did this is because you don't love me" kind of blackmail. It was extremely boring, very unfulfilling intellectually and physically and on weekends very stressful and we did fought a lot, he just couldn't remember the next day...
I stayed with him more 9 years.

In my mind, I had to be strong and save the relationship. Long story short: he gave me a huge depression like I never thought I could have. I spent 8 years of my life destroying myself, my social life, my connection to the world, and my sanity to save the relationship, to make him feel happy and loved.

In the end...He had a sort of midlife crisis and did everything he could so I break up with him, which is really childish. One day, I had enough of that *** and broke up with him

It was hard after that. Now I don't hate him, but I can't stand him. He basically destroyed 10 years of my life that were very hard and painful to rebuild afterwards.

So, if it was not working after the first 3 years ---I should have left right there. But I couldn't. Because I was attached to the relationship, trapped in the emotions, and feeling horrible for being the one to destroy a relationship and his feelings and my feelings.

I commend you for coming to the PC community with your dilemma. You will find PC to be full of a supportive community of members, in addition to a fountain of resources regarding articles and blogs of advice from counseling professionals.

The fact that you've thought about your marriage at all and its future, is such a huge step towards healing for you personally and for your relationship with your wife. It shows that you want what's best for everyone. Many people just skip the introspection, therapy, and communication with their spouse and go directly to divorce. So, I think it's a positive sign that you have thought about this and discussed it with your wife. It shows that your marriage is built on a foundation of trust and respect for each other. That's a great start!

I would suggest that you read up on the articles available about your dilemma on PC. Hopefully you'll find some helpful guidelines or suggestions.