Want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't exist...

This is going to be a weird post. It's something I've dealt with for a long time.

I'm a very creative person, I'm into art and writing, and so I've always created characters for my stories and whatnot. You see where this is going probably.

I've had a character for about eight years that has developed and changed so much that they are very good, and very realistic, and I wish desperately she was real. It hurts. I know how lonely this sounds. I'm working on a series right now and become very immersed while I'm writing, and when I come back to real life I'm really frustrated that she isn't real, because in my mind she is so vivid and 'there'. No, I'm not crazy or seeing or hearing things--she is just such a realistic character to me that she may as well step out of my brain and live her own life.

Anyways, I am really attached to the character, to the point where if I think about it too hard I start to feel a hole in my life. I know this is unhealthy. It's not always this bad, for a few years I was better, but lately it's bad again.

I should also mention that I would almost class myself as a maladaptive daydreamer. When i was younger I used to lay in bed for hours and hours just daydreaming. Now I do this while running/exercising, so at least it's a little healthier (hah), but barely.

I think, what I really need or want is a strong connection with someone. When I have a person like that in my life this eases, I know it's a coping mechanism. It's just hard right now. I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't know if this is the right forum, I'm putting it here because I wish I could have a relationship with someone just like her, and because it's something that comes and goes with my real relationships.

Thanks for reading this garbage fire haha.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. In a sense its a very sweet story. But its causing you pain, especially when you over focus on it, and you feel a hole in your life, and you want real connection. These are all thing that make sense.

Are you in therapy? It could help you with everything you're talking about.

Do you work / go to school? What do you do with your time besides write (and daydream)?

Are you looking for advice here on how to change and get what you want (closeness, connection w real people)? You didn't specifically say anything in question form in your OP.

Hey there thanks for the reply haha, does ur sound sweet? I was so afraid to post this because I’m afraid it makes me seem crazy. It reminds me of when I was a little kid and was sad that characters from my favorite video games weren’t real...

I’m not in therapy—working on that! I am a full time student and have been working part time as well this past semester. I’ve decided to focus on school because this is my final semester, so I just left my job. My biggest hobby outside of creative stuff is exercise, for sure. I run most days of the week and try to get into the gym to lift a few days too.

I guess I was wondering how insane/weird this is... I do ok at creating deep connections with people but I rarely meet people who are willing to make deep connections, and I guess that makes me very lonely. My girlfriend is not really a ‘deep diver’ and while I love her it makes me feel alone. I have two friends that are also like this which is helpful, but one is a bit immature and hard to relate to sometimes, and the other is kind of unstable. Not like I don’t have my own downfalls!

I think, at the heart of it, I’m looking for an adult connection that’s similar to the one I had with my mother—I was an only child and she was a single parent, so that’s made out bond really intense and difficult to find elsewhere in other contexts. Not that I’m looking for a mother, but a relationship of that kind of depth/intensity. Does that make sense? And I can’t find it.

Double kudos to you for posting while feeling vulnerable and nervous then!

You sound busy. I was just wondering if the reason you were struggling was bc you had to much time on your hands.

Is your Mom not in your life anymore? I'm sorry to hear that.

When you're not so focused in school, try therapy. It could help. Connection, deep connection, can be hard to come by, and its not perfect when you have it. Relationships aren't perfect, come with conflict that we need to problem solve....

I sometimes, and this is new for me, say to myself what I LIKE about a person or social situation I struggle with. You could try that about all your relationships and connections. Write it down if you want in a journal. Just a suggestion bc it appears you're searching and striving for what will never be (perfection). What about connecting with yourself as well? I think a good therapist could probably help better than, say, me. I'm happy to try though! Also I wonder, since this character is making you happy but also deeply sad, I wonder if taking a break from her would help? What do you think?

No I don't think you sound crazy. To me, its rather unique sounding, yes. But you mentioned something about possible maladaptive daydreaming, and maybe you're onto something.

My dream woman is the protagonist's love interest in my novel. She has every quality I could ever hope for in a partner. Smart, strong, funny, loyal, fierce, good at what she does, devoted. Cunning. On and on. She does not exist. I have never found an actual woman who satisfies this archetype.

But when I need to feel good about women again, I just go and read my book. It always provides an escape and I always feel better imagining what it would be like if Rory Halsted really existed.

@SoSorry7735 Wow. So very Johnny Depp a la his movie "Secret Window." I'm teasing. I think we all have archetypes (thanks bpcyclist) of our ideal romantic partner.

My ideal archetype is The Magician as described here.

Also just want to say I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you are SoSorry. I was coming from a place of "if it bothers you and makes you feel bad." I'm glad other posters Blanche and bpcyclist are able to relate. I myself can relate but its more in a dysfunctuinal way, ie I haven't met him in real life so I'm sad about it. I don't write my own characters. I do feel sad about being lonely / disconnected though! I particularly used to feel romantic loneliness a lot.

My mom is still in my life! I live with her since I'm finishing college I didn't mean for that to sound somber hahah, I more meant that I'm looking for a relationship of that kind of depth but with someone else, as an adult.

I could totally try writing down the positive sides of my relationships. I hope I don't sound ungrateful for the people I do have in my life, I'm just feeling some kind of hole in my life right now. And yes, I probably should force myself to think of other things when my mind floats away--so hard though.

And thanks for not thinking I'm crazy

I see what you're saying. I have met someone strikingly similar to her though! Very annoying, because our age gap was a bit too big. It seems like I'm attracted to several qualities in a person when they're together, maybe it's just a 'type'? Not sure.

Haha what's the movie about? I tried reading the plot on wiki but I don't know if I understand.

@SoSorry7735 you need to see this movie. It's SO GOOD!

I can't tell you the plot or it would spoil the movie for you. I bet you'd enjoy it, as you are a creative person.

Heheh okay, do you know if its on netflix or hulu?

It's on Crackle (free), Vudu, Amazon Prime, YouTube, Google Play, iTunes.

Actually, this is normal and there are so many ways this creative desire comes out. Children often have an imaginary friend or playmate and often as a child grows and experiences other children and even adults, they try to resolve the things they don't like by playing it out in their mind with the imaginary comforting made up persona.

Actually SoSorry, many of the individuals that write and come up with different characters in their books/novels are for the most part sharing their ideas about how they interpret different challenges and people during their childhood and lives. What would a perfect heroine be like, how would she react to different challenges, what would she look like. How can we love what she is even. The mind is pretty amazing in that it can be so incredibly creative. We get to see this all the time in so many books, movies, plays, musicals.

When people began creating movies, they began putting together characters that actually had quite an impact on humanity. And while writing and acting out stories always had an impact, on film people got to see actual characters where they could observe so many emotions and facial expressions and what someone looked like, dressed like, how they lived.

One of the big classics is the movie "Gone with the Wind". Just recently I watched a documentary about all the effort that went into making that movie. After seeing all that went into the final product I have so much more respect for that movie and the individuals that put so much into creating it and many things done at that time could not be done today either. The individuals that put that movie together were constantly challenged with writing things out and then putting it together into scenes. At different points there were arguments and breakdowns and it's amazing that movie ever got finished. There was no Tara in real life either, but you would never know that by watching the movie. It's absolutely incredible how much creativity went into that movie. It's a tribute to how much a mind can create, especially without all the technology that exists today. Most of the people involved with that movie are gone, but all the work and time these individuals put into that movie continues to be enjoyed and appreciated.

I think about how, if I was able to be exposed to that world, I may very well have chosen to be part of creating a piece of work like that on some level. It's not bad to daydream, yet, what a person should be exposed to is how people take their day dreams and actually create. While you can never create an actual woman like what you imagine, you can most definitely create her essence in a story. This can serve to teach so many women what is possible, an inspiration. The creative mind within a person can most definitely INSPIRE.

Can totally relate to your comments. Personally, I think it's a sign of having a creative/active mind that is compensating for those close to you who don't have this ability or share your interests.

After losing my job four years ago and so many applications being rejected, I had the idea of writing a novel based on one of my interests. Although still unpublished after several edits, one spread into two. As subject covers two generations, a young man and an older one in the same job, I've become "close" to the latter character. Had thought of killing him off, but can't do it so introduced an accident instead. Of course, both novels have a happy ending!

Perhaps I'm now more alert to other people, family or just those I meet whilst shopping, but so much of what I've written is real. It could be construed that I wish my life was more like my second novel and in a way I think that's right. In fact there's probably two more with the same characters. Bit like Barbara Taylor Bradford, if you're familiar with her storylines.

Now to find a publisher who isn't going to fleece me!!!!

The best movies, books, etc come from the imagination and inspire deep connection. That you are creating something you are so attached to means that, as Open Eyes has said, you may be creating something that could be deeply inspiring. You say you are a writer. Are you planning on turning this character into a book or screen play? The best books and movies describe both our emotional highs and lows. Gone With the Wind is one of my all time favorite books. Scarlet was a woman who had so much going for her but never appreciated what she had. She had found a successful man of equal intelligence who loved her as she was but lost him because nothing he did for her was ever enough. She was lucky enough to share many struggles with the most loving friend (Melanie) a person could ever hope to find. Unlike Rhett, Melanie put Scarlett on a pedestal in some ways but she was always loyal to Scarlet who paid her kindness back by pursuing Melanie's husband. All three of these character's (Scarlet, Rhett, and Melanie) have some idealized characteristics--that is what good writing, poem's etc are to me--but they also have an "Achille's Heal". You know from the beginning of the book that Scarlett is creating bad karma and she does. The way the book ends makes so much sense to me.

Try not to think of your daydreaming as maladaptive. Eventually, daydreamers can harvest their dreams into a wonderful reality. Steve Jobs dreamed about creating a more user friendly computer. J R R Tolkien daydreamed about an entire other world and invented an entire imaginary language while having nothing to do but daydream while stuck behind in trenches during World I--trenches which undoubtedly inspired the his depiction of what evil is but, like the stories in the myths, Bible, etc--it was a story of what true love is and overcoming evil.

So, I want to say that it is no hurry, please don't pressure yourself, but I think your "maladaptive" daydreams will eventually help you achieve things in this life. Just remember to (we have to do what we have to do) also take some time to do the things you must get done from day to day. However, never stop daydreaming!

Daydreaming Makes You Successful: So What Are You Waiting for?

Yea that movie is really good.

Just a thought and I might sound like a huge d*** for suggesting this, but -

What if you killed her off?

I mean she would not exist anymore and you could be free of the bonds she has you tied to.