Relationship went from hot to cold quickly

I am curious and appreciate any insight and thoughts on my scenario.

I met a girl 2.5 months ago who we are both 43. It was slow the first few dates as we were getting to know one another. then we really hit it off. It was great and we enjoyed every minute together, did fun things, and sexually was great as well.

We even began to make gestures (kinda in jest) about a future a lot.

A little back story. She was married to a narcassist and was off and on with another guy for 6 years until she found out he cheated on here. That was 7 months ago. I have been very understanding and aware that she is vulnerable and carrying fears from her past relationships. She knows that one day I would like to be married. I havent nor do I have kids and she has 2.

The topic of our goals came up and she is back and forth if she wants/can be married again because she fears divorce again and the fear of what she refers to as "trapped". Here is one reason as why its not high on her list. She has a 19 year old at home, with no job, car, and does drugs who is believed to be bi-polar. It drains her and the thought of marriage or a relationship where we spend a lot of time together seems to overwhelming.

I have communicated that I accept her and everything she comes with and understand. Although I give her space, and she opens up to me alot she feels that is pressure.

We do have differences but according to all her friends, I am exactly the kind of guy she needs and they love the fact we are together. She has felt the very same way.

Long story short. The real hot and heavy went cold quickly and she is confused why.

My advice would be to take it SLOW. It's only been 2.5 months. Give it far more time together before you seriously start talking about marriage. She may just be scared because of past experiences. Give it more time... don't talk about marriage now. Enjoy your time together and allow it to grow naturally.

I agree that taking it slow may be a good way to feel each other out. Open communication is a good way to keep yourself from feeling trapped. Every relationship is different and every connection is important. Maybe a friendship is a good start.

I agree with that and we havent discussed us in general but it is a goal of hers to be married again and she says she doesnt even know if she wants to again.

I am just trying to not waste my time only to get way down the road ans she still feels the same.

Now it is the big elephant in the room us questioning we dont know if we are right for one another. Its created this weight on us right now and taking a step back feels like the beginning of dating with no spark because of it.

I have a gut feeling that her saying I dont think I want to be married one day because she cant see it with me.

I have said the same in the past and didnt even know why,

At 2.5 months it should still be that great honeymoon phase of trying to see each other as often as possible.

It’s very likely she might have gotten scared off a bit if she felt you were already on to thoughts of long term and possibly marriage.

I know after my divorce from my first husband , I didn’t date for a couple years at least , I had a child to raise and a career.

When I did start dating I was very leery of anyone who starting even in passing talk about “ us” having a future in the first 4-6 months at least.... I even had a few telling me they loved me after a couple months Ack !!!! For me ? Way too soon , my first husband cheated , I had lots of trust issues

My advice have a conversation about how your feeling and willing to back off talking long term if she wants more no pressure dating.

dating might as well be consider a thing of negligence. no-one knows what they want. they only know what they don't want, and can't have.

Yeah, I hear you. That's a really tough position to be in. I brought up commitment once 2 months into dating a guy, to find out he didn't want to ever commit. He had just gone through a rough divorce. We broke up.

I don't know what to advise. Basically, marriage as a goal or future desire was brought up, and it caused things to cool down -- where do you go from there? Back off? Date other people? Wish I had some advice for you. It's tough. Sorry. Maybe others will have some good words of wisdom for you.

Far too early for commitment re: long term. Relax, back off on the long term issue. Enjoy the moment. Revisit in a year or so if the relationship lasts.
The reasons she gives for being hesitant are Valid and a few months is not enough time to really know someone---especially when you are adults.

I Agree with the Others. Just give it time. She'll get to Know You better and she'll decide by Herself whether She wants to commit or not. I understand Your Fear of "Wasting Time", but I don't think you're Wasting it. Every Relationship and Experience is a Chance to Grow! Give it Time, at least a Year or so, and See How it goes from there. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @jcl76, Your Family, Your Friends and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Hey @jcl76I agree on the time thing. Honestly with all she has going on, I wouldnt marry for a long time. She really should be devoting her time to getting her daughter help while not enabling and possibly therapy for her. Are you sure you are willing to take on what she has as a package deal? With an addicted child and a new relationship you will always be second, at least until her daughter is clean and manages the bipolar.

I never brought up marriage in the sense of us. The topic came up and I merely stated yes it is my goal to be married one day. She is just all over the map.

I told her that I fully accept her and all she comes with and appreciate her devotion and concern about the kids. She mentioned taking a step back and she need to sort out how she feels? I have written this chapter before on the other side. Each time I just didnt see myself with them longterm but we were very close, so its was "let me see" if things changed.

When she says step back it might mean something different to her than it meant to you when you said step back.

Still there is risk here. Her long-term relationship ended pretty recently and she has difficult stuff on her plate. It will be taking a risk to wait while she figures out what she wants and where you might fit in.

How willing are you to take the risk of waiting for her?

Quite honestly I have walked away from relationships in the past that I should have stuck it out or tried. I dont want this to be the same scenario. However I think by Valentines Day in a month if it just doesnt feel good and not progressing I should consider it more then

I agree with sarahsweets, jcl76. She is nowhere near ready to commit to you the way you want and need her to. She has all of that other baggage from her past and now her daughter to deal with. 2.5 months is not a long period of time. You need to decide what you want and are willing to put up with and not put up with from her. After you communicate that to her, wait for her response. If she refuses to give you a response, that in itself, is a response.

If you know you want to be with someone long-term and she refuses to give you that. Then no, you two are not compatible and you should just end things with her and move on to find someone more compatible for you. You should NEVER wait for anyone. Never.

When one partner suddenly goes hot and cold, that's never a good sign as you know. It's a red flag that I've experienced as a power play when men I've dated have been hot and cold with me. Even with friendships that happens. Now, if someone does it to me, I'll just end all communication with the person and forget about them. Easier said than done, but better for me overall, leaving them behind, in the long run.

If she has kids and they aren’t adults yet, she needs to be mindful committing to strangers. So it’s wise of her not to jump into anything that early.

I think this relationship started too fast, hot and heavy and now has no where to go but downhill. I liked my husband very much when we dated (second marriage for both) but no way no how I’d be sleeping with him or talking marriage or what not after 2.5 months.

We did get engaged kind of fast but only when it was obvious we match very well, have same life style and values, are done with baggage and our kids are long grown up, still it was not THAT fast.

You can date her and take it slow if she is up to it or move on but make sure you start slow with new people if you decide to leave

After our talk last night I have a good idea of what it is, but its 1 of 2 things.

When it got serious then obviously it spooked her, but I think in her mind its either "am I capable in general" or She somewhere feels its just not with me.

Last night she did say "she is trying to figure out her feelings" she mentioned she is excited to see me this weekend. We are going horesback riding from a birthday gift to her. This morning she did text me she was thinking about me this morning.

Today texting and talking was great. We talked, text and cut up laughing. Tonight I facetimed her and heard back 30min later that she was going to bed night. We never not talk before bed but she said she fell asleep while watching tv. Again.....its the things out of character as a whole that keep adding up.

I am now thinking I do not have the energy to wait 3 weeks of this and may simply communicate that maybe she needs to figure it out but I dont need to be in the picture while she does

In the grand scheme of things you only have 2.5 months invested it sounds like it’s not a good fit or just bad timing.

It’s really no ones fault , things just don’t always work out.

Good luck