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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 08:05 AM
  #1
Recently a friend started liking a coworker and it seemed like the coworker liked her back. But then they decided to be just friends first but she still really liked him. Then not long ago, the guy she liked started dating another coworker who she can't stand. Ever since then, she has been filled with rage and feels downright betrayed and rejected. I can understand feeling rejected, I know what it's like.

I've never been in a relationship but I've still be rejected by people who I thought were friends. But my friend is so angry to the point where that's all she talks about and even states that she is tempted to make his life, as well as her coworker's life, miserable by ignoring them and shouting at them if they even dare talk to her. She goes between being extremely angry and vindictive to being very sad.

She doesn't have bipolar, she has ADHD, but the way she's acting almost make it seem like she's bipolar or has borderline personality disorder. She's filled with absolute hate towards both of them and always says how dare he decide to date her coworker after he made it seem like he liked my friend. Yes, he probably did reject her, but they did state that they were going to be just friends so I don't think he is completely in the wrong other than possibly accidentally giving her false hope, which she claims he did. I can see how this can be perceived as rejection or betrayal, but they did agree to be just friends.

Do you think my friend is taking it too far? Do you think she's getting way angrier than necessary? Sometimes her anger almost seems way out of control and way more extreme than necessary. I wish there was a way to calm her down. Is there any suggestions to calm her down? I totally understand how she may feel hurt, but I think she is getting a little too worked up. Rejection hurts, but the reason I feel like she is getting too mad is because she did say that they decided to be just friends.

So honestly, he is free to date whoever he wants. She doesn't even want to be friends with him because she says that real friends don't do stuff like that. This is also why I think it's a bad idea to try to date coworkers. It leads to awkwardness in the workplace and she told multiple coworkers and even a couple of her managers about it and she claims that they appear to be acting distant after they tried giving her peace of mind.

I don't think she realizes how she could easily be causing more harm than good. I did tell her from now on, she shouldn't try to date coworkers but I don't think she really listened. Any reasons someone would act this way other than feeling rejected? Like I said, I totally understand the hurt, but I think being so angry all the time to the point where she won't let it go, says horrible things about them, and tells everyone else at her work about it is going a bit too far.

Even though she only has ADHD, the amount of anger and dislike she has towards others who do this makes me think something else is up that I don't know about. She does have the tendency to get extremely angry and vindictive at any perceived rejection. It's to the point where she can't let it go and everything else from appetite to sleep is affected. From what she has told me, it sounds like she is already pushing others away by how much she talks about them and gets angry. No one wants to deal with drama in the work place so it's likely they are starting to pull away. If anything, it just makes her seem very jealous even though she claims she's not anymore. She most likely still is. She needs to calm down. I am always there for her, and she knows that. But at the same time, I do wish she would calm down before she causes more harm than good.

Like I said, I totally understand how it feels to be rejected. I have been through lots of pain and rejection. But I never ever went as far as to actively seek revenge and talk about someone in such a way non-stop to the point where other people around me started to pull away. Yes, I have complained before to others, but I know when to stop and I never act in a vindictive manner. Also, one of the coworkers she goes to advice for is only 16, while my friend is 26. I think she is receiving advice from someone who is way too young and may even have an immature mindset, giving how young she is. I think that's a bit weird in my opinion, but that is just me. She should seek advice only from those closer to her age. I do feel like she may be hiding something with her extreme anger. Just wondered if anyone else has dealt with this kind of behavior and how they handled it.

Last edited by rdgrad15; Jan 14, 2020 at 08:21 AM..
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 09:20 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
Recently a friend started liking a coworker and it seemed like the coworker liked her back. But then they decided to be just friends first but she still really liked him. Then not long ago, the guy she liked started dating another coworker who she can't stand. Ever since then, she has been filled with rage and feels downright betrayed and rejected. I can understand feeling rejected, I know what it's like.

I've never been in a relationship but I've still be rejected by people who I thought were friends. But my friend is so angry to the point where that's all she talks about and even states that she is tempted to make his life, as well as her coworker's life, miserable by ignoring them and shouting at them if they even dare talk to her. She goes between being extremely angry and vindictive to being very sad.

She doesn't have bipolar, she has ADHD, but the way she's acting almost make it seem like she's bipolar or has borderline personality disorder. She's filled with absolute hate towards both of them and always says how dare he decide to date her coworker after he made it seem like he liked my friend. Yes, he probably did reject her, but they did state that they were going to be just friends so I don't think he is completely in the wrong other than possibly accidentally giving her false hope, which she claims he did. I can see how this can be perceived as rejection or betrayal, but they did agree to be just friends.

Do you think my friend is taking it too far? Do you think she's getting way angrier than necessary? Sometimes her anger almost seems way out of control and way more extreme than necessary. I wish there was a way to calm her down. Is there any suggestions to calm her down? I totally understand how she may feel hurt, but I think she is getting a little too worked up. Rejection hurts, but the reason I feel like she is getting too mad is because she did say that they decided to be just friends.

So honestly, he is free to date whoever he wants. She doesn't even want to be friends with him because she says that real friends don't do stuff like that. This is also why I think it's a bad idea to try to date coworkers. It leads to awkwardness in the workplace and she told multiple coworkers and even a couple of her managers about it and she claims that they appear to be acting distant after they tried giving her peace of mind.

I don't think she realizes how she could easily be causing more harm than good. I did tell her from now on, she shouldn't try to date coworkers but I don't think she really listened. Any reasons someone would act this way other than feeling rejected? Like I said, I totally understand the hurt, but I think being so angry all the time to the point where she won't let it go, says horrible things about them, and tells everyone else at her work about it is going a bit too far.

Even though she only has ADHD, the amount of anger and dislike she has towards others who do this makes me think something else is up that I don't know about. She does have the tendency to get extremely angry and vindictive at any perceived rejection. It's to the point where she can't let it go and everything else from appetite to sleep is affected. From what she has told me, it sounds like she is already pushing others away by how much she talks about them and gets angry. No one wants to deal with drama in the work place so it's likely they are starting to pull away. If anything, it just makes her seem very jealous even though she claims she's not anymore. She most likely still is. She needs to calm down. I am always there for her, and she knows that. But at the same time, I do wish she would calm down before she causes more harm than good.

Like I said, I totally understand how it feels to be rejected. I have been through lots of pain and rejection. But I never ever went as far as to actively seek revenge and talk about someone in such a way non-stop to the point where other people around me started to pull away. Yes, I have complained before to others, but I know when to stop and I never act in a vindictive manner. Also, one of the coworkers she goes to advice for is only 16, while my friend is 26. I think she is receiving advice from someone who is way too young and may even have an immature mindset, giving how young she is. I think that's a bit weird in my opinion, but that is just me. She should seek advice only from those closer to her age. I do feel like she may be hiding something with her extreme anger. Just wondered if anyone else has dealt with this kind of behavior and how they handled it.
Yes. I have a nephew who has ADHD. Have the manager suggest a discipline action against her for her anger? Have you try explaining to her that she could be fired for her attitude or if he decided to claim harassment because of what she is doing? She might not have great communication skills and don't understand who it is she should be speaking with and how she should be speaking with.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 09:32 AM
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Yes. I have a nephew who has ADHD. Have the manager suggest a discipline action against her for her anger? Have you try explaining to her that she could be fired for her attitude or if he decided to claim harassment because of what she is doing? She might not have great communication skills and don't understand who it is she should be speaking with and how she should be speaking with.
I agree. I hear those with ADHD have anger problems and I can see that too. Her whole family is quick to anger. I did warn her that her actions could lead to her being let go or at least be disciplined. Yeah what she is doing can be perceived as unprofessional. She she thinks that anyone at work is okay to talk to. She doesn’t realize that that is putting herself in jeapordy and that any manager asking if she is okay is not doing it because they are her friends. They are doing it to ensure there will be no drama in the workplace even though it’s a fast food restaurant.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 12:38 PM
  #4
Your friend is having a problem with rejection. She needs to work with a therapist to find out where this comes from in her. Her choosing to lash out at these other individuals will never fix or heal what is in her that brings these resentments on. Her choosing to try and ruin or cause pain etc will just end up causing her to be rejected even more. Unfortunately, if she is a narcissist, she probably won't be receptive to actually healing instead of engaging in lashing out.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 02:32 PM
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Your friend is having a problem with rejection. She needs to work with a therapist to find out where this comes from in her. Her choosing to lash out at these other individuals will never fix or heal what is in her that brings these resentments on. Her choosing to try and ruin or cause pain etc will just end up causing her to be rejected even more. Unfortunately, if she is a narcissist, she probably won't be receptive to actually healing instead of engaging in lashing out.
I agree. I know she is not narcissistic since she doesn’t have many traits of it, other than anger issues, but yeah she definitely has problems with rejection. Yes, I do too. I have been hurt so many times I basically expect it now. And it still hurts when people treat me poorly like I’m a piece of dirt. But I would never lash out and try to seek revenge on others.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 03:20 PM
  #6
((rdgrad15)) I am sorry you have experienced people that have treated you badly. People like that tend to be simple minded and tend to treat others how they feel themselves, so basically they are projecting their own issues and insecurities on you.

That is what this coworker wants to do to these individuals who she feels rejected her. She wants to project how she feels on them. As I mentioned, all that ends up doing is creating even more rejection.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 04:11 PM
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((rdgrad15)) I am sorry you have experienced people that have treated you badly. People like that tend to be simple minded and tend to treat others how they feel themselves, so basically they are projecting their own issues and insecurities on you.

That is what this coworker wants to do to these individuals who she feels rejected her. She wants to project how she feels on them. As I mentioned, all that ends up doing is creating even more rejection.
Yeah I agree. It will lead to my friend being even more rejected.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 04:12 PM
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Hi rdgrad, I think your friend needs to speak to a therapist. She clearly doesn't want to listen to you give her advice about why its not a good idea to date coworkers.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 04:22 PM
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Hi rdgrad, I think your friend needs to speak to a therapist. She clearly doesn't want to listen to you give her advice about why its not a good idea to date coworkers.
Yeah I agree. Or listen to anyone.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 04:36 PM
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She doesn't sound like a person who has healthy friendships either the way she vents to you about her superficial problems. I avoid those types of personalities like the plague. All they want is an audience so they can whine and hear want they want to hear. If you tell them anything different, they accuse you of being unsupportive which is the way a 3 year old toddler responds when they don't get their way. Not saying that your friend is this way but it sure comes across that way.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 05:10 PM
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Rdgrad, you asked " how can I support her?" I think its okay for you to be sympathetic, and gently honest with her as well, if that's something you're comfortable with. Ask her if she is open to advice, and if she is, give some of your opinion and advice to help and support in a non judgmental way.

Also you asked if something more is going on with her. Maybe. I don't know. She could struggle w low self worth, anger, and sure, BPD. But I'm not a doctor and its important to recognize that no matter what's going on with her, whether BPD or just anger and emotional immaturity, she's a hurting person who deserves respect. Her anger may be disproportionate to the situation in your opinion, but instead of judging her, know that it sounds like she struggles with managing emotions and does not know how to deal constructively. That doesn't make her an awful person, though I get what you're saying about her being vidictive. That's imature. She is trying to make herself feel better in an unhealthy way. She may make things worse for herself if she acts on it.

She may need to see a counselor. What have you been doing to help so far?

You're a good friend to want to support her. She does sound a bit off putting. Just don't tell her that lol.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 05:28 PM
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She doesn't sound like a person who has healthy friendships either the way she vents to you about her superficial problems. I avoid those types of personalities like the plague. All they want is an audience so they can whine and hear want they want to hear. If you tell them anything different, they accuse you of being unsupportive which is the way a 3 year old toddler responds when they don't get their way. Not saying that your friend is this way but it sure comes across that way.
Oh I agree. Yeah she does tend to come off that way when she is in full blown rage. Her family, especially her mom, is like that too so it must have been a learned behavior.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 05:31 PM
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It sounds like she’s hurt from rejection and jealous of him dating someone else. Her comment, “Friends don’t treat friends like this.”, means to me she is especially angry that he is dating someone else from work right in front of her (the nerve! ). She is acting extremely immature. Her anger and desire to make their lives a living hell speaks a lot about another side to what you think is a good friend and nice person. I’d be careful if she turns on you.

I agree with Buffy, she may lose her job if she keeps on like this. She is harassing them and the boss doesn’t appreciate workplace romance drama.

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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 05:34 PM
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Rdgrad, you asked " how can I support her?" I think its okay for you to be sympathetic, and gently honest with her as well, if that's something you're comfortable with. Ask her if she is open to advice, and if she is, give some of your opinion and advice to help and support in a non judgmental way.

Also you asked if something more is going on with her. Maybe. I don't know. She could struggle w low self worth, anger, and sure, BPD. But I'm not a doctor and its important to recognize that no matter what's going on with her, whether BPD or just anger and emotional immaturity, she's a hurting person who deserves respect. Her anger may be disproportionate to the situation in your opinion, but instead of judging her, know that it sounds like she struggles with managing emotions and does not know how to deal constructively. That doesn't make her an awful person, though I get what you're saying about her being vidictive. That's imature. She is trying to make herself feel better in an unhealthy way. She may make things worse for herself if she acts on it.

She may need to see a counselor. What have you been doing to help so far?

You're a good friend to want to support her. She does sound a bit off putting. Just don't tell her that lol.
Yeah I agree. In terms of whether there is something wrong with her, yeah that’s just speculation. The only thing that is factual is that she has ADHD and those with ADHD are also anger prone. Yeah she is not an awful person, just very immature in how she handles things and yeah she can cause more harm than good. Lately I’ve just been listening to her. I’m bad with giving advice. I’m more of a listener.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 05:36 PM
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It sounds like she’s hurt from rejection and jealous of him dating someone else. Her comment, “Friends don’t treat friends like this.”, means to me she is especially angry that he is dating someone else from work right in front of her (the nerve! ). She is acting extremely immature. Her anger and desire to make their lives a living hell speaks a lot about another side to what you think is a good friend and nice person. I’d be careful if she turns on you.

I agree with Buffy, she may lose her job if she keeps on like this. She is harassing them and the boss doesn’t appreciate workplace romance drama.
I agree. It is immature to act the way she is. And yeah I am very cautious since I know she could turn on me if I ever pissed her off by accident somehow.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 05:38 PM
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I agree. I hear those with ADHD have anger problems and I can see that too. Her whole family is quick to anger. I did warn her that her actions could lead to her being let go or at least be disciplined. Yeah what she is doing can be perceived as unprofessional. She she thinks that anyone at work is okay to talk to. She doesn’t realize that that is putting herself in jeapordy and that any manager asking if she is okay is not doing it because they are her friends. They are doing it to ensure there will be no drama in the workplace even though it’s a fast food restaurant.
I had actually work with someone who had ADHD as well as other problem and my manager didn't understand what had happened in the result my coworkers was fired.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 05:43 PM
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I had actually work with someone who had ADHD as well as other problem and my manager didn't understand what had happened in the result my coworkers was fired.
Yeah unfortunately those with ADHD struggle with keeping a job or advancing due to their outbursts and sometimes hyperactivity which my friend has as well.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 06:07 PM
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Going by what you posted before these people work at a high school? Oh my. Are they teachers? They think it’s ok to act like they do, wow. They act like they are IN high school. Insane. These people don’t seem to control themselves or their impulses and behaviors. How are they even control themselves dealing with teenagers if they can’t sort their dating life and maintain decency at work? Unbelievable
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 06:18 PM
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Going by what you posted before these people work at a high school? Oh my. Are they teachers? They think it’s ok to act like they do, wow. They act like they are IN high school. Insane. These people don’t seem to control themselves or their impulses and behaviors. How are they even control themselves dealing with teenagers if they can’t sort their dating life and maintain decency at work? Unbelievable
Oh sorry about the confusion. This is not at my work. This is at my friend’s work which is a fast food restaurant. But yeah, you are right that they are immature. My coworkers are immature too so I can see why you got confused since I mentioned them in a different thread.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 06:49 PM
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Hi rdgrad, I hear you in "just listening"! That's what I'd do too, especially if somebody was raging and just wants the listener to agree with them. That's intimidating. I've been in that type situation before. If you aren't good at or comfortable speaking up, And if it wears on you, can you avoid her?
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