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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 07:42 PM
  #21
My husband has ADHD and can have temper flares when things don't go his way. It may be this girl has a parent that struggles with it too, it is hereditary.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 08:48 PM
  #22
Oh I see. I thought these are all your coworkers. I was like “this work place is crazy” lol
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 08:56 PM
  #23
My husband has ADHD, severe OCD and Tourette’s syndrome. And he never ever dated a coworker or acted like he can’t control himself and if he acted like this at work, he’d be likely fired and lose state license.

ADHD is extremely common and is not an excuse for acting like this on a job whatsoever. People get paid for doing their job, not acting like a work place is a social teenage club.

If one wants to keep a job, especially professional job, they ought to not date af work, not act inappropriately and not make fool of themselves.

You might need some higher quality friends.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 10:05 PM
  #24
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
Hi rdgrad, I hear you in "just listening"! That's what I'd do too, especially if somebody was raging and just wants the listener to agree with them. That's intimidating. I've been in that type situation before. If you aren't good at or comfortable speaking up, And if it wears on you, can you avoid her?
It doesn’t drain me of energy. And I think she actually may be calming down.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 10:07 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
My husband has ADHD and can have temper flares when things don't go his way. It may be this girl has a parent that struggles with it too, it is hereditary.
Yeah my friend’s mom has the same problem. Actually my friend’s mom is worse. She will start screaming to the point where she is incoherent and even start bawling out of control. That’s worse than what my friend does.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 10:08 PM
  #26
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Oh I see. I thought these are all your coworkers. I was like “this work place is crazy” lol
Oh yeah definitely not referring to my work. Although my coworkers are dramatic though, just in different ways. It still has a toxic atmosphere.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 10:09 PM
  #27
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My husband has ADHD, severe OCD and Tourette’s syndrome. And he never ever dated a coworker or acted like he can’t control himself and if he acted like this at work, he’d be likely fired and lose state license.

ADHD is extremely common and is not an excuse for acting like this on a job whatsoever. People get paid for doing their job, not acting like a work place is a social teenage club.

If one wants to keep a job, especially professional job, they ought to not date af work, not act inappropriately and not make fool of themselves.

You might need some higher quality friends.
I know I agree.
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Default Jan 15, 2020 at 03:15 PM
  #28
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Your friend is having a problem with rejection. She needs to work with a therapist to find out where this comes from in her. Her choosing to lash out at these other individuals will never fix or heal what is in her that brings these resentments on. Her choosing to try and ruin or cause pain etc will just end up causing her to be rejected even more. Unfortunately, if she is a narcissist, she probably won't be receptive to actually healing instead of engaging in lashing out.
That is great advice. I wish that I had thought about that myself.
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Default Jan 15, 2020 at 03:41 PM
  #29
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That is great advice. I wish that I had thought about that myself.
Yeah I agree that a therapist could help figure out the root cause of constant feelings of rejection and the reactions that stem from it.
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Default Jan 16, 2020 at 05:25 AM
  #30
Hey @rdgrad15
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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
Recently a friend started liking a coworker and it seemed like the coworker liked her back. But then they decided to be just friends first but she still really liked him. Then not long ago, the guy she liked started dating another coworker who she can't stand. Ever since then, she has been filled with rage and feels downright betrayed and rejected. I can understand feeling rejected, I know what it's like.
How good of a friend is this person? Are you also a coworker or is this friend working somewhere else and you are just listening to their issues?
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I've never been in a relationship but I've still be rejected by people who I thought were friends. But my friend is so angry to the point where that's all she talks about and even states that she is tempted to make his life, as well as her coworker's life, miserable by ignoring them and shouting at them if they even dare talk to her. She goes between being extremely angry and vindictive to being very sad.
I urge you to use caution in this relationship. People that are vindictive and hold grudges to the extreme are often not that far away from being vindictive or grudge holding with their friends. I do not mean to insult you on your choice of friends or anything its just that vindictive people are often vindictive across the board depending on the situation of course.

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She doesn't have bipolar, she has ADHD, but the way she's acting almost make it seem like she's bipolar or has borderline personality disorder. She's filled with absolute hate towards both of them and always says how dare he decide to date her coworker after he made it seem like he liked my friend. Yes, he probably did reject her, but they did state that they were going to be just friends so I don't think he is completely in the wrong other than possibly accidentally giving her false hope, which she claims he did. I can see how this can be perceived as rejection or betrayal, but they did agree to be just friends.
I also urge you not to try and diagnose your friend (not that you are) or liken the issues to mental illness. As someone with bipolar I can tell you that being vindictive is not a symptom. I also have adhd and being vindictive and holding grudges is also not a symptom.
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Do you think my friend is taking it too far? Do you think she's getting way angrier than necessary? Sometimes her anger almost seems way out of control and way more extreme than necessary. I wish there was a way to calm her down. Is there any suggestions to calm her down? I totally understand how she may feel hurt, but I think she is getting a little too worked up. Rejection hurts, but the reason I feel like she is getting too mad is because she did say that they decided to be just friends.
TBH I think you are in a dangerous position. First, I do not believe it is your job to calm her down or solve the issue. I think it puts you in a spot of being the target of her vindictiveness when your advice isnt good enough or if she feels you are not loyal. I can see her turning on you and hurting you by lashing out. She seems like someone who could see you as disloyal if you do not agree with her or give her advice she doesnt like. How close are you with this person?
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So honestly, he is free to date whoever he wants. She doesn't even want to be friends with him because she says that real friends don't do stuff like that. This is also why I think it's a bad idea to try to date coworkers. It leads to awkwardness in the workplace and she told multiple coworkers and even a couple of her managers about it and she claims that they appear to be acting distant after they tried giving her peace of mind.
So she agreed to be friends with this guy...then was upset and angry hes dating someone else and has talked about it and told other coworkers and managers about her personal problems with another coworker? I see red flags. I think if you worked with her you would be wrapped up in this problem. If I had a friend who acted this way with other people I would not want to be friends with that person because that type of anger is toxic. It sounds like a lot of work to maintain a friendship and it sounds like she could easily get upset by your perceived defense of the coworker or perceived lack of support and try coming after you.
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I don't think she realizes how she could easily be causing more harm than good. I did tell her from now on, she shouldn't try to date coworkers but I don't think she really listened. Any reasons someone would act this way other than feeling rejected? Like I said, I totally understand the hurt, but I think being so angry all the time to the point where she won't let it go, says horrible things about them, and tells everyone else at her work about it is going a bit too far.
Like I said red flags are what I see, and I think you need to distance and protect yourself.

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Even though she only has ADHD, the amount of anger and dislike she has towards others who do this makes me think something else is up that I don't know about. She does have the tendency to get extremely angry and vindictive at any perceived rejection. It's to the point where she can't let it go and everything else from appetite to sleep is affected. From what she has told me, it sounds like she is already pushing others away by how much she talks about them and gets angry. No one wants to deal with drama in the work place so it's likely they are starting to pull away. If anything, it just makes her seem very jealous even though she claims she's not anymore. She most likely still is. She needs to calm down. I am always there for her, and she knows that. But at the same time, I do wish she would calm down before she causes more harm than good.
I think you need to ignore the adhd and stop trying to look for explanations for her behavior and take it for what it is- unprofessional, vindictive and dangerous.
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Like I said, I totally understand how it feels to be rejected. I have been through lots of pain and rejection. But I never ever went as far as to actively seek revenge and talk about someone in such a way non-stop to the point where other people around me started to pull away. Yes, I have complained before to others, but I know when to stop and I never act in a vindictive manner. Also, one of the coworkers she goes to advice for is only 16, while my friend is 26. I think she is receiving advice from someone who is way too young and may even have an immature mindset, giving how young she is. I think that's a bit weird in my opinion, but that is just me. She should seek advice only from those closer to her age. I do feel like she may be hiding something with her extreme anger. Just wondered if anyone else has dealt with this kind of behavior and how they handled it.
The fact that she gets advice and maintains a relationship with a 16 year old is very demonstrative of what her mentality is. How close are you? I really feel like this is a bad relationship for you. I dont mean to offend you I come from a place of concern. People like that can easily turn on other friends and its not healthy. There is no way to justify her anger and behavior as understandable or safe.

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Default Jan 16, 2020 at 08:52 AM
  #31
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @rdgrad15

How good of a friend is this person? Are you also a coworker or is this friend working somewhere else and you are just listening to their issues?

I urge you to use caution in this relationship. People that are vindictive and hold grudges to the extreme are often not that far away from being vindictive or grudge holding with their friends. I do not mean to insult you on your choice of friends or anything its just that vindictive people are often vindictive across the board depending on the situation of course.

I also urge you not to try and diagnose your friend (not that you are) or liken the issues to mental illness. As someone with bipolar I can tell you that being vindictive is not a symptom. I also have adhd and being vindictive and holding grudges is also not a symptom.

TBH I think you are in a dangerous position. First, I do not believe it is your job to calm her down or solve the issue. I think it puts you in a spot of being the target of her vindictiveness when your advice isnt good enough or if she feels you are not loyal. I can see her turning on you and hurting you by lashing out. She seems like someone who could see you as disloyal if you do not agree with her or give her advice she doesnt like. How close are you with this person?

So she agreed to be friends with this guy...then was upset and angry hes dating someone else and has talked about it and told other coworkers and managers about her personal problems with another coworker? I see red flags. I think if you worked with her you would be wrapped up in this problem. If I had a friend who acted this way with other people I would not want to be friends with that person because that type of anger is toxic. It sounds like a lot of work to maintain a friendship and it sounds like she could easily get upset by your perceived defense of the coworker or perceived lack of support and try coming after you.
Like I said red flags are what I see, and I think you need to distance and protect yourself.

I think you need to ignore the adhd and stop trying to look for explanations for her behavior and take it for what it is- unprofessional, vindictive and dangerous.

The fact that she gets advice and maintains a relationship with a 16 year old is very demonstrative of what her mentality is. How close are you? I really feel like this is a bad relationship for you. I dont mean to offend you I come from a place of concern. People like that can easily turn on other friends and its not healthy. There is no way to justify her anger and behavior as understandable or safe.
I agree with what you said. Although she is calming down now which is good, still, her anger is unreasonable. In terms of closeness, she does consider me her best friend but I do sometimes wonder if she truly does or if that is her just saying that.

And in terms of diagnosing her, yeah I would never actually diagnose anyone, even her. It is more of an observation and yeah there is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. I am deaf and I don’t make excuses for my hearing problems. And I hear that those with ADHD can have extreme anger but not always. I guess it depends. I think it is due to how she was raised since her mom is worse.

Her mom can go to the point of screaming so loudly and crying so hard that you can hear her outside the house. If I didn’t know any better, I would wonder if there was some sort of dysfunction in the house due to how easily she is to anger over the smallest trivial things. So my friend gets it from her most likely, just not as bad.

And yeah, it makes me uncomfortable that she befriends those still in high school especially since I work in a high school and I know that any unprofessional friendship like that is grounds for immediate termination and possibly worse. So my instincts scream no anytime I see her talking to a 16 year old about non-work related topics. We don’t work together though. She works at a fast food restaurant where the rules may be a bit lenient but it’s still weird and unprofessional to behave that way.

Last edited by rdgrad15; Jan 16, 2020 at 09:15 AM..
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 10:30 AM
  #32
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I agree. I know she is not narcissistic since she doesn’t have many traits of it, other than anger issues, but yeah she definitely has problems with rejection. Yes, I do too. I have been hurt so many times I basically expect it now. And it still hurts when people treat me poorly like I’m a piece of dirt. But I would never lash out and try to seek revenge on others.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. No one should be put through something like that.
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 09:56 AM
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I'm sorry that you have to go through this. No one should be put through something like that.
Thanks and you too.
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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 03:22 PM
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((rdgrad15)) I am sorry you have experienced people that have treated you badly. People like that tend to be simple minded and tend to treat others how they feel themselves, so basically they are projecting their own issues and insecurities on you.

That is what this coworker wants to do to these individuals who she feels rejected her. She wants to project how she feels on them. As I mentioned, all that ends up doing is creating even more rejection.
That is great advice. I wish that I had thought about that myself.
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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 03:23 PM
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Thanks and you too.
You are very welcome!
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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 03:24 PM
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Hi rdgrad, I think your friend needs to speak to a therapist. She clearly doesn't want to listen to you give her advice about why its not a good idea to date coworkers.
That is great advice! I wish that I had thought about that.
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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 07:47 PM
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That is great advice. I wish that I had thought about that myself.
I agree.
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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 07:48 PM
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You are very welcome!
Yep and same.
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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 07:49 PM
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That is great advice! I wish that I had thought about that.
I agree.
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