Coercive control

AzulOscuro · Jan 11, 2020 at 03:48 PM

Love is the opposite of control. When someone wants to control what you have to think, what you have to believe, what you have to wear, every aspect in your life, insults you, think the worst from you without basement, just because it’s in his head, doesn’t love you or respect you.
There’s no a space for understanding and communication. You are the guilty one, the evil...no matter what you can say. It’s only a solo on his part. A solo that on one side makes you feel very tiny, frustrated and on another side, you little by little, end up feeling in the opposite pole, so far and detached.

bpcyclist · Jan 12, 2020 at 04:05 AM

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. How can we best support you in this?

AzulOscuro · Jan 12, 2020 at 07:28 AM

This is the first time I share openly about this matter with someone. I commented a little details with a psychologist some years ago and I got shocked when I heard from her that it was emotional abuse.
I always knew something wasn’t ok and we even went to couple therapy but he didn’t do the work proposed by the therapist.
I admit that most of the time I put the blamed more onto myself because of my psychological issues and because I’m very sensitive and not a very easy going person. So, somehow I put this topic apart and didn’t feel strong to face to it. Now, I feel stronger and I wouldn’t like to worry anyone else because I have social support from my family. I’m not alone but still I haven’t taken a decision or talked to anybody around me about this topic. I don’t want to worry or get anybody else involve since I’m not physically afraid. He’s not physically abuser, at least with me. He has broken some stuff and I hate it. He’s mainly emotional controlling. So, I’m the one who has to give the steps. I think I’m capable of doing it.

Vanaheimr · Jan 16, 2020 at 02:35 PM

Controlling people especially in long term relationships are self-centered, they don't care about the feeling or the opinion of the other controlled part, it looks like, do it, don't do this, no,no....it makes u feel like your role and ur right of expressing yourself, ur skills ur language even ur voice are all confiscated or they all became pointless, like your weight in the space! No gravity!
U live independent life if you're in constant close proximity to them. Controlling behavior limits your skills, enchaining ur feet,...
Controlling and love are two separated ways, controlling a person, means dominating him\her denying him\her from rights and frombeing him\herself.
Controlling includes constant criticism, automatically this would reduce your self confidence.
I'm glad that got closer to ur family.

AzulOscuro · Jan 16, 2020 at 04:45 PM

Another way of controlling is to try to isolated you from your family. Creating discomfort between you and them. And this, nobody else is gonna get it anymore. I can assure it now.

Vanaheimr · Jan 16, 2020 at 06:41 PM

The last way of controlling that u just have mentioned, it has gone further than any sort of controlling, and it has gone beyond the typical mental abuse that we all know!
This is villain and malicious and manifesting big selfishness,
Isolating u from ur family and creating discomfort between u and them, it is like cutting the last tiny line of getting help from the outside world!
Like tearing down the last bridge of help and support, cutting any incoming supplies to stave to death, in order to only be in need for him!!
This is not controlling this is an obvious colonization!

AzulOscuro · Jan 16, 2020 at 07:07 PM

I know it. Because of my issues: Lack of confidence, doubts about my worthiness...I also tend to see myself in a second place so it was no difficult for me to be confused and have doubts about if I meant something to my relatives. But, I’m awake now.

Vanaheimr · Jan 16, 2020 at 07:24 PM

The bright side in the story that u are awake, before it is too late.

Fuzzybear · Jan 18, 2020 at 10:22 PM

AzulOscuro · Jan 19, 2020 at 04:51 PM

Thank you, fuzzy!

Have Hope · Jan 19, 2020 at 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Love is the opposite of control. When someone wants to control what you have to think, what you have to believe, what you have to wear, every aspect in your life, insults you, think the worst from you without basement, just because it’s in his head, doesn’t love you or respect you.
There’s no a space for understanding and communication. You are the guilty one, the evil...no matter what you can say. It’s only a solo on his part. A solo that on one side makes you feel very tiny, frustrated and on another side, you little by little, end up feeling in the opposite pole, so far and detached.

Oh dear. Either you stand up for yourself and protect your rights to be your own person, with your own voice and a right to your own choices and independence, or you eventually die slowly bit by bit until nothing is left of you.

AzulOscuro · Jan 19, 2020 at 06:09 PM

I’m glad that I’m aware of it.
Thank. you.

Have Hope · Jan 19, 2020 at 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I’m glad that I’m aware of it.
Thank. you.

Hey, awareness is a beautiful first step!!!!

AzulOscuro · Jan 19, 2020 at 06:22 PM

Agree. Awareness it’s already the first and most important step. Because only from it you can begin to built.
Thanks :-)

Have Hope · Jan 20, 2020 at 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Agree. Awareness it’s already the first and most important step. Because only from it you can begin to built.
Thanks :-)

Hugs to you.

AzulOscuro · Jan 21, 2020 at 06:19 AM

Thanks to you for the good vibes.

Fuzzybear · Jan 24, 2020 at 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Love is the opposite of control. When someone wants to control what you have to think, what you have to believe, what you have to wear, every aspect in your life, insults you, think the worst from you without basement, just because it’s in his head, doesn’t love you or respect you.
There’s no a space for understanding and communication. You are the guilty one, the evil...no matter what you can say. It’s only a solo on his part. A solo that on one side makes you feel very tiny, frustrated and on another side, you little by little, end up feeling in the opposite pole, so far and detached.

Love is the opposite of control. I completely agree. This person makes me feel very grrrr on your behalf.

As you say, its only a solo on their part. There is no space for understanding and communication.
''They'' are, apparently, never guilty.

I think detaching from this person would be wise.

AzulOscuro · Jan 26, 2020 at 10:07 PM

At least, there’s one thing I have very clear now. You are not gonna convince this person to change his behaviour unless this person wants to change by himself.

I have been for so many years hitting my head on a wall and blaming myself for being how I am, you know, my psychological issues along with too much sensitivity, not an easy-going person at all, that I believed maybe it was all my fault and hesitated when I gave a step forward to stand up for myself.
As American people say, “it takes two to tango”.

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Coercive control

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bpcyclist Legendary Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Portland Posts: 12,681 (SuperPoster!) 4 40.2k hugs given	Jan 12, 2020 at 04:05 AM #2 This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. How can we best support you in this? __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
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Vanaheimr Member Member Since Dec 2019 Location: My land floats somewhere higher in the Sky. Posts: 106 4 97 hugs given	Jan 16, 2020 at 07:24 PM #8 The bright side in the story that u are awake, before it is too late.
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Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,325 (SuperPoster!) 21 81.2k hugs given	Jan 18, 2020 at 10:22 PM #9 __________________
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AzulOscuro Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2014 Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!) Posts: 3,825 9 1,758 hugs given	Jan 19, 2020 at 04:51 PM #10 Thank you, fuzzy! __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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AzulOscuro Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2014 Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!) Posts: 3,825 9 1,758 hugs given	Jan 19, 2020 at 06:09 PM #12 I’m glad that I’m aware of it. Thank. you. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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AzulOscuro Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2014 Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!) Posts: 3,825 9 1,758 hugs given	Jan 19, 2020 at 06:22 PM #14 Agree. Awareness it’s already the first and most important step. Because only from it you can begin to built. Thanks :-) __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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AzulOscuro Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2014 Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!) Posts: 3,825 9 1,758 hugs given	Jan 21, 2020 at 06:19 AM #16 Thanks to you for the good vibes. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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