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Old 01-16-2020, 08:52 AM   #31
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Default Re: Friend's extremely angry reaction to coworker dating someone else

Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @rdgrad15

How good of a friend is this person? Are you also a coworker or is this friend working somewhere else and you are just listening to their issues?

I urge you to use caution in this relationship. People that are vindictive and hold grudges to the extreme are often not that far away from being vindictive or grudge holding with their friends. I do not mean to insult you on your choice of friends or anything its just that vindictive people are often vindictive across the board depending on the situation of course.

I also urge you not to try and diagnose your friend (not that you are) or liken the issues to mental illness. As someone with bipolar I can tell you that being vindictive is not a symptom. I also have adhd and being vindictive and holding grudges is also not a symptom.

TBH I think you are in a dangerous position. First, I do not believe it is your job to calm her down or solve the issue. I think it puts you in a spot of being the target of her vindictiveness when your advice isnt good enough or if she feels you are not loyal. I can see her turning on you and hurting you by lashing out. She seems like someone who could see you as disloyal if you do not agree with her or give her advice she doesnt like. How close are you with this person?

So she agreed to be friends with this guy...then was upset and angry hes dating someone else and has talked about it and told other coworkers and managers about her personal problems with another coworker? I see red flags. I think if you worked with her you would be wrapped up in this problem. If I had a friend who acted this way with other people I would not want to be friends with that person because that type of anger is toxic. It sounds like a lot of work to maintain a friendship and it sounds like she could easily get upset by your perceived defense of the coworker or perceived lack of support and try coming after you.
Like I said red flags are what I see, and I think you need to distance and protect yourself.

I think you need to ignore the adhd and stop trying to look for explanations for her behavior and take it for what it is- unprofessional, vindictive and dangerous.

The fact that she gets advice and maintains a relationship with a 16 year old is very demonstrative of what her mentality is. How close are you? I really feel like this is a bad relationship for you. I dont mean to offend you I come from a place of concern. People like that can easily turn on other friends and its not healthy. There is no way to justify her anger and behavior as understandable or safe.
I agree with what you said. Although she is calming down now which is good, still, her anger is unreasonable. In terms of closeness, she does consider me her best friend but I do sometimes wonder if she truly does or if that is her just saying that.

And in terms of diagnosing her, yeah I would never actually diagnose anyone, even her. It is more of an observation and yeah there is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. I am deaf and I donít make excuses for my hearing problems. And I hear that those with ADHD can have extreme anger but not always. I guess it depends. I think it is due to how she was raised since her mom is worse.

Her mom can go to the point of screaming so loudly and crying so hard that you can hear her outside the house. If I didnít know any better, I would wonder if there was some sort of dysfunction in the house due to how easily she is to anger over the smallest trivial things. So my friend gets it from her most likely, just not as bad.

And yeah, it makes me uncomfortable that she befriends those still in high school especially since I work in a high school and I know that any unprofessional friendship like that is grounds for immediate termination and possibly worse. So my instincts scream no anytime I see her talking to a 16 year old about non-work related topics. We donít work together though. She works at a fast food restaurant where the rules may be a bit lenient but itís still weird and unprofessional to behave that way.

Last edited by rdgrad15; 01-16-2020 at 09:15 AM..
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Old Yesterday, 10:30 AM   #32
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Default Re: Friend's extremely angry reaction to coworker dating someone else

Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
I agree. I know she is not narcissistic since she doesnít have many traits of it, other than anger issues, but yeah she definitely has problems with rejection. Yes, I do too. I have been hurt so many times I basically expect it now. And it still hurts when people treat me poorly like Iím a piece of dirt. But I would never lash out and try to seek revenge on others.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. No one should be put through something like that.
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